How to respond to uBPD sibling unprovoked attack on text.

[Mommydoc]

Trying to figure out how to respond.  My uBPD sibling and I have been LC for several months.  It seemed like things had stabilized. I texted her over the weekend to tell her about a family friend who died, and closed it with “ I love you”... I got the following  4 quick succession texts

“You say that you love me, but your actions make me feel like you wish that you didn't have a sister. I resent you for that.

To be clear, I am very hurt by the way you treated me during my visit, on Halloween on the phone, depriving me from seeing her records and negating my concerns. You have ignored all of this in the emails I sent.

I hoped you would change. Now I accept that you aren't.

I forgot to mention how hurtful it was that her health care provider didn't know I existed because you listed the housekeeper as next of kin.”

My response was “ I do love you” . I was dumbfounded and all I knew was it was not going to serve either of us to respond beyond that at that moment.  I have had a hectic and frustrating week at work and needed to put this to the side.  A few days have past and I feel like I need to address some of what she raised. We have been LC for months, and that is working for me, but it does not seem to be working for her.  I would like to avoid NC if that is possible.  I am pretty sure what ever I say will not be be well received and need advice on whether to respond.  Below is my first draft response, I know it is long and probably likely to provoke her.  I have had a tough week and not sure I am up for another attack.

“Thank you for letting me know you were able to communicate with the family. I appreciate your sharing your feelings. I love you and have never wished I didn’t have a sister. I am sorry my actions have made you feel that way, it was never my intent.

Over the course of mom’s illness and recovery, you have raised concerns.  It was  my goal to both understand and address your concerns by working with the care giver teams to address the issues you raised, keeping you informed of her care and encouraging you to talk with her doctors and caregivers to ask questions and clarify her condition. Despite my efforts, I have not met your expectations. Fortunately, mom has stabilized and continues to make small positive progress, which allows us both some time and space to recover and heal. What specific ongoing concerns do you have related to mom and her care at this point?

To clarify the housekeeper being listed as a contact.  The demographics and contact numbers were established by Mom and Dad, when they established care in 2013.  Mom and Dad added the housekeeper as a contact themselves in late 2014 /early 2015, when mom stopped driving and they needed her to pick up medication and drive them to appointments.  They made that decision and I played no part in it. Like you, I assumed you were listed. I regret not being aware of that or checking on that before I left the country. I know how disruptive it was for you to drop things and fly out and I will always be grateful that I have a sister who was both willing and able to do that. I am grateful for you and for mom’s progress.  

I felt hurt  too but on reflection, I know we each did the best we could in challenging circumstances. I would like to move forward from the past and what has happened between us. I know it's important for mom that we have a positive relationship, so I hope we can give that a try going forward.

I love you.”

[Harri]

Hi Mommydoc.

Ugh, that was a lot of junk she dumped on you in her text.   Sorry you have had such a tough week on top of that as well as the passing of your friend.

My response was “ I do love you” . I was dumbfounded and all I knew was it was not going to serve either of us to respond beyond that at that moment.

Of course you responded saying I do love you, because it is true.  The thing is, for someone with BPD, feelings often equal facts so if they feel that you do not love them then to them, you do not.  Trying to convince them otherwise can come across, to them, as invalidating and often makes it seem like you/we are trying to hide something.  Are you familiar with Don't JADE?  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  Doing these things not only can be invalidating but that can cause conflicts to escalate and often leads to endless circular conversations.  If you are going to respond, I would stick more to Don't Invalidate and SET.  I know it is a lot to read through all of those after a hard week so take it slow.  There is no need to rush a response.
 

A few days have past and I feel like I need to address some of what she raised. We have been LC for months, and that is working for me, but it does not seem to be working for her.  I would like to avoid NC if that is possible.

What to you hope to achieve by addressing what she wrote?  NC is not something that has to be done and certainly not because LC is not working 'for her'.  The success of LC is not dependent on her reaction to it.  pwBPD/BPD traits will have times when they dysregulate and act out.  It is a given.  LC is a tool like any other:  sometimes it works, other times not and often best used in conjunction with other tools (like SET, Don't JADE, Don't Invalidate).

I am pretty sure what ever I say will not be be well received and need advice on whether to respond.

I would say don't respond further.  Or re-write it without the JADE and instead use SET (sympathy, empathy, truth).  If you do re-write, make it a much shorter response.

 

[Mommydoc]

Thanks Harri.  I knew I shouldn’t press send.  I guess that is progress. LOL

I am familiar with Don’t Jade and I think that has been why our contact with each other has become so minimal.  She makes accusations, and “ raises concerns”.   I have been empathetic and I have acknowledged and addressed her concerns, but if it is not precisely and exactly the way she wanted me to do ( which is 100% of the time), it still gets turned on me with accusations and anger. I feel like my existence is invalidating to her and though I desperately want to stop invalidating her,  it feels like everything about me invalidates her.  I have just chosen not to respond to repetitive concerns, or to do so minimally and that too has resulted in this huge resentment. She sees the minimal response as invalidating and marginalizing. It is a huge change, because in the past, I did defend and explain my actions and decisions, and nothing ever got resolved.  There was no way to establish clarity or a common ground. “ My disengagement” is making her crazy and she holds on to things forever.  I think me staying firm on my role as the Health Care POA has also amplified her anger.  Can you help me with an empathetic response to “ I resent you, you are controlling, you are the root of all problems” statements.   How do you respond truthfully and empathetically to someone’s inaccurate or unfair accusation without explaining or justifying?

The only thing that has changed is how I respond to her.  I don’t try as hard anymore and I disengage when she gets all amped up.

I don’t know if it is really possible to validate her , without agreeing to do things that I know are not the right thing such as move my mom to a new facility or release the medical records to her, when I know she will misinterpret them and create confusion for the physicians and nurses caring for my mom, potentially adversely impacting her care.

Unfortunately, my parents made us joint trustees financially for their trust and we still have a rental property that we have to share decision making on.  She sent me a text early this morning, regarding our tenant, who wants to renew the lease and cut out the property manager.   She asked to set up a phone meeting to discuss the tenant request “and mom’s finances.” For the most part, despite her joint status, she has been relatively uninvolved in my mom’s finances.   I pay all the bills, do her taxes, etc.  She manages the rental ( though she has pulled me in multiple times, when she can’t deal with the realtor or property manager and wants to fire them).  I see red flags on the conversation “ about mom’s finances” .   I need to set some boundaries to assure the conversation does not devolve.   I am not a “ hang up on you” kind of person, and find it hard to de-escalate and end calls with her.  Our last few conversations, both in person and on the phone have been several hours, and despite multiple attempts to exit the conversation, when it got out of control, I find it very difficult.   Are there any ways without invalidating her to set “ up front” boundaries to set us up for a more concise and constructive conversation?

[Panda39]

Maybe the boundary is that you will discuss the rental/tenant situation but save the discussion about mom's finances for another time.

Panda39

[Harri]

The only thing that has changed is how I respond to her.  I don’t try as hard anymore and I disengage when she gets all amped up.

This is good.  From my perspective, the tools are more for us.  Helping us change and disengage and not get caught up in the emotions.  If our loved ones behaviors change over time that is good too.

but if it is not precisely and exactly the way she wanted me to do ( which is 100% of the time), it still gets turned on me with accusations and anger.

This is soo frustrating and it is common to feel like something is not working because our pwBPD (or anyone) is not responding in the way we hoped.  We can't control that though.  Yes, I am repeating myself here.  Hope it is not too annoying     Let her self soothe if she can.  Maybe your approach needs tweaking and maybe not.  it is hard to tell from here and nothing works all of the time.  We have to be able and willing to remove ourselves from these damaging and distressing phone calls when being pushed beyond our capabilities to communicate in healthy ways (and I don't mean just words and talking, but in our emotional responses as well). 

I need to set some boundaries to assure the conversation does not devolve.   I am not a “ hang up on you” kind of person, and find it hard to de-escalate and end calls with her.  Our last few conversations, both in person and on the phone have been several hours, and despite multiple attempts to exit the conversation, when it got out of control, I find it very difficult.   Are there any ways without invalidating her to set “ up front” boundaries to set us up for a more concise and constructive conversation?

I don't suggest hanging up any more unless it is a last resort and things are out of control (for me and even for the other person) and even then I think it is best to say "I have to hang up now.  We can continue this another time" rather than just hanging up or even walking away.  Just hanging up and walking away is invalidating and while we may feel like that is the best we can do (and maybe it is) it is not going to help the situation in any way.  So yes, I agree with you about not just hanging up.   

As for how to set 'up front' boundaries, how about saying "I have a half hour to talk and then we will have to pick up the conversation at a later date?"  Or like Panda suggested, take on one topic at a time by saying "I have to go so we will need to talk about ___ another time". 

What is it that keeps you on the phone for hours with her?   I don't mean how she responds or reacts, but what are your feelings?  What are your responses to her words?  Do you feel guilt, anger, resentment, a need to get her to see things more rationally? 

Oh, one thing I want to say about validation and empathy is that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them, only that you recognize that the person is feeling them.  Empathy is  a true awareness and validation of where they are.  Sometimes there is no validation target, so don't validate.  Sometimes we are fresh out of empathy and validating is beyond what we are capable of at that time.  That is okay.  Focus on not invalidating them.

How do you respond truthfully and empathetically to someone’s inaccurate or unfair accusation without explaining or justifying?

I would recommend using SET here if you can.

So with your sisters comment:  “I resent you, you are controlling, you are the root of all problems”

Sympathy statement:  ?

Empathy Statement:  ?

Truth Statement:  ?

What feels right and natural to you given what you know about validation, empathy, SET, don't JADE etc?

[Mommydoc]

Panda, that is a great boundary.  The tenant conversation will be fairly easy ( I think). I am prepared to honor whatever she wants to do and can defer to her expertise here.  In the past she has wanted me ( as trustee ) to sell the condo to her and her husband at a below market price.  I didn’t think that was right for my mom. She has a sentimental connection to the property that I don’t have.  I talked to my husband today and am contemplating offering to sell it to her. It would reduce a lot of the trust responsibilities for me and reduce the issues we have to interact on. If I agree to sell it below market, it reduces my mom’s assets but in the long run it will also simplify the inheritance. I think my mom is OK financially and I don’t care what I inherit so in the scheme of things, a little financial hit for me and mom, is worth it to simplify taxes and reduce my work and the risk of conflict. 

I offered to talk this afternoon and she told me she doesn’t have any available time until Sunday.  The beauty of that is that we agreed to talk at 8 am and I have a charity event later that morning which creates a natural boundary.  My husband has agreed to sit with me while I am talking to her to give me feedback in the moment on how I am doing and help me get out of the circular conversations that sometimes occur.

Harri, I think she knows I will never hang up, and that I will tolerate the verbal assaults. The last few times I have suggested that the conversation is no longer fruitful, she will calm down in terms of the tenor of her voice ( for a short period of time) , so I agree to stay on.  But real two way conversation is not usually achievable. I am 6 weeks post op today and finally get to do spin! Very excited to have a charity spin class to immerse myself in immediately following the conversation. The timing is perfect!

Thank you so much for the support!

[Mommydoc]

We talked on the phone for the first time in a while.  She reached out on Friday to discuss a tenant issue and “ mom’s finances”.    I had a few goals: To make her feel heard, to listen empathetically and to not take what she said personally.   I did a lot of preparation, mentally  ( meditation, journaling, self compassion) and enlisted my husbands support.  I identified what I think she is most upset about and wrote brief SET scripts for each issue.  I printed out multiple articles and lists of “ validating statements” and “ curious statements”.   My husband stood by for moral support  close by and gave me a score of a 9/10.   I think I was probably 9/10 on making her feel heard and listening empathetically. I held a few boundaries that she definitely was pushing ( all related to our differing opinions of the DPOA role).   She is so extreme, that it is definitely getting easier not to take what she says personally, but I struggled with all of the demands and expectations she has  of me.   We did make a few agreements, but I probably overcommitted. I would give my self a 5/10 for not taking it personally.   She was brutal.   If she was not family, I know I would walk away.

LC has definitely made her more angry.  She was extremely hostile, angry and accusatory, but I stayed calm and stayed in SET and stuck to my validating statements as much as possible ( some I had to say 3 -4 times) .   I did must my best not to JADE, but that is  hard when someone says “ name one action you have taken that shows you love me”.   I must have apologized 10 times for making her feel the way she does, tried to offer paths forward.   We probably actually engaged in meaningful dialogue for about 20-30 minutes of the 2 hours we were on the phone.  That’s more than meaningful dialogue than in the last 6 months.  It is progress.

My husbands assessment is that in the end it all comes down to money.   I know my dad worked hard to save and provide for my mom and wanted her not to have financial concerns.   He did a great job.   I personally hope to inherit nothing when she dies.  My sister believes that my mother can’t afford the place she is living, because for the first time this year, her expenses are greater than her income.  But her assets are adequate to cover the small difference for > 20 years.  With a severe chronic disease, at age 90, it is highly unlikely she will run out of money.  If she dies in the next year or so, we would each inherit a significant amount, but if she continues as she is now, her estate will shrink.  My sister has asked me repeatedly if I would cover her if she ran out of money and I have always said yes.  Today, she told me she needed to hear that from my husband ( then lots of mean comments about my husband and our “lavish” lifestyle) .  I told her I thought it would be great to bring both of our husbands into the conversation.  

My sister did reveal a few of her fears to me:  She is afraid that my mom will run out of money and end up in a low cost facility like our grandmother died in.  She also afraid that we  will end up with Parkinson’s like my mom in 20 years.  All in all, there were some interesting insights and some forward progress and agreements around next steps.  I feel like we found some common ground.

I had an extremely challenging week at work and was pretty deflated by her texts earlier in the week.   The truth is that the 2 hour conversation was emotionally exhausting.   I thought I was better able to take it but it was really hard.

My brilliant husband whisked me off to a super challenging charity spin event and then to Pilates, which was the perfect follow up activity.  Thankfully they turn the lights out, because I sobbed my way through it, and experience a tremendous catharsis.   It was also an emotional milestone to do back to back workouts, as I have had exercise restrictions, post op for the last 6 weeks and have been working my way back up to full steam.  Now I am headed to get a massage and then out to dinner my husband and son who surprised me by coming home.

Feeling overall positive about how it went but emotionally drained.