Boundary setting

[UnderstandingBPD]

I recently moved to the UK and my daughter has been in regular treatment since last summer when she was diagnosed. It is going well and our relationship is improving.
She just came to visit me for four days and very quickly I saw improvements. She is very committed to her therapy which I am thrilled about.

From my perspective, while it was enjoyable, I felt exhausted from the constant analysis of every interaction; while I understand therapy is intense and she is working very hard on creating healthier communication in all of her relationships, I still feel consistently 'under the microscope'.
She has set the following boundary: She has requested that I not share any details, names or other identifying information, stories ... basically anything about the love relationship that I am in. I have relocated to an island with 40 people and have not been been in a relationship for almost 6 years.
While I respect her wishes and try my best to abide by them, I am not perfect and sometimes forget by saying 'we did such & such' versus 'I did ...'. It is challenging to say the least. She is 24 and rarely asks anything about my life, work, interests or anything. I 'get it' that this age group is self-centred however, it feels very much a one way street. I know this is part of the BPD personality 'makeup' but it does feel very personally frustrating.
Question: how long will she need to be in therapy before she expresses interest in things other than her therapy and her journey?
Also, this man has asked me to marry him. I am 63 and wondering how she will feel if I just 'get married' and don't tell her? (My sense is she would be furious!)
At my age, I want us (my daughter and I that is) to share our lives (when we can) and to feel like we can talk freely about what is going on in our lives; currently, it is 100% one sided.

I do understand that BPD can be a result of childhood trauma AND this is the case with my daughter. Her father and I did not 'divorce well'. She was very damaged by the set of circumstances that unfolded.
The bottom line (for me) is that the boundary has been set that I am not to mention my involvement with another man and yet I am also not allowed to question her issues around this. I am not allowed to explore 'more of her story' and feelings at this time as this is reserved for her therapist only at this time.

By the way, I am an Adler trained coach and have skills however, as I am her mother and part of her brokenness she refuses to let me in at this point.
Any advice would be very valuable as I would like to 'move on' and be able to be authentic rather than guarded and limited in our joint sharing. I am carefully crafting every sentence and it is so tiring.
Now that she has returned home, we will schedule weekly or bi-weekly Skype calls to 'meet' and stay in touch. I have requested that we have a session with her therapist (who I know) however, she says 'it is lower on her priority list' than her issues with HER love relationship are the priority at time.
I am fine with this but wonder in the meantime if there is any way I can help her and myself?
Bottom line: I am aging and want to have a meaningful relationship that feels a little more reciprocal. This may not be possible at this point in her treatment however, I am keen to learn more and to develop skills in my communication (with her) enabling us to deepen our relationship and joint life (and mother/daughter) experiences - from afar.
I will not see her until July now (she lives in Canada and I live in the UK); therefore time is golden and every interaction - even via Skype or WhatsApp (!) is special to me.
Thank you for feedback and any ideas.
G

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome, Understanding.
It is great your adult child is in therapy and working on herself! In addition, she is independent of you .  Congratulations to you as well. Lots to be grateful for here! Maybe just for now some lowered expectations on your definition of meaningful communication with her  will  help.  It seems when  a BPD is in therapy and working hard on herself, there is not a lot left over to give.  Even when they are not working on themselves, there is not much they are capable of giving.  It has been my experience the saner one in the relationship is the one who does the reaching out more, and the bending.  There is no real timetable on how fast the BPD  recovers.  Please be ok with her "blowing up" if you tell her she is getting married.  Practice courage in the face of her possible negative reactions.  Look  at it this way, even when walking on eggshells, they still blow up at us.
This link from this website may help .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331689.0

[twocrazycats]

I join Swimmy in welcoming you, Understanding. I also agree with Swimmy about not worrying about your daughter blowing up if you tell her you are getting married. She will probably blow up either way, and the way I look at it is, what are you teaching her, modeling for her, by not telling her? Not telling her teaches her that it's best to avoid difficult situations or confrontations rather than deal with them. Telling her that you are getting married teaches her that people tell important details about their lives to their family and close friends, even when the other person might not want to hear what is being said. Telling her teaches her that dealing with difficult situations can hurt, but that it's okay, you get over it, and by dealing with it, the relationship is real and authentic.

She will get over it. It does take our BPD loved ones somewhat longer sometimes to get over these things, but they do. And I don't see how shielding her from it does anything good. She has to live in the real world.

Also, if the boundary she set was that YOU are not to talk about your relationships -- well, I don't think that's a boundary she gets to set. She can set boundaries about what she will and will not listen to. So if she says she doesn't want to talk to you since you informed her of the marriage, well, that's her right. But she has no right to set boundaries on what you say. And the marriage is an important part of your life, and she should be informed. That said, there are ways to say it that could minimize the impact on her. Maybe something like, "I know you said you don't want to hear about my relationships, so I won't go into detail, but I just want to let you know that X and I will be getting married on such and such day."

2CC

[formflier]

UnderstandingBPD

I'm glad you have found us and also really glad that your pwBPD is in therapy.  That's a very good thing.

How many times during the visit did you "slip up" and use "we" that resulted in her being upset?

How long until the next visit?

I bet we can help your navigate this.

Best,

FF