Love him/hate him

[PeaceLoveLight]

I am new here but have been dealing with this for years, but not knowing what “this” was. I am suspecting BPD and so does my counselor.  I have been married for 28 yrs and have periods when my husband gets mad and will completely shut me out. He can be hard to talk just on a regular basis as he sees things so black and white. Over the years I have found myself making accommodations for his actions or reactions and the last few years I have gotten to where I try to handle as much as possible (finances,household, etc)on my own as to not “set him off.” The last few months have had a couple bad “episodes” where he gets so angry, won’t talk to me for days and I have no idea why he is angry. We are currently in one of those places and again I have no idea why he hasn’t spoken to me in 7 days. It really feels like his reactions are escalating. He is more and more upset and negative on a daily basis. I am walking on eggshells a lot of the time and I am at the point where I am trying to decide if I can keep doing this. I love him so much and feel for him but the hurt and pain this causes me is also horrible.
I have been reading a lot about BPD and how to communicate. This is an area of huge frustration for him because he feels I don’t listen..and to be honest I haven’t been a great listener. I want to fix it or make sure my side is heard or correct him and all he hears is I’m telling him he’s wrong so then he uses that as an excuse to not talk to me at all.
In some respects it is a relief to have a name to what is going on with him, but the other side of it is overwhelming. This all makes me so sad..sad for him for feeling so bad, sad for me because it feels I have been slowly losing the man I love and sad for our 30 yr relationship if we don’t make it. It was relieved to have found this website to hopefully gain some tools and insight through people going through it and understand.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PeaceLoveLight]

We are in crisis right now. He hasn’t talked to me for 7 days and I can’t figure out what set him off except I texted him about renewing our auto insurance. Since then he has been ignoring me and when he’s home he acts like I don’t exist in his world. I have asked if he wants to talk and he says no. This is the longest period he has had of ignoring me and the most hurtful i think. I’m really at a loss. I don’t want to push because that sets him off. Do I just keep going about my business and ignore him? I just am not sure how to handle this.

[Ozzie101]

Hello and welcome, PeaceLoveLight! 

You've come to the right place. We definitely understand the road you're walking and we have a lot of tools and experience we can share with you.

The sudden rages can be bewildering, can't they? Things are better for me now, but for a while, I never knew what might set my H off. Something as simple as my asking if he wanted to take the first shower in the morning could trigger three hours of ranting.

That's good that you're working on communication. It sounds like you've been in the habit of JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). Perfectly natural. Most of us around here have done it at one time or another. But, as you've found, it's not only counter-productive, but sometimes actually harmful in a BPD relationship. Have you read much about SET (Support Empathy Truth)? It's a much better communication tool.

Have you noticed any patterns to his rages? Are there things you know are triggers?

As for the silent treatment, it's a common thing around here. Usually, we advise people to go about their lives. Keep the door open to him. If you usually ask him what he feels like for dinner, ask. You may not get a response, but just do your best to shrug it off. Let him self-soothe and come back to baseline. In the meantime, focus on you. Do things you enjoy. Spend time with family and friends. Eat foods you like. Indulge in hobbies. Practice self-care. And learn as much as you can about BPD. We have a lot of helpful articles on this site.

And keep posting. We're here to listen and to help!

[PeaceLoveLight]

Thank you for the info on SET. That will come in helpful. The communication has become a huge issue but i am learning all I can about how to change my way of communicating to him. The silent treatment is very difficult when we are sharing a house, lives etc and I have to make all the decisions because he won’t make any. I guess that really isn’t different then when he is talking to me because he won’t really make any decisions, he manipulates it so I end up making most decisions and then if it doesn’t work out or it’s not what he wanted it is my fault. Most things end up being my fault. Looking back on the 30 yrs we have been together I realize he has never really been totally “in” the marriage. He has always  treated me good and we have a great time together when things are good, but he’s a master at manipulating things so most things fall on me or he can turn them around to suit his needs. It’s exhausting. So for now I wait to see how this one plays out and read as much as I can on BPD.

[PeaceLoveLight]

He is avoiding me and staying in the guest room with the door shut. Do I ask him if he wants to talk or do I leave him alone and hope he will come to me. I am just so unsure of how to navigate this silent treatment.

[Ozzie101]

That's good that you're learning what you can and thinking about communication styles.

As for the "your fault" thing? Oh, I get it. Believe me. My H has been that way, too. He's better now, but it still happens. He gets hugely stressed by things and seems to rely on me to tell him what to do -- but I know from experience that if it goes wrong, I'll get blamed for telling him the wrong thing. It's the fear of failure, the insecurity. He looks to me as his stabilizer, his navigator, his engine -- all of it. He's admitted before once when I told him "I don't know what to do in this situation" that the fact that I didn't know scared him. I used to flail around, trying to solve all problems for him. Now, I stay calm and genuinely tell him "I don't know" or gently and carefully put the decision back on him. Unless, of course, it's something that I genuinely should have a say in.

Silent treatment is tricky. If he's avoiding you and keeping the door shut, I'd take that as a sign that he's not ready to talk. If/when he starts coming out, showing signs of warming a little, that would be a better time to approach it. But I'd save that for when he really seems like he's back to baseline. In the meantime, keep things light. Don't ignore him. If you'd normally ask him what he wants for dinner, ask. If you'd normally tell him where you're going when you leave, do that. Keep your tone friendly and normal -- not anxious or desperate or too conciliatory.

I know this is hard but you can do it!