Do I Also Have BPD?

[paperinkart]

Hey everyone! Hope you all enjoyed a lovely weekend.

Well, this is a topic I never thought would come up for me but here we are...

To give some context, I’ll give a very tiny history: my partner and I have been dating (on and off) for just over 2 years. The relationship was wonderful but rocky ever since a few months in with the classic “push/pull”. We have only just found out about BPD a couple of months ago, and though he hasn’t been formally diagnosed, he has almost every symptom in the book (well, except the blame and rage towards me which honestly is really nice haha  ).

Anyway, what’s been bugging me for awhile is...the more I research BPD and learn about it for him, the more I also begin to see my own habits mirrored back to me. I know the internet is a terrible place to self-diagnose, but I could honestly check off most of them.

I have a debilitating fear of abandonment. My mom passed away when I was 4, and even as a child, I grew SO attached to my older sister that she couldn’t leave the house without me having full-blown panic and anxiety attacks, even if I knew she was coming back in a few hours. She went away to summer camp for 2 weeks and I was honestly COMPLETELY distraught.

Anyway, this of course has done wonders for my romantic life! If I even have an inkling that someone could “abandon” me, I go into full-blown, red alert, sick to my stomach PANIC. I can’t describe it but I’m sure you can imagine.

I’ve self-harmed since I was 15 and sometimes it’s the only way for me to calm down. I often think in black or white- someone is either “good” or “bad”. My fight or flight response to conflict is intense. By nature, I am extremely soft-spoken and kind-hearted, but if I get mad about something, I get MAD. The only thing is that I rarely take it out on someone else and deal with intense anger by self-harming (in the worst cases- that’s gotten better as I get older).

This all came up today as I was obsessing over a lie my partner told 2 years ago (was it even a lie? How can I know? I’ve asked him for the truth a million times but how can I know it’s REALLY the truth?). My entire mood changed immediately. I became anxious and upset- as if it was happening right now. I even called him and was about to angrily grill him on it for the tenth time (he didn’t answer, lucky for him!). I can’t self-soothe when I feel like this.

My mood can change many times a day. I am extremely sensitive. I have very low self-esteem and feel lost in the direction of my life. I sabotage myself by impulsively quitting jobs with no back-up plan and no financial security. The only thing I don’t do is break-up with partners but I will obsess over my doubts about them until is becomes debilitating.

Anyway. All this to say, I know nobody but a professional can make an official diagnosis but I almost feel guilty. I’ve been so busy acting like a victim to my BPD partner, when for all we know, I could have the same.

Life is funny, huh?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi!

I think a lot of us ask this question at one time or another.  It is good to look within at our own behaviors and wounds and to work on healing them regardless of what label may be applied.   

The thing is, BPD behaviors are one everyone engages in at one time or another.  It is when they are pervasive and have detrimental effects on yourself and your relationships that there is a label... and you have to have enough of the behaviors to get a diagnosis. 

There are also other disorders that can cause the same behaviors including co-dependency, depression, bi-polar, PTSD, c-PTSD, addictions, etc.  The point is to identify the behaviors and work on coping with your impulses and learning new ways to act.

Many of us here will talk about having a fear of abandonment or problems with anger, myself included.  Some of it, for me, is learned behavior but even so, it is not healthy and it has caused me problems in my life.  Regardless of the label, I work on learning new ways.

... but I almost feel guilty. I’ve been so busy acting like a victim to my BPD partner, when for all we know, I could have the same.

This is an excellent insight into yourself and it is something important to look at.  Feeling like a victim ... I think we have all been there and in some ways we are/were victims.  That only gets us so far though in terms of changing how we act and respond.