asking if they have BPD

[commongarden]

I have done a great deal of research and believe the man I am dating has BPD or traits.  Does anyone have a suggestion as to how I broach the subject?

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[Ozzie101]

Hi commongarden and welcome!

Generally speaking, we do not recommend broaching the subject with a pwBPD. I'm assuming your BF has not been diagnosed? That's news that's much better coming from a professional. When loved ones bring it up or try to share their newfound knowledge (usually with the best of intentions), it rarely -- if ever -- goes over well.

We have more info about it here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

[commongarden]

Thank you so much

[Orion4]

Hi there,

I’m just becoming familiar with BPD after my therapist suggested I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I was describing my fiancé to her and she said it sounds like she may have BPD. She checks off almost every qualifier. I have no plans of telling her I think she has BPD, even though it feels like I’m being secretive and my fiancé very much values honesty in our relationship, as do I. But I know it probably would not go over well.
The problem I’m having is that she already goes to a therapist and is very committed to personal growth. She has been in therapy for many years and has had a few different therapists and none of them have told her she may have BPD. I’m nervous that they are actually reinforcing her victimhood instead of getting to the root of her patterns - switching jobs when conflict arises, thinking the world is unsafe and against her seeing people and situations as all good or bad. She also recently told me that one thing her ex-wife told her is that she always felt like she was “walking on eggshells” around her. I feel the same way and am fearful of saying something that she will have a bad reaction to.
I am just nervous that she will never get the help she needs if her therapists aren’t diagnosing her. I want to help myself and do everything in my power to keep this relationship thriving.

Thanks for reading and I am open to any and all words of wisdom.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Orion! Welcome!

BPD is notoriously difficult to diagnose. Unless a therapist has some experience or training with it, there's a good chance they'll miss the diagnosis. Or your fiancé could be charming them. (Not uncommon.) Or not being fully honest. It's also difficult to treat -- which is why some therapists refuse to see BPD patients.

I hope, when you're feeling up to it, that you'll start a thread of your own so we can get to know you better.

[Orion4]

Thank you for the warm welcome, Ozzie!

My therapist did say it’s hard to diagnose. It’s interesting because I’m with a therapist that is very familiar with BPD and really likes working with BPs. Which I guess is also great for me because she will be able to lend me a lot of support and help being in a relationship with a BP.
My fiancé’s therapist did tell her that she thought my fiancé’s mom sounded like she may have BPD. I started looking into it at that time and was like “Hmmmm this sounds like my fiancé.” Then the therapist I started seeing confirmed that she sounded like she may have BP, although she obviously couldn’t officially diagnose her without meeting her.

I’ll make sure to create my own thread so other member can get to know me better.

Thanks again for your warm welcome! Very happy to have found this forum.