Custody modification

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex has BPD.  I have been trying to co-parent with him for 6 years.  He is completely unpredictable when it comes to taking the boys to their activities such as travel soccer (practices, games tournaments), basketball, swim team, music lessons/recitals, etc.  He won't take them because he says I can't control what he does with the kids during "his time."  Or, he claims that it's too much driving, too much soccer, etc.  I have tried offering to take them myself and have even arranged car pools.  He simply won't let them go only because it is "his time."  So, I have two boys that want to succeed who has a mother who is willing to take them to everything they need to go to and a father who is actually blocking them from doing so 50% of the time.  We have a custody modification hearing coming up.  I don't see how the courts could possibly allow this to continue, but I know it will be tough.  Any tips are greatly appreciated.

[shorty0114]

My ex has BPD.  I have been trying to co-parent with him for 6 years.  He is completely unpredictable when it comes to taking the boys to their activities such as travel soccer (practices, games tournaments), basketball, swim team, music lessons/recitals, etc.  He won't take them because he says I can't control what he does with the kids during "his time."  Or, he claims that it's too much driving, too much soccer, etc.  I have tried offering to take them myself and have even arranged car pools.  He simply won't let them go only because it is "his time."  So, I have two boys that want to succeed who has a mother who is willing to take them to everything they need to go to and a father who is actually blocking them from doing so 50% of the time.  We have a custody modification hearing coming up.  I don't see how the courts could possibly allow this to continue, but I know it will be tough.  Any tips are greatly appreciated.

[Waddams]

how old are the boys? what's your lawyer say about it?

my XW gets lazy about taking my S15 to his activities. we live close to each other, so i go get him, and say i'll drop him off at his mom's after, but he always wants to come back to my house so i let him. if your kids are old enough (check with your lawyer on what is old enough), they might be able to make their own statements about their wishes and be taken seriously by the judge as long as their own statements are otherwise responsible/appropriate. sounds like they probably are, but the lawyer would need to give them some coaching on how to express it to the judge.

other options - propose you get them and take them to activities, swap time with your X so he still gets the equivalent amount of time. or change the standard parenting time schedule to allow a similar arrangement. kind of a pain, but maybe less expensive for you than a custody case in court.

[worriedStepmom]

My sister coached a local soccer team; one of the boys only showed up to half of the practices and games because his mom didn't want it infringing on her time.  She made it work, but I know now all leagues will do that (especially select!).

What's your current custody arrangement?  Did he agree to allow them to do those activities up front and change his mind?  Or has he always said he wouldn't allow them to do activities on his time?

How much infringement are the activities on his time?  Is it every single one of his weekends all day, or once a month for a few hours, or ...? 

I could see a judge being hesitant if you're loading the kids down with activities during dad's time without dad's permission, but also being irritated with a dad who won't allow the kids to be gone from his sight ever.

What other issues are you seeing that are necessitating a custody change?

[40days_in_desert]

Depending on where you live and the judge you have, this may not be enough to grant a custody modification. If your ex agreed up front to allow your sons to participate in these activities, a judge will probably reprimand your ex and tell him to allow your sons access to the mentioned activities during his custodial time. Especially if you offer to take them when he has them. If there are other factors such as excessive absences from school, skipping meals on a regular basis because dad doesn't provide dinner or leaving them home alone for extended periods of time (depending on their age) for example, that would make your case stronger.
As worriedStepmom mentioned, if a judge perceives their busy schedule to infringe on dad's time and he did not agree to the activities, you might leave the hearing disappointed.

As also mentioned, their age will play a factor. If they are teenagers and state that they want to participate in these activities it will play a greater role in what a judge decides than if they are seven or eight years old. If you haven't already,  discuss this with your lawyer to see what his/her their take is on your case.

[ForeverDad]

My county has magistrates who act as lesser judges.  I went to court for majority time when my son was 11, I had previously obtained full custody.  He had been tardy about 20 or so times in the school year, nearly all on her school days.  I reported his 5th grade overnight field trip - and teachers corroborated - which started on my time.  She demanded she get her son when her time started, went to the location and had a scene with the teachers monitoring the camp.  The magistrate was really peeved and lectured her.

As I said, I was asking for majority time.  I was able to document how she would play games with my exchanges too.  Not now, later.  Not there, here.  The decision granted me majority time... but only during the school year, summers stayed equal time.  I concluded that you can mess around with dad with minimal scrutiny but don't mess around with school.  After-school activities may not get the same level of 'actionable' attention, but the court needs to know to factor in how they decide.

[livednlearned]

He won't take them because he says I can't control what he does with the kids during "his time." 

This is probably what bothers him most -- feeling controlled.

He may also struggle to organize himself. If he struggles with emotional volatility and anxiety he may choose to do what's easiest (stay home) because going out requires effort he isn't able to spare.

How do the kids feel about their activities and not being able to attend during his time?