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Author Topic: BPD or is it me?  (Read 96 times)

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 3

« on: February 16, 2020, 03:47:47 PM »

Hi all,
Looking for some help. I’ll try and keep this as brief as possibly.

I’ve been with my wife 10 years, married 5. We have two children together age 2 1/2 and 6. We also have another child 12 from my wife’s previous marriage(my step daughter) Father died in a car accident while my wife was pregnant.

Myself and stepdaughter haven’t always had the best relationship, I feel mainly due to my wife’s ex mother in law always up talking her dead father(he was a functioning heroin addict btw). So S/D has never seen me as a dad.
Last year I was under investigation from social services and police for things s/d alleged at school. It was at this point I first noticed a change in my wife’s behaviour.  After a long investigation police and social services let things return to normal with no action taken, and an apology from social services. Under lots of pressure from previous husbands family my wife asked for separation. For months she was going back and forth between separation and loving me. We eventually stayed together Although things never returned to how they were before. My wife never set the story straight with people, so for them I am this horrible step father. Which has made things  awkward even impossible at times. I believe she enjoyed the attention at the time. 

My wife has been through a lot -1st Husband died 13 years ago, in the last 3 years her father has died, two aunties died, social services case, a court case at work involving the murder of a baby, depression after our youngest child’s birth.
My wife has been to the doctor 3 times in the last 2 years for anti depressants, she has harmed herself and also txt me at work to say she had found a scalpel and wanted to end it all.

A little about me. I’m a hands on dad. I work full time. My wife works nights/wkends,so I have the kids half the time. I make the dinner most nights after getting home from work, I wash, clean, iron, charm, look after bills, go to parents evenings, take kids to various extra curricular activities etc.

Again this year, almost exactly a year to the day my wife is asking for a divorce again. She seems more serious this time, she’s seen solicitor etc. Only a few months ago she was speaking of booking holidays and building an extension on our house. Her reasons to me aren’t clear and seem like small issues, which she makes into big issues. As soon as she decided on divorce she went about letting as many people know as possible either face to face, over phone, txt, even the Vodafone salesman. People she hadn’t even spoken to in years she was telling. She has different groups of friends some of who I also speak with, and she seems to give them different reasons for wanting divorce depending on who she speaks with. To me it seems like she loves the attention and sympathy.

Since this started we went through a stage of sleeping separately, still occasionally having sex. We sleep in the same bed again now (which we don’t have to). My wife’s  emotions to me are so up and down I don’t know where I stand half the time. She has quick mood changes. These could be from day to day or spur of the moment. She tells me she loves me but doesn’t have to like me! We share a bed 4 nights a week due to myself working away and my wife working nights. One night she might want to have sex and be really up for it. (I can tell by her body language and mood etc) other nights she doesn’t want to know because she’s hating me again. When we do she falls asleep holding me and looking at me. Last week for example - I had been working away, we spoke during the day and she was saying all these bad things about me and wanted me to move out. When I returned home I could tell she wanted me again, we ended up having sex, which was more like making love than it had been for a while. She fell asleep holding me, staring up at me. The next day she was off again!!

It seems like the way she is acting is to hurt me. And anything that goes wrong is always my fault.

I really love my wife and have been trying incredibly hard to try and make this work. I’m really not sure where I stand! Is this bdp? Should I be off with her, keep trying and showing love? Accept its over and move on?

Any advice or help appreciated. Thanks.
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 842

« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2020, 05:30:30 PM »

Dear Yoyo1234-

Welcome to our community.  I’m so sorry for the pain and confusion that brings you here, but very glad you’ve found us.

Just so you know, there is no need to keep your posts brief... the more information you provide, the better able members are to assist you.

There are parts of your life story that I find so maddening (as a stepmom myself).  For the life of me, and especially when your SD’s bio-dad had passed and she had a chance for a fully loving father (YOU)... Why on earth those in-laws would be so selfish to deny her that lifelong opportunity.  It boggles my mind, truly.  A child cannot have too many loving supporters.  But my guess is fear.  Fear that they lost their son, and now you would come and “steal” his child, their grandchild.  Sad they couldn’t see beyond that. You came into her life when she was 2, young enough for her to FULLY embrace you as her dad.  All those in-laws have done (IMO) is give you some insight into why their son chose a path of addiction to possibly numb himself from HIS upbringing.  Who knows, but I hope he’s resting in peace.

I am so sorry you had to endure that horrid investigation last year.  What was your W’s reaction at the start and the end of that painful experience? 

Was your SD placed in therapy as part of the resolution of that case and investigation?  Has your SD ever been in therapy?  What are your or your W’s thoughts on T for this 12-year old girl?  Seems kind of appropriate, do you think?

How involved are the in-laws in your day-to-day lives?  I’m hoping they don’t spend any time with YOUR children.

Your W has endured her share of painful losses over the years; and a cluster of them in the last three.  Has she considered or done grief counseling?  Would she be open to this?  This type of T can be presented in a non-threatening way and can perhaps open doors to other, more pressing relationship topics.

I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much straightaway, so just a few things, ok my friend?

First, although we cannot diagnose here, it does sound like she may have BPD traits.  And NO, it’s NOT you.  However, you DO play a starring role in this thing... in how you communicate with her.  And in how you take care of yourself.

This site is filled with incredible resources to help you navigate and improve your relationship with your uBPDw (undiagnosed BPD wife).  Please take some time to look over the TOOLS and Workshops sections.

As far as communication tools go, I would start with learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).  We ALL do it, we ALL JADE... and it’s best NOT to.  I strongly believe changing this habit may also improve your relationship with your SD12.   Communicating with JADE tends to push pwBPD to spin out.

Based on your SD’s leaning toward false accusations, she may be in the beginning stages of taking on some other damaging behaviors.  It will likely be her mom who’s going to pay the price for this in the long run, but you may too.  There ARE steps to nip it in the bud.

Then I would read about Validation.  You’ve got to use caution not to Validate the *INVALID*.  It’s tricky, but very helpful.  You’re basically looking to validate whatever the underlying feeling is.

A few other key things about pwBPD (people with BPD) are that to them,  FEELINGS =FACTS.  So they will “alter” a narrative to match how they feel.  And they operate in a world of very black and white thinking.  You’re either all GOOD or you’re all BAD.

With the tools, you can learn to manage her mindset.  It seems your W’s thoughts are very easily manipulated by her in-laws.  Why do you suppose that is?

Did she know these people from when she was very young?  How deep was her relationship with them before her late H passed away?

My friend, this is a very safe space for you.  Say anything you’d like.  You have beautiful young people who need your love and stability, So your self-care needs to remain high on your list of priorities.

This means retain YOUR support people, your friends and family; your exercise, your leisure and time for joy.  Your W is welcome to join you.  Always welcome to join you.

Sorry this is so wordy.  Please share your thoughts.

I’m glad you’re here. There IS hope.



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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 3

« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2020, 05:59:29 AM »

Hi Gemsforeyes
Thanks for responding.
In terms of my W relationship with her ex in-laws – my wife met, fell pregnant and married their son all within the space of a year! But she insists it was not a whirlwind relationship. After they married, they lived with his parents until his death. After his death my wife continued to live there until the birth of my s/d and continued to live there after for a while after. I guess them both living together and grieving for the same person has given them a bond. My wife is a nurse so a lot of her training was done when s/d was young, meaning ex mother in law did a lot of the childcare. I think that this has given them a close bond. My wife has also seen her as a mother figure and basically anything she says must be correct and she can’t do any wrong. During this time my wife went for a number of years not speaking to her own mother, the reasons for this have never been told to me. I’ve always found s/d and W ex mother in-laws relationship to be a bit too much. In the past I’ve heard s/d calling her mum and Ex mother in law not correcting her. This was when she was young around 3 or 4. Ex mother in law would never discipline s/d and would basically give her what she wanted, you might say spoil. My two children don’t spend a great deal of time with them but the do go and visit. It hurts at Christmas and Birthdays when I see how much is spent/given to s/d compared to how little is given to my two children. I’m sure most people would try to treat them all the same
In terms of my W reaction to the investigation – She started off supporting me, I had to spend time away from the family home which she hated and just wanted me back asap. Then all of a sudden it changed - my s/d had returned from a visit to ex mother in laws, my W was due at work on a night shift, s/d was supposed to be staying at my parents because I was not allowed to be alone with any of the children, I was to stay at home, while children stayed at my parents. All was sorted until my W received a message form Ex mother in law, saying she didn’t want s/d staying with my parents, she feared for her safety. If my W did leave s/d with my parents ex mother in law was going to contact social services. After this point my W attitude towards me changed, she started to blame me for everything that was going on and began to talk of separation. Before this point my parents had a really good relationship with s/d, she would stay over, they would take her on days out, we would go on holidays together. That’s all gone now.
S/D didn’t receive any counselling, apart from a school counsellor who she was able to speak to as and when needed
My W received counselling through work because of the court case she went through (my wife witnessed something at work, the mum then went on to kill her daughter, my W had to give evidence of what she had seen). This counselling was once a month for about 6 months. I think in these sessions she may have spoken about other things. When I mention to my W about counselling now she says “I don’t need it, I’ve already done it”.

What I can’t get my head around is the way she blames everything on me and is unwilling to take any responsibility for her actions.. I don’t know how to act around her at the moment. Do I try to be loving and caring? Should I be cold and distant? Should I be sleeping with her? My hope at the moment is that by sleeping together and me being loving, is that after time passes she may eventually come round, and then I can talk to her again about counselling when/if she wants to stay together.
My wife gives the persona to other people like she is fine and everything is ok with her, yet when I see her at home she is cold, distant and seems troubled.
Thanks for your help.
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