Truly feeling at wits end

[Trusting-waiting]

Hi all. Many of you have probably read my story concerning 29 y/o dd with baby. For the last 4+ months she has been in an abyss of self hatred, depression, anger, etc. Everyday, almost without fail she recaps the ways in which she made a mistake staying with her boyfriend for 5 years and then having his child after she had already broken up with him.

She finished 8 weeks intensive DBT a couple weeks ago. No real progress. She needs to find a therapist. She needs to find a job. Instead she sabotages every potential step forward. The crying and pity parties are very draining. I don’t want baby gd to be adversely affected. So far baby is happy and healthy. So delightful.

On the bright side, my dd grandparents are watching baby one day and father another day. This gives me a break and gives dd time to look for and find work. Thankfully I was able to return to my therapist (yesterday) who I hadn’t seen for 4 months.

It’s so hard because every time I think she’s making progress there’s a setback. It’s very helpful to have you on this journey with me. I pray the best for all your sons and daughters and you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Trusting-waiting]

Just wanted to add couple things. Dd show3f interest in taking an art class and working out at a gym. As these are both healthy endeavors, we agreed to help financially. When she then laments about how much help she’ll need and how overwhelming it is, I get a little peeved! She’s living at home rent free, food covered. Her expenses are only her phone, fuel for car and discretionary spending. At times it feels like we are feeding a drowning person while a life preserver is in reach.

[Trusting-waiting]

Ok sorry, one more thing! Is an entitled attitude naturally common in people w/bpd or is it a byproduct of the disorder? That is, a parental response to their child’s crises and ongoing problems.

[Resiliant]

Hi Trusting,

I get it!

One of the things that I remember from Valerie Porr's book is a part where there was a family group and one of the parents said to another " Don't you realize... it's never about YOU!"

What I am saying is that there is a good chance that your daughter has no concept of the sacrifices that you make for her.   No concept of what it means that she eats your food and sleeps in a nice bed with a roof over her head that you provide every day, wears clothes yet doesn't have a job.  No concept of the fact that you are actually giving things up that you shouldn't have to.

Would you agree that she also has no concept of how lucky she is to have access to great and free babysitting?

Somehow that hasn't entered her brain the way it would someone without BPD.   I'm not sure that we can be upset with her about it, she simply doesn't get it.   The only way that she will get it is if she has to go without it.   

This is the struggle for parents of adult BPD children, especially when there are grandchildren involved.  We might be able to "tough out" seeing our adult BPD children suffer the consequences of their choices, but once there are innocent grandchildren involved it changes things.

At times it feels like we are feeding a drowning person while a life preserver is in reach.

I understand why you feel peeved!  If it weren't for the grandchild I would say offer her only what is critical and essential for survival.  This is the only way that she will understand. Throw her that life preserver and tell her to swim!    If only it were that simple...

In the end, my point is that in my experience the only way that our BPD children will really understand is through their own first hand experience.  Somehow you will have to balance allowing things to be tough for her, while keeping in mind the health and safety of the grandchild.  Your protective instinct will want to solve all problems to make sure the grandchild is okay, but that may not help the situation. 

Somehow we need to protect your grandchild while helping the mom (your daughter) see her way to taking responsibility as a parent.   

She is obviously needing tons of validation.  Lots of encouragement when she is doing things well.  When she is being a great mom, let her know.  When she is doing anything well, let her know.  She needs support and validation to have the confidence that she can be a good mother and that she is a good enough mother for your grandchild.

This can take years, and will never be perfect but it can be done!

I feel for you, you are in a challenging situation.  I have always admired your strength and you seem to have both feet on the ground.  You'll get this 

[Isanni]

My kid, diagnosed with borderline traits, comes across as extremely entitled. I don't know if it's the traits or how we raised her but it's likely the later. When you sense someone you love and adore is weaker than other, it's a natural reaction to help.

It sounds like something needs to snap for her. A switch needs to be turned on. Unfortunately you cannot do that for them.

Do you ask her if she wants to keep the baby? If she does, what does she envisions as a healthy life for the two of them with family surrounding her?

Really, I get why she's not happy. Likely she isn't resilient to begin with and her life steps went out of order and she knows she made stupid decisions and invested in a not-so-great guy and now has this huge responsibility. Who wouldn't be down? Especially these poor people who feel so much more intensely.

Unless she gives the kid up, she has to internalize - Yes, we know she feels sadness and disappointment and confusion times 100 time more than us but the sad reality is that she is showing her baby how to respond to PLEASE READ that life throws at us. She needs to choose to either shut down and play the victim or rise up. Give the baby up and continue as is or work with those who love her to build the skills she has to be successful.
You are the best grandma anyone could ask for!