Trial Separation - I've had it

[Meridius]

This is an update on this https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335070.msg13042825#msg13042825

I'm starting a trial separation from my BPDw after some of her big OD relapses and her screaming at me during couples counselling.  I've found accomodation but still contribute to the main rent...for now.  Part of me is happy I've gotten myself to the point where I can calmly say, "I need this for me. I'm going!".

The other part is worried that I might be fooling myself and everyone around me calling this a "Trial Separation inside the marriage vows".  As much as I value marriage vows, a big part of me just screams "Run!"

At the very least, I want time for myself.  To heal.  To take stock.  To get some focus on my job.  To spend time with my teenage daughters from my first marriage.  And time to ask myself,

• She's already done DBT(two rounds full program w/ therapy), is this the best it's going to get?
• If nothing changed with her, what would I have to change for myself to stay married inside the marriage vows?
• What would have to change for her to make it worth our while?

I've already done a lot of self exploration after my first marriage failed, and I'm not sure I'm willing to stretch again (stretch BIG) to put up with/radically accept how she is.  I've just figured out my rescuing tendencies and have learned clean boundaries.  A trial separation is a clean boundary, albeit a big one.  

Physically, I'm getting fear "gut punches" multiples times a day whenever I'm with my BPDw or thinking about her.  Her psychologist saw them and said it was a "stress anxiety response".  It's been happening for over a year.  But in November 2019, I got screamed at in couples counselling.  I was talking about what I needed to feel safe and supported and she absolutely lost it.  Told me to move out the next day.  That was a "WTF?  Do I need to put up with this?" moment for me.  And then the gut punches got really bad after that.  Part of my separation is so that I don't have to experience them on a daily basis.

My wife is worried that I'll just enjoy not having them and not come back.  The abandonment fears are kicking in hard.  She's asking questions like "What would a reconciliation look like?  How long will you be?"

My T says I have to decide whether I'm willing to live with this relationship or not.  It's like trying to predict the future.  She's very slowly recovering, but still not working and playing games on her phone on the couch all day.  Maybe she is, but I really, really don't know.  I'm not sure she really understands taking responsibility.

Any perspectives or experiences (good or bad) on trial separations would be helpful.

For instance:

• She can't really remember all the reasons why I'm going, after several explanations.  And I'm not sure if she realises there's stuff for her to work on.  Should I write it down for her?
• Should we have a reconciliation approach laid out?  Or is this just her fear of abandonment mechanisms kicking in?

Oh geez...here we go.

M

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dt9000]

We did an in-home separation (her idea, so she could openly pursue an affair partner) for two months and then I moved out when I couldn't take the abuse anymore. Neither of these were 'trial separations' but they gave me some space to begin to see things more clearly.

My initial feeling was to find a way to make the marriage work and reconcile after things cooled down. Through the process I realized that the healthy thing for me was to continue the separation and seek a divorce. I would not have been able to come to that conclusion without the space created by a separation.

dt9000

[SinisterComplex]

It depends on which end you are really on as far as the perspective you may want to hear. In my case...I ended up in divorce. Nothing changed. Just more games, bs, and drama so I moved on. I did not want to be tied to a woman who I could not trust and who didn't want to be an equal partner. Believe me I fought for my marriage. My view...if you are at that point with the idea of separation...you are just delaying the inevitable and trying to soften the blow and in truth only prolonging the pain and torture. What do you want for yourself? Be honest with yourself...do you believe things will get better? Are you willing to accept the status quo if nothing changes?

You really are at what I call the sh*t or get off the pot point of no return moment. Take the time to really think through things and decide what you really want long-term. Makes no difference which route you go. However, what I suggest...make a decision and stick to it. Do not flip flop. Now is the time to reflect so when you make a decision on how to proceed and move forward everything is done with conviction and with a clear conscience.

I wish you good luck and hope for the best outcome for you.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[Rev]

This is an update on this https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335070.msg13042825#msg13042825

I'm starting a trial separation from my BPDw after some of her big OD relapses and her screaming at me during couples counselling.  I've found accomodation but still contribute to the main rent...for now.  Part of me is happy I've gotten myself to the point where I can calmly say, "I need this for me. I'm going!".

The other part is worried that I might be fooling myself and everyone around me calling this a "Trial Separation inside the marriage vows".  As much as I value marriage vows, a big part of me just screams "Run!"

At the very least, I want time for myself.  To heal.  To take stock.  To get some focus on my job.  To spend time with my teenage daughters from my first marriage.  And time to ask myself,

• She's already done DBT(two rounds full program w/ therapy), is this the best it's going to get?
• If nothing changed with her, what would I have to change for myself to stay married inside the marriage vows?
• What would have to change for her to make it worth our while?

I've already done a lot of self exploration after my first marriage failed, and I'm not sure I'm willing to stretch again (stretch BIG) to put up with/radically accept how she is.  I've just figured out my rescuing tendencies and have learned clean boundaries.  A trial separation is a clean boundary, albeit a big one. 

Physically, I'm getting fear "gut punches" multiples times a day whenever I'm with my BPDw or thinking about her.  Her psychologist saw them and said it was a "stress anxiety response".  It's been happening for over a year.  But in November 2019, I got screamed at in couples counselling.  I was talking about what I needed to feel safe and supported and she absolutely lost it.  Told me to move out the next day.  That was a "WTF?  Do I need to put up with this?" moment for me.  And then the gut punches got really bad after that.  Part of my separation is so that I don't have to experience them on a daily basis.

My wife is worried that I'll just enjoy not having them and not come back.  The abandonment fears are kicking in hard.  She's asking questions like "What would a reconciliation look like?  How long will you be?"

My T says I have to decide whether I'm willing to live with this relationship or not.  It's like trying to predict the future.  She's very slowly recovering, but still not working and playing games on her phone on the couch all day.  Maybe she is, but I really, really don't know.  I'm not sure she really understands taking responsibility.

Any perspectives or experiences (good or bad) on trial separations would be helpful.

For instance:

• She can't really remember all the reasons why I'm going, after several explanations.  And I'm not sure if she realises there's stuff for her to work on.  Should I write it down for her?
• Should we have a reconciliation approach laid out?  Or is this just her fear of abandonment mechanisms kicking in?

Oh geez...here we go.

M

Here's my suggestion - one that I make to many people who are caught int the merry-go-round you are.

So - the trial separation is for you to heal.  That's good. What are you actually going to do? One suggestion I would make is while you are away healing - read out loud to yourself in front of a mirror the things that you are writing.  You will literally see yourself for who you are.

And - the trial separation is a great boundary. Give yourself a deadline - like say six months - and then observe ... her. Objectively. You'll see what emerges.

Good luck. Godspeed.

Rev

[Meridius]

We did an in-home separation (her idea, so she could openly pursue an affair partner) for two months and then I moved out when I couldn't take the abuse anymore. Neither of these were 'trial separations' but they gave me some space to begin to see things more clearly.

Did your exBPDw ever get therapy or accept any kind of diagnosis?

We started an in-home separation back in mid-September.  It was her idea for three months to give her "quiet, less emotionally intense time".  I only moved into another bedroom, but inside I was like "Oh yeah!"  Part of it was quiet, but other parts were very intense.  And she assumed I'd come back to the bedroom after three months.

[Meridius]

So - the trial separation is for you to heal.  That's good. What are you actually going to do? One suggestion I would make is while you are away healing - read out loud to yourself in front of a mirror the things that you are writing.  You will literally see yourself for who you are.

Thanks.  That's a good idea.

[I Am Redeemed]

Are you still seeing the couple's counselor during the separation?

An unstructured, open ended separation is likely to just fuel her fear of abandonment. There needs to be a clear path to reconciliation with goals for each of you individually and as a couple. This is ideally planned with a professional such as the counselor.

A separation where you passively wait for the other party to see the light and start making a sincere effort just keeps you in limbo until the relationship deteriorates even further. It sounds like she doesn't have a clue about what her part in making reconciliation a possibility would be, which is why you need a counselor to help make each person's path clear.

If she is still resistant to changing anything about her behavior, that may help you reevaluate what you need to do for you.

[dt9000]

Did your exBPDw ever get therapy or accept any kind of diagnosis?

We started an in-home separation back in mid-September.  It was her idea for three months to give her "quiet, less emotionally intense time".  I only moved into another bedroom, but inside I was like "Oh yeah!"  Part of it was quiet, but other parts were very intense.  And she assumed I'd come back to the bedroom after three months.

She has been in therapy since she was 12, with a variety of diagnoses and countless therapists. When she could no longer manipulate the therapist, she dumped them for a new one. Her therapy and diagnosis became a big secret the last number of years, so I'm not even sure what her current dx is. I had to recognize that regardless of her attending therapy, she never made sustained progress. How can someone be in therapy for 30 years and not make progress?

dt9000

[Ozzie101]

You're getting some good advice here, Meridius. As Redeemed said, an open-ended separation can really hit the fear of abandonment button. It also makes it easier for you to become stuck in limbo. Your therapist(s) can help with that. And you need to do a lot of thinking about what you really want. What do you want your life to look like? What needs to happen to achieve it? What's the likelihood that can happen?

She can't really remember all the reasons why I'm going, after several explanations.  And I'm not sure if she realises there's stuff for her to work on.  Should I write it down for her?

I wouldn't. Writing things down like that can come across as attacking. Or, it could become something she "weaponizes" to use against you somehow in an argument: proof of how little you care for her/how mean you are/etc. That's another area a counselor may be of help.

[MeandThee29]

Are you still seeing the couple's counselor during the separation?

An unstructured, open ended separation is likely to just fuel her fear of abandonment. There needs to be a clear path to reconciliation with goals for each of you individually and as a couple. This is ideally planned with a professional such as the counselor.

A separation where you passively wait for the other party to see the light and start making a sincere effort just keeps you in limbo until the relationship deteriorates even further. It sounds like she doesn't have a clue about what her part in making reconciliation a possibility would be, which is why you need a counselor to help make each person's path clear.

If she is still resistant to changing anything about her behavior, that may help you reevaluate what you need to do for you.

Hindsight is always better than foresight, but separation just prolonged the pain for me. Our agreement was that he would get counselling, but he never did. He also never owned up to his long-term disordered thinking. So it was just one big, long blame game. Thankfully I got a lot of help with my own issues during that period, so the divorce process was mostly validating. Painful, but I was more ready for it than I thought I was.

[Meridius]

Here's my suggestion - one that I make to many people who are caught int the merry-go-round you are.

So - the trial separation is for you to heal.  That's good. What are you actually going to do?

And - the trial separation is a great boundary. Give yourself a deadline - like say six months - and then observe ... her.

So what am I going to do for healing myself?

• Get focussed at work.  It will be nice to be able to go days and weeks without having to dealing with any of her drama
• Prayer, meditation and journalling.  Lots of journalling.  Mentally sorting things out.
• Back to the gym / swimming
  
• See a therapist.  I might need a new one just for me.  I was seeing one who led a practice specialised in helping BPD patients.  The perspective on her was interesting.  Now I'm going to focus on myself
• Recreate who I am for me.  For my kids.  For the organisations I work for / work with.  It's been just too focused on her issues and drama.
  
• Spend more time with my own kids.  Teenage daughters, who have seen less of me over this relatively short second marriage.

As for timeframe, should I pick a timeframe enough for me, or enough for her to maybe make some changes.  If it's the first, 3 months would be a good start.  For her to change, should I lean towards six(6) months?  And it's not like I've actually told her what I'd like to change...I'm learning "Didn't cause it.  Can't control it.  Can't cure it" as an attitude.

[Meridius]

[TRIGGER WARNING - sensitive topics post - suicide attempts]

As Redeemed said, an open-ended separation can really hit the fear of abandonment button.

I wouldn't. Writing things down like that can come across as attacking.

When I first talked about a healing separation for me, it was somewhat open ended, but she kept forgetting I'd said six months.  She didn't like it.  She told me if I left, she would put the walls up and not take me back.  When we discussed this with the couples counsellor (3rd one), the counsellor said, "Yes, well you can make a choice on this as well as to whether you want to take him back". 

Then she turned to me and said "After your decision to leave, M, you realise she might not want you back".  I was thinking "Oh...I'm happy to take that risk".  Then I said "Yeah...I understand that could happen".  I'm still amazed she said that.  It's not the best opening negotiation position.

The counsellor helped her articulate that she didn't trust the healing separation would work.  She didn't understand how I would "heal" the issues I had listed and wanted more details.  I'd mentioned some things about therapy, mediation and prayer, time with kids, etc.  She thought it would just end up like the last time she separated from her previous husband.  I think that's just the abandonment fear kicking in.  It makes her say really weird things.

I do get the writing down part could come across as attacking.  For our 2nd counsellor (yes, she's counsellor shopping), we were asked to provide a list of "things that we need to feel safe and supported".  I read my list to her.  Mostly around her overdoses are a NO!  And not negotiable.   Not losing her temper (in a major way) at my kids was also not negotiable.  After reading 3/4 of the list, she had a massive temper tantrum.  Screamed "I can't do this list.  It's impossible".  She then stormed out of the room and yelled at me and the counsellor from the hallway and told me I had to move out and leave by the end of the weekend.  She was screaming so loudly, the session next door, that counsellor came out into the hallway to find out what was going on.

My decision to separate came after the second counsellor and being yelled at, and another small overdose she had the next day when I said no to her.  She was demanding some non-urgent information about my eldest daughter at midnight and I was already in bed and half asleep.

One thing she said just recently made my head turn.  She told me, "If you loved me, you'd accept my suicide attempts"  A few months prior, she was arguing that the suicide attempts weren't that.  They were just overdoses and her trying to shut down the emotional pain in her head.  Well, the first one was a real attempt.  I have the suicide note to prove it.  I really wish she'd stop saying these kinds of things because she's pushing me away.  Only babies less than 1 year have the right to say things like that.  I think I sound harsh, but maybe I'm discovering what I want and don't want in a relationship.

[Rev]

As for timeframe, should I pick a timeframe enough for me, or enough for her to maybe make some changes.  If it's the first, 3 months would be a good start.  For her to change, should I lean towards six(6) months?  And it's not like I've actually told her what I'd like to change...I'm learning "Didn't cause it.  Can't control it.  Can't cure it" as an attitude.

That's an excellent question - so at the risk of being coy - what do you think is the right answer?  In asking this question - do you think you are fixing boundaries solid and tight or are you letting them slide?  Likely its a mix, isn't it?  So the next question is... which are solid and which are sliding?

In the end, I always say that there is no right or wrong answer - but there is an honest one. It's a question of motivation. 

Boy you are close to finding your sweet spot.

Sit with those questions. Write back when you are ready. Life may be a journey but it's not necessarily a race.

Rev

[Meridius]

That's an excellent question - so at the risk of being coy - what do you think is the right answer?  In asking this question - do you think you are fixing boundaries solid and tight or are you letting them slide?  Likely its a mix, isn't it?  So the next question is... which are solid and which are sliding?

Rev

Good questions.

I knew I needed to get out of the house and be outside the blast radius of her emotional good/bad whirlwind, the occasional overdoses and her clinginess when things were calmer.  That boundary, for me, was clear.

I moved out on the weekend, and right now I'm giving myself 72 hours to just settle into my new temporary place and not take in any major advice.  Just get to work, do some exercise and listen to calm music.

I really still want to make this marriage work and unsure of what new abilities I'll need to survive and thrive if she doesn't really change much.  That's scary, but I'm not going to try not think about it for another few days.  No guarantees on us, but for now, I'm got my place to rest for at least three months. 

[Rev]

Good questions.

I knew I needed to get out of the house and be outside the blast radius of her emotional good/bad whirlwind, the occasional overdoses and her clinginess when things were calmer.  That boundary, for me, was clear.

I moved out on the weekend, and right now I'm giving myself 72 hours to just settle into my new temporary place and not take in any major advice.  Just get to work, do some exercise and listen to calm music.

I really still want to make this marriage work and unsure of what new abilities I'll need to survive and thrive if she doesn't really change much.  That's scary, but I'm not going to try not think about it for another few days.  No guarantees on us, but for now, I'm got my place to rest for at least three months. 

Wow!  You so got this - what a great plan.

Rev

[Meridius]

We did an in-home separation (her idea, so she could openly pursue an affair partner) for two months and then I moved out when I couldn't take the abuse anymore. Neither of these were 'trial separations' but they gave me some space to begin to see things more clearly.

Wow, that's very hard to deal with.  I'm glad to hear you found the space to make a decision clearly.  It's the clear decisions that are the easiest to take.

It sounds like she was manipulative of you to get what she wanted.

[Meridius]

Wow!  You so got this - what a great plan.

Rev

Hi Rev.  Thanks for the encouragement. 

Someone gave me a heads up months ago that after you draw a clean boundary, you get some "emotional afterburn".  It's like being on an emotional carousel and you start second guessing yourself.  I'm just waiting for all that to settle down for a bit.

I'm so tempted to write more, but I'm holding off. 

[WorksNeverDone]

Wow...what a tough situation!  Kudos to you for taking the time/space to recapture your sense of self.  My experience is that if you are going to continue in a relationship like this (I have) that any/all boundaries that you set will be continuously tested for weakness in every manner possible.  Loving detachment and a clear sense of your needs and boundaries will be essential.  I haven't yet reached the point where the testing has receded. 

I would also be cautious with responding to questions like "what would reconciliation look like."  My BPDw has tended to mean "what are you going to do differently if we get back together that will "address my issues" so that I am getting the life that I want."  Essentially, she was asking if she should bother waiting around for me to "fix myself" or if she should take steps (new relationships) before I realized that I may not want her back and she would get rejected.  That was a far cry from my mindset, which was focused on how she was going to work to not subject me to her outbursts, affairs, suicidal threats and anger.  Learning to define what your BPDw means is essential.  It's very easy to feel like you've got your head back on straight, decide to "work on things" and find yourself back in the same situation as before (I have many times).

[Meridius]

that any/all boundaries that you set will be continuously tested for weakness in every manner possible. 

Thanks WorksNeverDone.  It's good to hear from people who left as well as chose to stay.

I'm still new at boundaries, but had a good experience when my BPDw took an overdose before a big family trip overseas.  I told her I couldn't let her travel so soon after she got out a long rehab stay.  She was angry that I approached her attending doctor about her not going.  The doctor was helpful, and she didn't end up going. I had a nice family visit with my daughter.  Father-daughter time.  Precious!

She's testing boundaries now, even as we're apart.  It's not a clean separation, but it's clean enough.  I'm still paying 1/2 of rent, and medical insurance and staying with a friend who's charging next to nothing rent.  I took enough personal gear that I could stay away for months if I had to.  She's just taking care of my pets, so I'm a little worried about that(but my health is more important that my pets.  Sorry pet lovers).  She has to learn to manage her expenditures and what she spends to "cope" with things.

She's asked me to renew her professional certification, probably because she's still recovering from being bullied and harassed at her workplace and hasn't been back in years.  That's predominantly not her fault(her ex-boss is an a**hole, so I'm inclined to help her on that.

She also asked me to take care of an ambulance bill on medical insurance.  That ambulance was for a legitimate physical medical issue.  Also, not entirely her fault.

I said yes to both.  I know some of my confidants will be angry that I'm playing rescuer.  But there are some things I'm not going to rescue her on, and others that I will.  I can only make a decision in the moment and then see if I feel better or worse for it.

One of biggest tests was the day after I left, I spoke to her and she said she had told some friends I'd moved out and she told me they asked her "Is it permanent?".  And she looked at me, like it was my fault they were asking this.  I kept my mouth shut.  I had already told her several times it's a trial separation and told her things I was going to work on.  She's forgotten...or playing the victim.
 
Then she said another friend had asked her "Why did he move out?", and she told me she said to them "I don't know"...and looked at me.  I calmly replied "I don't agree with that.  I've told you several times in several ways, in conversation and in writing, what I'm unhappy about". 

I would also be cautious with responding to questions like "what would reconciliation look like."  My BPDw has tended to mean "what are you going to do differently if we get back together that will "address my issues" so that I am getting the life that I want." 

I'm leaning towards being less crisp than more crisp on the how of reconciliation.  Quite frankly, I don't know what reconciliation would look like.  Some else mentioned that not having a clear reconciliation plan might trigger her "fear of abandonment" issues...but I don't think it's my job to tip toe around her "fear of abandonment" issues. 

I'm taking this time to learn how to articulate what a healthy, emotionally sound relationship looks like, feels like, sounds like so we both have a clear target.  Right now, I'm just happy to be not in "shrapnel range".

Essentially, she was asking if she should bother waiting around for me to "fix myself" or if she should take steps (new relationships) before I realized that I may not want her back and she would get rejected.  That was a far cry from my mindset, which was focused on how she was going to work to not subject me to her outbursts, affairs, suicidal threats and anger. 

Isn't that just their trying to avoid being hurt by leaving first themselves?  My BPDw says the reason why she's not leaving even though we've had painful interchanges is because she believes the vows.  I can respect her for believing in the vows, but believing doesn't auto-magically make the relationship smooth.

It's hard to laugh and hug my BPDw when she is trying to heal from trauma, and then trying to heal from the trauma caused by talking about the trauma.  And then dealing with the other dramas caused by unwise words or actions in response to other difficult situations with a brain that's overwhelmed from a swirling emotional storm.  Just watching it for almost three years, I'm kinda trauma-tose.
[/quote]

Learning to define what your BPDw means is essential.  It's very easy to feel like you've got your head back on straight, decide to "work on things" and find yourself back in the same situation as before (I have many times).

I understand "I didn't cause it.  I can't control it.  And I can't cure it".  But after that kind of detachment...what kind of intimacy is left? 

We've still got couples counselling sessions planned.  I'm okay with the one 3 weeks away, and less so the one next week.  Almost like I need more time to settle and to let her experience being responsible for herself.

[WorksNeverDone]

It sounds like you are getting your head on straight, and kudos for that!  I'm really glad to hear that you are clear on what you will support, why you will do it, and when you won't support.
I just got off of a call where my BPDw (who only moved back in about 2 months ago) is already starting to tell me how she'll whither and die without me...but restricting herself to only me is "just surviving" and not living.  Then she goes on to tell me how I only believe that her prior affairs were "wrong" because of my conservative, religious upbringing...and maybe it wouldn't hurt me so much if I knew how much she loved me during the affairs...and her lies to me during the affairs were because she didn't feel safe telling the truth (meaning that I may have told her she had to choose between me and him).  Within seconds of me ending the conversation because I had a work meeting, the texts started coming..."why haven't you pursued me...why aren't you sending me a barrage of loving texts...why am I the one reaching out to you right now?"

Not trying to make this about my situation...just trying to highlight how the boundary testing and desire to not be abandoned even after unacceptable behavior doesn't stop.  
I completely share your struggle with wondering "what kind of intimacy is left?"  I wonder that every day.  She is always looking for me to pull closer and drive more passion, but I've had to protect myself from her attacks and not getting closer is part of the self-care.

[Meridius]

is already starting to tell me how she'll whither and die without me...but restricting herself to only me is "just surviving" and not living.  Then she goes on to tell me how I only believe that her prior affairs were "wrong" because of my conservative, religious upbringing...and maybe it wouldn't hurt me so much if I knew how much she loved me during the affairs...and her lies to me during the affairs were because she didn't feel safe telling the truth

Yes, after a while I think that all behaviour is a category of drama, or excuse making, or lack of bravery that I'd want to wrap a boundary against.  My fear is whether "I can create a wall resilient enough to handle come what may."

I heard a counsellor say that "Lies are sometimes said because someone is too scared to tell the truth".  That's said to get someone to see their responsibility in the conversation with the lie, or to talk about safety in a relationship.  Okay.  I get that.

But if the person saying the lie pulls out that line as a defence of the lie, is that the same?  I'm probably blunt but to me, that's just being gutless about the kind of relationship you want.  If you want that kind of relationship with <insert your worst imaginable>, then say it.  If the relationship survives, you've got it, probably.  If not, then you know.

But if they start doing that to test you, and you put a boundary around it.  Do the tests escalate?

My BPDw seems to want the kind of relationship where she can say things like "My first husband told me that if I overdosed again, he'd leave me.  I did and he left", and have me accept that as a way of her expressing her desire that I stay with her regardless.  She told me this after she had 5 overdoses already.  And I didn't know about that ultimatum before we got married.  Huh?

That smashed trust, and she's still not entirely clear why that revelation was a bit much to take in.

(meaning that I may have told her she had to choose between me and him).  Within seconds of me ending the conversation because I had a work meeting, the texts started coming..."why haven't you pursued me...why aren't you sending me a barrage of loving texts...why am I the one reaching out to you right now?"

Not trying to make this about my situation...just trying to highlight how the boundary testing and desire to not be abandoned even after unacceptable behavior doesn't stop.  

My BPDw was calling my work often.  But not texting complaints.  I managed to get her to stop the calls.  That really helps me focus in the office.  It was the start of getting me out of "rescuer" mode.

I completely share your struggle with wondering "what kind of intimacy is left?"  I wonder that every day.  She is always looking for me to pull closer and drive more passion, but I've had to protect myself from her attacks and not getting closer is part of the self-care.

Yeah...intimacy...that's a big one.  Maybe another day.