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Author Topic: I am hopeful and not giving up.  (Read 439 times)
Bandiro

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« on: January 22, 2020, 11:21:43 AM »

Hi everyone,
I found this site during my desperate search to find out more about BPD, as I am sure my 18 YO daughter suffers from it. She has been a highly emotional child since birth, and she has exhibited BPD traits for as long as I can remember. I wish I had put her in therapy as a child, and maybe she would be in a different place today, but I just didn't know to do that. She is now in her first year of college, and she had a rough first semester. She took some pills after her boyfriend broke up with her (immediately told a friend) and ended up in the ER and a night in the psych ward. The social worker at the hospital recommended a therapist in the area, and the therapist's website said she specialized in DBT Therapy. It was in reading about DBT therapy that I discovered BPD, and I knew immediately that my daughter had it. She was seeing the therapist weekly last semester, but things still went downhill -- went from all A's at midterms to not going to any classes for over a month and almost failing out of school. She is back at school (I made her sign a contract specifying a minimum GPA and class attendance, or I would not be paying for any more college), and has agreed to start seeing the therapist again. I actually texted her therapist to tell her I'm sure my daughter has BPD, or at least BPD traits, so hopefully she will start DBT therapy if she hasn't already.
One thing that I have found in my search for info, is there are not many success stories of people that go on to live relatively normal lives after diagnosis and treatment. The statistics show that it is treatable and people get better, but it is hard to find those stories online. It is quite scary and depressing to think my daughter may not ever be able to achieve her goals and be an independent and happy member of society. But I am hopeful and not giving up.
What I worry about most with my daughter is her general demeanor of unhappiness. She has withdrawn from our family, doesn't laugh or talk or interact with me or her dad or her brother and sister. She seems happier with her friends - I at least hear her laughing when she is with them. She does have quite a few friends and has been able to maintain long term relationships with them, so that is a positive. The other thing that really worries me is her strong feelings of jealousy. She has always been very jealous of her older sister -- wants everything she has, and that carries over to her friends also (if a friend gets a new gadget or expensive piece of clothing, she immediately wants the same thing and can't let it go). I think it is because she has such a poor sense of self, so she latches onto what makes other people happy, thinking it will make her happy.
My daughter really resents me, but also relies on me. Last time she had a major episode she told me it's my fault she is the way she is (and all her therapists told her that). I tried to validate that, apologized for failing her, and asked her what it was that I did so I could change and try to do better. She had trouble coming up with anything specific but threw a few things out and I told her I would work on not doing those things. In the end, I know she was born with BPD traits, but I'm sure I could have handled things better as she was growing up and maybe she would be in a better place right now. There was never any abuse, mental or physical, and I was always present, loving, and nurturing, but I have a very logical mind, and I wasn't equipped to handle her extreme emotions. I couldn't understand how she didn't see how off the wall her behavior was during her episodes.  I can't go back and redo her childhood, but I will do whatever I can from this point forward to try to help her.
My hope for my daughter is that she can eventually live a happy, empathetic, productive life, and have loving relationships with her family and significant other (whoever that may be), and feel good about herself in the process.
Sorry for the long winded post. If anyone has any success stories, I would love to hear them.

« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 09:21:39 PM by Harri, Reason: changed title pursuant to guideline 1.5 » Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Blind1

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« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2020, 01:24:17 PM »

Welcome Bandiro!
I am new here too, but when I read your post, it's exactly what I am going thru with my 18yo daughter. It is extremely comforting to know you aren't alone, as I have found thru this site. My dd was just diagnosed last month with BPD and it explains everything. I feel like she has been this way pretty much from birth as well. I think her dad (divorced) has some of it as well and his abandoning her when she was young was probably the trigger for her. He would go months without taking her for the weekend and she just couldn't understand that. She dropped out of high school and right now is bouncing around from house to house (including mine) because she wants to move out, but knows she has no means. She can't keep a job, can't keep friends and now has to finish school too. I know it's difficult (and I still struggle with this), but you can't blame yourself. I did actually have her in therapy 2 previous times and it didn't help. I look back at all the ways I invalidated her and that didn't help, but I did the best I could at the time. I didn't know what was really going on. I too worry about her recovery. I had the same thoughts when I read some of what others were going through. I can't even imagine and I pray everyday for everyone dealing with this. In talking with the psyc dr at the ER, he did say they can out grow some of this. Years 16 & 17 tend to be the worst. In talking with her therapist today, she did think that my dd would be the type to be able to recover from this, at least to be able to function in the world. That of course gives me hope, but I still have to prepare myself for the worst. I hope this gives you some hope.

Take care of yourself!
« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 09:22:08 PM by Harri » Logged
Bandiro

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« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2020, 11:47:32 AM »

Thank you for your reply! This board is a great resource, and it is nice knowing I'm not alone.
I too am hoping that my daughter "grows out" of this with time and therapy. I have 2 older children, and they both matured a lot when they reached their early 20's. Hoping that trend continues for my youngest.
Good luck with your daughter! Hopefully these stressful times will pass, and while life may always be a little harder for our daughters, I'm praying they will be able to live happy and productive lives!
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wendydarling
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« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2020, 03:42:44 PM »

Hello Bandiro and welcome  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

You are right this board is a great resource  Way to go! (click to insert in post) I've been walking the board and resources these last four years. I hope you'll settle in, draw up a chair and work through, like we do here. My DD was diagnosed in 2015, at 26 years she hit crisis. I was scared of losing her for two years, with support she turned the corner and continues to work hard at understanding her BPD. She's on a continuous learning path. So yep, my DD is a success story and there are many members here, before us. We all have a different starting point.

You have great insight of your DD and BPD. She's happy with her friends is likely masking and jealously, struggling with her sense of self.

Hope and not giving up has been my mantra too, kindly and lovingly.

Do you accept your DD is in crisis, she struggling to deliver at college through no fault of her own?

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Bandiro

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« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2020, 06:48:58 PM »

That is an area I need to work on. My logical brain has a really hard time understanding her struggle with college - it just seems so obvious to me: get out of bed, go to class, do the homework, and take some time to study for tests. I would have an easier time accepting her struggle if it was a matter of not being capable of understanding the material. But not putting in any effort doesn't make sense to me.
My therapist talked to me about emotional mind, wise mind, and reasonable mind the other day. I have lived my life in reasonable mind and my DD has lived hers in emotional mind. I know that we both need to move towards wise mind if we want to understand each other. I also know that college might not be the best thing for her right now. I suggested she take a semester off to concentrate on therapy and getting better. But she wants to be away from home and with her friends. So I am just going to have to let her succeed or fail (but I'm going to be optimistic for success), and see where we go from there. I am learning to look at the long term picture with her, and deal with the short term setbacks as they come. And I am trying to understand the "no fault of her own" part of the equation, and that is a struggle for me.
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Bandiro

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« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2020, 06:55:53 PM »

And I am so happy to hear your daughter's success story!  It's so important we share the success stories so we can all continue to have hope.
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twocrazycats
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« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2020, 11:59:37 PM »

Welcome, Bandiro! My BPD daughter is also a college freshman. She just turned 19. I can't say she's a success story at this point. She's very much a work in progress.  But I still thought I'd chime in so that you can see that you are not at all alone.

I think it's a very positive thing that your daughter has friends and has sustained long term friendships. That's not a small thing. My daughter wasn't able to make friends in high school, partly because she finished two of the years online due  to extreme anxiety. Now, in college, she has friends. Whether they will last remains to be seen. She was afraid that they would not be her friends any more after the 5 week winter break. But she went back and said that the friend group was still together, so that's good. Her roommate from fall did move out, though, and she has a new one. I'm hoping that works out.

My daughter's emotions are extreme. When things go well, she can become almost manic. When something goes wrong, it's the end of the world. She didn't do well in a required course for her major and has to retake it, so she's been feeling worthless. Tonight I texted her and said "I hope you're feeling better about yourself and about everything, because I think you're awesome, and can do whatever you set your mind to." She texted back "thanks." She said that her friends told her that that one course does not define who she is. She said that helped. All to say, she's managing, but it has not been easy. There was one time last semester that she was so upset she was afraid she might harm herself, and I just drove up and brought her home for the night, and than she was fine.

My dd is not in therapy now, although she was for a short time. She is, however, taking a psychology course on personality. She loves psychology, and she said, "maybe I can learn some things about myself." (She took a psychology class in her senior year of high school and based on what she learned there, diagnosed herself with BPD. Her therapist at the time agreed. I had suspected it for several years.)

I do have hope that my daughter can lead a productive life. I also have hope that she can manage a relationship at a future point in time and with the right person. You mentioned empathy. I just don't know if empathy can be acquired. I have seen the look of not caring in her eyes (stone cold psychopath is the phrase that came to my mind) when I was upset and she was yelling abusively at me because she wasn't getting what she wanted, and anyone else would have shown some caring. I don't know. I would love for her to truly care about others. But I have resigned myself to the likelihood that she will never really care what's going on with me.

Success stories? I guess it depends on how you define success. My daughter is doing better than she was. She recognizes her problems (well, most of them. She thinks she has empathy.) and works on dealing with them. She has a long way to go, but she's doing okay.

2CC

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Bandiro

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« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2020, 11:31:39 AM »

Hi 2CC -
Glad to hear your doing better and recognizing and working on dealing with her issues. I think that is a big hurdle that she has cleared!
I realize asking for success stories is a bit confusing since there are so many different levels of success. I guess I should have asked for remission/recovery stories. That is my long term hope for my DD. In the meantime I will be happy with whatever short term successes come our way!
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Bandiro

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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2020, 07:13:37 PM »

Just an update -- I have seen some improvement in my daughter since my last post. She is away at school so we don't talk much - she only reaches out to me when she needs something and rarely responds when I text or call her. She did have to come home for a weekend to attend a family function, and while we didn't interact much, she did seem slightly more willing to spend time with her family (as in, she didn't spend the whole time locked in her room). Not a lot of interaction, but at least she was with us.
I had to contact her today regarding a situation that is a sore point for her and she has a lot of resentment towards me over. I needed her to do something and at first she refused to respond at all, even though I made it clear I needed it right away. Then she started calling and texting me with attacks and demands (the upsetting situation is something that she blames me for). I did not engage with her, I told her I understood she was upset, but that she didn't really have any choice about my request -it needed to be taken care of. She made a small demand in return, and I told her I would do that for her, not because I was allowing her to manipulate me, but because I knew the situation was upsetting to her, I was sorry I had to bring it back up, and if her demand would make her feel better, then I was happy to do it. A little while later I texted her again saying I was sorry I had to bring the situation up and I knew how upsetting it was to her. No response from her, but I didn't expect one.
An hour later, out of the blue, she texted me an apology for how she acted. She has NEVER done that. I don't know where it came from. The same text also reminded me that I was the cause of the upsetting situation, but I don't even care about that because she apologized, on her own, without me asking for or expecting an apology. It may be a small thing to most people, but it is huge to me, because I am choosing to see it as a sign that she wants to change. That she doesn't always want to be angry and hate. And that she is starting to understand that she has to take some responsibility for how she acts. And those things are huge! And I am also seeing it as a sign that she will respond to me validating her feelings but not engaging with her about whatever she is upset about. I am encouraged! Way to go! (click to insert in post)
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2020, 07:55:52 AM »

That apology really is a huge step forward. Celebrate the small victories. They lead to big ones.
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Blind1

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« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2020, 08:20:22 AM »

That's great Bandiro!

I was just commenting to someone yesterday that every once in a while (and it has been a while), my DD will apologize to me (out of the blue) and say how she knows how much I love her and much I'm trying to help her. I hold onto that even though it seems like we have taken 100 steps backwards. I will always cherish the one step forward.  Love it! (click to insert in post)
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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