First Post - Creating a Space for Taking a Break From uBPD Mother

[Person2]

I’m new to BPDFamily, and I’m very grateful that such a place exists! Dealing with a parent who suffers with BPD is really isolating. Although there are now many good books and sites to learn more about the disorder, finding others to discuss this with is hard. I look forward to being part of this community and supporting this site.

I’ve found going through the posts on this site to be very enriching.

Although my mother has not been officially diagnosed with BPD (though she claims to be diagnosed as Bipolar), after my doing a significant amount of reading about BPD, I feel confident that she does suffer from BPD. As those on this site are familiar with, this disorder has wrecked havoc with my childhood and with our relationship.

As I approach my 60’s, I’ve come to a point that I can no longer give anymore of myself to this relationship as it currently functions. It feels as if she’s consumed my being for these last 50 some years, and I’m looking for getting to know myself and having a little peace in my last phase of life.

After “sitting with my feelings” for some months, I carefully composed a very considered message to her, in an attempt to communicate to her what is going on for me in our current relationship, and what I need in order for it to continue.

One of my main goals in my message was to avoid any drama, accusations, venting, etc. and to that end, I feel that I succeeded. The focus was completely about the present and on how our current relationship impacts both my physical and mental health. In the message, I tell her that due to this, I must take a break from our relationship for now. I do tell her that from this point forward, she must see me as a fellow, adult women. I refuse to continue as the Golden Child, extension of her; I’m a living, breathing adult women, separate from her.

I’m sufficiently familiar enough with this disorder to know that she isn’t able to hear anything I’m saying; that she’ll filter everything I say through the “it’s all about me” filter; that’s exactly what happened (“I was never the mother you wanted”, only focusing on how my message impacted her with no validation of my legitimate feelings, etc.).

It’s been about a month, and initially it was a pretty positive experience (knowing that I was on a break of undetermined time). However, as time’s gone on it’s had it’s ups and downs, but I don’t regret what I’ve done.

The thing is, it’s such an unknown, and I’m an extremely organized, practical, and planning in advanced type of person. As she is becoming increasingly vulnerable in her old age, I foresee all of the upcoming disasters ahead (like a slow moving train wreck). It’s one of the most uncharacteristic things I’ve ever even considered doing, but at this point I’ve decided that I’m not going to get involved. I’ve regretted anytime I have, and in the long run, it’s only shielded her from the consequences of her actions. Even though I’m her preferred go to in any crisis situation, if I don’t go along with her way of handling the crisis, she just hits up the next few people in her life.

Throughout this process, I’ve been suffering with thoughts of how I’ll be viewed by the few others in her life, plus society in general. I imagine this is something that many in this group suffer through. I’ve even gone as far to write somethings down, so that I can easily see my point-of-view in case I’m caught off guard by someone making contact with me.

I consistently have the fantasy of just disappearing forever (move, change phone number), and I imagine what that would feel like (it’s one of the ways I calm myself when I feel overwhelmed). But then I remind myself that this is reactionary/giving her too much power over my life, and that if I face this head on (whatever that means), I’ll have a better life in the long run.

I really appreciate any feedback anyone in this group has on my post. I’m especially eager to communicate with others who are at a similar place as me in their relationship or have had a similar experience with pulling away.

[Harri]

Hi person2 and welcome!  I am glad you found us though sorry for what brings you here.  We do understand a lot of what you describe here and we have several members coping with similar situations with trying to determine their level of involvement with their aging parent.  You are in good company.

You have decided at this point that you do not want to get involved in her care and that is okay.  I am sure that was not an easy decision but I think it is a valid one.  What you wrote here really resonates:

It feels as if she’s consumed my being for these last 50 some years, and I’m looking for getting to know myself and having a little peace in my last phase of life.

I felt the same with my mom after I found out about BPD, realized the extent of my own dysfunction and just how much I gave up in my own life.  I had already helped my mom through her first round with cancer.  When it came back 7 years later, I took on a much more limited role in her care and focused on myself (I also had my own serious illness to deal with).  It was not an easy decision but it was the best for me and it sounds like you are making a good decision for yourself.

It’s been about a month, and initially it was a pretty positive experience (knowing that I was on a break of undetermined time). However, as time’s gone on it’s had it’s ups and downs, but I don’t regret what I’ve done.

Has your mom responded since you sent the letter?  Can you tell us more about the ups and downs you refer to?  Was the letter an effort to be heard or more an effort to say things you felt were important for you to say regardless of whether she can hear you or not.

Throughout this process, I’ve been suffering with thoughts of how I’ll be viewed by the few others in her life, plus society in general. I imagine this is something that many in this group suffer through. I’ve even gone as far to write somethings down, so that I can easily see my point-of-view in case I’m caught off guard by someone making contact with me.

Aside from society in general, who are you concerned with?  Do you have siblings or friends you are concerned about?    I used to write things down as a reminder for myself too.  I also used to pick a mantra to repeat over and over in my head to keep myself on track rather than falling back into old patterns.

I consistently have the fantasy of just disappearing forever (move, change phone number), and I imagine what that would feel like (it’s one of the ways I calm myself when I feel overwhelmed). But then I remind myself that this is reactionary/giving her too much power over my life, and that if I face this head on (whatever that means), I’ll have a better life in the long run.

I am applauding you here!  Facing this head on is, as you said, a great way to retain your power... and sometimes even to take back your power.  This may look different for different people here and that is okay. 

I am glad you took the chance and posted here.

Again,

[Methuen]

Hi Person2

Welcome to our community.  I found this forum and site about 6 months ago, and I feel it's pretty special in the support and resources it offers.  It's been super helpful for me.

Dealing with a parent who suffers with BPD is really isolating

Yes it's brutal.  Apart from my H, and 3 professionals (T, Dr, mom's case worker), nobody in my town has a clue.  It's like a big hidden secret, not because of shame, but because I try to protect her dignity and reputation.  Plus, I doubt people would believe me, and they couldn't possibly understand unless they had experience with BPD, so I would just end up looking bad.  And it wouldn't help our relationship, or the part of mom's personality that needs conflict, so I just keep it all to myself, and share here instead.   When her BPD takes over and she goes off the rails, it's a life saver to have a support group, and it's also helped me to see the new skills I need to learn, in order to begin to heal and look after myself.  My mom is 83 and frail with serious mobility issues.  I am 57.  I can relate to your story.

I consistently have the fantasy of just disappearing forever (move, change phone number)

 

This was me 6 months ago.  It's a journey to move forward, but I believe life will be fuller by doing this journey, than by not doing it.  I am happy to report that I no longer have this "fantasy" of disappearing as you put it.  So it can get better.   I believe that we are stronger with the support from each other, than if we struggle alone.

I would like to join Harri in welcoming you.

[Person2]

Thank you both for the warm welcome! It means a lot to me!

In response to the reply post by Harri:
If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear of some of the ways you were able to involve yourself less (more healthy for yourself) during your mom’s second go around with cancer (sorry to hear about both of your illnesses).

In regards to any response from my mom after sending my message, we had a few back and forth’s immediately after (in which she was defensive and did not validate my concerns about the impact our relationship has on me).

Just recently, she sent a (needing help with a credit card) message to me, that was intended for my brother and sister-in-law (with a BPD you never know if it’s a genuine mistake or not). I waited a number of days, and let her know she’d accidentally sent it to me. I also said that I’m continuing to use this break as a time to work on my developing a healthier reaction to our relationship. In her reply she says good luck on your journey (which could be taken that this is all me, which is pretty much the position I’d expect her to take, but I will make it all about me - ha! ).

The message I’d sent was definitely what was important for me to say whether she heard or not type of message. I feel like it’s the most adult action I’ve ever taken with her (letting her know I’m an adult women, separate from her), and that I can no longer continue as things are.

The up’s and down’s are just getting used to how things feel now (that I’ve made this change). I read something recently that I think applies, that it’s actually better to feel anxiety than depression. This is because “anxiety will be our companion if we risk the next stage of our journey, and depression our companion if we don’t.” I found this extremely helpful/motivating.

As far as other’s I’m concerned about, it’s the other few folks in her life (my brother/sister-in-law, her brother, and her long-term man friend). Just imagining what she’s saying about our current break and what their view is; how I imagine it would be very painful to actually discuss this with any of them.

I love your mantra idea to keep on track! Thanks! Also, I like what you said about reclaiming my power. I think that’s all part of what’s currently going on for me.

In response to the reply post by Methuen:
It’s so great to communicate with someone that understands, what it’s like to not be able to directly communicate with the person you have an issue with (in order to improve the relationship). I find this one of the hardest aspects of this situation.

If you don’t mind my asking, how are you dealing with your mom’s frail condition (the issues that arise from that)?

The way that my mom deals with her issues makes it impossible for them to be effectively addressed.

One example is that she talks about falling yet is completely unwilling to consider moving from her second story apartment, which requires her to climb many cement steps to access her apartment (plus, she’s frail and struggles bringing groceries upstairs). I totally understand that as folks age, they will require some assistance; but each of us must do what we can for ourselves first.

She’s very stubborn and unwilling to accept her reality (such as she can’t afford where she lives, does nothing about it, and the situation will most likely result in someone coming to her rescue).

Additionally, my husband and I went through an episode with her a couple of years ago, in which she was hospitalized for a mysterious illness. Due to her acting out with the hospital staff, she left the hospital without being released. What followed was a complete fiasco, in which she manipulated the heck out of us, to achieve her ends. I learned A LOT from that experience (though, throughout time, she’s caught me off guard with other types of dramatic episodes, in which I unwittingly became a pawn). 

Whatever age related health issues arise, I have no intention of being manipulated that way again. In supporting her, it feels like to me, there’s only 1-mode, being manipulated (which does not require her taking any self-responsibility); an option that respects my values, and that contributes to actually helping her, doesn’t seem possible.

Also, I feel because of the relationship that we have, I’m actually the least suited and effective (that someone else, who has some distance and less baggage with her, would be best - for her and less impactful on them).

Do you have experience with this?

[Methuen]

If you don’t mind my asking, how are you dealing with your mom’s frail condition (the issues that arise from that)?

Sure Person2.  How I am dealing with it is a long story, so here is a summary.  I think I have mentioned how frail my mom is.  She's 83, and has additional serious medical issues pages long, in addition to the BPD.  My mom went into a dysregulation last summer.  It lasted most of the summer, so that was a traumatic time for me.  Then in September, she fell under her plum tree on the grass.  At first it seemed like she didn't injure herself, but two weeks after the fall, her symptoms got worse.  She required a lot of care on my part.  After repeated trips to hospital emergency and a trip in the ambulance, a CAT scan showed 4 fractures in her pelvis and sacrum.  At that point, I put my life on hold for 4 weeks, and just cared for her daily, doing everything I could in a loving way, and doing the very best I could for my mom.  After about a month of that I was driving her to a Dr appt one morning, when she just exploded on me how all her pain was my fault.  I can't recreate those minutes in the car that she was raging at me.  It was vitriolic hate.   I couldn't leave the situation because I was behind the wheel of the car.  I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I honestly felt I had done everything I could for my  mother and more, and done it with kindness, and her rage at me made me face the fact that my mother was not who I had always deluded myself into believing she was.  In those moments she was a monster, and then all the memories of the past came flooding back afterwards.  After that I got really sick mentally, because I could no longer deny how mean and cruel she could be, and I was terrified of her.  It wasn't just the rage in the car, but an accumulation of memories over a lifetime.  That was when I finally accepted my mom's illness, found myself a new counsellor, and decided I needed to work on me.  I also went to my family Dr, and he wrote a referral for community support services so that I wouldn't have to do all the work caring for her any more.  He also told me she was never going to change, and that I could only change myself.  So since then I have been changing me by reading Randi Kreger, going to T, doing CBT for myself, spending time on this forum and studying the resources on this site, and putting it all into practice with my mom.  I am lower contact, let her make all her own decisions (including bad ones), I use SET, validating questions, boundaries, and am detaching emotionally.  It's a process.  I am a part-time retiree, so that has given me more time to work on "me".  It wasn't really a choice anymore.  Mom was destroying me, so I had to do something.  She wasn't always that terrible.  She got much worse (from my perspective) after my dad passed away 14 years ago, and I became the next of kin for her to rage on.  She also got worse with every year of aging.  Most of her frailness is a symptom of her own terrible decisions in life, as well as her BPD.  She had a lifelong eating disorder and developed osteoporosis which led to two hip surgeries, one knee surgery, and spinal surgery.  She refuses to do physio.  After her most recent fall under the plum tree (she's had falls her whole life), and after I spoke to her family Dr and he got home care in to help me (I was falling apart), she was given a RAI assessment, and qualified for assisted living.  She refused the assisted living.  So after putting my life on hold for a month to help her, and being abused for it, and then her refusing assisted living, I came to realize that if she wanted to stay in her home, she was going to have to be able to do it independently of me, because I had enough of the abuse.  That's when I started using the strategies I mentioned earlier.  Lo and behold, she has since found ways to manage on her own, and I don't rescue her anymore.  I am rescuing me instead.  

So to answer your question, how do I manage my mom's frail condition (and issues that arise from it), I guess I finally hit my bottom after her last fall, and because I got home care involved to help her after her raging at me, and she didn't like home care people coming into her home (loss of control), I assume she now has it figured out that if she can't manage on her own, I might get home care involved again.  And there's that RAI assessment result that says she qualifies for assisted living.  So my guess is she feels somewhat threatened by that, and she's just been on better behavior, which is easier for her to do since I now use BPD friendly strategies to communicate with her, and I keep boundaries.

Uge.  It really sucks to talk about it, but I don't mind if it helps someone else feel not so alone.  There's so much more than I've written here Person2.  But what I can say I have learned, is that you can't help a BPD, and the ugly negative resentful feelings we have about our BPD parent aren't going to resolve until we fully accept their BPD (and what it has meant for us), and we fully stop wishing or wanting them to change.  They're not going to.  Just accept her for how she is instead.  Change ourselves instead.  Change our behavior and our attitude towards it. That's it.  I have a cousin who went completely NC with her mother (my mother's sister) and has been that way for over 8 years.  She has a sibling who took their mother into her home.  I didn't have the luxury of a sibling (I'm an only), so it's all on me.  I am just doing what I need to do to survive a BPD mom.

We all find our own path.  You will find yours too.  Being here in this community really helps.

The way that my mom deals with her issues makes it impossible for them to be effectively addressed.

Yep.  And she needs to live with the consequences, not you.

One example is that she talks about falling yet is completely unwilling to consider moving from her second story apartment, which requires her to climb many cement steps to access her apartment (plus, she’s frail and struggles bringing groceries upstairs).

Yep.  And she needs to live with the consequences.  Don't try to pursuade, or justify, argue, defend or explain the reasons why she should move to a place that doesn't have stairs.  JADEing makes it worse for you.  Better to use SET and ask validating questions.  When your brain is screaming at your to JADE at something she says to you, just resist the temptation and stay quiet.  She MUST figure it out on her own, or suffer the fall on her cement stairs.  A recent email with an elderly services consultant regarding my mom, affirmed that sometimes our BPD parent makes decisions that even the health care professionals disagree with, but ultimately we need to give them the autonomy to make those bad decisions.  They are adults and entitled to make their own decisions.  Some would call it tough love, but it's necessary.

Whatever age related health issues arise, I have no intention of being manipulated that way again.

Good for you.  Hold your boundaries, and look after YOU.

I feel because of the relationship that we have, I’m actually the least suited and effective (that someone else, who has some distance and less baggage with her, would be best - for her and less impactful on them).

Do you have experience with this?

 

I agree with you that we are not suited to care for our mom's.  The way I put it to the elderly services consultant, is that I tried to care for my mom's medical needs in the weeks after her fall, and discovered I could not meet her medical needs.  I have been told that home care will be available the next time it happens.  I have to believe they will make it happen.  You can borrow that phrase if it helps you (not able to care for mom's medical complex medical needs).  I think it's more likely to bring results than saying we are "not suited".  

Since my mom's recovery from her fall, and since I have begun using the BPD friendly strategies, I am no longer living in fear of her.  Both my H and my T say I am in a better place to manage her next rage.  I am now mentally healthier, and we actually have decent telephone conversations.  But I am always on guard, and ALWAYS thinking about a BPD friendly response to something she says ALL the time.  The good news, is that so far it's helping us both.

Whatever happens in your journey with your mom Person2, we are here for you.  You are not alone.

 

[Person2]

Thank you SO much for your reply to my question. Wow! You’ve really had to deal with a lot. There are so many aspects of your situation I can relate to. I really appreciate that it’s hard to share this information, as it brings up bad feelings. It means a lot to me that you shared your experience. I really feel by sharing your experience, you are helping me and others who are struggling with a similar situation. There’s so much that I find helpful in your reply.

I feel that even after a few days on this site, I have more of a foundation. It’s easing some of my anxiety to know that I have access to resources to help me with what the future brings my way, and I’m committed to working on developing myself to improve my quality of life.

[Harri]

Hi Person2!

If you don’t mind, I’d love to hear of some of the ways you were able to involve yourself less (more healthy for yourself) during your mom’s second go around with cancer (sorry to hear about both of your illnesses).

What gave me the ability to change was that I had changed drastically from her first round with cancer to the re-occurrence.  First round, I was still enmeshed with her badly and I was still living in the family home.  My father and brother were uninvolved and useless with medical stuff and relied on me to handle the research, scheduling, etc.  I ate it up and took it on as my role.  They also could not handle the demands emotionally and were in denial as to the seriousness of her condition.  I had no sense of self preservation and was often dissociating as the care involved some intimate help that really should have been taken care of my either my father or a caretaker, not the daughter she sexually abused for decades and was still doing so to an extent.  I was also working full time though took lots of time off... while my father and brother missed almost no work.  I mention that just to point out the contrast with round 2 with her cancer.

Round 2 was 7 years later and in that time I had moved out, learned to differentiate (a lot but still struggled) and had my own life including a boyfriend (which had it's own set of problems).  So I had more physical distance in addition to emotional distance along with some pretty intense therapy off and on in those 7 years.

Some advantages that I had that some of the people here do not have is that my mom was healthy otherwise and did not have multiple issues.  She was also a young 72 year old and could be quite active, she was sharp cognitively and quite stubborn in that once she heard one of her doctors tell me he was concerned about me because I had my hands full, she was determined to 'prove us wrong'.  sheer spite worked to my advantage there.   

We had our struggles of course and I mostly had to focus on boundaries.  At the time I did not know about the other tools we talk about here but used some of them without really knowing what they were.  Allowing her to be in control of her own treatment, to not step over into her territory and try to rescue and fix (aka control) her.  Radical acceptance was something I knew about and practiced but was not good at yet.  It still helped as did mindfulness.   The other stuff that helped has been covered quite well by Methuen.   I also had to give up worrying about how others would perceive me and my choices including my brother and father.  Lots of battles there.  It took staying firm, hard boundaries (which I would do differently now) and letting go of 'shoulds'.

One thing that also made a big difference is that my mom had what I now believe was (thanks to my last therapist) paranoid schizophrenia.  It was confusing and i did not know until about two years ago (after she passed) but there was a barrier there to how much more her bizarreness could effect me once I started in recovery after I moved out.

In regards to any response from my mom after sending my message, we had a few back and forth’s immediately after (in which she was defensive and did not validate my concerns about the impact our relationship has on me).

I would not expect her to.   

In her reply she says good luck on your journey (which could be taken that this is all me, which is pretty much the position I’d expect her to take, but I will make it all about me - ha!).

I like your take on this.  I would choose to take it the way you are as well.  She may have been sincere or not.  I don't think it matters, not in terms of you needing to change how you are responding to it or handling this situation.

The message I’d sent was definitely what was important for me to say whether she heard or not type of message. I feel like it’s the most adult action I’ve ever taken with her (letting her know I’m an adult women, separate from her), and that I can no longer continue as things are.

Good.  Getting that stuff out is important.  Sometimes just writing the letter is beneficial and it is best not to send but some have found it important in their recovery to do so. 

The up’s and down’s are just getting used to how things feel now (that I’ve made this change). I read something recently that I think applies, that it’s actually better to feel anxiety than depression. This is because “anxiety will be our companion if we risk the next stage of our journey, and depression our companion if we don’t.” I found this extremely helpful/motivating.

Excellent quote! 

As far as other’s I’m concerned about, it’s the other few folks in her life (my brother/sister-in-law, her brother, and her long-term man friend). Just imagining what she’s saying about our current break and what their view is; how I imagine it would be very painful to actually discuss this with any of them.

I can relate.  It was a struggle for me to let go of this with my mom and sometimes when I think back it hurts as I know some of the stuff was believed (thinking of my brother here specifically).  There is no need to discuss your choices with your family members if you don't want to and I usually think it is better not to.  My biggest struggle was learning to be okay in my own choices and to trust my perceptions and perspectives over those of others.  That includes allowing them to have their own opinions, even about me.  haha I used to say "It's okay, they can be wrong about me" and that would make me laugh and help me focus on my own path and recovery.

Good to have you here!

[Person2]

Thanks for sharing your experience! I really appreciate your doing so. It’s so impressive how much you grew and learned after your first go around.

I finally figured out how to do the Quote Box using my iPad - yeah!

she was determined to 'prove us wrong'.  sheer spite worked to my advantage there.

I can so relate! I’ve seen this played out so often with my mom - from waif to super hero in a flash 

I too have found mindfulness to be a great discovery during this time. Also, weirdly, after 30 some years, I’m off of antidepressants, and combined with the mindfulness and an early retirement, I can actually feel how I feel (I wasn’t aware of how desensitized I was). This really motivated me to try and address my issues with my mom.

Allowing her to be in control of her own treatment, to not step over into her territory and try to rescue and fix (aka control) her.

Love it!

Regarding your comment about “how others would perceive you”

It took staying firm, hard boundaries (which I would do differently now) and letting go of 'shoulds'.

I can totally relate how tricky the boundaries thing is. Normally I feel that a gut feeling is a great way to gauge what to do, but in these cases, if a person has a lot of self-work to do (plus wasn’t raised with healthy examples of boundaries), the gut method feels out of wack (we need time to develop this).

Your dealing with her paranoid schizophrenia on top of her BPD must have really been destabilizing.

My biggest struggle was learning to be okay in my own choices and to trust my perceptions and perspectives over those of others.  That includes allowing them to have their own opinions, even about me.  haha I used to say "It's okay, they can be wrong about me" and that would make me laugh and help me focus on my own path and recovery.

This is so helpful! One other thing I consider is, they must also be struggling on some level to deal with their relationships with the BPD (be it consciously or unconsciously).

My copy of The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder arrives soon. I’ve read a number of books on BPD but not this one. I look forward to developing healthier strategies and skills, and I expect this book to be a good one for that purpose.

Thanks again for your sharing and warmth!

[Harri]

I can totally relate how tricky the boundaries thing is. Normally I feel that a gut feeling is a great way to gauge what to do, but in these cases, if a person has a lot of self-work to do (plus wasn’t raised with healthy examples of boundaries), the gut method feels out of wack (we need time to develop this).

Yes!  Over time, I have learned which voice to listen to (what I consider my gut telling me to do) because when I first started my gut told me things that were not reliable or necessarily accurate and my responses were out of whack and more reactionary and made things worse (often).  The voice I listen to now is the quiet, calm voice I hear.  That requires being able to center myself and be in Wise Mind.   Those things happened after a lot of healing and trying to reprogram my initial reactions to a lot of behaviors from other people, understanding that my perceptions were off given the mental and emotional filters I developed.  Some of those filters are quite helpful but some were not. 

Anyway, to borrow a phrase from a friend, I am waffling there. 

One other thing I consider is, they must also be struggling on some level to deal with their relationships with the BPD (be it consciously or unconsciously).

I agree.  This is a very good insight and way to look at these people in our lives who seem to go along to get along and are in denial or enablers, etc.  None of those positions are easy and all of them come at a cost.  What helped me when dealing with my dad and brother who were angry with me for breaking away from the family and my mother was to remind myself that not that long ago I was as enmeshed as they were and that I too made choices and acted in ways that were not helpful for anyone. 

I put that under the idea of radical acceptance.  Acceptance that my brother and father get to have their own relationship with my mother and they get to work through their own emotions and have their own epiphanies on their own time without me feeling like they are betraying me for simply not clueing in on my timeline.  Acceptance.  Taking care of our own side of the street for not just our pwBPD but for everyone.

The Eggshells book is a good one.  After you finish that one there are others that might be better reads depending on your goals.

[Seenowayout]

Hi  Person 2,

I am going through a similar situation -- I'm in my 50's, my mom's in her 70s and I'm done with her and her toxic way.

I've been on this BPD journey for three years nowly.  I never heard of it until I had an affair with a woman with BPD traits.  Ugly story.  I only tell you that because I want to establish with you that I've been on this journey for a while.  Here are a few things I learned so far --

1) Your mom will simply never see your point of view.  There is no point in trying to get her to see what you're feeling. 
2)  The pain goes away
3)  All these demons from the past will become clearer and you  will feel incredibly free once you  call them  out, but also incredibly sad.

Don't know if that helps, but you're not alone and this has been a wonderful place for healing.

[Person2]

Thanks for your post Seenowayout! Great to hear you’re 3 years into this process!

Your mom will simply never see your point of view.  There is no point in trying to get her to see what you're feeling.

Yes, I’m aware of this. I’m very thankful that I’d already gotten to the place of realizing this, and that I won’t be expending any of my energy on expecting her to understand (though it is so foreign and alienating to not be able to have this type of communication to connect with a key figure in my life). Not having this expectation really eliminates my getting pointlessly frustrated and angry at her (allowing me to stay more centered).

The pain goes away

Love hearing this! Even the short amount of time I’ve spent on this site (experiencing support and learning of others experiences) has markedly improved how I feel.

All these demons from the past will become clearer and you  will feel incredibly free once you  call them  out, but also incredibly sad.

I get what you’re saying here. Some of this has been just naturally happening as I age, but I’m aware that there’s much more to uncover and process - and I’m already convinced that it’s worth it. I’ve only just recently proved to myself that it’s okay to feel sad, to sit with it (allow it) and it will pass (to not look for a way to avoid feeling it instead).

Just curious, what’s your current relationship like with your mother (after these 3-years)?

[Seenowayout]

Hi Person 2!

Isn't it so amazing just to know you're not alone?  I love this board.

My journey of discovery began three years ago, when a romantic relationship with a BPD woman ended.  The relationship started just a year and a half before that, and as it progressed my life turned into a crazy roller coaster ride of manic ups and downs, fleeing and returning, black and white thinking, crazy accusations.  DRAMA  I started to do some reading, and whoa -- you couldn't find anyone who exhibited more BPD traits than my gf.  The relationship and its aftermath caused a lot of pain to me, her, my family -- many people.

But once it was over I had room to heal.  And during the healing it became clear to me that this woman was actually the mirror image of my mother!  And I think I went into the relationship subconsiously trying to fix something.  All the rages, mood swings, fear of abandonment, black and white thinking, martyrdom, irrational demands, conditional love -- I lived with that my whole life.  And my family just dismissed it -- "oh that's just how mom is"  And i just loved her anyway, unconditionally, silly mom.

Six weeks ago my mom raged at me because I made other plans for Christmas eve.  She was screaming at me over the phone like I was 8 years old.  While I was at work.  And I snapped, and I said you've ruined every holiday i can remember, and I hung up.  And it's true. She has.  The drama,  I could write a book.  And she hasn't spoke to me since.

What mother would discard their child, no matter what was said?  I couldn't.  She wanted to see me so bad that night that now she won't see me any night for the rest of her life.  Makes sense right?  Nothing ever makes sense.

My role was always to be the rock, manipulated by guilt, be the big man, blessed be the peace makers, rise above it!  Silly mom, its not her fault.

But I can't anymore.  She can't even see how much damage she's caused.

And so that's the relationship with my mother.  

I feel incredibly free!  But a little sad.

[Person2]

Hi seenowayout,

Yes - it does feel great to know I’m not alone.

Sorry to hear about your high drama relationship (I HATE DRAMA SO MUCH). It sounds like at least you got some positive things from it (it helping you get on your path).

And during the healing it became clear to me that this woman was actually the mirror image of my mother!

So traumatic!

And I think I went into the relationship subconsiously trying to fix something

I can totally relate (as I too have found myself doing similar things). The pull of the familiar is so strong. As far as relationships, I used to go for unavailable guys like my dad.

And i just loved her anyway, unconditionally, silly mom.

In just the short amount of time I’ve spent on this site, I’m struck by how BPD’s tend to have such kind children - these parents (if they had the capacity) should feel so incredibly thankful!

She was screaming at me over the phone like I was 8 years old

So inappropriate! I hate Christmas (as well as most of the other holidays) because of my mother as well. I’m sure we are the same, in that your saying to her how you honestly feel is a rare occurrence.

The few times in my life that I’ve been pushed to the limit that I’ve actually done that with my mom had left me completely devastated. There’s a side to her that I try to avoid at all costs (which she’s exposed during those times). I feel like I’m somewhat of a young spirit, and there are evil things in life that I really don’t have the ability to understand.

Even though she hasn’t made contact since you hung up, I think there’s a good chance that she will eventually (my experience is that they need us a lot more than we need them).

I feel incredibly free!  But a little sad.

Makes sense. One day at a time, right? This last year I spent a lot of time just allowing myself to feel sad, but not letting myself be overwhelmed by it. Once you let it be felt, pay it some attention and respect, it does pass and you can move on.