Estranged Sister w/ BPD Traits

[EDGP]

Hi,

I am new here. My sister and I have been close our entire lives, but she has always raged at me (and other nuclear family members) unpredictably and often on family vacations and at other times that are supposed to be great moments. She has  married someone who reinforces her emotionally abusive ways and her husband has engaged in verbal confrontation with several family members to my dismay. Even though it has not been easy, I could not imagine cutting her off. But, two months ago she cut me off because she said I am toxic and this step is what she has to do for her marriage. She did all of this in person and even brought her son and told me to say goodbye to my nephew. I am pregnant and she told me she won't be a part of her niece's life, much less mine. Despite cutting me off, she has communicated with me to berate and devalue me as a sister, wife and daughter. She tells me that family members and friends have confided in her about hating me, that she feels bad for my husband that he married me and has to suffer...the list is long and none of it really ever makes sense. She also recounts memories twisting the facts to victimize herself. Other people who are part of those memories tell her it didn't happen that way, but then she says that I am manipulating the whole family so I have asked family to stop correcting her. My parents and husband are immensely supportive of me. My parents continue to speak to her and they are dealing with their own pain because she berates them as well; however, they won't abandon her.

It has been devastating and my pregnancy with my first child is supposed to be joyous, but now it is tainted. How do I move on? It's difficult because my parents speak to her daily and share with me when she berates them, so I have to try to uplift them when it brings me more sorrow to hear that she is treating them this way. They also share some of the hateful things she continues to say about me (e.g. not to mention my name to her ever again). They don't mean to hurt me by sharing, it just comes out sometimes and I don't want to pile more blame on them. Thoughts? Have you dealt with something similar?

[Turkish]

two months ago she cut me off because she said I am toxic and this step is what she has to do for her marriage. She did all of this in person and even brought her son and told me to say goodbye to my nephew. I am pregnant and she told me she won't be a part of her niece's life, much less mine

That is very sad, and I can't imagine how painful that must have been. That was cruel, even more so to your nephew, a child who doesn't know any better.

Even the best of pregnancies can be stressful, and you need to focus on you which is focusing on your baby. How long have you been cast in this role to comfort your parents over their other daughter's drama?

[SepiaScarf]

It has been devastating and my pregnancy with my first child is supposed to be joyous, but now it is tainted. How do I move on? It's difficult because my parents speak to her daily and share with me when she berates them, so I have to try to uplift them when it brings me more sorrow to hear that she is treating them this way. They also share some of the hateful things she continues to say about me (e.g. not to mention my name to her ever again). They don't mean to hurt me by sharing, it just comes out sometimes and I don't want to pile more blame on them. Thoughts? Have you dealt with something similar?

This was happening to me a lot where my FOO was always telling me about my pwBPD. My therapist suggested i not allow this anymore and set up a boundary. It's hard when you feel obligated to the non-BPDs in your life but it is important. It has really helped me. It has helped stopped the associated drama right in its tracks. Unfortunately sharing what your pwBPD is doing and has said only perpetuates the hurt feelings and drama.

Congratulation on the baby
SS

[Lost4Words]

Hi EDGP, some of what you wrote could have been written by my non-BPD daughter about her sister (undiagnosed, but seems very likely to be have BPD). She too is pregnant, and has cut off all communication with her sister because of the cruel things which have been said to her, but even so she is finding it stressful.
She has asked me not to talk to her about her sister, so I do not bring up the topic. There are still times when she wants to talk about her, I guess to help process her thoughts (it is hard coming to terms with what seems to be the end of the relationship between the two sisters), but it is up to her to start the conversation. Could you suggest the same thing to your parents? Then, if they understand and agree not to mention your sister to you, you could mention her from time to time yourself: that way you could be supportive when you feel able to be.
I know that as a parent it is very tempting to vent to the child who is sympathetic and understanding, about the one who isn't: so I've had to stop myself doing so.

[EDGP]

@Turkish I’ve always commiserated with my parents over my sister’s behavior because we all tend to suffer at the same time. She might be attacking only one of us (most recently me), but she tells my mom e.g. that if she was a better mother she would speak to me about how unapologetic I am for ruining her life. Then she further berates my mom for loving me more. The obvious truth is Our  mom loves us both equally, but my mom and I are able to enjoy each other’s company more because I’m emotionally stable.

@sepiascarf @lost4words I think I can probably do a better job of telling my parents that I’m feeling overwhelmed by the sharing. I just don’t want to come across as hateful since I also have told them many times that the door is always open if my sister wisens up. It will never be the same though. This time she involves her son and my child who is in the way. They are both babies and I don’t want the pain to be generational so any future relationship I have with my sister will be cordial enough to facilitate the cousins having a relationship and nothing more.

[Methuen]

Hi EDGP

What you described in the first paragraph of your post sounds like projection.

Try this link, and see if it fits:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

Also, I'm wondering if your sister could be triangulating.  Try the link below to see if it could apply.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

One key for me has been to learn new BPD friendly strategies in order for me to navigate the relationship with my mom.  So far it is helping.

Congratulations on the pregnancy  , and make your well-being a priority!

Also, welcome to our forum!

[EDGP]

Thank you very much all. It's been a challenging week because my sister decided to exclude me from my one-year-old nephew's birthday party. She reiterated that she she and her husband require a "conversation." What does that even mean? I have had a few sit downs with them and it's always the same. They enumerate 10 things they hate about me (always a different 10 things), demand an apology (which I decline) and then remind me that because I am unwilling to be accountable for my "toxicity" they cannot have a relationship with me. When things like being snubbed for my nephew's birthday party happen, I think maybe I should just say sorry even though it is not sincere. But, I have apologized and groveled for her A LOT in the past and it is NEVER enough. Mind  you, she has NEVER apologized to me. In fact, I asked her if she could concede we both have hurt each other and leave it at that; however, she says her hands are clean. Then she added that I should not disrespect an older sister with requests for an apology. It is so painful because I feel like I don't know her. And I am also worried about her spouse backing her on all of these demands - seems unhealthy that he would encourage a rift. My husband reached out to her husband man to man and it was fruitless. My BIL told my husband that he should make me fall in line basically. Too much has been said at this point and the replay in my mind is not good for me.

I am finishing up Walking on Eggshells and will read the suggested links. You guys have uplifted me already just knowing that you are here. I hope I can return the favor and also pay it forward.

[Turkish]

My husband reached out to her husband man to man and it was fruitless. My BIL told my husband that he should make me fall in line basically.

So basically BIL expects you to be the Harriet to his Harvey Milquetoast routine.

[HardTruth]

It's been a challenging week because my sister decided to exclude me from my one-year-old nephew's birthday party. She reiterated that she she and her husband require a "conversation." What does that even mean? I have had a few sit downs with them and it's always the same. They enumerate 10 things they hate about me (always a different 10 things), demand an apology (which I decline) and then remind me that because I am unwilling to be accountable for my "toxicity" they cannot have a relationship with me.

OMG, this sounds just like my sister.  My sister's been mean and moody since we were young, at least Jr High, if not earlier.  We all know this and just chalk it up to "that's the way she is", but in the last year or so, it's gotten a lot worse.  Her first husband kept her in check, how much so I didn't realize until she got together with her second husband.  He jumps in on the abuse.  After being a big part of my nieces' lives for their first 12 years, my sister has suddenly cut me off because I won't give or her and her husband money or my free time, which they feel entitled to.  They have all their reasons, which are very logical to them, but don't hold water with any rational person.  My mom continues to allow it, and pretends not to notice anything's wrong, because she doesn't want to be in the line of fire.  So, it's a whole family dynamic.

My sister has always been able to ultimately get her way, because she can hold out longer than anyone else. I broke down and apologized to her for the last rant, when she took my nieces away.  But that only buoyed her up...she asked for more apologies, and then for me to prove to her that I was a good sister.  She said that her and her husband would evaluate "my behavior" and if "my behavior" stayed good enough and was acceptable to them, then perhaps I could see the nieces. 

I realized it was a losing battle after that.  Either lose the nieces or lose myself to constant, unrelenting abuse and demands.

At some point, if you're the only one setting boundaries, then you will be the one mowed down.  With other people standing on the sidelines, trying to be "supportive" or "understanding" of the BPD, it just gives the BPD permission and validation that they're OK, and you're the one that's bad. 

I wonder why your parents continue to tolerate her abusive behavior to them, and talk to her every day?  And then pass the abuse on to you, as if they don't notice how hurtful it is to tell someone mean and horrible things that someone else told you about them?  My mom says it's because she doesn't want to lose my sister's love.  Or else she denies any abuse happening.  Or says how wonderful they are because they happened to take her out to dinner and take her to the doctor.  I guess in her case, that's the compromise; you can abuse the family because I need you.  Although even before she needed them, she couldn't say no or set boundaries... 

I'm really sorry for what you're going through.  It's so horrible when it starts to effect the kids.  But there's nothing you can do to stop their abusive behavior, sometimes.  It's a train that's set in motion and has to run it's own course. At least that what it seems like to me sometimes.  It doesn't make it less painful knowing this.  It makes it depressing .  I hope that in your case it turns around sometime soon.