Breaking down... I can’t do this anymore... PLEASE HELP

[blacksymphony]

Hi everyone, I’m new here.
I really need help and wanted to share my story.

I met my husband 3 years ago. We were both 25 years old. We met in Instagram as we both had huge follower count. I was from USA him Europe. We immediately fell in love and got close to each other. He started to tell me stories how his family abused him and treated him bad and I felt so bad for him. I loved him and it seemed like his family was giving him no chance to succeed in life. He was constantly getting in physical fights with them which he explained to me as fights that they started. I felt terrible for the guy and fell more and more in love with him and wanted to help him. After being in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years we decided to take it the next step. We applied for his citizenship and are still in the process of that but now he lives here with me. We have an apartment together.

I will keep this short even though there is so much to say. He is not diagnosed with BPD but he refuses any treatment. I will post his symptoms below and I’m sure you guys will agree that this is what he has. When I bring up that his behavior is a form of “anxiety” from the past (trying to slowly bring him to realize the truth) he RAGES and tells me I’m trying to get him to think he is mad and that I have intentions to put him in a mental institution.

We fight almost every 3 days and I am never the one starting the fights. Sometimes I could sigh because I’m tired and this is enough for him to RAGE and come up with something like “you are sad because you don’t want to be with me anymore”. Or I could step in his toe by accident and that will also start a fight. I didn’t know what was wrong with him so I looked online and I truly believe it is BPD.

SYMPTOMS:

Abusive- he has physically hit me before during a rage. A year ago my body would never not have a bruise in it but now this has gotten a lot better. I don’t have bruises anymore but do get hit from him sometimes or pushed or aggressively handled. This is the only improvement I see. One time it was public in a pharmacy and a local shopper called the police and he accused me of calling the police. I hadn’t in fact I told them I was fine and I didn’t need help (they stood around and watched for a bit)

Controlling- he is super controlling. Wants to read all my texts and messages and know what I’m doing at all times. He has even called me on cam to make sure I wasn’t somewhere else. I am unable to use my Instagram anymore as too many boys follow me (over 10k followers) but he can use his Facebook where his friends list is maxed with women. Also I’m not allowed to speak with my family because they “hate” him after he had an episode with them. I have to pick them or him. My family obviously isn’t understanding of his condition and say he’s manipulating me.

Jealousy- he asks me constantly who I’m speaking too and reads all my texts and I have reason to believe he goes through my messages when I leave my phone unattended. Asks me often to show him my phone and goes through my stuff to make sure I’m not speaking to someone else. This hurts. He accuses me that something is going on at work and that if I cheat on him with someone there. If I’m late from work due to a hold up this causes a fight. He always asks me “tell me the truth what you are doing at work”. This really **** hurts because I have never cheated on him.

Self harm- he plays video games and if he loses he punches himself and threatens suicide. I have to calm him down or things can get really bad. If he feels bad with an accomplishment on himself he gets physical with himself.

Doesn’t take care of himself- he is very depressed most of the time. No matter how much I try to chear him up I can’t. He doesn’t work and isn’t able to hold a job with his actions. He stays home all day even though I tell him to go out and accuses me of being controlling and keeping him home. I tell him to get a job and go out with friends as he pleases, he has stopped doing both. He doesn’t exercise as he used to and blames my negative energy for it. He doesn’t eat all day or cook for himself or clean for himself and when I get home at 6pm from work it’s my fault that the house isn’t clean or he will complain how he doesn’t feel good because he hasn’t eaten all day and get upset at me if I don’t get up to cook for him.

These are just a few of the things that I can think of. I have lost 3 jobs because of him to date. I have had to leave work due to his aggressive behavior to go home and calm him down so he doesn’t self harm. Losing my work got him even worse. He blames my employer. So now when I lost my third job I just took out loans to cover my pay and pretend that everything is fine at work... I don’t know what else to do as he is in a bad spot. I love him dearly but I am exhausted and I have my own medical conditions that I am very weak. He loves me too but lately the fights are more frequent. He packs his luggage almost every 2 weeks and says he’s leaving me which I have to beg him not to because he literally has no where to go. He says he’s unhappy with me and that I drain his energy. These are the same things he was telling me about his family now he accuses me of being exactly like them... I am drained out of my mind and energy I honestly can’t take it anymore. I want to keep the relations ship but at this rate I feel I will fall Ill and die. I was in the hospital just last week for a hypoglycemic attack because I have gotten extremely underweight due to this stress. I am now 92 lbs at 5’3. He accuses me of being a bad person and says a lot of terrible things which he ends up apologizing for. He says he doesn’t love me anymore then says he didn’t mean it. He says I’m venomous and want him dead then in the next moment I’m the best girl he’s met and so unlike the others. I have had a bad and controlling life with my family prior to this so I have been on benzodiazepines for almost 5 years now due to panic attacks, I moved out thinking I could heal myself and got myself in a worse situation... please help... I love him and I know I need to be with him... no one else will accept his behavior and I know this is just his illness and I’m so afraid that if I break things off (even though I can’t imagine life without him that’s how much I love this man) he will do something to hurt himself and I could never live with myself... I have given up all my hobbies and life for him. Family and friends (even girls he says they are bad influence on me) he forbids me to talk with so I don’t even
Have a shoulder to cry on... I am losing my mind and have fallen in severe depression, but if I act sad around him he fights with me. I’m supposed to always be smiling when in fact I feel my life is over

edit: I told him yesterday he "treats me like trash" because I had had enough emotionally and didn't control myself and now he holds this over my head. I try to remind him all the bad stuff he told me in his anger and that he never meant those either just to justify what I said even though it is the truth...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[blacksymphony]

A few additional things.

He is very self un-aware and doesn't hold accountability. He says everything is my fault. He apologizes for saying hurtful things but still in his mind believes that it was my terrible actions that made him say it. He believe that I bring him down and he is doing so bad because I'm a bad person. I am unable to bring up the word "therapy" without another rage. At this point I have heard anything and everything bad about myself coming from him. He says things that hurt so bad but don't effect me anymore. He does things that we both agreed aren't accepted in our relationship yet he promises he won't do it again but always does. It hurts so bad. He doesn't respect the boundaries we set yet if a male says "hi" to me he asks me if I've been with them behind his back... He will also believe silly things like "vaccinations in the USA have tracking chip technology" and threw a fit when immigration had him make them. He threatened to leave me because I want to "make him a part of this system and he refuses that and hates the US" which when he was living in EU he told me the same about it and how he hated it there.

He tells me that he wan'ts to be happy with me but that I don't want that and that it's up to me to make the relationship work because right now he is the only one putting effort. When I tell him that I love him he asks me to prove myself and when I ask him how he says "you shouldn't have to ask me that". I tell him I have literally given up all the people and my whole life for him and this gets him to rage more. Then he get's defensive saying he's a terrible person (in a ironic way) and that It's best for him to leave me. Obviously he never does.

He says I don't make him happy as he makes me. I am afraid to tell him I am so unhappy myself but have told him before in a nice way without putting any blame on him. I ask him what I can do for him to make him happier and he says "you should know, if you don't know then why are you with me?" He never gives straight answers.

[Vincenta]

Hi Blacksymphony,

And welcome!
So sorry to hear about your struggles in your marriage!
 
Many of us here are very familiar with those episodes and behaviors. You are definitely not alone!

However, we here on this board cannot make any diagnosis.
We can not confirm here whether your partner has BPD or not, only a professional specialist treating your partner could do it (and sometimes that might be challenging, too - especially if the professional is not specialized with Personal Disorders incl. BPD).

The good news are that you can find so much information on this site what YOU can do in order to understand the PD behavior and tools for better communication with your partner that might descrease the tension.
Please read those articles under  ‘ diagnosis and treatment’ and ‘ tools’.

Most important at the moment though is your self- care and safety. Do you have friends and/ or family you can turn to?
Do they live close? Are you in regular contact with them?
Do you have any hobbies of your own? How does your ‘ normal’ day look like? How about your eating habits, you sound very thin?

Please also read the articles on this site about Domestic Violence and Safety Plan ( sorry cannot copy the link as writing this on my mobile).

We care, and you are not alone,
Keep on posting,
Sending a big hug from afar,

Vincenta







.



 

[Vincenta]

Ps. Dear Blacksymphony,

you mentioned that you have a medical condition, do you want to tell about it?
Are you in therapy?
If not, could you e.g. call to your local DV center and ask for advise?

Based on your messages, your partner is in many ways abusive.
You have faced/facing both physical and emotional abuse.
And you should seek professional help to address that.

In addition, keep on posting,
We are here for you!

Vincenta

[blacksymphony]

Hi Vincenta and Thank you for your response. Directly after writing here I had a very good week with my Hubby (he is the sweetest when he is not in an attack) and just didn’t feel like getting into all these again, then it started again and I am back, .

To answer your questions.
I really don’t have family to turn to as all I get from them is “leave him” or would possible call the police on him to try to get him sent back. I talk with my brother and told him about his “condition” but no details just that it’s hard. He is the only family member I have contact with right now and really wouldn’t understand if I told him more. As of friends... I lost all my friends to this marriage... Talking to them brings up another fight and basically he asked me to pick him or my friends...

I do have so many hobbies, all of which have been forgotten ever since we moved in together. I used to be an Instagram influencer and loved it. I can’t do that anymore because he is jealous and of course will rage over a silly comment or like. I love to draw and I still draw sometimes but rarely, when he is busy with something else. Usually I play video games with him even though I don’t have that much fun... he just always wants my attention. If I spend too much “me” time he is upset because I am “either at work or ignoring him home”... basically my day to day is work then coming home to comfort him, cooking, cleaning then bed time...

My medical condition isn’t fully diagnosed (blood report goes from positive to negative) but I have a lot of symptoms of diffuse Scleroderma. I have a lot of arthritis and painful joints that sometimes I can’t do things as simple as opening my own water bottle. I am vegan, just to put that out there. Was vegetarian but doctor made me stop dairy and eggs and said that it was causing more inflammation to my joints. I also always feel tired, when I can home from work I am almost out of energy after a full days work (look up spoon theory). He will ask me to do something together (either fun or help clean or anything) and if I say I am too tired and I’ll do it on the weekend I get another rage and how I’m so lazy and never help him with anything although I’m 80% of the time the only one doing chores...

I’m not in therapy and am scared to speak out on my problems since we are still mid way immigrantion. I love him and don’t want to cause troubles to that... I don’t want to lose him

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear blacksymphony-

Welcome to our community.  I am so sorry for the pain that brings you here, but very glad that you’ve found us.  I hope that you’ll continue to post... even during the “good” weeks with your uBPDh (undiagnosed BPD husband). 

Of course the first thing most of us wish to address is the domestic violence.  My 19-year marriage ended the night my husband (now exH) threw me across the room and into a door.  He had never before laid a violent hand on me; and I later came to understand and admit (difficult) that I had been emotionally abused for most of those 19 years.  He was arrested that night for felony DV.  I dropped the charges and only hurt myself in the process.  Only myself.  And badly.

The only advice I’ll give to you on this DV topic tonight is to be sure that someone, SOMEONE, in your real life knows the TRUTH about what your H has done to you physically.  Even a brief call to a DV hotline.  Please don’t accept the “blame” for your H’s physical attacks.  Do not internalize that.   It doesn’t matter what type of upbringing he had.  That is NO excuse for physical attacks against you.

Since your H apparently has a habit of disregarding all boundaries of your personal privacy, please be sure to make this site “disappear” from your search history.  We can help you here; and you DESERVE this help and a place to freely speak your truth without fear.  In fact, you deserve to live each day without fear.

It’s late here and I’ve got So many things I wish to discuss with you, so I’ll finish tomorrow when I’m fresh. I want to address your health.  I looked up “diffuse scleroderma”, since I’m unfamiliar with that condition, and it’s quite serious.  What struck me the MOST, whether or not that is your ultimate diagnosis- is that as with most autoimmune disorders - one of the primary triggers is STRESS.  I’m sure you know this, my friend.

So... with the communication tools available on this site (look under TOOLS, WORKSHOPS), a good starting point would be to address with your H the importance of reducing stress in your life, in BOTH your lives.  No pointing fingers or blaming... you want and NEED to be emotionally healthier, more “present” in the relationship, etc.  Your health issues are REAL.  And your H needs to play an active role in assisting you with this.  So your question really is -  “is he GOOD for you?”  Is he a willing “partner”?  Because you deserve a partner.  None of us marries to carry the entire load alone, do we?

And your hypoglycemia... this I DO know about.  I was diagnosed at 8 or 9 years old (3rd grade) and I’m 62 now.  I’ve spent my life chasing my blood sugar and I still struggle to keep weight on, especially during stressful times.  I happen to have an uBPDbf who pays close attention to my blood sugar and my food intake (I AM fortunate there!); and he makes certain I eat.  Have you consulted with a nutritionist who understands the combo of your hypoglycemia and inflammation  contributors of certain foods?  Being vegan is great in theory, but without great focus, it can be HARD to get enough protein.  And certain veggies (nightshades) cause inflammation.  I know this is off-topic, but I’ve been through this struggle.

Bottom line of tonight’s thoughts is that if you’re physically feeling drained and empty, it’s that much harder to think clearly about next steps. It’s natural to feel you’re breaking down... in effect you kind of are.

Self-care is vital.  You cannot begin to take any steps to effect real change in this relationship if you’re physically ill.  Your H needs to understand this fact.

With a partner like yours, he’ll rage if you do and rage if you don’t.  So DO.  DO what you need to do FOR yourself.  And if he acts out, or becomes dangerous, then you MUST DO what you MUST DO to maintain your safety.

His price to pay will be his price to pay... he is an adult.  And you are NOT his mother, you’re his wife.

I don’t mean to be harsh.  In some instances, it’s difficult to tippy toe around the truth.

Please keep posting, and we’ll talk more when you can. There IS help here for you.  And we can get more specific about the communication tools as well as ways for you to regain more of yourself, your life.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi blacksymphony,

Welcome to the family. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Based on what you described, it does sound like your husband is displaying traits of BPD. As Vincenta said, we cannot diagnose here, but many of our members have loved ones who are undiagnosed. The behaviors and how they are affecting you are what is important.

The physical assaults you describe are concerning. We can work on tools for communication and boundary setting in your relationship, but the most important thing is your safety. Has anyone ever talked with you about having a safety plan in place? It is a good idea to have one when you are dealing with a partner who can be physically abusive.

Here is a link to more information on a safety plan:

Safety First

If your partner is resistant to therapy, the best thing you can do is try to find support for yourself. Have you considered talking with someone at a local DV resource center? You can also talk with someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline thehotline.org. They have an anonymous chat line if you prefer that form of communication.

How safe do you feel in your relationship at present? Do you have a place to go in an emergency if your h becomes violent again?

[Vincenta]

Hi dear Blacksymphony,

Am writing this with my phone only,  so just a quick note now to say that very glad that you reached out to  us  again!

Oh, I can relate so very well with your experiences. DrJekyll and Mr Hyde, the roles constantly changing...sometimes within 5 minutes, sometimes in a week... or a month.
However, slowly one starts to live in  a constant fear - what goes up, must come down - and what the down next time
 might mean? How abusive?

 Do you know the feeling?
 
You might want to check also ‘ Stockholm symdrome’ and especially ‘ intermittent reinforcement’.
Was very helpful for me.

Both * I am Redeemed’* and * Gemsforeyes*’  raised very valid points and good questions.

Looking forward to hearing more from you,

And as said, you are not alone, we are here for you,
So keep posting!

 

Vincenta

Ps I am not at all any med expert, just mainly a lacto-vegetarian for the last 30 years already, and trying to move more to vegan side even ( difficult due my love for French cheese! Etc) , however have read that sometimes especially women might have problems with ferrantine. Did you ask for a full blood test?