Four years later, I'm still struggling to heal and move on

[FireRiver]

Hello everyone,

First time post! I really appreciate the insights and posts on this board. I hope this is the correct forum. If not please let me know (or maybe an admin can fix).

I was married for ten years to an undiagnosed quiet-type borderline. He devalued me about a year into the marriage and I regret every day not leaving sooner. His rage was usually well-concealed, but the relationship dynamics left me changed in ways I still don't fully understand. Probably the worst thing that happened is that five years into our marriage, we started a business together and it was a disaster. While he was initially committed to providing care for our three year old and doing some light bookkeeping, it developed into a terrible situation that cost me my health (did I mention I deeply regret not leaving sooner?) and gave him endless reasons to be distant, cold and half-hearted in celebrating my victories - nothing was ever just right for him. I tried hard to celebrate and support him, and I took on the burden of making the marriage work (in hindsight, another mistake).

We've been divorced nearly four years. I've done a lot of work - therapy, reading, acknowledging my codependent tendencies and self-esteem issues that made me stay in such a toxic relationship. I have dated and currently have ethical non-monogamous relationships with two people (they know about each other and are themselves both polyamorous). I live alone with my now-12 year old and am reluctant to let a relationship develop into getting a spouse or live-in partner. I tell people I value my freedom, but actually I would like to have a spouse again.

I don't know why I can't fully move on, but ... I feel stuck in ways that I would like to not be stuck. While in many ways my life has gone forward (new career, new and wonderful things on so many fronts in my life) I still feel confusion, loss, even rage and anger at what happened and how it changed me. My health took a sudden and severe decline during the year we launched the business, which I directly attribute to my ex plus my own codependency and refusal to leave him. And my health has never fully recovered. My ex has a new girlfriend who is apparently "everthing he's ever wanted" (yes, I know he is idealizing her, and I know what comes next) and he's now making close to six figures in the job that I helped him get. Meanwhile, I have seriously struggled financially as a single mom, and have my own issues about relationships that are starting to feel like they are holding me back. I'm envious of his life, good health, happy relationship (for now), and career, even though I know better.

I want to acknowledge my failures and weaknesses. I want to embrace the fact that I was extremely codependent. I don't want to be a victim, I want to move on. But, I also feel like I've never really acknowledged the extent to which my ex emotionally abused me, made me feel unworthy, and made it hard for me to leave. There is still a part of me that thinks everything that happened is my fault and I think this is the part that is hurtful and confusing now. My ex very much fed into my misguided belief that if I worked hard enough in the relationship, I could fix what was wrong. So when things ended, in my head and according to the world that my ex created and I participated in, I failed. I know this isn't true. But I think on some level it still haunts me. Some of our mutual friends said things like "oh, you guys must have grown apart and your split is for the better," but those words ring hollow to me - that's not what happened. We didn't grow apart, and our split wasn't because we stopped loving each other (I am unsure if he ever really loved me, or is capable of it) or realized we had different goals or values in life, or any of the reasons that healthier relationships ultimately end. Our relationship ended because I couldn't take his abuse anymore, and because he was miserable in our relationship due to completely devaluing me.

I am in therapy, I am seeking to acknowledge my shortcomings, and I am trying so hard to grow. It's been four years since I left. Why do I still feel crazy? Why can't I set aside my anger at the long slow destruction of my self-worth and just focus on my new life? Why can't I move on?

[SinisterComplex]

Yes you came to the right place. From what I see this...yes this is also the right forum.

"Why do I still feel crazy? Why can't I set aside my anger at the long slow destruction of my self-worth and just focus on my new life? Why can't I move on?" You are not crazy. You cared about this person. Your love and feelings were and are real. The only mistake is thinking that those feelings were or are reciprocated. The main reason you are not moving on is that you haven't worked on building your own validation internally. It seems like you are still pining for closure. You have to learn to fall in love with yourself. I'm serious. I don't mean be a narcissist, but the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you will have with yourself.

"I'm envious of his life, good health, happy relationship (for now), and career, even though I know better." - Let go of this ASAP. Its your ego talking to you in your head. This line of feeling and thinking is definitely not healthy and you know this. Try to shift your focus to the ideal of outcome independence and learn how to come from a place of power...think abundance, not scarcity. Too much of your happiness and self worth was predicated upon him. You are in charge of your own happiness. Seek to strive for internal validation, not external validation. As I have made popular...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

"I want to embrace the fact that I was extremely codependent." - This is perhaps one of the reasons why you may be still stuck so to speak. You put more into the relationship than the other side did and you were more invested. But again please kind to yourself. No one is perfect and we all have plenty to work on and learn.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[FireRiver]

Thank you so much, SC!

You are right - I am pining for closure and I am realizing, I think doing that is itself a longing for external validation.

This loving yourself thing is not all that easy. I hope I get there someday! I am on the road and doing better at this, but I'm not where I want to be yet.

Great insights - some stuff to think about for me.

[Rev]

Hello everyone,

First time post! I really appreciate the insights and posts on this board.

I am in therapy, I am seeking to acknowledge my shortcomings, and I am trying so hard to grow. It's been four years since I left. Why do I still feel crazy? Why can't I set aside my anger at the long slow destruction of my self-worth and just focus on my new life? Why can't I move on?

Hi!

And welcome.

SC has given some great insights.

I have a question.  Can you share some of your strengths?

Rev

[Vincenta]

Hi FireRiver,

And welcome!

I am so sorry to hear about the failed marriage and the long struggle you are going through.   :hug

Quite often the relationships with PwPDs ( people with personal disorders) never have a closure, leaving the ‘non’  partner very confused, sad,  desperate, fearful, lonely, angry... sometimes for years, without a professional help and a support group.

I am glad to hear that you are in therapy. Have you talked there about a possible  ‘ trauma- bond’ you might have experienced with your ex- partner?

In addition, it is important to keep up a hope - hope for a better self- care, hope for a happier days...incl. the days to come when the relationship with him seems very distant and does not define you as a person anymore.

What are your dreams? What makes YOU -and just you - really happy and content ( without any romantic content)?
Could you perhaps think about one such a dream only as a starting point and then make e.g. a weekly plan on how to achieve that goal? You might want to mark the progress regularly, too.

Again, welcome, and keep on posting!
We are here to support you,

Warmly,

Vincenta

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi FireRiver, 

I want to join the others in welcoming you. I'm so glad you reached out to us and that you've become a part of our online family. You are welcome here. 

Separating from the one we loved and shared life with is a very tough thing, and I don't mean just the physical separation that comes from moving out or a divorce. It's the soul ties that are hard. It has been so for me since I separated from an emotionally destructive relationship. I think one of the strongest mental games I play has been to ask myself (perhaps a million times, consciously or subconsciously) if I could've done something different or better. The truth is that I did more than enough for both of us and overfunctioned because I tried to make up for what he didn't do. It had become pretty much a one sided relationship. Does that sound like something you've noticed too?

I've had to practice a lot of self care in order to pry loose my grip on those things I still hold onto. It's essential in order for us to heal. I think it's good that you are soul searching, and the desire to find answers will motivate you. Keep sharing the insight you discover.

Wools