Feel like I just lost my brother forever

[Snow80]

I’ve watched my brother ride this roller coaster for 10 years with his non diagnosed BPD wife.  It always comes down to her needing to have another baby and how he owes it to her.  
She has isolated him and controls everything.  He has almost left her multiple times and has bounced around different therapists for years.  
They have four kids and are all home schooled.  He felt things were so bad between them and she was pressuring him to have another baby.
He decided to not to go back home last fall on his birthday, but somehow she got him to come back...fast forward through four weird months when she’s on her best behavior... I know something is up.  I ask him every time I talk to him if she’s pregnant.  He assured me she isn’t... well, tonight he said “We’re expecting a baby.  And I’m happy”  no smile - glancing toward her... and we thought It was strange that we were invited to this birthday party (we usually aren’t) but it was really about the new baby.
He’s never leaving, they have a toxic relationship, he even went to a family violence therapist... but they’re having another baby. - number 5.
I’m done.  I realized that she’s never going to change and sadly tonight l, I realized he isn’t either.
I’m trying not to feel like I’ve given up on him - but I can’t take All of the lies and drama anymore. 

[Snow80]

Am I being too harsh?  Has anyone had any similar situations?

[Turkish]

Hi Snow80,

I don't think you are being too harsh. 

It looks like he's chosen his path. 5 kids now? He's committed himself, despite everything. It must be so painful to witness, but that's his choice. I'd try to keep a relationship, as it were.  Too many people here,  siblings and parents, get cut off completely in these situations. 

Do you have a view if she's still violent? How was she before?

[Snow80]

I don’t know if she’s been violent recently because he hasn’t been taking to me as much.  I kinda think the reason he gave in to having another was to avoid another anger explosion like before.  She throws things and destroys stuff - I am not aware of any physical violence...but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.  There is plenty of emotional abuse going on - and yelling. 
I worry about his four girls who are at home with her all day - and I know most of the responsibilities fall to the oldest who is almost 9 years old.  She should be having fun being a kid, but instead she has to look after her sisters. 
When she gets down she threatens things like “If I don’t get to have another baby I’m going to be so depressed that I’m not going to feed or take care is the kids”
I’m sure there’s something he’s done or hasn’t told her that will blow up sometime soon, and it will be just like always. 

[Jareth89]

Has anyone had any similar situations?

My situation is not as bad as yours, however  there is a similarity in that SIL has promised her 4yr old son that he will have a baby brother. I doubted myself at first but it looks like she has planted the idea in his head and of course he doesn't stop talking about it. It's an excellent way to put pressure on someone. My brother looks uncomfortable every time it is raised. I agree the lies, drama and secrecy is very emotionally taxing. I know the general advice is to keep the relationship open, but as with any addict (if you are trying to intervene) there needs to be consequences for non-compliance. What it is to be a slave to 'love'...

[Jareth89]

She has isolated him and controls everything.  He has almost left her multiple times and has bounced around different therapists for years...I’m trying not to feel like I’ve given up on him - but I can’t take all of the lies and drama anymore.  

Your brother lacks fortitude, he goes whichever way the wind blows never knowing where it will take him and hence has no steady compass. He lacks conviction. You are clear-sighted, but no advice will be a source of comfort to you unless you have a plan of action that can have an impact on his behaviour.

You discern right from wrong
'Being a man of conviction means you seriously spend time considering whether what you are doing is right or wrong, people with weak convictions tend to wander into moral ambiguity and end up in a place they never thought they would be. They end up doing things they never thought they would do. Being a man of conviction means you determine where the lines are and then don't cross them'

[Notwendy]

I’m done.  I realized that she’s never going to change and sadly tonight l, I realized he isn’t either.
I’m trying not to feel like I’ve given up on him - but I can’t take All of the lies and drama anymore.

Snow, it's a tough situation. I can understand your feeling of being done and honestly, it may bring you some peace to remove yourself from the situation.

10 years and 5 kids. Does not look like your brother plans to leave this relationship, and it isn't your place to decide he should leave. These romantic relationships are complicated. You have the outside view.  Should he leave her - he's the one who would go through the divorce, split custody of the kids. The relationship may be tough, but so is divorce. It's his choice to stay or leave.

A "plan of action" that impacts his behavior assumes that there is a way to impact another person's behavior. But IMHO, this isn't an effective path- especially when it comes down to trying to impact an emotional romantic bond from the outside and when children are involved. These relationships are complicated. Your brother is not a victim. He may have gotten into this relationship not knowing all about the possible outcome, but 10 years, and 5 kids into this, this is his choice.

Have I experienced something similar? Yes, with my father and my BPD mother. It was classic drama triangle. I saw him as her victim in his elder years. She was abusive to him. I jumped in to intervene. She went into victim mode. He came to her "rescue" as rescuer- bonded with her "against" me. What was my own moral conviction? I couldn't sit back and watch her abuse an elderly man. I did intervene, but the outcome was that I lost the relationship. Because of this pattern, you can choose to intervene if you feel you must- but know the potential outcome. You can also choose to detach and accept that your brother made this choice, and apparently continues to make this choice. The relationship is his business, the consequences of his choices, and you are not responsible for his choices.

[Snow80]

I think there is a part of me that is disappointed.  I know how hard divorce is - especially with someone who is verbally abusive and controlling - since that was my situation with my ex.  I had become a shell of a person, but I feared that my two young children would continue the cycle of unhealthy relationships.  I had to break away for me and my kids.  They're all grown up now and doing well - but we've had our share of difficulties - and lots and lots of therapy!

It seems like every encounter with them gets turned around where we take the blame for whatever she's mad about.  No matter what we do, she's miserable, we're wrong, and it's all our fault.  I guess it's just the way it's gonna be...

[Jareth89]

I think there is a part of me that is disappointed...It seems like every encounter with them gets turned around where we take the blame for whatever she's mad about.  No matter what we do, she's miserable, we're wrong, and it's all our fault.  I guess it's just the way it's gonna be...

Snow, it's so difficult...families should stick together and support each other not tear each other apart. It's such a waste. Every case is individual and whatever choice you make, the consequences will only affect your family - nobody else. So in my own situation, I listen to the advice (I absorbed it for months here - it helped me untangle my thoughts), study the cases here to gain insight and then think about how this knowledge applies to my own circumstances with my brother. I'm a scientist so problem-solving is in my nature and if I can find a solution or avenue for progress I will instinctively pursue it. Your brother admittedly is pretty entrenched sadly...was he ever told by a therapist that her behaviour was likely due to BPD? Did you at any point in the past years try to tell him that his wife's behaviours were due to a mental illness? Why does he lie to you...is too ashamed to divulge the reality? He does have an option to be open/honest with you and acknowledge his difficulties privately instead of trying to deceive you...if you ever get to see him on his own that is.

A "plan of action" that impacts his behavior assumes that there is a way to impact another person's behavior. But IMHO, this isn't an effective path- especially when it comes down to trying to impact an emotional romantic bond from the outside and when children are involved.

It has been proven in the cases here that men were able to gain clarity, sanity, relief and reclaim their identity from finding out that the pwBPD's behaviours were due to a mental illness. It enabled them to act on this information (impact their behaviour) and many did - children or not. However most of those cases were self-discovery or they were prompted in the right direction by a neutral 3rd party. It's recognised that when a family member intervenes to deliver the same information it is not usually well received and there is a reason for that, which is a pity since the family member is able to do an intimate analysis of the situation (mine is 10+ pages  )...a 3rd party needs to deliver...ideally a clinical psych if you can get permission to deviate from the rules. But Notwendy is right in that after this information has presented itself, the spouse is alone in how he chooses to act on that...there is the additional risk that he suffers a loss of judgement and shares everything with his wife. It looks unlikely that you will be heading down that road anyway and much depends on the character of the rescuing spouse, as to whether you can turn the situation around or not. Wishing you a miracle! It must be very difficult to see your brother become a shadow of himself and essentially dissolve his relationship with you   ...if we aren't true to ourselves we self-destruct. Coronavirus is making my SIL's problems seem miniscule...wish scientists would stop experimenting with viruses in the lab. Truth over denial - always!

[Snow80]

Hi Snow80,

I don't think you are being too harsh. 

It looks like he's chosen his path. 5 kids now? He's committed himself, despite everything. It must be so painful to witness, but that's his choice. I'd try to keep a relationship, as it were.  Too many people here,  siblings and parents, get cut off completely in these situations. 

Do you have a view if she's still violent? How was she before?

Well... looks like the cut off completely has happened.  Now she’s claiming he’s been abusing him and is a compulsive liar - everything he’s ever said about her is not true...

[Turkish]

What's the situation now?

You might want to encourage him to sign up here for support. There's a lot of resources on the legal board (Suggested Reading at the top) and good support.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

Guidelines are just that you don't post in each other's threads (and better not to disclose your user name).

[Snow80]

I don’t think he would any place where he could access the website without her tracking him... unless it’s a work computer that she doesn’t have access to