How to Proceed...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello! This is my first post and I am super sad, confused, and angry. I married my husband in August and I did not realize he had BPD. We met and married quickly, which was a huge mistake. We both sold our houses and bought a house together. This is the problem. We could easily get divorced but we closed on our house less than two months ago and every other week he wants a divorce but then he changes his mind and wants to work it out. We don't have enough equity to sell. He keeps saying he is going to move out but he doesn't. He stays here during the week and then goes to his brother's every weekend. He sequesters himself into his office and will not interact with me unless he is attacking me verbally or deciding that he really wants to work things out. He makes me feel like I am crazy and I am not! It's so destructive and exhausting...I just don't know what to do.

[Isodora]

Hello! This is my first post and I am super sad, confused, and angry. I married my husband in August and I did not realize he had BPD. We met and married quickly, which was a huge mistake. We both sold our houses and bought a house together. This is the problem. We could easily get divorced but we closed on our house less than two months ago and every other week he wants a divorce but then he changes his mind and wants to work it out. We don't have enough equity to sell. He keeps saying he is going to move out but he doesn't. He stays here during the week and then goes to his brother's every weekend. He sequesters himself into his office and will not interact with me unless he is attacking me verbally or deciding that he really wants to work things out. He makes me feel like I am crazy and I am not! It's so destructive and exhausting...I just don't know what to do.

[kells76]

Hi Isodora, welcome to the boards 

It makes a lot of sense that you'd be feeling sad, confused, hurt, angry, all of that, given what you've been through and discovered.

With all his flip flopping, verbal attacks, and crazy-making behaviors, it's no wonder you're feeling wiped out, on top of it all.

What are some of the most problematic behaviors you encounter? If you're up for it, maybe walk us through how a situation goes down.

You don't have to decide anything right now. As you go through your decision process, though, we can help you learn and build tools and skills (that aren't always intuitive) that can, if not "make things better", at least "not make things worse".

Let us know some situations and we can help you as best we can!

Hang in there and post whenever you feel up for it;

kells76

[Isodora]

Thank you so much! I really need a safe place to discuss as most people do not understand how destructive and difficult this is.

When we first got together, he seemed so nice and uncomplicated. Just a super mellow guy that let everything roll off of his back. So, we got married and sold our houses.

The BPD symptoms starting exhibiting themselves quickly after his house sold and before mine closed and he moved in with my son and myself. It was a small house so a couple of weeks in he said it was too small and he needed space so he starting staying with his brother. He kept saying things would be fine once my house sold and we were in an Airbnb, where we would be staying until the new house, we purchased together, would be ready to move into. I closed on my house and we got to the Airbnb and that quickly fell apart so my son and I moved out of there and stayed with a friend until we would be living in the new house. He assured me all would be fine once we were in the new house.

So, we closed on the new place in November and that quickly fell apart. He always has something or someone to blame. It become that since my kid wasn’t going away to college in the fall (he is staying here to start at community college) that he can’t live in this situation. He is a smoker and I conceded that he could smoke in the bedroom that he is using as an office (he works from home) now he’s pissed that he can’t smoke anywhere in the house.

It’s always some other excuse but not very strong ones. He is very immature on a lot of levels. I have experienced the black and white thinking; the I love you; I hate you; he typically cycles pretty quickly. If we have a good day then we are sure to have several bad days. He will ignore me and not interact or pick fights and then leave to go to his brothers for the weekend and come back and say he is so sorry and he didn’t mean it and he wants to work things out and then the next day he is back to being in the I hate you mood. I am seeing a therapist and that is helping but I feel so isolated when I am at home dealing with it. The problem is we are stuck in this house until we have enough equity to sell, which will be most likely in about 2 years. I don’t think I can live like this but I don’t really have a choice. He says he is looking for a place but it’s the same with all of his behaviors, I didn’t like that place, I put a deposit on this place but they don’t have an upper unit. He always has an excuse. He is either really nice and charming or super mean and just a jerk. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are alive and well in him. It’s really disconcerting. I am trying to take good care of myself but I am not sleeping well, I am anxious and stressed out. My therapist doesn’t think he will really move out and that is really discouraging.

At least he leaves on the weekends but my entire demeanor changes on Sunday nights when I know he is coming back. I am just really angry that I got myself here and trusted him. I had no idea he had BPD. He has also been in the psychiatric hospital on a 72-hour hold since we have been together. That was in early December. I was hopeful that he would start seeing a therapist and addressing his issues but that quickly dissipated as well. He says that he is fine, nothing is wrong with him and that he does not need help. He just wants to chain smoke, and play video games. When we first met, he wanted to get outside and hike and do fun stuff and now he typically sits in the office doing nothing for hours. I really want out but I am married to this mortgage and that is the most frustrating part.

[kells76]

The blaming and "problem-seeking" (vs solving) sound familiar; my husband's ex shows those traits as well.

Am I following you correctly -- if you could find some way to not be on the hook financially with the house, you would also be done with the relationship? Is that close? Or is there a better way to describe how the house/mortgage situation is related to your relationship?

I am not a real estate guru -- still renting, sigh -- but there are some members here with lots of experience, and I hope they stop by! They may have some unique insights and legal experiences that could help you get "unstuck" from the two year timeline you mentioned.

In the meantime, feel free to check out some other boards, too, for non-legal tools and skills. The folks over on "conflicted" are good to learn from if you're considering exiting a relationship, but aren't exactly sure.

And yes -- this is a safe place to talk about your conflicts, the bpd behaviors, all the crazy stuff that it seems like other people wouldn't believe. Share as much as you feel comfortable doing -- we get it, we really do.

Hang in there;

kells76

[ForeverDad]

The problem is we are stuck in this house until we have enough equity to sell, which will be most likely in about 2 years. I don’t think I can live like this but I don’t really have a choice.

What is the price for your sanity and peace of mind?  I ask because you're thinking - actually hoping - that you'll have some equity in a couple years.  Of course, no one wants to sell at a loss.  But that risk is a financial risk.  Weigh that against your health and stress levels.  In addition, no one can foresee whether the housing market will be up in the future, for all we know it might go down in that time and you'd be chasing a moving target.  With that consideration, your choice would become (1) risk a loss now or (2) risk a possible loss in the future.

I presume you've both sunk money into the house, you are both on the deed and both on the mortgage, right?  If you decide to sell and cut your losses, there is a real possibility your spouse may stall on selling, stall on a divorce and try to keep you feeling obligated, guilted and off balance.
FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

[Isodora]

Yes Kells76...very much blaming and problem-seeking. He says he wants a drama free existence but he is the one creating all the drama. He is stating to act like a jerk over money as well. We decided to split everything down the middle for now and he was digging in over $30.00. He finally relented and wrote me a check for $300 and threw it at me. If I could get off the hook for the mortgage I would definitely leave the marriage. I raised a son on my own and I am super independent. I just got caught up with how right it felt initially. He was literally a different person the first several months. Thank you for suggesting some other boards. I will look around. I just have never dealt with anything like this and it's crazy. Trying to explain his behaviors to people who don't understand is difficult. 

[Isodora]

Thank you for your words ForeverDad!

I made him meet with a property manager/realtor to get a sense of some options and unfortunately neither option is affordable right now. Our best chance of breaking even is putting it into property management in spring of 2021 to at least break even monthly (it's a new development and will be complete closer to the end of this year). Neither of us has money to bring to the closing table so selling is not an option right now. We had initially agreed to plan on renting it out in Spring 2021 and I would stay here with my son and he would find a cheap apartment so that he can still pay his share of the mortgage until then. We are both on the loan and deed. But now he keeps stalling. I even at one point offered to pay more to get him to move out but there is never a place that is good enough or something is wrong with it. My therapist doesn't believe he is ever going to move out. He has worked with BPD folks and his view is very bleak.

Definitely, FOG!

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so glad you are seeing a therapist!  That is a great first step to prioritize your mental health.

I'd recommend that you meet with a divorce lawyer.  You don't have to retain one and file yet, but it's best to find out what your legal options are.  How would the assets (likely just the house) be divided?  How would you get him out of the house?

You've already talked to a realtor?  So you know how much equity there is in the house.  That's probably the only asset the two of you would have to split.

Then I might meet with a financial planner.  Can you afford the mortgage on your own?  If so, can you structure your finances to pay your ex a monthly sum for his share of the equity, until he's been repaid?

You are not completely out of options yet.  Now is the time to talk to more professionals and see if there are some creative solutions to get you out of having to deal with him.

[Isodora]

Yes...me too! That is the only reason I feel somewhat sane. He got home last night and is pulling his typical ignoring me. That's what I don't understand...if he is so miserable, why doesn't he just move out! It is so frustrating. Yes...I have some appointments to meet with some folks to see what other options are. I just feel stupid that I let him trick me into thinking he was a completely different person.

[worriedStepmom]

You aren't stupid.

One of the hallmarks of BPD relationships is that they start out with lots of lovebombing.  The pwBPD idolizes their partner for a while.  When they get closer and more comfortable, THEN they start to show their BPD traits.

Therapy will be great for you to figure out what red flags you missed so that you do better next time.

Don't beat yourself up.  You did the best you could with the information you had, and now that you have more information you'll do the best that you can now.

How is your son doing, dealing with all of this as well as transitioning to college?

[Isodora]

Thank you, worriedStepmom! I really appreciate that! It's so hard to deal with all of this. Therapy is really helping but him moving out would be even better! My son is doing alright. He is very protective of me and does not like seeing how I am getting treated but he is being very supportive. He will be even better when we are not living this nightmare anymore.

[livednlearned]

He sequesters himself into his office and will not interact with me unless he is attacking me verbally

How do you respond when he sequesters himself?

And what happens when he attacks you verbally?

Maybe we can help walk with you through these interactions and brainstorm together ways to respond so that it's less exhausting in the home while you figure out your next moves.

The idealization phase is like nothing else, making the devaluation phase feel like horrible whiplash. I found it stunning. Then I kept trying to get back to the idealization phase even when it was clearly no longer possible. It says a lot about your strength and character that you found your limits so soon in the marriage. Try to be kind to yourself throughout this. No need to have two people being mean to you    Yes, this is a problem and yes, you are doing so many healthy good things for yourself: seeing a therapist, supporting your son, setting limits with your ex, posting here.

You are a strong person with a good brain and that will carry you far through this 

[Isodora]

I usually just leave him alone but we live together so something happens...a bill is due or we take turns taking the dogs out and run into each other. When he verbally attacks me I sometimes fight back but have realized that is not going to help me. It makes me feel worse in the end. I try to walk away. His pattern has been that when we get along and have a good day, including when he wants to work things out...he typically retreats and acts like a jerk, then within several days he wants to work it out.

I ran into him in the kitchen this morning and asked him if he found a place...he said March 5th an apartment he looked at would be available. Not sure if I should believe him but I told him we need to talk about a divorce. He sent some links for do it yourself divorce but he has done that at least 4 other times. It is so confusing and hurtful. I literally have texts with a link to divorce papers and the next one is how much he loves me.

I so appreciate your kind words. I know I want out but I am struggling with the emotional fallout I am feeling. It's like being on a rollar coaster with absolutely no end in sight!

[Meridius]

His pattern has been that when we get along and have a good day, including when he wants to work things out...he typically retreats and acts like a jerk, then within several days he wants to work it out.

It's good to keep coming back here to know you're not alone.

I know the feeling of being told they want out and then changing their mind.  I've just moved out to a friend's place to get some space after being screamed at by my wife during couples counselling.  That, combined with another "small" overdose (their coping mechanism) was enough for me to take my own health into my own hands.  I'd been experiencing repeated physical anxiety "gut punches" for months. 

If there's one thing I've learned about myself in the last few day on my own is I can choose whether to step into my BPDw's emotional malestrom.  It takes lots of strength to pull oneself out.  Some days, I can't tell the top from the bottom of the tornado.  The even crazier thing is that the tornado can appear even if she's not around.  That's my mind...and that's the ghost image of whatever she's thrown at me lingering days after.

It is so confusing and hurtful. I literally have texts with a link to divorce papers and the next one is how much he loves me.

I so appreciate your kind words. I know I want out but I am struggling with the emotional fallout I am feeling. It's like being on a rollar coaster with absolutely no end in sight!

Yes, it's a roller coaster.  And it's their roller coaster.  They can't get off it, and the best you can do is just watch.  Painful that might be.  I'm not saying you should or shouldn't divorce.  That's a very personal call.   But being here, reading other stories, for me is a good way to do "self care" for me.

I'm new here and still learning how to see the entirety of my situation.  And figuring out what to do.  One day at a time.

[Isodora]

Thank you, Meridius! I appreciate a space to see how others are coping and navigating BPD with a partner as well.

Yes...that is exactly how I feel, that it takes a lot of strength to pull yourself out. I am just exhausted. We are having a good week but I feel the toll it takes on me to be the one to completely stay in control. Working full-time and having a kiddo at home requires a lot of energy for me and then to have to deal with the unpredictability of my husband feels like too much sometimes. The constant walking on eggshells knowing that it doesn't matter, something will set him off. How do you not walk on eggshells, attached to dynomite?

I am continuing to try to take good care of myself; therapy, yoga, and acupuncture. I feel the "tornado" too, long after a rough encounter. Some times I burst into tears when I least expect it becuase I just feel overwhelmed. It's getting better but with having no resolution anytime soon or ever, I am just waiting and waiting and it's really hard.

I have heard "one day at a time" and I am trying but I am a planner. I was a single mom for my son's entire life, he just turned 18, and it feels unsettling for me. My husband said he was going to move out to give us space and try to work on things but this morning he said he still has time to think about it and he may not move out. He said he had an apartment lined up for March but I am not sure he is being truthful. Again, just waiting for him to make some decisions I am not sure he is capable of making.

"They can't get off it, and the best you can do is just watch.  Painful that might be." This is great advice! I will definitely take this into my day and week and month! It is painful but you are so right all I can do is watch and it is so difficult.

I hope you have a really good day!