Thanks for the reply,
I feel betrayed, lied to, angry and guilty that I facilitated it to happen I guess.
I really thought the guy was a father figure but now I can see he was preying on my vulnerable wife who was pushing me away and telling me she needed to spend time with people who had been in the same situation as I wouldn't understand. He also then began using emotional blackmail threatening to take his own life if she stopped spending time with him.
I feel guilty that she told me she couldn't be on her own with her thoughts and needed company when she came out of hospital yet rather than take time off I tried to be the hero and work full time, run the family and let her stay out until the kids were in bed or later. I should have been with her during this time.
I swing between guilt and anger as she insists it was about emotional support and the physical side was not important or something she particularly wanted (apparently this was also never actually successful so maybe I can take some comfort, yet the intention was there.) Yet the fact there was more than one effort is the problem.
I am waiting for couples therapy with the mental health team that are currently involved.
I can see she isn't herself and she has made many changes to her appearance and has a teenage mentality due to dissociation. I also realise this is a form of self harm yet I have that overriding feeling she could have told me before doing anything or said no at any point.
My emotions are all over the place!
Hello again ….
That's really excellent of you to be able to name those things. Good courage. It can be hard for some people to go there. So take a moment and get in touch with what empowered you to look at what you had to look at - even as it is hard. Hold on to that "something" - it will serve you well as you look and grow.
I'm going to risk going too fast here and trust my intuition …. I would suggest that you go into personal counselling as well. Spiritual direction if you are person of faith as well.
The anger - it's a defense and expression of the injustice you feel. She gave you the impression you were important to her in finding her happiness and you willingly became vulnerable to become in touch with her struggles. pwBPD seek out, consciously or unconsciously, people who have compassion. The more compassion, the better the supply for them.
The guilt - that's that part you might want to take some time with in personal work. Carrying that guilt into couple's counselling will not serve you well. I hear you taking a lot of responsibility for your actions and I hear to you taking responsibility for having "facilitated" her choices. You can't have it both ways. You can't take responsibility for you and her - unless your goal was to have her go into this very sordid affair.
So there it is... your emotions are important because they remind you to be a caring person. But your rational side can help you put those emotions into perspective. Right now, your emotions are likely all over the place because your relationship messed with your rational brain - the relationship and where it went literally doesn't compute.
So there it is.
I hope some of this was helpful. I really feel for you. My story is somewhat similar. My ex (who is adopted) left me for her new-found biological brother. Tough stuff to get your head around.
You are not a reflection of her disfunction. You may have been caught in it. But you are not a reflection of it. You'll find yourself in all of this.
Positive thoughts your way.
Rev
