How on earth to begin seeing if we can get back on track together

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

first time on here and not sure how it works so hope this works.

Long story short, after 20 years of marriage with intermittent but manageable episodes of what we thought was my SO's depression. SO's mental health spiralled so quickly and so violently out of control 15 months ago. BPD diagnosed.

Abusive behaviours got to the point where I had to move out in November (in the foolish hope that it would magically make him be better!)  - I really want to get us to a place where we can continue our marriage but the threats & abusive behaviours have left me more damaged that I had thought and so distrustful of him and of my own feelings that I just can't seem to see how we move forward. I keep saying to myself its one step at a time but I don't know what the next step is even.

Hope someone out there can share some of their light
Thank you

[alfsgran]

 

first time on here and not sure how it works so hope this works.

Long story short, after 20 years of marriage with intermittent but manageable episodes of what we thought was my SO's depression. SO's mental health spiralled so quickly and so violently out of control 15 months ago. BPD diagnosed.

Abusive behaviours got to the point where I had to move out in November (in the foolish hope that it would magically make him be better!)  - I really want to get us to a place where we can continue our marriage but the threats & abusive behaviours have left me more damaged that I had thought and so distrustful of him and of my own feelings that I just can't seem to see how we move forward. I keep saying to myself its one step at a time but I don't know what the next step is even.

Hope someone out there can share some of their light
Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

alfsgran, hello and welcome to the board!  We're glad you're here.  Every decision you make to work towards recovery and healing is a step. Posting here is a step. Reading books about BPD, going to therapy, taking care of your physical and emotional health, surrounding yourself with people that bring you joy...the list goes on. What other steps are you taking or plan to take?

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Many of us here have also navigated abusive relationships. My learning has brought me to a place where I can understand the problems a little differently, and respond, with more clarity, in a way that protects me and my values and serves to deescalate.

I'd love to know more when you're ready to share. What triggered the downward spiral 15 months ago?

pj

[alfsgran]

Thank you for your response pj

I have done much reading on BPD this past year (and depression over the last 15 years) - I agree with all you said about self care and do all you suggest as part of keeping myself sane  Exercise has always been a big part of my life, I have a two year old grandson who brings me joy, I try to keep up with things I enjoy such as going out with friends and seeing family I read, meditate, walk, breathe and all the things I can do to try and keep myself well.

I don't know what triggered the spiral in behaviour, many people have asked.

You ask what other steps I am taking or am planning to take - I really don't know what do to next. i have moved out, and created boundaries about what and how we communicate now (ie if abusive then it stops and also trying to keep a protective distance for myself whilst I work on myself to recover from what has happened but at the same time try and keep our relationship on track some how)

He hates the boundaries and is pushing, pushing to get me to go back (or in his words whats the point of pretending we're married)- I don't know how to go about moving forward, it just feels like we're stuck now.

I guess maybe I'm looking for shared experiences of getting stuch and how you get unstuck?

TIA

[Rev]

I guess maybe I'm looking for shared experiences of getting stuch and how you get unstuck?

TIA

Keep the boundaries - stay stable - work on your emotional/rational stability - the path forward will come clear eventually.

It depends on the length and depth of the personal work you do - Personally - I did some CBT and had a mentor and three close friends who kept me moving...  lots of what I did was counter intuitive to some extend - but I was motivated because I couldn't take the physical, emotional and financial abuse any longer.  

I still have my stuck moments and I can't say that there was a moment that was and "it" moment where things got better.  It's been more like this:   two steps forward on faith and coaching - one step back to take stock - three steps forward - one step back - stay stuck for a bit - one step forward - one step forward - one step back - stay stuck - three or four steps forward.

Hope this makes sense.

Reach out again if you have any comments or questions - maybe the pace of things will make other things clearer.

Rev.