Question about using humor as a way of coping

[Lstrayed]

Hi everyone! My question may be an odd one...but I wanted some other perspectives on this. My question stems from an incident with my ubpd mom last week. Her and my dad came over for my sons bday. We had celebrated the weekend before since his bday fell on a weeknight so it was just us and them having dinner and cake. Everything was fine until my children began to fight over something. They were rowdy and excited(the after cake crazy) I corrected thier behavior a few times and when the fight happened I very sternly(not a full yell) warned them that if they continued I would send them to time outs. When I returned to the table with my parents I was flustered(because I try NOT to show emotions around her for obvious reasons) She decided to take the oppurtunity to mock me and tell me how mean I am now that I have 3 kids! My response was to get angry and ask her what her excuse was then since she only had 2 kids and yelled constantly! Which is very true! In reality this was one of the first times she has ever seen me raise my voice to my children and I try really hard ALL of the time to NOT yell because of how much her constant yelling affected me growing up! She ignored what I said and continued to act as if nothing happened as I stewed in anger at her hypocritical comments to me! She then went into a story about her hair cut..ugh! She was going on and on(as she always does) about how stupid and incompetent the girl was who cut her hair! I sat there listening to her, repulsed(as always), as she made fun of this girl in her disgusting racist way! And then I realized that this LOVELY girl had in fact literally cut my moms hair into a mullet! I have nothing against mullets but I knew if I pointed it out to my mom(who I highly suspect is also narcissistic) she would freak out! It was especially funny to me because she had just been making fun of me(repeatedly) for always wearing my hair in a bun weeks before! I typically think things and never say them because she CAN'T handle an OUNCE of criticism or teasing herself, even though she is vicous and thats literally ALL she does! Soo...I lost it! It was a moment of no control and I busted out laughing! I pointed out to her that she had just been teasing me about my hair and now had a mullet and that it may be karma! My husband then lost it! She tried to pretend that it didnt bother her but she was infuriated and they left! I havent heard from her since! My husband stated that maybe this how we should always handle her when we need a break! Because if I need a break and try to put up boundaries or distance myself from her she takes that as a challenge to "get in" at all costs! This led into a discussion and a revelation about how humor was my main coping mechanism growing up. As a kid I joked with my friends about having the "crazy" mom! I warned any friend or boyfriends that may have had to interact with her that she was nuts...but I always did it in a funny way! Even when an incident with her upset me I would end up turning it into a joke and laughing at the absurdity of her! I would often joke that I was certain that I was one of those babies who were mixed up at birth! I realize now that was my way of seperating myself from her and my dysfunctional family! While I fully understand I was masking very deep seated hurt and pain with my jokes and laughter... I survived it! When I joked about the insanity that was going on in my house my friends would validate me and agree that, yes, she was in fact crazy! It was my way of getting that validation I so DESPERATELY needed without making people uncomfortable around me because I was being abused! I wish so badly that I could go back and hug that kid that I was right now! I realize now that I began to take everything seriously and to heart after my brothers suicide(I was 20 when it happened)! Nothing was funny anymore! Instead of laughing at the absurdity that came out of her mouth.. I internalized it! I often times believed it! Which leads me to my question. Is it ok to do what I did that day...or is that stooping to her level? I want so desperately to be nothing like her...but taking the high road with her buries me! I dont make fun of other people...its not who I am...Thank God! And Im not that way because Ive seen what a disgusting trait it is in both her and my father! But Im going to admit this to you... I feel some satisfaction in the laughter when it comes to her! And the silent treatment Im getting from this is the best gift Ive gotten in a LONG time! Does anyone have any insight about this topic? Thanks!

[TelHill]

Yes, Humor is my primary way to let out steam about being abused. I’m good with telling jokes and have been told I have good comic timing. Take my mother, please!

My mom ridiculed/s me very much. It’s hard to withstand. I tried to do it back at her as a kid, but she was so vicious in her retort. It was similar to Joe Pesci’s in the movie Goodfellas - How am I funny scene.     I never tried again. 

One-upping her with humor may keep you tangled up with the dysfunctional family dynamics. You want to detach & grow away from her.

Read the tips and tools at this site how to heal from the abuse. It will help you to detach from her and live a happy life with less tension and stress.   

[Lstrayed]

Thanks for the response, and you are totally right! I think I already knew this! If Im being honest with myself Im really just wanting to push her away at this point! I know that if I act like a jerk she will run away(at least for a little while) and have a drama to feed on and to tell to anyone who will listen! It doesn't even matter to me anymore.. Im just so exhausted from dealing with her! I relate to the Goodfellas scene comparison... I've never been able to go toe to toe with mine either...she truly is viscous! Your movie comparison reminded me of the first time I watched the Disney movie Tangled with my son, I was in shock at the depiction of the mother! At the time I didnt know about bpd or npd! It felt like someone based the character solely off of my mother! She always uses "Im kidding" or "oh please it was a joke" followed by telling me Im just "SO sensitive" as justifications for being abusive! When I read Stop Walking On Eggshells I cried  because I finally understood FOR SURE that it wasn't me! Im glad this situation unfolded the way it did because Im realizing that...at least for right now... I dont have it in me to have her around. I have always tried to be the bigger person with her, especially once I realized that this is a disorder that she cant control...but I dont seem to be in the mindset to do that right now. However, the revelation that came from this and the memories that came with it were a blessing to me. I would bet that most everyone can probably relate to that! The fact that I was able to break away the way that I did as a teenager amazes me! I was given no guidance or tools to survive and yet I did! Im learning to stop beating up on myself for allowing her back in, I truly felt at the time that I had to take care of her after my brothers death..that it was my "job" since I was her only kid left! It was wrong and it wasnt my job then or now! I look forward to reconnecting to parts of that spirited girl that I once was! I would like to learn once again to stop taking her and the situation so seriously all of the time. However, I agree that the one upping will ultimately keep me tangled in a web that I desperately no longer want to be a part of! Thanks!

[Spindle0516]

! She always uses "Im kidding" or "oh please it was a joke" followed by telling me Im just "SO sensitive" as justifications for being abusive! 

My husband's family is very funny- my husband is one of the funniest people I know. He definitely grew up in an environment where humor was used as a coping mechanism to deal with uBPD mom and alcoholic dad.

But I have noticed that his family will often use humor in harsh and demeaning ways, especially his mom. My husband doesn't use humor to diminish other people, but at times to diminish himself. He doesn't do it as much anymore, but it isn't necessarily unusual.

Anyway, my MIL does the exact same thing as your mom. She can say really mean and hateful things, and if I get upset, she goes on and on about how sensitive I am and that she cannot joke about anything with us. And if you try and joke around in a similar fashion with her, she looks like a wounded animal. I've started saying that if it isn't funny for everyone, it isn't funny.

All that to say, I know how awful that joking game they play feels. It's for the birds, isn't it?

Also, I love Tangled.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm sorry your mom has hurt you this way.  My H and I use humor all the time to lighten heavy moods and talk about difficult things. Funny memes are my absolute favorite pastime! Humor's a great tool in the right hands but you're right, it can be an excuse to hurt.

Anyway, my MIL does the exact same thing as your mom. She can say really mean and hateful things, and if I get upset, she goes on and on about how sensitive I am and that she cannot joke about anything with us. And if you try and joke around in a similar fashion with her, she looks like a wounded animal. I've started saying that if it isn't funny for everyone, it isn't funny.

Same here. MIL announced that she and her son (my H) decided that she would move in with us. I could have destroyed her by cracking a "joke" about how H and I already decided to put her in assisted living. Instead I calmly pointed out that it was a decision that H and I should make, and we had already agreed it wouldn't happen. She trumped any emotion of mine with her own, saying I was just insecure, the whole thing was a big joke anyway, why couldn't I take a joke. It wasn't a joke. It wasn't funny, and it wasn't intended to be. It was a power play, a way for her to say what she wanted to without consequences.

Not sure there's a wrong or right, but maybe effective and ineffective? healthy and unhealthy?

Love Tangled too, but the Emperor's New Groove is my fav.