Do you quickly forget confrontation details (even though you don't want to)?

[Navigator2]

Hi. This is my first post.

I am in a long term relationship with an UpwBPD. For the longest time I thought I was the problem in the relationship because that is what I had been told so many times. Then about 4 years ago a therapist told me my SO probably has BPD. Knowing it was not all me was a relief, but I was blown away when I read about BPD and how it explained what had been happening for so many years.

I have a question (I have many questions, but this is a good one to start). Do you experience a rapid memory fade of the often surreal details of an argument with your pwBPD? Unless I write down what happened my brain seems to want to forget what happened as soon as possible.

The confrontations have been particularly bad lately, so I have been writing a lot. After 48 hours the memory of the conflict seems distant, almost unreal. The more circular the arguments or stranger the accusations the harder they are to remember. If another conflict has happened in the mean time the previous details fade even faster.

Thank you for considering my question.

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[GreenHusband24]

Hello, I am new to this site and new to experiencing a relationship with a UpwBPD. Your experience makes complete sense to me. I had a similar experience with my wife reacting as if I was the problem in the relationship (she said I might be the cause of her depression) and it felt like I was based on her reactions, but it didn’t make sense to me. My counselor suggested she had splitting tendencies and suggested resources for partners who are with pwBPD. As I started reading it all made sense to me.

 I often find myself trying to remember what happened in recent arguments (it seems like an argument, but it’s more of the “BorderLion” reaction that’s intense, confusing, and Defensive) so I’ve been writing it down after they happen as a means to record and to self soothe. With past arguments, I feel like I know they happened, but can’t exactly remember to give a detailed account.

 I feel the whiplash of the emotional roller coaster ride she puts me through leaves me with head trauma where I get easily confused with remembering details. I am afraid to relive the intensity of how it made me feel. This site has been helpful for me. Because it gives verbiage to what I am experiencing and can’t find to words to explain.

[SinisterComplex]

You both are victims of projections. All of what the disordered individuals were feeling was pushed off onto you. This is why you essentially suffered cognitive dissonance.

As a consequence you can definitely suffer or go through what the disordered individual goes through which is emotional amnesia. Additionally, this is more or less the process of you being gas lighted.

The good news...you are not crazy and you are not alone. What you are feeling and what you are thinking is textbook and quite common when you have been subjected to dealing with a disordered individual.

Never doubt your view of reality. Never doubt the events that took place. Also, moving forward...work on setting strong boundaries. Take back control and work on controlling yourself. In these relationships all you can do is control you and work on you. 

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[jaded7]

I just want to chime in and second your feelings in your original post.

The 'arguments' are so, so confusing. They seem to come out of nowhere, I have no idea what I've 'done', but always she is 'mad' at something. Very often it's related to completely misunderstanding my intent in something. It seems to be done on purpose, in order to mad at me. I can remember saying to her it seems like you have story in your head about some situation, and then you force the situation to fit your pre-existing story- about me, about who I am, about my intentions. It is SO baffling.

After 'arguments' like those above I have found myself walking alone at 4:00 in the morning trying to make some sense of what she said, why she was 'mad', how in the world she could so misinterpret what I did or didn't do to set it off. How she could not hear me-at all- when I tried to explain it to her, point out facts, point out how she is not using facts, point out how she just changed the facts she previously used...I have written about these over and over in journals in order to try to make sense of these conversations. My most recent journal is 200 pages and almost full.

I use 'arguments' in with these apostrophes becuase they are not arguments about disagreeing on how to do anything or plan anything. They are accusations and attacks and about demeaning who I am and I end up defending myself and pointing out that wasn't my intention, that's not what I did, that's not what we agreed, etc.

She believes if I point out, gently, anything that she did hurt my feelings, isn't what we agreed to, or is confusing to me about her behavior "I'm starting an argument". That's how she sees and describes it.

On a night that we had planned to stay at my house, had written in our calendar weeks before, she 'forgot' we had planned it (this after yelling at me for months for 'not remembering' nonexistent plans that she never told me about, 'not prioritizing our relationship' therefore, and being a "child" for not keeping a calendar) I gently said "but we had it on the calendar, we did it together, and it hurts my feelings that your forgot it", just last week I tried to talk to her about and she said "Oh, that night you started an argument at midnight".

She was awaiting very serious test results on her health, she finally called me back after several days of ignoring me, she was surly and short I asked her about the tests and she said "I don't want to talk about this now" I said ok, then she said "I'm gonna go" I said "you do, it'd be nice to talk a little more" and she responded "now you're just trying to start an argument"

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Navigator-

Welcome to our community.  I’m glad you’ve found us, but sorry for what brings you here.  I do hope you’ll stick around and post more.  There are people here who truly understand what you’re experiencing in your relationship with your BPDw.  I’m sorry for your pain and confusion.

As far as your question re:  the rapid “memory fade”, my personal response is a loud “yes”... for years and years I experienced the same feelings of very very quick “forgive and forget”.  However my forgiveness was silently granted with no apologies requested.  I simply “forgot” what had really taken place. 

I believe this is DISASSOCIATION, rather than “cognitive dissonance”.  The former is where the memory is involved, and you forget to basically “protect” yourself.  There can be a whole lot more to it.  The latter, I believe is where your beliefs are at odds with your behavior, so there is disharmony in your head.

During certain times during my 19-year emotionally abusive marriage, I recall a few times actually saying out loud to myself - “I HAVE to remember I FEEL like this.”  So I could TRY to recall what my H had done.  He was NPD (with BPD traits) and a bad man.

I have now been out of the marriage for 8 years.  My current uBPDbf is actually a good man.  I’ve been with him for over 6 years.  Now I journal to remember things that take place.  And because of changes I’ve made and his responses, our relationship and communication has improved 100%.

I hope some of this helps you.  Please feel free to ask for any clarification and to share more of your thoughts, feelings and your journey.

This is a safe space for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Adrian26]

Yes, I completely agree. I'm very grateful for you sharing this here.
I had trouble defining the reason for my incoherent thoughts and emotions after fights/discussions. I thought it was me.

Like mentioned above, I believe its indeed because we try to process arguments/events with a neurotypical brain, while the BPD is wired differently. We cannot logically connect some dots, we lack information, we might have not seen emotions boiling up until that very moment. The gaps in our explanation is filled in with confusion, and on its own the little dots we do understand are easier to forget since theyre not part of a coherent framework.