Hello, Samwise! Welcome to the family!
You've definitely come to the right place. I can tell you that what you wrote is so familiar to me both in my own life and in other stories I've read here. You're not alone. Believe me.
It's so exhausting to feel like the functioning adult in the marriage, isn't it? I've felt that way with my H. The other day, my H said to me, "You're just miles above me, maturity-wise." I thought (but didn't say), "Yeah, no kidding."
I can only confide so much in my family because I’m afraid they will judge or think poorly of him.
Smart move. I learned that lesson the hard way.
So much better to use the community here as an outlet -- and a therapist if you have one. (I do, and she's been a huge help as well.)
Your list of behaviors certainly fits BPD. Will he get a diagnosis? Maybe. Maybe not. It's notoriously difficult to diagnose and there are some therapists who refuse to treat it. But, you're in luck. Even without a diagnosis, there are skills and tools you can learn here that can help you. My own H has never been diagnosed, but with the help of the family here, I've been able to make some changes in myself and our relationship has improved a lot.
One of the big things I learned was that I was inadvertently making things worse by using poor communication techniques. Perhaps when you feel like it, you could share a bit more? Maybe give us a recent example of an incident -- a he said/she said play-by-play. Getting a handle on the dynamics and how these exchanges typically go helps us help you trouble-shoot and look for ways you might improve things.
Keep posting!
