trickysister

[Depression = 72% of members]

My sister (65) has always been tricky to deal with and has effected my sense of self in a negative way for ever(I'm 62).We've just lost our 95 year old mum,so obviously all emotions are raw and we are all sad and stressed. I'm struggling with the grief of loosing mum,but my sisters behavior is making it so very much more difficult. So after yet another  30 minute 'rant' from her at 7am. this morning,I described some of her personality traits and found this site. I don't know how I feel right now-maybe this at last is going to help us(another sister and a brother,as well as my difficult sister's daughter-and other family members) make some sense of this really hard relationship. J has always been trobled. At 4 she would be excited to be dressed up to go to a friends party,but when confronted with the other children at the party-couldn't stay. I remember her on the school bus sitting alone looking so black that my friends used to ask me what was wrong with my sister. In her early 20's she would sit in the lounge all after noon in a black silent mood-quite scarey. I've often wished our parents had sought professional help for her-but it just wasn't an awareness of that type of thing in those days(in our family anyway). J trained as a radiographer,moved out to share with a girl from work,which she quickly couldn't ''stand''. Before she decided that she went to St.Tropez with this girl-but hated every minute and couldn't wait to get home. J did about 16 months as a radiographer but ledft after a surgeon told her to hurry up. She's not really worked since. She married a dope dealer and moved up to the north of Scotland to 'get away from people' and has been there ever since.
J has had several relationships with some 'dodgy' men ( drugs/alcohol) which have been short lived and always followed the same pattern. To begin with they are idolised,and within a few months she is threatening to saw their knee caps off with a chain saw. She drank an awful lot when her two children were young which resulted in the older boy going to live with his father. J told me a few months ago that every morning when she wakes up she cries because of guilt and shame about how she was then. J never forgets past, perceived hurt and seems obsessed with this.
The past few years I have found J so destructive to my own mental health -she will twist the nicest comment/offer of help/scenario into something bad.She is very manipulative and seems obsessed with bad things that she will go into great detail about(pedophilia/global destruction...)etc.She will put her two fingers in her mouth to feign throwing up behind peoples back (especially if their being nice) name call,just twists EVERYTHING into something awful.A few years ago my mum(then 92} went up to live with her. That is a whole nother story as I wanted mumto live with us-but J said I was too ill to do it(I'm diabetic - and very fit!). Anyway-anysuggestion -or even interst I showed in arrangements sent J ballistic. I had a breakdown over this as I felt left out completely-no involvement of any decisions for me and my recovered alcoholic brother(J is of the opinion that B is not worth it). I do also resent the fact that J and my other sister(but it was organised by J) got Power of attorney for mum-about 12 years ago. I know I should have explored what that meant more-but I believed all that J told me about it at the time.Since then -any decisions about my mums care was taken by J without any discussion with my brother and I. I did find this so difficult-as I felt I';d already lost my mum-that I had a breakdown.I did write to the Gaurdian's problem page about it-but everybody just always thinks it's about money-even J-nobody seems to see beyond that.Sorry-going off a bit here.
J is so toxic I am struggling.Mum died 7 days ago.J -whom I am trying to support in her grief-will not stop telling me negative things about mum. She actually hears offers of help (which she won't accept) and twists it. It's as though she has auditory distortion-she always has had,to put it in a nut shell-J takes everything as a perceived attack-will distort the truth-and the react defensively. One of the hardest things is how she tell other people the distortions -this has caused family rifts and many mis-understandings. i know I can't control her telling people lies about me-and I've often made myself quite ill in the past trying to work out how to run behind her(metaphorically) to give my version. I guess(and sorry for such a long winded post) wondering if J could actaully have uBPD. or something?My other family members have often tried to protect ourselves by saying that she is mentaly unstable and to keep this in mind when she's saying poisonous things about us behind our backs-but it is so toxic it leaves it's mark.
I have tried over the years to seek some help but she thinks that's rubbish.Thank you.

[sallyseren]

My sister (65) has always been tricky to deal with and has effected my sense of self in a negative way for ever(I'm 62).We've just lost our 95 year old mum,so obviously all emotions are raw and we are all sad and stressed. I'm struggling with the grief of loosing mum,but my sisters behavior is making it so very much more difficult. So after yet another  30 minute 'rant' from her at 7am. this morning,I described some of her personality traits and found this site. I don't know how I feel right now-maybe this at last is going to help us(another sister and a brother,as well as my difficult sister's daughter-and other family members) make some sense of this really hard relationship. J has always been trobled. At 4 she would be excited to be dressed up to go to a friends party,but when confronted with the other children at the party-couldn't stay. I remember her on the school bus sitting alone looking so black that my friends used to ask me what was wrong with my sister. In her early 20's she would sit in the lounge all after noon in a black silent mood-quite scarey. I've often wished our parents had sought professional help for her-but it just wasn't an awareness of that type of thing in those days(in our family anyway). J trained as a radiographer,moved out to share with a girl from work,which she quickly couldn't ''stand''. Before she decided that she went to St.Tropez with this girl-but hated every minute and couldn't wait to get home. J did about 16 months as a radiographer but ledft after a surgeon told her to hurry up. She's not really worked since. She married a dope dealer and moved up to the north of Scotland to 'get away from people' and has been there ever since.
J has had several relationships with some 'dodgy' men ( drugs/alcohol) which have been short lived and always followed the same pattern. To begin with they are idolised,and within a few months she is threatening to saw their knee caps off with a chain saw. She drank an awful lot when her two children were young which resulted in the older boy going to live with his father. J told me a few months ago that every morning when she wakes up she cries because of guilt and shame about how she was then. J never forgets past, perceived hurt and seems obsessed with this.
The past few years I have found J so destructive to my own mental health -she will twist the nicest comment/offer of help/scenario into something bad.She is very manipulative and seems obsessed with bad things that she will go into great detail about(pedophilia/global destruction...)etc.She will put her two fingers in her mouth to feign throwing up behind peoples back (especially if their being nice) name call,just twists EVERYTHING into something awful.A few years ago my mum(then 92} went up to live with her. That is a whole nother story as I wanted mumto live with us-but J said I was too ill to do it(I'm diabetic - and very fit!). Anyway-anysuggestion -or even interst I showed in arrangements sent J ballistic. I had a breakdown over this as I felt left out completely-no involvement of any decisions for me and my recovered alcoholic brother(J is of the opinion that B is not worth it). I do also resent the fact that J and my other sister(but it was organised by J) got Power of attorney for mum-about 12 years ago. I know I should have explored what that meant more-but I believed all that J told me about it at the time.Since then -any decisions about my mums care was taken by J without any discussion with my brother and I. I did find this so difficult-as I felt I';d already lost my mum-that I had a breakdown.I did write to the Gaurdian's problem page about it-but everybody just always thinks it's about money-even J-nobody seems to see beyond that.Sorry-going off a bit here.
J is so toxic I am struggling.Mum died 7 days ago.J -whom I am trying to support in her grief-will not stop telling me negative things about mum. She actually hears offers of help (which she won't accept) and twists it. It's as though she has auditory distortion-she always has had,to put it in a nut shell-J takes everything as a perceived attack-will distort the truth-and the react defensively. One of the hardest things is how she tell other people the distortions -this has caused family rifts and many mis-understandings. i know I can't control her telling people lies about me-and I've often made myself quite ill in the past trying to work out how to run behind her(metaphorically) to give my version. I guess(and sorry for such a long winded post) wondering if J could actaully have uBPD. or something?My other family members have often tried to protect ourselves by saying that she is mentaly unstable and to keep this in mind when she's saying poisonous things about us behind our backs-but it is so toxic it leaves it's mark.
I have tried over the years to seek some help but she thinks that's rubbish.Thank you.

[pursuingJoy]

sallyseren, hello  warm welcome to bpdfamily! 

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your mum. Please accept my condolences. What a heavy, heavy loss. I know you're trying to help your sister through this. How are you caring for yourself? 

So after yet another  30 minute 'rant' from her at 7am. this morning,I described some of her personality traits and found this site.

I remember how overwhelmed/relieved/horrified/hopeful I felt discovering BPD for the first time 6 months ago. My H and I went to therapy after years of dealing with my MIL's lack of boundaries and neediness and emotional outbursts. The T suggested to me that it sounds like BPD. I'm still new to this but I've learned so much about how to manage on this site. If you're up for reading a book, check out Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I have tried over the years to seek some help but she thinks that's rubbish.

It's not, though. Seeking help takes wisdom and courage (so bravo to you  ) and it's the best thing you can do for yourself and your family.

We're here and we care, sallyseren. Please share more when you can and let us know how we can help.

pj