Dealing with unjustified anger

[Inquisitive1]

On 1/25 my dBPDw got very angry at me for putting salad dressing on the salad I made for dinner because she is dieting and doesn’t want the kind of salad dressing. My pointing out there was more undressed salad in the fridge did not help. As she repeatedly berated me for dressing the salad, I got angry (I made the whole dinner) and said some other things that became the new focus of her anger. I approached her saying I wanted to make up, but she stayed angry all night. The next morning we talked briefly about the things I had said that upset her, I apologized for saying them, and things went back to normal. I didn’t bring up the salad dressing anger that started the incident. I know that letting myself get angry when she’s angry is a mistake.

Last night, I gave a female coworker a ride to the mechanic right around the corner from our house and my wife got enraged about that. The coworker is an attractive, younger woman so I can understand a bit of jealousy, but my relationship with the coworker is strictly professional and this is just one ride. I had forgotten that my wife previously got angry when I simply told this coworker about our mechanic, which I really do not understand. Giving the coworker a ride was so innocent, it didn’t occur to me it might upset my wife. This time I stayed calm, but her anger did not abate. She stayed angry all evening berating me repeatedly. At one point in the evening I agreed to not give this coworker or other younger women a ride again. This bother me, I want a relationship with coworkers—male of female—where we give each other rides. Later that evening, she thought the cat had gotten out, I found the cat, she thanked me, but then immediately made a comment about giving the coworker a ride. This morning she got up earlier than usual, was still angry, and kicked me out of the family room where I usually do some exercises. We didn’t speak after that, except for me saying goodbye as I went out the door. The ball’s in her court in terms of initiating the next communication.

It is uncommon for her to have two outbreaks like this, it is likely to related to the pressure she feels since she got a new client (a younger handsome man BTW). Regarding both incidents, my wife’s repeatedly mentioned that I ignored what was important to her. I do not intend to apologize for giving the coworker a ride. If asked, I’ll confirm that I won’t give the young female coworkers a ride —though I feel that is an unreasonable request on my wife’s part. Other than that, I’m not sure what to do. I guess this will run its course and I’ll try to be supportive, but I’m not happy with her behavior or her demands. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RufusTFirefly]

I don't know if I can give you advice, as I'm dealing with similar issues, but I just wanted to let you know that everything you're doing sounds perfectly reasonable to me and it's not your job to manage her emotions (though sometimes we can get caught up in them). Good luck and hopefully others can offer some helpful suggestions.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi Inquisitive!

What do you think stresses her about having a new client?  It does sound she's had a rough time lately. How are you holding up?

My H loves to work out and when we married, he promised me that he wouldn't train women, for personal reasons that he stated. I didn't ask him to do that, but I agreed it was a good idea.

Fast forward, a mutual coworker asked him to train her and he agreed. I was more uncomfortable that he was breaking a promise he thought was important. I reminded him of his promise, and he said he would explain it to her and stop. After 6 months of a circular conversation with him, I ended up speaking to her. He was relieved he didn't have to do it, very poor boundaries on my H's part.

In my example there was a former agreement that he offered, then violated. Was that the case with you? And I think I understand, but what is upsetting about her demand?