Trying To Make Sense Of Wanting To Take Care Of Her After Such Abusive Treatment

[jaded7]

As some of you may know, I've been going through a very rough patch with my gf of 2 years. I started with a thread "Or...leave. Don't know what to do" I've also posted in some other threads as well. I should also say that I'm currently reading SWOE

I recognize that much of my posting has been very long and full of great detail and that is has come from a place of wanting- needing- validation that I'm not crazy, that these things that have happened are indeed not nice, painful. And maybe that I"m a good person. You all have been very helpful to me to not feel alone and I appreciate if very much- especially Ozzie who's been a trouper for me. I realize that my posts sound rambling and obsessive- they were/are. That's how my brain works, I ruminate and go over and over these things trying to make sense of them and I"m in just gigantic pain right now, especially since our 2 year anniversary is Sunday.

My question here is WHY do I want to take care of her, even now after the horrible treatment, leaving me alone on Christmas, and the terrible names she called me last week? WHY do I want to go give her a hug and tell her everything will be alright? I really feel a very deep and strong need to comfort her. I'v compared her in the past after various episodes to an injured animal in the woods that bites and kicks you when you try to help it.

I'm realizing that I've really felt bad for her when she explodes because I don't think anyone who is well would do that. I've also felt very bad for her because she told me that her ex-husband was an NPD abuser. I've felt bad for her because she told me her ex-husband spread 'lies' about her far and wide on the Internet and made her an outcast in her circle of friends. I've felt bad for her because she's a single Mom. And I've always wanted to take care of her, but she seemed to set up tests and no-win situations to make me prove I could take care of her. Very hard for her to ask for what she wants/needs, etc.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

My question here is WHY do I want to take care of her, even now after the horrible treatment, leaving me alone on Christmas, and the terrible names she called me last week?

specifically, what happened?

its natural to want to take care of a loved one.

regarding your unique situation, it could be more complicated.

[jaded7]

specifically, what happened?

its natural to want to take care of a loved one.

regarding your unique situation, it could be more complicated.

I've got a long thread on what happened, but suffice it to say that our relationship over the last year has been filled with episodes of ghosting from her, follow by 'I love yous" followed by completely out of the blue raging episodes, manipulations and evasiveness. Even early in the relationship there were very strange behaviors to me involving mind reading expectations, snapping, out of control yelling, withholding sex for months and months, gaslighting about almost anything...

Perhaps I should take that original post and put it at the end of my long thread.

[Ozzie101]

Jaded, have you heard of or read anything about trauma bonding? It's a common component to abusive relationships. That and FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt).

[jaded7]

Yes, I have heard of trauma bonding and have read a bit on it. As I understand it, it's caused by intermittent reinforcement. Anger and accusations that create fear of abandonment or just hurt, then small moments of kindness or attention that relieve the pain.

Toward the end of the fall, it got to the point of such ignoring me and disappearing for days that I was grateful to get a condescending lecture in Instagram stories about how bad one of my posts was. "Well, at least she cares enough to belittle me". This was, of course, during times she was saying she was too busy to see me, respond to texts or call me. Confusing and bewildering.

I remember thinking, this isn't good. I'm happy that she at least communicated with me even though it's belittling and condescending?

[Ozzie101]

No, it's not good. But it is good that you're able to see that it's not good. (How's that for confusing?)

[jaded7]

Yes. I understand. And it was Instagram direct messages, not stories.

I'm really diving into the sexual abuse again. I thought I had it handled. I thought it was ok to be sexual with someone again (first in 10 years). I thought I had done everything right this time

I told her before we ever met that I was sexually abused as a boy, it has caused me great pain, and I ended up depressed and at a psych hospital for a month after the last relationship (short story, previous gf came over to use me for sex one time, the first and only time in over a year she had come to my place during the day even though she worked 2 blocks freelancing, dumped me the very next day. It crushed me.)

I told her that I needed sex to be connecting and loving and slow. As I mentioned before her immediate response to that was "and we can have quickies"

Sex with her became, as I've outlined elsewhere, very disconnected, very objectifying ( I felt like a 'tool') coupled with angry snapping and lectures. Literal lectures that were condescending.

THIS is at the heart of my total dysfunction right now.