How to handle a push from a GF you want to keep.

[cosmical]

Hi BPD Family,

I would like to know what to do what a partner with BPD tells you that they are no good for anyone, they need to work on themselves, and they can't handle being in a relationship at the same time. She says she loves me and needs space, and that it was a painful decision, but this is only the end if I make it. This occurred after an extended period of hypersensitivity towards me. This happened a week ago and we haven't spoken since (we are LDR, together for 8 months, met twice).

I'm really struggling to know how I should process this. I love her and I'm feeling quite heartbroken right now. I don't know if I should wait for her to comeback, if I should fight for her, or if I should prepare myself mentally for moving on.

I want to do what's best for her, but at the same time I don't want to lose her. I'm committed to working through the issues of BPD with her and I don't blame her when it manifests. I'm a very patient person, who she can rely on to be consistent, and she's told me before that I'm the perfect partner for BPD. But now, she needs to be alone to fix it, something doesn't add up.

I'm fairly certain that there is some degree of self defence involved. She perceives the relationship as declining, and she wants to avoid abandonment, even though there was zero chance of it. It was frightening how cold she quickly turned towards me, as if I was already a distant memory.

The last thing I said to her was that I love her and I'll be here for her when she's ready. I don't know if this is what I was *supposed* to say, but at the end of the day I care about her and I'm not interested in saying anything cold/spiteful just to play on her emotions.

This happened once before, early in our relationship, and she came back within a few days. This time feels different though. It's been a week and I don't know if she is expecting me to reach out, or if reaching out will only drive her away more.

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[itsmeSnap]

She perceives the relationship as declining, and she wants to avoid abandonment, even though there was zero chance of it.

What makes you think that?

It was frightening how cold she quickly turned towards me, as if I was already a distant memory.

I've seen that up close myself and I can totally relate. In my case, I can pinpoint the exact moment that caused it, and I can't say it was unjustified, even if the circumstances that led to it were blown out of proportion.

What happened the first time? Can you think of something similar happening this time?

[cosmical]

What makes you think that?

Things have been a little strained lately. She's been getting increasingly hypersensitive towards me and I as patient as I try to be, I felt like it was affecting me to the point that I had to make her aware of it. She didn't actively say that things were declining, but if I had to assign some reason to her actions, other than what she told me, then that would be it.

What happened the first time? Can you think of something similar happening this time?

The first time was early in the relationship when I brought up serious plans to meet her

I've wracked my brain and nothing similar has happened this time. In fact, we met a couple of weeks back and things went reasonably well. But now she feels unfit to be with me, or with anyone.

[itsmeSnap]

I brought up serious plans to meet her

Happened to me too, I know exactly what you mean.

I've wracked my brain and nothing similar has happened this time

Just today I was talking to my bpdex about the circumstances of our last breakup. We've been on off for a while, but this time it seemed serious enough. Long story short, she had major problems with a jealous ex, and the easiest way to get out of that was to not see me anymore, similarly to your case, right after the best week we've ever had in two years.

When I came here I also tried figuring it out, spent a year just coming to terms with it. So after a year she contacts me again, she has a new boyfriend, we become friends.

Back to today, I asked her why she didn't lean on me when she had trouble. She said her coworker (now bf) was there for her everyday at work, so "it was natural" that they ended up together: she found him annoying at first because obviously she was having a bad time, but he was close by, she had to physically be there at work (unlike me which we had to plan it), and they had to spend time together at work so it was just a case of a series of (un)fortunate circumstances for her.

My point is, sometimes you take all the right steps and still things don't line up to what we want.

I'm not saying it happened in your case, just letting you know, as I would have liked past me to have heard and get confirmation on: its probably, most definitely not about something you did or didn't do.

Anyway, here on the board can help guide you through what to do when/if she contacts you again. Because I know its not what you'd want to hear, but trying to win her back will probably cause some pushback from her if she doesn't feel ready.

But now she feels unfit to be with me, or with anyone.

Sounds like you two discussed this, care to say how it happened? What did she say about feeling unfit?

[cosmical]

Sounds like you two discussed this, care to say how it happened? What did she say about feeling unfit?

Yes, we discussed it although the conversation was very brief. It caught me off guard, I didn't see it coming, and before I know it we were saying goodbye.

She said she was looking at relationship help online. Looking at threads about snapping parterns with short temper. She came to the conclusion from reading this that she was borderline abusive and that she was failing in her treatments. She said she loves me but she is no good for anyone and that she needs to work on herself.

I knew she was "unwell" from the moment I met her. I chose to be with her and support her. The good was always worth the bad to me, no question. She called me her "crutch" that was preventing her from getting better, because having me made things ok. She said separating from me would be her incentive to be more dedicated to her treatment.

I didn't really fight. I never hold it against her when she snaps at me, but at the same time I try to set boundaries. It has gotten pretty bad recently. I want her to keep up with her therapy, I want her to get to a better place, so it felt really disingenous to suggest that she was completely fine and never ever hurt me. So I just kinda went along with her reasoning. I told her I respected her decision and that I'd be here for her when she finds self-love.

It's been a week now since last contact. I've been really struggling not to reach out. I want to tell her that I've always accepted the good and the bad with her, I never blame her for her temper, and I want to be her reason to improve WHILE I am with her.

Now I've been reading more about BPD and lack of object permanence, I just feel like not saying anything is akin to drifting away in her mind, and the longer I remain quiet, the more I'm reinforcing the idea that she needs to be alone.

I have no reason to think that she has found someone else. Although being LDR you can't ever rule that out.

I want to out of this relationship purgatory, but if I come to her with some kind of ultimatum it's going to be easy for her to paint me black.

[Rev]

I knew she was "unwell" from the moment I met her. I chose to be with her and support her. The good was always worth the bad to me, no question. She called me her "crutch" that was preventing her from getting better, because having me made things ok. She said separating from me would be her incentive to be more dedicated to her treatment.

It's been a week now since last contact. I've been really struggling not to reach out. I want to tell her that I've always accepted the good and the bad with her, I never blame her for her temper, and I want to be her reason to improve WHILE I am with her.

Now I've been reading more about BPD and lack of object permanence, I just feel like not saying anything is akin to drifting away in her mind, and the longer I remain quiet, the more I'm reinforcing the idea that she needs to be alone.

I want to out of this relationship purgatory, but if I come to her with some kind of ultimatum it's going to be easy for her to paint me black.

Hello my friend,

I happened along this thread... boy does it sound like my relationship.

If she does have BPD, at some point in time, you will be painted black - let back in - painted black - let back - push/pull - I hate you/don't leave me. It's that dynamic that is the purgatory.

My T asked me two really strait on questions - 1) Do you think it's treatable? 2) Are you up for what it's going to take realizing she may not have what it takes?

I'm going to ask you the same question.

My sense is you already have the answer - you just need the faith to sit with it - one way or another.

Key is to go in the direction you choose with your eyes wide open.

Good luck.

rev

[cosmical]

My T asked me two really strait on questions - 1) Do you think it's treatable? 2) Are you up for what it's going to take realizing she may not have what it takes?

I'm going to ask you the same question.

My sense is you already have the answer - you just need the faith to sit with it - one way or another.

Thank you for your input friend. I truly believe she is making progress. I've been consuming a lot of threads here over the past few days and fortunately she is much more self aware about her BPD than most, and has a strong desire to "fix" herself. Painting me black here comes from the belief that she can't fix herself while she is in a relationship, it is, apparently, too much for her. I am guilty by "convincing" her to be in a relationship by being so "handsome" and so "patient", etc. She said that this is the cause of her recent resentment against me, and I believe this to be true as it's what she said to me the first time I was pushed.

She is in therapy and on medication and I do believe she has what it takes. I really do care about her and while the feeling of purgatory sucks, I can endure it if there is progress being made. I've made this choice and will try to have faith in it.

Are you able to say any more about how the process of being unpainted and being let back in occurs? Is it something I have to press for with an unprompted declaration of love, a simple "I miss you, how are you?", by conjuring a vivid reminder of the good times, or is it some burning, uncontrollable impulse that will originate entirely from her mind when she is ready and that I have absolutely no control of? Should I stay relevant in her day to day life, or make myself as scarce as possible? Current I'm laying low and respecting her wish for space. I've recited what I would say to her in my head countless times, but I haven't broken the silence. It would be so much easier to think clearly right now if I knew I was doing the best thing.

[Rev]

Thank you for your input friend. I truly believe she is making progress. I've been consuming a lot of threads here over the past few days and fortunately she is much more self aware about her BPD than most, and has a strong desire to "fix" herself. Painting me black here comes from the belief that she can't fix herself while she is in a relationship, it is, apparently, too much for her. I am guilty by "convincing" her to be in a relationship by being so "handsome" and so "patient", etc. She said that this is the cause of her recent resentment against me, and I believe this to be true as it's what she said to me the first time I was pushed.

She is in therapy and on medication and I do believe she has what it takes. I really do care about her and while the feeling of purgatory sucks, I can endure it if there is progress being made. I've made this choice and will try to have faith in it.

Are you able to say any more about how the process of being unpainted and being let back in occurs? Is it something I have to press for with an unprompted declaration of love, a simple "I miss you, how are you?", by conjuring a vivid reminder of the good times, or is it some burning, uncontrollable impulse that will originate entirely from her mind when she is ready and that I have absolutely no control of? Should I stay relevant in her day to day life, or make myself as scarce as possible? Current I'm laying low and respecting her wish for space. I've recited what I would say to her in my head countless times, but I haven't broken the silence. It would be so much easier to think clearly right now if I knew I was doing the best thing.

I'm going to think about this a bit - because now it becomes very contextual.  In the meantime - have you read or listened to "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?  It's available for free on you-tube.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=stop+walking+on+eggshells+youtube&&view=detail&mid=AEC27955A39F1E695CAEAEC27955A39F1E695CAE&&FORM=VRDGAR&ru=%2Fvideos%2Fsearch%3Fq%3Dstop%2520walking%2520on%2520eggshells%2520youtube%26qs%3Dn%26form%3DQBVR%26sp%3D-1%26pq%3Dstop%2520wa

You should.

Rev

[cosmical]

I'm going to think about this a bit - because now it becomes very contextual.  In the meantime - have you read or listened to "Stop Walking on Eggshells"?  It's available for free on you-tube.

Thanks. I've seen that recommended a few times. I'll make a start.

[cosmical]

I'm thinking that if I do reach out it should be to tell her that I'm working on myself to be the most supportive partner I can be and also developing my coping mechanisms (i.e. stop walking on eggshells), so that she can focus on her own treatment without worrying about whether she is good or bad for me.

Ultimately her healing, whether she decides to attend her therapy appointments etc, is on her, but I can work to be the best partner I can be and as we are both responsible for the relationship.

Real growth and development needs to come from this. I want to show her that I'm committed.

If that pushes her away more then well I wouldn't blame myself.

[cosmical]

I'm thinking that if I do reach out it should be to tell her that I'm working on myself to be the most supportive partner I can be and also developing my coping mechanisms (i.e. stop walking on eggshells), so that she can focus on her own treatment without worrying about whether she is good or bad for me.

Ultimately her healing, whether she decides to attend her therapy appointments etc, is on her, but I can work to be the best partner I can be and as we are both responsible for the relationship.

Real growth and development needs to come from this. I want to show her that I'm committed.

If that pushes her away more then well I wouldn't blame myself.

Well I did it, and I'm happy about it. Let's see how it goes

[cosmical]

Well we had a long talk and she officially ended it. She said that she liked how I made her feel at the start of the relationship but that wasn't her... she was just trying to be that way for me. She said she needs to work on herself and that she is planning to be with no one for a long time. She said me wanting to work on being her best partner made her feel guilty, that I shouldn't have to do that, that I should be focusing on myself. Basically the relationship wasn't working for her because she couldn't love herself in it and she wants to just be friends.

I'm heartbroken.

[itsmeSnap]

I'm thinking that if I do reach out it should be to tell her that I'm working on myself to be the most supportive partner

Well I did it, and I'm happy about it. Let's see how it goes

Well we had a long talk and she officially ended it

I know that process all too well, because I did the exact same thing, with the exact same results. It was not my bpd relationship mind you, but it happened just exactly the same.

It's that pushback I mentioned.

For the sake of lessons learned, let me comment on a few things you posted before:

If that pushes her away more then well I wouldn't blame myself

Not blame, no guilt, just new experience. Take this with you and grow as a person and as a partner, I know I did and I'm in a much better place now. Though to be honest, it took me quite some time to digest and process it, give yourself some slack.

Are you able to say any more about how the process of being unpainted and being let back in occurs?

In my experience and in my bpdex's, it's when she's in either a bad spot, or a very good one.

She contacted me (after a breakup) when she had to move places, when she had major surgery, big travel, trouble at home, new job stress, etc.

I was her relief valve.

With my next relationship it was the opposite. I doubt bpd on her, so its not the same, but we also broke up and reconnected a bunch.

She contacted me when a new movie came out, when she wanted to drink and party, for sex, when things were good at work.

I was her feel-good cherry on top.

She never contacted me in a bad spot, pushed back hard when I tried to comfort her when she was like that, but would always come back when things started looking up, except the last time when I pushed too hard, she broke it up like what happened to you.

[itsmeSnap]

she wants to just be friends.

I would highly suggest you consider her offer seriously and at face value.

I'm friends with my bpdex, no fighting no abuse no nothing serious when we dated, your situation sounds kinda similar.

I learned and am learning a lot from her, we get along so well, I love her as a friend now as I loved her as a partner before

The highs and lows are not as apparent now that we're friends, maybe because I don't take it personal since we're not a couple anymore. Who knows, might do you both good, put you both in a better spot?

[cosmical]

I would highly suggest you consider her offer seriously and at face value.

I'm friends with my bpdex, no fighting no abuse no nothing serious when we dated, your situation sounds kinda similar.

I learned and am learning a lot from her, we get along so well, I love her as a friend now as I loved her as a partner before

The highs and lows are not as apparent now that we're friends, maybe because I don't take it personal since we're not a couple anymore. Who knows, might do you both good, put you both in a better spot?

Thank you for your insights. Ultimately I hope I can be her friend, but right now being around her would prevent me from moving on. The fairytale romance we experienced together is still very fresh in my mind and I find it incredibly difficult to process that it wasn't necessarily real. I don't know how some can act a certain way for so long and it not be real. How does that person even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

[itsmeSnap]

I find it incredibly difficult to process that it wasn't necessarily real. I don't know how some can act a certain way for so long and it not be real

I'm pretty sure it was real. It may have changed, it may have ended, but it sure was real.

My ex put it in her own words as "I have had my heart broken and abandoned so many times sometimes I am mean because I can, to get back at them when they do me wrong. But underneath that I'm the sweetest person you'll ever have"

I kind believe her, look into info on bpd and you get the idealization/devaluation cycle. They are people of extreme emotions, both the good and the bad, both real, both so intense.

[Rev]

Thank you for your insights. Ultimately I hope I can be her friend, but right now being around her would prevent me from moving on. The fairytale romance we experienced together is still very fresh in my mind and I find it incredibly difficult to process that it wasn't necessarily real. I don't know how some can act a certain way for so long and it not be real. How does that person even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

So to pick-up on the "what is real" comment - there is what is real in the moment - so yes the words she says are real in the moment - but there is no continuity - because the next moment it will be something else.

But the other portion is that the feelings are often way bigger than the reality of the situation - and in that sense, it makes for crazy making.

I did CBT and worked on things every day to reprogram how I thought about my own feelings. Often - in co-dependent relationships - we are left absorbing the feelings of the other.  So our own feelings get bigger than the reality. Fear - Obligation - Guilt - that's the FOG: The big emotions we feel mess with our rational self.

I am in month 9 and I am only now starting to keep my feelings into perspective. The big feelings are subsiding.

Keep working through it.  It's the only way.

You're doing great. Reaching out here is part of it all.

Rev