birthdays and BPD

[commongarden]

I am wondering if it is common for people with BPD to dislike their birthday?  My SO really dislikes his birthday, doesn't want to celebrate, has difficulty receiving gifts.  Is this typical behavior?  He will be 59.

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[jaded7]

Interesting. Mine (gf) cried for an hour the night we were camping before her birthday. She went on and on about how her life is screwed up, how she wanted to have another kid and never will, how when her son gets into college she's going to be completely broke since she'll be too old to get a good job and too old to go back to school (I think her family supplements a lot right now while he's in school), how her friends all "think she's got it so together and so smart", how she's getting old.

I've never thought these thoughts before a birthday.

Interestingly, she completely forgot about my birthday 5 weeks earlier, on that camping trip I snuck in a craft dark chocolate bar and a beautiful card with a love note on it, and she was PISSED. She told me "I gave the shi**iest birthday" with a "stupid card and shi**y chocolate bar that she doesn't even like" and how she's having to "cover up for me to all her friends"

After she forgot my birthday 5 weeks earlier. I found that behavior around her birthday so weird and confusing. Plus, with her ex-husband she's obsessed with, she always told me how he's such a narcissist because he takes his birthday off work and celebrates doing something fun.

Make sense of that.

[Rev]

I am wondering if it is common for people with BPD to dislike their birthday?  My SO really dislikes his birthday, doesn't want to celebrate, has difficulty receiving gifts.  Is this typical behavior?  He will be 59.

Not her birthday - but every other family gathering - including my birthday.  I have read that this can happen because of a fragile or vacant sense of self.  Birthday's remind them that they don't know who they are or remind them that they really don't like themselves.

Rev

[jaded7]

Not her birthday - but every other family gathering - including my birthday.  I have read that this can happen because of a fragile or vacant sense of self.  Birthday's remind them that they don't know who they are or remind them that they really don't like themselves.

Rev

That seems to align perfectly with my experience of her birthday this last summer and her crying at bedtime about it. The summer before I planned a big day kayaking, then having her choose a dinner spot in my neighborhood when we came back, and also bought her an $80 foot massage, soaking treatment. She was surly and not nice the whole day, mean at dinner, never mentioned the foot treatment again (and never used it). It really hurt my feelings and I didn't understand it.

The first summer of my birthday she got us tickets to a performer I love and I was hugely thankful and showed big gratitude. The second summer she forgot it.

[strugglingBF]

I 100% identify with this.  Most birthdays are volatile times with my BPDgf.  Not so much her kids, but my kids' birthdays there is always major drama the day before or morning of.  Like clockwork.  I have grown to know it is coming and do the best to curb it, but it is so frustrating to deal with the stress of my GF's BPD around times I should just be able to enjoy.  We have had some of our biggest blow-ups (police involved) around my son's birthday in particular.  Twice in the past 5 years we had major blow-ups the night before his birthday.  My son is also the biggest target of her splitting, and I don't believe the timing of the blow ups is a coincidence.  She also puts zero thought and effort into me or my kids birthdays.  She doesn't even wrap our gifts.  She walks in and says "here you go" and hands us whatever gift it may be.  For my son't birthday this year she walked into my house and threw it at me and said "here is his gift".  This was like 5 minutes before he opened his gifts, so I frantically ran around the house to wrap it for her beforehand because she refused to.
 Major holidays are always volatile times as well. 

[jaded7]

I 100% identify with this.  Most birthdays are volatile times with my BPDgf.  Not so much her kids, but my kids' birthdays there is always major drama the day before or morning of.  Like clockwork.  I have grown to know it is coming and do the best to curb it, but it is so frustrating to deal with the stress of my GF's BPD around times I should just be able to enjoy.  We have had some of our biggest blow-ups (police involved) around my son's birthday in particular.  Twice in the past 5 years we had major blow-ups the night before his birthday.  My son is also the biggest target of her splitting, and I don't believe the timing of the blow ups is a coincidence.  She also puts zero thought and effort into me or my kids birthdays.  She doesn't even wrap our gifts.  She walks in and says "here you go" and hands us whatever gift it may be.  For my son't birthday this year she walked into my house and threw it at me and said "here is his gift".  This was like 5 minutes before he opened his gifts, so I frantically ran around the house to wrap it for her beforehand because she refused to.
 Major holidays are always volatile times as well. 

This whole thing with gifts is really fascinating to me. As described above, she was really mean and not nice her first birthday together with me, and outright hostile and beyond verbally abusive with me the second one.

Last night I was reading up on narcissism because I can't really tell if she is more narcissistic or bpd and one of the first autofill in Google as I typed "why do narcissists..." was related to them receiving gifts. The consensus is that they are TERRIBLE at it. They simply are so self-absorbed that any gift you get them is not enough, you didn't try hard enough, is not the color they like, you put no effort into it, etc...They don't seem to be able to 'recognize' the whole backdrop of gift giving, which is thinking of the person, wanting to do something nice for them, being excited to make them surprised and/or happy...these emotions don't seem to exist for them, and therefore don't register that was behind the gift.

And my eyes just opened wide as I though back to the two birthdays with her, the complete lack of joy or gratitude the first summer, which struck me as very odd- she didn't even thank me, for the kayaking, the expensive dinner, never used or even mentioned the expensive foot spa treatment I bought.. And then the completely over-the-top explosion and verbal abuse this summer. And of course, the only gifts she's ever bought me were her shopping online for a magazine subscription and concert tickets.

In my life I have never experienced anything like this. Any gift I have ever gotten I always cherish because of the thought behind it. I have racks of clothes in my closet that my parents bought me and I'll never wear, but I cherish them anyway because it is a symbol of their love.

[Rev]

Last night I was reading up on narcissism because I can't really tell if she is more narcissistic or bpd and one of the first autofill in Google as I typed "why do narcissists..." was related to them receiving gifts. The consensus is that they are TERRIBLE at it. They simply are so self-absorbed that any gift you get them is not enough, you didn't try hard enough, is not the color they like, you put no effort into it, etc...They don't seem to be able to 'recognize' the whole backdrop of gift giving, which is thinking of the person, wanting to do something nice for them, being excited to make them surprised and/or happy...these emotions don't seem to exist for them, and therefore don't register that was behind the gift.

YES! YES! YES! 

[UBPDHelp]

This is interesting to me too.  My uBPDH isn’t really into his birthday either and definitely is dissatisfied with his gifts. There is always some reason they’re not right. And that I should have known that.  The distinctions between good and bad are so small I often don’t see what they are despite the lecture.

Strangely, he’s pretty good with the kids’ birthdays and spoils them BUT I think this has to do with presenting the illusion of how great he is. And, he is actually pretty generous, gift wise, on my birthday, but I have the side attack that he believes my birthday is when my bf and I would “celebrate” with sex.  No idea why he thinks that but I hear about it often. So he puts on a show publicly and privately is vomiting and raging for the days (month) leading up to and after my birthday. Great mixing the two.

Do any of you find the turmoil also occurs around holidays or vacations?

My H loves the holidays but more times than not they have a lot of bumps. I think it is because they never live up to some high expectation he has. He also feels entitled to vacation (he has a stressful job), but on day two will start saying the vacation is over (we may have 4-5 days left).  This behavior has progressed over the years such that sometimes he’ll say it as we’re heading out. Makes total sense to him, but the rest of us are like what are you talking about?

How do you all handle this behavior?

[jaded7]

Dissatisfied is the most generous term I would use for mine.

"shi**y chocolate bar"
"stupid card"
"put zero effort and planning"
"shi**iest birthday ever"
"bought the bar in a checkout line at the grocery store" (no)

-all delivered in yelling and angry tone. From a person who completely forgot my birthday 5 weeks before.

But, like you say she is very thoughtful and kind to her son on his birthday, very much nurturing and accepting of him as a person. Although, as I write this, I remember she got mad at him last year because her forgot her birthday.

[zachira]

My sister with BPD is almost always at the summer place where family members from many generations gather on her birthday. She has had many large family birthday parties, whereas other family members who have a birthday during the family summer gatherings, usually have a small modest celebration if any celebration at all. The last time my cousin suggested we give my sister a family birthday party, I said no. I don't think it helps my sister to deal with her problems with BPD and narcissistic traits, to give her these big birthday parties, when many deserving family members have never had a large celebration. I feel by supporting giving my sister birthday parties, I am supporting the family narrative of putting certain members on a pedestal while ignoring many others who are worthy of a birthday celebration. I believe my sister has had at least 20 family birthday parties.
I believe, it really is not about the birthday, whether they want it celebrated it or not; it just all about the person with BPD's dysregulated emotions and need to be the center of attention without any capacity to recognize how they are behaving affects others. Aging is very distressing for people with BPD, as they start to get the feedback that they are less attractive and desirable when they were younger thus likely triggering their fears of abandonment.

[jaded7]

That's really interesting about the aging.

So if I understand correctly, they start to hate themselves even more and, if they have narcissistic quality of not grasping the love and intention behind the gift giving, or even if they don't have that, they then lash out to hurt the people who gave the gift?

I'm telling you, I've never in my life had somebody attack a gift and call it 'shi**'. It's just so far out of my understanding of life and living.

[strugglingBF]

I agree.  The aging thing is interesting and seems to go along with my GFs actions.  She loves constant reassurance that she is not aging.  She actually look very good for her age, but she does draw attention to it A LOT.  I am 6 years younger than her, and quite frankly look like it other than some grey hair.  However, she will ask people all the time when we are out together which one of us looks younger.  Of course, just about everyone know the unwritten code that you always tell the woman she looks younger.  This just furthers her delusions.  Whatever, she is gorgeous either way.  But her lengths she goes for validation are extremely unattractive. 

Also, I agree on the appreciativeness of gift receiving, or lack thereof by BPDs.  I have received numerous gifts I didn't really want, care for, need, etc.  However, I have always been able to look at it like this...this person took time out of their day and money out of their pocket to get me something.  That effort should not ever go unnoticed.  I don't care if it is just a candy bar in a checkout line.  Someone still thought of me when checking out and picked up something for me.  The only time this appreciativeness doesn't ring true is when someone goes out of their way to let you know how little thought and effort they put into your gift, or you child's gift.  You want to take that route and I don't appreciate it at all.  My GF takes that route at times.  Almost as if to make sure I know that she got a gift, but put the least amount of effort or thought into it. 

[Chosen]

YES YES YES.  My uBPDh hates celebrating his birthday, and also finds fault in most of the stuff I've ever given him. 

[Dungle]

My BPDgf is the same. She also doesn't want to celebrate mine. Or Christmas. Or valentines etc. You get the picture.

[jaded7]

This is so interesting to me.

Somewhere I read that bpd may also be accompanied by narcissistic traits. I recognize that the traits and behaviors can all fall along a continuum, and I'm not sure if mine is more bpd than narcissistic, but when it comes to gifts she both HATES them and assumes the worst possible motives and intentions and behaviors behind them AND then rages about them. As you've seen, up to a year later.

[zachira]

My BIL once told me that my sister complains about all the gifts he gets her. My sister has BPD.

[Sunflower123]

My partner (currently ex) with bpd traits absolutely hates his birthday.  Every year around that time I start to worry about what will happen.  He always deactivates his facebook account so that "people can't wish him happy birthday on his wall".  He always tells me that he doesn't want to celebrate and not to get him any presents.  I always tried to celebrate anyway and he would get really mad at me.  Then one year I didn't do anything for his birthday, but still got him an expensive gift and he got furious that I didn't care about him. 

This past birthday was the biggest disaster of all.  He told me he didn't want to do anything and that was final.  Then 5 days before his birthday he DEMANDED that we have a big party for him at our place.  I quickly tried to organize the party and managed to do so.  I got decorations, cake, food/drinks, and an expensive present.  Everyone said how amazing everything looked and I was really proud to throw it together so quickly.     

 He ignored me the whole party and would only talk to his friends.  They stayed until 5 am drinking and I had to clean up everything.  Then the next day instead of being grateful... he told me that I ruined his whole birthday! That it was the worst party ever because he didn't want it to be that big of a deal  

He also hates all other holidays and says they are stupid...he does however celebrate my birthday every year and it's probably the one day he is the nicest to me.

[hopeful29]

yes in my experience, mine just turned 57 and would have nothing to do with me wanting to do something special

[momtara]

Lots of people don't like birthdays when older, but aren't extreme about it.
However, I think BPD people hate OTHER people's birthdays, especially their SO, as they have to be nice to them and give them extra affection - in other words, it's not all about THEM.
My ex used to get so stressed on my bday.