My MIL is manipulating my marriage

[beachlover57]

Hi. My MIL has BPD. It has been a fact that my SO has been slow to accept. Now, he understands that she is mentally ill, but he still feels a strong need to please her and win her approval (which we all know is impossible).

A few years ago, she offered to take my oldest son and my husband to Disneyworld with her, and I said no. Now, every time I bring up a trip, I feel like I have to hear about the Disneyworld trip I turned down and how I don't like Disney.

But the truth is I turned down the trip because I WASN'T INVITED and neither was OUR OTHER CHILD. And while I may not love Disney as much as he does, I still want to be with my children when they go there for the first time.

Plus, my oldest child has anxiety, so I know that my SO and MIL would spend the whole trip trying to make him do things he didn't want to do. My MIL because "she paid for this trip and he's going to enjoy it," and the SO because he doesn't understand anxiety and wants to make his mom happy.

I'm so tired of feeling like the only reasonable person in these conversations. The SO and I went to two years of therapy, and he knows he is supposed to support me over his mother, but I feel like some part of that neglected little boy always comes out when his mother is part of the conversation.

I know that I'm not wrong to want to protect my children and husband from my MIL's manipulations. And I give her access to the children so long as one of us is also there. I just hate the way she dangles money over us, and how she makes my husband feel like he doesn't love her if he won't do what she wants. (Also, 99% of the time the money isn't there or the trip never happens. It's just a way for her to get attention for a while, and I'm not letting her promise Disneyworld to my child only to take it away a few weeks later.)

How do I get out of this cycle? How do I keep my sanity? I've drawn hard boundaries, but I get tired when they are thrown back in my face despite the fact that they are there for all of us, and come at the suggestion of multiple family therapists.

[pursuingJoy]

Great to meet you, beachlover57!    I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with.
My H still describes his mom as 'quirky.' There a number of us here that are in your shoes or similar.

But the truth is I turned down the trip because I WASN'T INVITED and neither was OUR OTHER CHILD.

I would have done the same. Why do you think she only invited your older child? How far away does she live from you?

I'm so tired of feeling like the only reasonable person in these conversations.

The SO and I went to two years of therapy, and he knows he is supposed to support me over his mother.

I feel like some part of that neglected little boy always comes out when his mother is part of the conversation.

I just hate the way she dangles money over us, and how she makes my husband feel like he doesn't love her if he won't do what she wants. 

It's like we're living a parallel life. I'm so sorry. I often feel like I'm the unwanted third wheel when I'm around them. I can't compete with the connection they have or control she has.

My H's only brother committed suicide 20 years ago and his dad died 10 years ago. When MIL feels that H is pulling away or not giving her enough attention, she gently tugs on the "you're the only one I have left/I'm going to die soon/your brother died, your dad died, I'm alone" heartstrings. I know that she is just meeting her emotional need for attention, but I hate the way she hurts him to get what she wants - this absolutely devastates him every time.

My instinct was to rescue him from the FOG by sharing other options or truth. He gets super defensive of MIL and I become the persecutor (Karpman triangle). I've had to quit rescuing and now I leave him to feel the FOG. It is hard but it's been effective in keeping me out of the mess.

Unlike yours, my MIL shows very little interest in our kids. My H will coax her to connect with them but she only wants H. It would be so hard to watch her manipulate kids. I know this is a blessing in disguise and I'll take the blessings!

Money
I convinced H that it's important to establish financial independence. He shared that with MIL and she was super hurt. Shortly after, she invited us out to eat, something she's always paid for, but when the check came she just sat there and looked at me. I just 'd internally and picked it up. Thankfully I saw that coming. Since, she has also cut Christmas money to the kids in half, claiming financial hardship though her finances haven't changed.

H thankfully agreed, no more taking loans from her, no more calling mom to cover our auto repairs. He can't argue with the fact that we are independent adults who shouldn't be going to his mom for money.

(She still infrequently offers us our old furniture. I politely decline, saying we don't have space. I no longer accept gifts from her except at Christmas or birthday, but I don't discuss this with H...it would cause problems. )

Visits
Our visits are now scheduled, timed and we include activities to minimize open conversation. She thinks this is rude and told me not to bother visiting unless I was more "friendly." I have visited since and am calmly holding the boundary without JADEing.

Counseling
We're only 6 months in. Two sessions ago, the counselor gently called H out on black and white thinking. It was a lot for him, but he's still going. It's so much easier for him to hide and fall back on blaming me than it is to face his relationship with his mom.

Unfortunately for us, as they age, this will become even more challenging. I'm learning all I can from Methuen, Gagrl, Spindle, Telhill and others here that are working through managing aging parents and how to set healthy boundaries.

Boundaries often make people uncomfortable. I'm in the same boat and I'm seen as the problem. It helps me immensely to come here and post and hear from others. I'm not insane, I'm not alone, and I can stay the course.

We're here.

[Turkish]

b57,

That's rude beyond belief to exclude you from a trip.

I like pJ's advice on perhaps how to handle it. 

My thinking is that your nuclear family is your primary family.  My mom had BPD.  I had my struggles, but I wasn't any where near enmeshed with my mother. Not to say your H Is, but guilt can be a powerful thing. I did receive a lot of guilt. That's love, but conditional.  Conditional love isn't love. 

[pursuingJoy]

I'm afraid my initial response was a bit of a hijack. I'm sorry!

guilt can be a powerful thing. I did receive a lot of guilt. That's love, but conditional. 

Good point Turkish. My H can't verbalize what he's going through so hearing from other children with BPD parents has been a game-changer for me.

How has your relationship with your SO weathered all of this, beachlover57?