I miss the drama

[Forgiveness]

I have to admit, I miss the drama. It took up a lot of space.  

It's been three months since the breakup and we are NC (a mutual agreement).

I find myself creating drama to take up space. Like, dating two women at the same time. Or developing a crush on a drama queen person (not BPD, just a slightly nutty personality who is lots of fun and very attractive).

It's so painful to just sit still and feel lonely. I find myself creating drama just avoid feeling sad.

Any advice?

[Turkish]

I had many crushes on such people when I was younger, and engaging myself, they were attracted to me.  I noticed this in my mother with BPD as well, that she got involved with "rescuing" people with much life drama.  I'm not BPD, nor am I suggesting you are, but I like to think "you don't know what you don't know," and I was following a pattern that felt emotionally comfortable.  Also, being needed felt good. It validated me.  I had a purpose.

What do you think, sound familiar?

[SinisterComplex]

I have to admit, I miss the drama. It took up a lot of space.  

It's been three months since the breakup and we are NC (a mutual agreement).

I find myself creating drama to take up space. Like, dating two women at the same time. Or developing a crush on a drama queen person (not BPD, just a slightly nutty personality who is lots of fun and very attractive).

It's so painful to just sit still and feel lonely. I find myself creating drama just avoid feeling sad.

Any advice?

So I have to point out something here...there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating multiple women at the same time. I encourage this actually and that is not drama. If you develop oneitis by dating one person at a time you are limiting yourself too much. Always think abundance, not scarcity. Scarcity mindset creates desperation and leads to weak thinking and ultimately co-dependence for many people (not saying that would be you just stating it in general terms).

My advice...develop more hobbies, interests, and then set goals to achieve. The idea is to keep the mind focused on forward progress and development. Sounds like you are allowing too much time on your hands. Engage your mind more and really start to take stock of yourself and start having dialogues with yourself like man why the hell do I think this way? Why do I feel this way? Why did I do that? What do I truly want? Develop a true relationship with yourself then the feeling lonely feeling won't creep up on you. You know why? Because you are your own best company. Get to that point and then companionship is made so much easier and fulfilling.

However, to each their own. Just throwing some stuff against the wall for you and hopefully something sticks for you.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[SinisterComplex]

I had many crushes on such people when I was younger, and engaging myself, they were attracted to me.  I noticed this in my mother with BPD as well, that she got involved with "rescuing" people with much life drama.  I'm not BPD, nor am I suggesting you are, but I like to think "you don't know what you don't know," and I was following a pattern that felt emotionally comfortable.  Also, being needed felt good. It validated me.  I had a purpose.

What do you think, sound familiar?

Everyone likes to feel needed. Now granted that is definitely more of an extrovert thing of course. Now granted, its not for everyone, but I do try to help people understand that internal validation is more powerful. When you get yourself to a point where you "want" someone but don't "need" them necessarily you tend to be happier. The reason why is that life will continue on with or without them and you will be fine. Its ok to need people...I am not saying its not. My point is...if more focus is placed upon internal validation then healthier relationships are created as a result. We are all social creatures, but ultimately you experience life through your own lens and individually. Try the thought of saying to yourself I want you or I need you. What causes more of an exciting response? To add on...isn't it cooler to feel wanted like you are a hot commodity as opposed to being something needed that is more likely to be taken for granted? Just enjoying pushing some food for thought out here to further the conversation.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Wowee Zowee]

I find myself creating drama to take up space. Like, dating two women at the same time. Or developing a crush on a drama queen person (not BPD, just a slightly nutty personality who is lots of fun and very attractive).

I used to be one hell of a "fixer". I needed to fix people's problems and help with their issues. When I got discarded by my ex, I was devastated because suddenly there was this big void in my life.

Then I slowly understood that I loved fixing her issues, because the more I was focusing on her, the less I was focusing on my own issues. I thought that making her happy would make me happy, which is of course not true. Maybe the drama you're seeking is because of that?

Also it seems that you are looking for romantic drama above all, which is maybe a sign that you are not ready yet for another relationship, and it's perfectly fine. Hanging out with friends and building meaningful friendships with them is what got me through this need for drama/life saving. 5 years later and I can say that I have never been happier in my life, even when I was at my happiest with my ex, thanks to all the people I've met after my ex and the ones who were there before her.

Focusing on your own issues and your needs does not mean sulking alone in a room, it can be focusing on what you like (do you like cinema? go to the movies! you always wanted to learn pottery? go take pottery classes!) and understanding who you are and what you need.

[Forgiveness]

I like this. It's the advice I would give to someone else. Thank you for the reminder.

My advice...develop more hobbies, interests, and then set goals to achieve. The idea is to keep the mind focused on forward progress and development. Sounds like you are allowing too much time on your hands.

[itsmeSnap]

I liked the attention. Not the drama, but having her focused on me instead of whatever else was happening.

 I was her distraction, and as friends now she still says she texts me when she needs someone to keep her mind off things when she's in a bad spot.

But yeah, we can't deny our part in the dysfunction, accepting it and then looking for ways to better handle it is where its at.

[Vincenta]

Hi itsmesnap,

Hmm, if you are seeking for attention and focus on you so much
 - could it be that you did not get enough in your FOO?
Have you thought about that?

Warmly,

Vincenta

[Rev]

Any advice?

You've had lots of advice about what to grow into - and to this I will add a little motivating factor to not slip slide back into old habits until the new ones firmly take root.

One thing that I did when I could feel myself slipping (and this even took the turn of blaming myself to feel needed)was to make myself a printed list of how the relationship really made me feel.  I got so bored of reading that list that the boredom of it all became a motivation ... to ... just ... stop... missing her.

There was a subsequent period of anger spikes and feeling stuck - and I got some good advice here to ride it out because the anger and being stuck were signs that I was finally working on the deeper stuff.   And while facing my own stuff was less than fun, I am so glad that I did it.

Today - the feelings I get are more englobing in the sense that I feel what I am supposed to feel - disappointed that I made bad choices - naturally repelled by the choices she has made (her new supply is her newly found biological brother - she broke up his marriage - he owes his ex somewhere between 150 K and 200 K dollars.)

All this is true - I missed the drama at first as well.  Getting out - it all started with that list.

Thanks for this post.

Your honesty is refreshing.

Rev

[In a bad way]

I personally don't think you miss the drama.
I think you miss the person you love...As do I .

[Cromwell]

It's so painful to just sit still and feel lonely.

Painful in what way?

[Forgiveness]

Painful in what way?

Oh Cromwell that is the million dollar question. My wife died a year and a half before I met my BPD girlfriend. She was the most calm, diplomatic person. We were together almost 18 years with no drama. It was an easy, respectful, grownup relationship. She was my rock. She was secure and stable, the opposite of BPD.

After I split with my BPD girlfriend in October, I became deeply lonely again. Not as bad as right after my wife died, but lonely. I decided not to get into a rebound relationship. I decided to date two women at the same time, so as not to get too involved with either. One woman is very dramatic (not BPD) and the other is very calm. The calm one does not want an LTR but she's been very grounding and comforting. The drama person has been a tease, avoidant, hot and cold, mixed signals, and I got a super hard crush on her that ate my brain almost as much as my relationship with the BPD did. I am noticing that I can deal with grief by finding real love, or I can also deal with it by finding intensity and drama. The drama fills my thoughts and it's addictive. I am an addict, and just admitting to it. That is all.

I don't do drugs and I barely drink. I don't watch Netflix or play video games. I am addicted to dramatic women. I can also find nice normal women but I notice that I go towards the fire. I need to be gentle with myself around this and forgive myself.

[Funnythings]

No, don't miss the senseless drama at all.
https://ibb.co/7GhFF4n

[Cromwell]

Hi Forgiveness,

I see this as a coping mechanism but ultimately a bit flawed in long term?

With addiction it is part delve for me into biochemistry land as much as neuroscience. Different today than what it was when I was with her. Ultimately, a bit boring in hindsight. I do ask myself why I never took the opportunity to leave her for other women interested, they even out-competed her in terms of looks, availability for sex, and like yourself there was periods of overlap where I would leave and indulge elsewhere - which unknowingly reinforced a push/pull cycle.

It is strange to have needs fulfilled but still sit lonely, I relate to that and it involves having to have this loneliness quashed by an object (person or drug, or other activities). Otherwise depression entrenched itself.

I have rarely cried during the relationship, or afterwards. I felt I missed the 'drama' even if I at the same time hated the 'drama' and the emotional and physical torment it provided.

I went on a date this year, it was my second time in my life to an opera. I could not be 'moved' into emotion by the drama my ex caused, beyond the spike of hormone cascade from the adrenal medulla.

It took a few minutes of some Tchaikovsky to find myself with a new appreciation of what constituted drama and how it was possible to stir the soul without the tendency toward high emotional charged relationships.

Im siding in terms of any practical suggestions with SC, the why not try some new hobbies etc approach. I have been guilty of the addictive pathways reinforcement by returning to what "works" for me viz a viz a rat pressing a trigger on learning it self administers cocaine each time.

It really has helped to diversify and branch out and try new things. Getting happier and warding off depression and anxiety has done wonders too. Major difference of walking through a park in a depressed mind set or one that is joyful and can not be lonely for there is an innate understanding of the natural connectedness from oneself to everything else.

Can I ask, don't you ever get bored by the sort of drama you experience? Or feel immature in some way, perhaps, childlike and less of an adult man who by the age is expected to be more sensible and emotionally stable, generally above that in main day to day life.