Breakup story. Just wanted to get off my chest

[cosmical]

It was a short but intense relationship. I'm hoping it will be therapeutic to share as I'm struggling to cope.

We met online about a year ago through a game we both play. I live in the UK, she Canada. I work from home and she worked part time, so after we noticed eachother we would spend all day every day talking. I wasn't actively looking for a relationship at the time, but I'd stumbled across a girl who I found beautiful, fascinating, magnetic, and she was clearly as captivated by me.

Things progressed and we became more and more entwined. She was my constant source of attention and we shared in everything we did together and apart. I had a big space in my life at the time and looking back I can see that I started feeling codependent because I'd never had a connection like this before. I'm a big introvert and I guess I struggle to connect to people on a deep level, so for me this was completely irresistable. She was always very open about her BPD and I was always confident that I could handle it, that I'd be good for her, that I was willing to learn, etc.

Things accelerated and we talked about meeting. At first she was a little scared, but soon she was proposing wild ideas like flying to Florida for a first date. We were going to have that fairytale first date that we could one day tell our children about. A couple of weeks out from this was when the first push occurred.

She did a complete 180. She told me she wasn't ready for this, that I knew she wasn't looking for a relationship, that it was my fault for charming her, that she had to be alone focus on herself. I told her I'd be her friend, but the way she still talked to me was just so cold. I confessed that I loved for her and that it was too painful to be around her while she was like this. Angrily, she stopped contact.

Three days later she reached out and it was a full "pull". She apologised and after a few cautious weeks we started planning again, this time for France. We'd spend two nights in Paris then take the train to MPL in the south where she would attend language school. This seemed like a great idea. Romantic as hell, plus school would allow her to get some self growth plus schedule some healthy time apart.

As the date approached her attitude went from wild enthusiasm to anxiety. A week before we called the whole thing off, but then with a few days to go it was all back on again. I still had my ticket, of course, so we went for it.

Paris was interesting. Things were tepid, and definitely not the fireworks I had expected. That said, we both had an amazing time together seeing the sights and exploring. It was, though, too much too quickly, and it was decided that I would fly home and that she'd continue to MPL on her own. I was obviously disappointed but I was completely respectful. I didn't argue. I saw her to her train and on the platform we had our first real kiss. A long one. It hurt like hell to see her go but at the same time I was so happy. The trip was a success.

We continued messaging eachother when I got home. Quickly, things to how she missed me and what we would do to eachother if we were together. I thought about her in MPL, alone, waiting for me, and I booked my ticket back without hesitation. The next few days felt like an eternity but the day finally arrived where I would meet her for the second time.

I see her looking for me on the train platform. Eventually she spots me and her face lights up. I can still see it like it was yesterday. The next few days are a blurr. It was perfect like a dream. We went explored the town together, we treated eachother to gifts, we hired bikes and rode to the beach, we got drunk together, we did cheesy stuff like leaving padlocks with our initials, we missed eachother like hell while she was in language school and everytime she'd come out and see me waiting, her face would beam.

We took the train back to Paris where we would catch our respective flights. She slept the entire journey curled up against me and this was the happiest I've ever felt.

Nothing was the same after this trip. Things just changed. I can't put my finger on when or why, but I was no longer "perfect". We still had positive, intense spells, but they became fewer and longer in between. I felt like I had to watch everything I said for fear of upsetting her, and that I was just trying to thread the needle until our next trip where we would relive our first magical date.

We did meet again, but she never seemed like she was really looking forward to it. We had some good moments together, but I just couldn't connect to her like I used to. I didn't feel love from her even though she said she loved me. I found it hard to "perform" because it was so hard to forget the negativity.

A couple of weeks after the trip she has a realisation. She's abusive towards me, she doesn't like who she is with me, she is not taking care of herself anymore because she was only doing that for me in the start of the relationship and she needs to learn to do it for herself. This was my other thread. Long story short his ends in her breaking up with me.

I'm feeling immensely heartbroken from this right now. In my mind, our perfect date was just yesterday (it was 2 months ago). I can't get her radiant smile and her romantic gestures out of my head. Yes, things havent been easy between us lately, but when you have this kind of experience with someone don't you owe it to yourself to at least try? Like, someone is your life for almost a year, you go half way across the world for eachother and then that's just it? The more and more I said I was willing to do things for her, to work on our relationship, the more she tells me that I shouldn't have to do this and that it only makes her feel guilty.  I have no regrets because I realise there was absolute nothing I could do, but I'm still feeling very depressed. It feels like these memories exist only in my mind and not hers. It's like the whole thing could have happened in my imagination and nothing would be different. I know I'm a better person from having these experiences but also my expectations from a future partner are going to be impossible to meet.

I'm sorry this probably comes across as melancholy. It really helps to write it down though and know that it happened.

[cosmical]

I think a big problem for me is that I'm a fixer. I've never really know what I wanted out of life... I don't have any interesting hobbies (I try different things but I always just end up getting bored and giving up), I don't have a challenging career path (I'm self employed from home. It's enough to pay the bills and keep me living reasonably well, but I'm not growing. I don't have a vision of where I'll be in 2/5/10 years), so when a broken girl comes along with a host of problems then I suddenly have a purpose.

I was the perfect listener. Attentive, non judgemental, helpful. She would talk for hours and hours about her problems and her past and I would feel like the most important guy in the world as I knew all the right things to say. I almost felt like HER past was MY past, like our minds were somehow melding. I never really talked about myself unless she explicitly asked, because I felt I was not a fraction as interesting as her. She was my purpose and I realise this was so not healthy. Every impulsive decision we took was her idea. It was her idea to go to Paris, and I was excited for it because she was.

I've always just been looking for someone strong to follow in life so I could leech off their passions and forget about my own indifference and insecurities. This girl provided me with that and more. If she had a vision for me I would have followed it. If she had asked me to move to her country and get particular job, even if I'd never have considered it myself, then I would have been like a dog with a bone.

It's really hard to know how to find self love when you have nothing you are truly passionate about. I'm pretty sure I'm depressed and have been for a long time. I need to get out of the house and integrate. As hard as it is to leaveall these idealized memories in the past, it's what I have to do.

[SinisterComplex]

First and most important is the self awareness that you are displaying here. That is key. Introspection is the most important thing to focus on when it comes to growing and developing. I commend you for that.

Beyond that I will chime in and just put these ideals in your mind...learn to come from a place of power. What do I mean by that you might ask? Think abundance...in essence you focus on outcome independence which means your self-worth, respect, love, etc is not predicated upon anyone other than yourself. In essence...rejection cannot phase you because you understand there is a massive world of opportunity out there. No single outcome dictates your happiness.

You cannot allow yourself to think from a place of scarcity...hinging all your hopes on one specific outcome or person. This leads to weakness, desperation, and potential codependency.

The mentality is to always value respect above all else. Remember if you try to please everyone you effectively please no one and furthermore...if someone doesn't like YOU than that is their problem, not yours.

As I have essentially been drilling this into many people's minds here on this forum...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

You have to learn to walk your own path.

What I am doing here is putting strong positive mindsets into place for you so you can learn to create your own positive opportunities. Think the law of attraction. You attract what you project. Only focus on what you control and less on what things are entirely out of your control.

So, moving forward please feel free to continue to vent here and use this forum as a resource. I will be around for support and guidance if you so request it. I look forward to you taking your life back. Strive to continue to learn, adapt grow, develop, and ultimately lead.

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-