Therapy - couples T wants me to put everything on the table

[Concerned2020]

good morning everyone.  I found this website while reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I do not know where to begin. My husband and I are in couple's counseling with a therapist that I don't believe knows that he is a possible BPD.  He is undiagnosed.  But in reading this book, it has become very very clear that I am in a marriage with a possible BPD. Like I am sure many people have felt, my relationship with him has been a very confusing whirlwind with a lot of abuse, and accusations and never being to satisfy his profound suspicion of me.  He has been married twice before (me once before) and he claims that both his ex wives cheated on him.  He comes from a background of alcoholism and severe physical abuse by his mother.  For a little more context, let me try to explain how this relationship has been. Up- I am Perfect, he has crawled this earth looking for me, and now he's found me... lets get married!   Or Down- I am the worst human on the planet who obviously is just waiting for my opportunity to betray him.  There has been physical violence, extreme emotional abuse, extreme suspicion (hacking emails, phone, reading journals, etc)  and a lack of personal safety I have never known.  Alternately, I have been his savior, the only woman alive who could ever make happy. So, you guys... I need help.  We are seeing a therapist tomorrow who thinks it is a good idea to "start fresh".  "Get all the untruths I've ever told him out on the table and get to a point of understanding between he and I".  There are no more untruths in my life.  Over the last 2.5 years, he has violated every boundary I never knew I needed.  I do not know what to do.  Can anyone help me? One more thing.  Last weekend I ended up moving into our basement because I don't have financial resources to leave him.  I recently lost my job for missing so much time due to his various hospitalizations for suicide attempts. I am starting a new job on Monday, which I can only pray he won't interfere with.  I do love him.  I adore him, or I would have left a long time ago.  thanks for any replies in advance.

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[Rev]

good morning everyone.  I found this website while reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I do not know where to begin. My husband and I are in couple's counseling with a therapist that I don't believe knows that he is a possible BPD.  He is undiagnosed.  But in reading this book, it has become very very clear that I am in a marriage with a possible BPD. Like I am sure many people have felt, my relationship with him has been a very confusing whirlwind with a lot of abuse, and accusations and never being to satisfy his profound suspicion of me.  He has been married twice before (me once before) and he claims that both his ex wives cheated on him.  He comes from a background of alcoholism and severe physical abuse by his mother.  For a little more context, let me try to explain how this relationship has been. Up- I am Perfect, he has crawled this earth looking for me, and now he's found me... lets get married!   Or Down- I am the worst human on the planet who obviously is just waiting for my opportunity to betray him.  There has been physical violence, extreme emotional abuse, extreme suspicion (hacking emails, phone, reading journals, etc)  and a lack of personal safety I have never known.  Alternately, I have been his savior, the only woman alive who could ever make happy. So, you guys... I need help.  We are seeing a therapist tomorrow who thinks it is a good idea to "start fresh".  "Get all the untruths I've ever told him out on the table and get to a point of understanding between he and I".  There are no more untruths in my life.  Over the last 2.5 years, he has violated every boundary I never knew I needed.  I do not know what to do.  Can anyone help me? One more thing.  Last weekend I ended up moving into our basement because I don't have financial resources to leave him.  I recently lost my job for missing so much time due to his various hospitalizations for suicide attempts. I am starting a new job on Monday, which I can only pray he won't interfere with.  I do love him.  I adore him, or I would have left a long time ago.  thanks for any replies in advance.

Hi 2020 - Having come out of an abusive relationship I understand some of what you may be feeling. As my own T said to me - It's so much easier to get out of a relationship than to stay in it. I tried three times before it finally fell in to place for me.

Please listen to the words "extreme violence".  Say them over and over and over to yourself... until it falls into place.

Does your T know what is going on?  If not - tell him/her.  If yes - please, please, please - get a second opinion. 

I will hold you in prayer that grace will bring you to a clear place - regardless of what you choose - that you choose for healthy reasons.

Peace and light to you.

Rev

[Concerned2020]

Thank you for your reply, Rev. I do understand that "Extreme Violence" is very, very serious.  The therapist knows my husband's version and has heard me make reference to some violent times.  Im still walking on eggshells, because my fear is that telling this therapist explicitly what happened in front of my husband will cause him to not want to help us.  It's my experience in the past that therapists hear the truth, and disengage.  Refer me to a shelter, refuse to treat us both. 

Also, I did tell a therapist that was treating us both once, and my husband said I "blew it up on purpose" by letting her know what I have dealt with. 

One thing I need to focus on here is his mistrust of me.  My husband has always been very clear about honesty in a relationship.  He needs it.  Like air.  However, when we first met and were first dating, yes, he told me that, but I assumed he meant honesty in the way everyone else means honesty.  AKA- please don't lie to me.  And I behaved in a way that I was still allowed my past secrets, and they were none of his business because I didn't know him then.  However, he has been on a campaign to "uncover my lies" by digging into my old social media accounts, reading diaries, looking through phone records.  And of course, he thinks he's "busting me" when he digs through the trash of an old email account and reads private messages between myself and my ex husband.  THEY WERE IN THE TRASH BIN.   And at this point, after he has castigated me and raked me over the coals for every "lie" he has "uncovered"  I am no longer- and never have been trustworthy.  But remember, this alternates between me being the greatest woman he has ever known.  The woman he has "crawled this earth looking for" and even before he ever knew me, he could have drawn what I look like to be his "dream woman."  He is specifically hyper focused on my ex husband, the father of my 20 year old boys, who I have always had a cordial relationship with, until my ex saw what I was putting up with and we have since been without contact for a year and a half.  (this is the same one that my current husband believes I will eventually leave him for)

So, hopefully you, or someone can see the danger I feel in going to a therapist and "Getting everything on the table".  It's all ON the table.  He's crossed every boundary i ever had in order to uncover it.  I do not know what to do.  Our appointment is tomorrow.

[Concerned2020]

PS.  I am here for concrete advice on how to handle this therapy appointment, and also respect my husband. It is a weird balance, as is the rest of my life.  Thanks you guys

[Rev]

PS.  I am here for concrete advice on how to handle this therapy appointment, and also respect my husband. It is a weird balance, as is the rest of my life.  Thanks you guys

Do you have your own therapist?  I totally, totally understand not saying much in couple's therapy.  I may have mis-read your first post. I got the impression that you were in your own therapy too - or is even doing that too dangerous at this point. Not being flip with that question - totally get were you are at.

Stay safe.

Rev

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Concerned2020:
Sounds like you are in a tough relationship.  When you mention extreme emotional abuse & physical abuse & extreme jealousy, I'm concerned for your safety.  Do you have a safety plan in place?

He has been married twice before (me once before) and he claims that both his ex wives cheated on him.

  Do you still believe that both his prior wifes cheated?  Could it have been a red flag that he had a jealousy problem & a signal of things to come?

We are seeing a therapist tomorrow who thinks it is a good idea to "start fresh".  "Get all the untruths I've ever told him out on the table and get to a point of understanding between he and I".

What credentials does the therapist have?  Any experience with personality disorders?

Untruths on the table?  How about relationship issues from each person's prospective?

The strategy of "getting all untruths on the table" scares me for the following reasons:
1.  It could be overwhelming for someone with BPD.
2.  It's highly unlikely that your husband will put much of anything on the table or can admit to many of his issues.
3.  Be careful about what you put on the table in one big pile.  Your past, before marriage, is your past. You don't want to feed his extreme jealousy
4.  The type of jealousy you describe, probably won't change.  There has to be a desire to try and change & it would be a long bumpy road.

If you don't have a personal therapist, that you see by yourself, you might consider getting one. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.

You are looking for input on how to handle the therapy session tomorrow.  Given that we have just hours to work with I am not sure what guidance to give.  I have more questions and no answers except to say that I think you should be truthful and say *a version* of what you said here: 

There are no more untruths in my life.  Over the last 2.5 years, he has violated every boundary I never knew I needed.  I do not know what to do.

It's all ON the table.

Can you post some ideas you have for how you can say what you said her but in the therapy session?  This needs to be in your words, we can help you but you need to find your words and voice.

Have you or your husband met with this therapist individually?   I know sometimes that happens in couples therapy.  I am wondering what prompted the T to make the comment about putting everything on the table.  Does your husband bring up your supposed lies in therapy?

Talk with us.  It is going to take time to sort through all of this and you will need more support than you can get from just one thread so I hope you continue to post.  We have tools and communication strategies that can help but they take time and practice to learn.

[Concerned2020]

Good morning again everyone.  Thanks for the replies.  I'll try to answer all your questions.  My home computer is not working properly,  so.im doing this from my phone.  Please bear with me.
My husband has been seeing this therapist for about a year.  Prior to the "big physical abuse episode ", he wasn't seeing any therapist.  So, this is his therapist.  And over the last year, I have gotten some indication that he isn't being honest with his therapist,  so I asked him if I could attend some sessions with him.  He agreed. Now, God only knows what he has told this man, but the therapist says that we need to stop the "back and forth bickering " and "repeating the same old argument " and just have a "truth day". So now, when I go in there today,  my fear is that the therapist will think im hiding things and unwilling to have a "truth day" because I have nothing left to answer to. There's a huge part of me that feels like I never have.  It's all things that happened before I ever knew him. But, in order for you guys to try to understand his point of view,  I will tell you exactly how he thinks. Before I knew what I was dealing with,  before I had any indication of who he is, i was a bartender and he was my customer.  The first or second time I ever met him, i had just gotten back from vacation with my ex husband and our 2 children.  That's not something that you share with strangers,  so in making conversation,  i told him that I just got back from a trip with my kids. About a year later, he found out that my ex husband was on that trip. He asked me about it and I told him the truth. This was what led to the violent physical episode that I spoke about earlier.  And ever since then, I have been nothing but a liar and I have never told him the "truth about any man"  he has been known to accuse me of "ogling " other men in front of him. At really strange places.  Like, a busboy at the  olive garden,  at my son's college parents weekend,  at a Lutheran baptism for his nephew. And all along he has literally bullied me into admitting doing these outrageous things because he wears me down. He never lets any slight or perceived slight go. He is a very rigid black and white thinker and until very recently,  i haven't understood what I am dealing with.  I really,  really don't know how to handle this therapy session today. 
Recently I have taken measures to protect myself.  I have a "go bag in my car, all my necessary documents and a change of clothes,  etc. Ive hidden my second car key. I have moved into our basement after a recent incident where he got super drunk and called the police "preemptively so he wouldn't be arrested,  I would ". Didn't work out quite as he hoped. I was sober, he was drunk and very threatening toward the officers when they refused to arrest me.

Oh lord, I am just rambling now. Guys i am in a real mess. Please understand one thing though. He isn't always like this.  He's a hard working man.  When things are good, theyre extremely good. Sorry for the rant. Any help is appreciated.  The appointment is today at 1pm central time

[Concerned2020]

Harri- I know I should have come here sooner, I wish I had.  Let me specifically answer some of the questions that have been asked.  My husband is the only one who has seen this therapist alone.  I plan to ask him today if he wants to meet with me alone. I actually tried to schedule the appointment today with him alone,  but I am not his patient. I do not get the impression that my husband has been very honest with him prior to this.
Regarding his ex wives' infidelity,  my logic would tell me that jealousy has always been an issue in his life, whether he was cheated on or not.  I know that his ex wife (most recent) served him with a restraining order about a year and a half ago after he made some threatening contact with her and he hasn't spoken to her since.  Also, his only son is 21. When I first met my now husband,  it appeared that he and his son had a good relationship.  But for some reason that I will never know,  his son became part of the restraining order with the ex wife and has had no contact with him either.  There are problems and issues with his family of origin.  I never knew his mom, but from accounts by all 4 of his siblings,  she was a wonderful/horrible mom. Physically abusive,  but also very involved in their lives. She passed away 20 years ago. There is a strange dynamic with most of his siblings and him. His closest family is his dad and one brother and one sister.  They walk on eggshells around him too. It's amazing the techniques they employ to not upset him. Alot of apologizing and "i know, you're right" at the dinner table. 

Rambling again,  I know. Just trying to give background and insight

[GaGrl]

If you had to choose three points you want to make today regarding the "truth" of your marriage situation, and back up those points with facts, what would they be? Can you focus on those points? Write them down and use those notes to keep the session focused?

Example...

1. I live in fear of violence.
    Facts -- a. Husband attacked me on (these dates), resulting in (police being called to house, husband arrested, etc. etc.). b. I have moved into basement to avoid DV provocation and feel safe.

2. I live in fear of husband's suicide threats and suicide attempts.

Facts -- a. Husband has made suicide attempts on (how many occasions). b. Husband has been hospitalized for suicide threats of attempts (how many times). c. I don't know how to tell the difference between a "real" suicide threat and a fake one, and I feel manipulated.

Does that help?

[Concerned2020]

YES! Those are the truths that I live with.  But I promise you that if I say that,  my husband will accuse me of many things.
1. Blowing up HIS therapy sessions (sabotage)
2. Deflecting MY grievances and putting him at fault (he'll say I have done it again)
3. Not knowing or understanding what he needs in this relationship.
4. Demanding that I be able to keep secrets from him.

Now, none of these are true in real life. I am afraid that my hands are tied
 Damned if I do, damned if I don't

[Naughty Nibbler]

Consider postponing an "all truths on the table" session, until you can have a private session with the therapist.  I suspect there is a lot that the therapist doesn't know about your husband's behavior, the restraining orders against him & many other things.

The last think you want is to make things worse & to set off your husband on a tangent of verbal & physical abuse.  You might want to express that concern at the start of a session & see what the therapist says. The session might take a different turn.

[Concerned2020]

Thank you! My husband is thinking that this appointment is not only the "truth telling " session,  but also we will be discussing how I can move back upstairs and back into our marital bed. I have no intention of moving back in the bedroom with him yet. We are still in chaos. I agree that postponing the "truth telling" is best right now.  And I think I will start with the reasons why I went downstairs in the first place.  Try to drop enough of what is really,  actually happening in our life that the therapist might realize that what he has asked is unreasonable and rather inappropriate.  Guys, wish me luck.  Im walking a serious tightrope at this appointment today.  Pray for me

[Naughty Nibbler]

Thank you! My husband is thinking that this appointment is not only the "truth telling " session,  but also we will be discussing how I can move back upstairs and back into our marital bed. I have no intention of moving back in the bedroom with him yet. We are still in chaos. I agree that postponing the "truth telling" is best right now.  And I think I will start with the reasons why I went downstairs in the first place.  Try to drop enough of what is really,  actually happening in our life that the therapist might realize that what he has asked is unreasonable and rather inappropriate.  Guys, wish me luck.  Im walking a serious tightrope at this appointment today.  Pray for me

Sounds like a good plan.  You might consider touching on the problems he created at your prior job, since you don't want a repeat at your new job.

[Concerned2020]

In re reading this thread, I have a few other questions that I haven't responded to.  I did have a therapist (actually two).  The first one was to help me get through the domestic violence that my husband had perpetrated upon me.  When she became frustrated that I wouldn't leave him, I truly felt like she wasn't hearing me.  Second therapist was one that I saw individually at first, but the minute she heard about the domestic violence she refused to see us together.  That's the one my husband accused me of "blowing up" because I didn't want to face the "truth".   

I feel like I should also clarify a couple things.  My husband knows, and will acknowledge the physical violence.  The drinking and abusive behavior.  The many, many abusive arguments that we've had.  He has acknowledged how harmful they have been in our relationship.  But to his way of thinking, my "Lies" and deception are what makes him feel unsafe in this relationship.  He'll say "I have done this before in previous relationships, I don't/cant/wont do it again"  Meaning the lying and the cheating. 

One other important thing I want to tell everyone is that I was drowning our problems until 3 weeks ago.  I quit drinking alcohol, and started reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  But before I did that, He would accuse me of saying outrageous things that fit his narrative when I was drinking, that I KNOW I never said, but I didn't have a defense for it because most nights were hazy.  Now that my head is completely clear, Im realizing the mess I am in, and I am trying to swim through this swamp he and I have created,  and it's very overwhelming to me.

So, for therapy today, I think I might just start with that.  I quit drinking (I had a problem) and it wasn't helping in our relationship.  That's part of my side of the street.  And then we can go from there.  I appreciate everyone's input and guidance.  I'll keep everyone posted when it is safe to do so.  Thank you again

[Concerned2020]

I dont know how to edit or add to a post yet, but I want to add one more thing.  I have NEVER so much as had an inappropriate conversation with another man inside this relationship.  Not in person, not online, not on my phone, NOTHING.  So when my husband accuses me of lying to him about other men, it is absolutely 100% unequivocally untrue.  Drunk or sober, NEVER.  He will tell me how I am just like his ex wife in the way that she cheated on him with an ex of hers.  He is absolutely fixated on my ex husband because he and I used to be close, and his ex never told him the truth about her ex, and neither have I.  There's a lot of paranoia that I deal with. 

One more clarification I want to make.  When he went through an old email inbox he searched my ex husband's name.  The email exchanges that we shared were found in my trash box, and they were from EIGHT YEARS AGO.   I have only known my current husband for 2.5 years.

[Rev]

I dont know how to edit or add to a post yet, but I want to add one more thing.  I have NEVER so much as had an inappropriate conversation with another man inside this relationship.  Not in person, not online, not on my phone, NOTHING.  So when my husband accuses me of lying to him about other men, it is absolutely 100% unequivocally untrue.  Drunk or sober, NEVER.  He will tell me how I am just like his ex wife in the way that she cheated on him with an ex of hers.  He is absolutely fixated on my ex husband because he and I used to be close, and his ex never told him the truth about her ex, and neither have I.  There's a lot of paranoia that I deal with. 

One more clarification I want to make.  When he went through an old email inbox he searched my ex husband's name.  The email exchanges that we shared were found in my trash box, and they were from EIGHT YEARS AGO.   I have only known my current husband for 2.5 years.

In explaining all this I would encourage you to know that we already believe you. We know how to read the signs. You are not at fault.

And so do tell us everything you need and learn that you have only to tell the truth for your own freedom. Once you tell us you can learn to discern how to tell another.

And step by step - there's your path to freedom.

Good luck with your next step.

Stay in touch.

Rev

[Concerned2020]

Thank you Rev. The appointment went predictably poorly.  Now I wont acknowledge any responsibility for my part in this. The therapist tried to interject about his fixation with my past, but he was so angry that he was not hearing anything.  So now he wants a divorce and I am staying in the basement.  I know that he intends to drink tonight. So im repacking my go bag just in case.  The therapist was very alarmed by his anger and concerned that I am in danger.  I should be fine, im locking myself in the basement ⁹

[Concerned2020]

Again,  I need to clarify something.  It was my husband's perception that I was not going to take responsibility for "anything I have ever done ". I was very honest with the therapist and explained exactly what was going on. He tried over and over again to stop my husband's rumination and fixation.  To no avail.  Sad night here in the basement.  He's upstairs drunk and hopefully he will be passed out soon

[I Am Redeemed]

Concerned2020,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been through a DV situation too, and my ex h (undiagnosed BPD) also accused me of lying, cheating, and was fixated on my past.

Do you have a way to lock the door in the event that he tries to come down there and become violent? Do you have a phone with you to call 911?

I can see exactly how the therapy session was unfruitful. For what it's worth, a lot of domestic violence experts say that couple's therapy is not recommended when there is physical abuse in the relationship because things brought up in therapy can be a basis for the abuser to commit further acts of violence upon the victim. Individual therapy is recommended for situations involving DV until the violence has been addressed and the abusive behavior is in remission.

I understand how hard it is to find a therapist that will listen and support you even if you decide to remain in a relationship where physical violence has happened and may happen again. I know it is tough to reach out when you feel that people will just tell you to leave, but have you considered seeking out a DV agency or hotline just to talk to someone or get some information? thehotline.org has an online chat feature if you do not feel comfortable calling.

Do you have a place that you could go if you needed to leave quickly should he get violent or threatening again?

[Harri]

Hi concerned.

I am sorry things went the way they did yet I think it is good the therapist was able to see even a small part of what you have been dealing with.   When it comes to situations like this with domestic violence involved, it is important to get it out in the open, to let a few select others know what is going on.   Having people you can go to should you need to talk or a place to stay is important.  Also having a Safety Plan is important.  The one we have here, that I just linked, is based on the one used by the national DV organization.

Can you tell us more about the DV you have experienced from him before?

[Concerned2020]

Thanks guys for the replies.  I am in a locked room in our basement and my phone is always on the charger. Im safe as long as I stay away from him. I will explain the type of DV that he has put me through . Im going to tell this story with the expectation that people will not judge me for eventually going back to him.

 As I stated earlier somewhere in this thread, when my then- boyfriend- now husband found out- a year after i told him that the trip I took was with my kids--- that my ex husband was there too, he found out by looking at my kids' social media pages. We argued and argued about it to the degree that I had decided that I had had enough.  I was working full time and one night after a particularly nasty text fight, I was resigned.  I had to leave him.  So, I hadn't packed clothes for work the next day, and needed to stop home briefly to pack a bag. I was going to stay at a girlfriend's house and we could decide what to do from there. In the short time i was home, i sat at our table and he started back in on me. Exhausted,  i just dropped my shoulders and said "what's the point? We're done". He reached over and grabbed my hair by my bun on top and proceeded to hurt me- badly.  He's a champion former wrestler and has been a collegiate coach for much of his adult life.  He is STRONG.  He put me into various wrestling holds, he gouged both my eyes, he cut off my airway to the point of blacking out.  When i would come to, I'd be vomiting.  And he just laughed and sneered at me. For two HOURS this went on. I begged for my life. I screamed and screamed for help,  but no one came. 

And when it was all over, he finally let me leave.  I called the police and had him arrested and I spoke with a rape and abuse crisis counselor (and have many times since).

Eventually,  I dropped the order for protection,  asked him into my apartment and watched him cry about what he had done for days. He was so convincing.  I had never seen him cry before. Anyway- that was the WORST time. There have been smaller altercations that have gotten me bruised ribs, a bloody face,  etc... but it has been a while.  Right now I am just sad. I have stood by him through that incident,  all the suicide attempts and hospitalizations.  And I have tried with all my heart and soul to be a good wife. I feel truly betrayed

[I Am Redeemed]

That took a lot of guts to share that. Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us what happened to you. I know how hard that is, especially risking the judgment that people face when they reveal that someone has hurt them in such a manner and they have chosen to remain in the relationship.

My husband once strangled me until I blacked out. It took a few minutes for that to happen, and I thought I was going to die. When I woke up, my left collarbone was snapped in two and almost poking through my neck. I stayed in the relationship for another six years after that. It is hard for me to tell people that even today because I expect a judgmental reaction.

Given the level of violence you have experienced, I think it is a very good thing that you are able to lock yourself away from him and have access to a phone.

Have any of the abuse counselors you talked with ever asked you to take the MOSAIC test? It is a test to evaluate the level of risk associated with your relationship, and it can help you to assess what type of safety measures you may need to have in place in case you need them. Here is a link to it. Could you take the test when you are up to it and let us know what score you get?

Domestic Violence: MOSAIC test

[Turkish]

There have been smaller altercations that have gotten me bruised ribs, a bloody face,  etc... but it has been a while.  Right now I am just sad. I have stood by him through that incident,  all the suicide attempts and hospitalizations.  And I have tried with all my heart and soul to be a good wife. I feel truly betrayed

If those last times (crimes) were smaller altercations then this last time was very bad. I'm glad that you are safe for the moment, but I encourage you to reach out to the resources.  You don't have to go through this alone. Help is out there 

As a man and a father (of a son and daughter) myself, he's  the one that's betrayed you by not protecting you and keeping you safe.

[Concerned2020]

Thanks for listening to that. I have never heard of the mosaic test. I am willing to take it as soon as I am more fully awake 

Last night was mostly peaceful.  I stayed downstairs and he upstairs.  No interaction. Im nervous about today, but i really am a believer that you cant get nervous until you know WHAT to be nervous about.

I woke up this morning to see his wedding ring on the coffee table. Shrug. Not the first time.
Thanks for the replies you guys. As far as him protecting me, I know that he verbalizes that occasionally,  but each time his words mean less and less.

[Rev]

Thanks for the replies you guys. As far as him protecting me, I know that he verbalizes that occasionally,  but each time his words mean less and less.

In the world of - it can't hurt - is there something I could hold up in prayer for you?  I was thinking about a hedge of protection around the inner core of yourself - the piece that is yours and yours alone that no one but you can touch - the piece that contains the potency of your inner beauty and strength.

Be well today in your inner self.

Rev

[Concerned2020]

Yes Rev. Id say that is the perfect thing to pray for. Thank you.

I am not sure what awaits me today.  He might get up and be apologetic,  or he might get up and be defiant.  If he starts drinking right away in the morning- I'll be leaving.  Following morning drinking is usually a long bout of verbal abuse and eventually,  the suicide threat or attempt. I can't keep doing this.  I will never understand why he behaves this way. But I intend to remove myself from it.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am relieved to hear the night was uneventful for you.

How easy is it to talk about relationship issues with your husband when he is not dysregulated?

I just read your latest post and want to encourage you to check out the link I gave you before on how to take a time out.   Knowing how to leave is critical as it can help keep a situation from escalating and it can help keep you safe.  Have you read the link before?