Controlling spouse is accusing me of control?

[DMA2020]

Good evening,
Our marriage is on year 25. As I reflect I realize the unhappy periods for me were times of my spouses drinking excessively, checking out, being tempermental with outbursts, being unhelpful around the house and with parenting, and the worst  the almost daily insults like saying I make poor decisions or that I’m a bad mother.
Recently the insults started including a control freak accusation. As a woman who feels completely out of control because of the disarray he causes, I have been boggled by these accusations. I admitted I sometimes nag because he constantly ignores his tiny part of the housework. Is making someone accountable controlling? He snapped last night when I made a one sentence suggestion (not demand) about an alternative to something he was complaining and cussing about. “Stop telling me what to do! You’re so controlling!” Geez, so later on I calmly expressed my disagreement and he just doubled down listing other things that made no sense either. I mean, I have done some reading and concluded that I am definitely not invading his personal space, checking his phone or computer, telling him how to dress, telling him where or when  to work, deciding where we eat dinner out, or anything along those lines. Comparably, I have realized he has been exercising control in several categories including criticism, gaslamping and intentional avoidance of me.  I’ve been told many times I am a poor decision maker, he insults and later denies he called me names. He sits in front of the Tv every night drinking, ignoring me for hours. I finally told him it’s enough and I’m going to leave, he said he doesn’t care. Now what? Do I follow through? Counseling is out, we went and he was uncooperative and sat there trying to make me look bad. We have teenagers in the house.

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[UBPDHelp]

Hi DMA2020,

I am also new here in the last few weeks and I’m still learning myself, so I won’t give advice.

Our situations are similar in that we both find ourselves here after long marriages and with kids in the house (which complicates decisions, I believe, albeit hard for everyone).  My uBPDH doesn’t drink except maybe a few times a month and generally not in excess.  That said, alcohol clouds decisions, but for my situation is definitely NOT required for dysregulation.

I am also told I make bad decisions.  For me, H is hung up on my bf from before we met. Old bf was a bad decision so every decision after is a bad decision.  Funny how H relies on me for every big decision.

Others on here will likely have questions and sharing examples is helpful.

Some questions that come to mind are:

How often does your H drink?  How much? Do these episodes only occur when he’s drinking?

How long have the episodes been going on?

Has anything changed recently or around the time you noticed a difference?

Was there any life event in his past that made him feel abandoned?

Others more knowledgeable will have “better” questions and actual insight.  I just wanted to get you started thinking about some of the things that others asked me that helped gain some perspective.

I’m not sure where you are, but it looks like you’re up late and worried, so I just thought I’d just let you know that you are not alone and that you’ve come to the right place in your search for answers.

There are great resources at the top of the page if you want to get started reading. Boundaries are super important (I am working on this after basically not having any for 25 years), read about JADE, etc.  Keep asking questions and sharing.

Look forward to hearing more from you.  Virtual 

[Dungahass]

Hey DMA2020,

Just wanted to chime in on your topic. I've constantly been accused of being controlling by my ex. Here is an example from recent times:

I was over at her place during Xmas, we were having a great Xmas morning over breakfast and mimosas. At some point she went to grab a beer from the fridge. Now, she has an incredibly weak stomach, and doesn't take care of her body as much as she should. If she starts drinking too early in the day, it messes her up for the whole day. So I went to her in the kitchen as she was grabbing the beer, and just said "baby just please be careful with the beer and mixing, it might mess you up later". Nothing else was said in the moment, and things were fine until hours later she exploded on me, said that I was calling her an alcoholic and trying to control what she does, that I was saying she drinks too much, and all pleas (JADE'ing, I know) to the contrary on my part were rejected. Even just pointing out to her that its impossible that I was criticising her for the beer while I was simultaneously holding a glass of mimosa in my own hand did nothing to take her off that ledge. I think this happened for two reasons:

1) I had made comments in the past about her drinking.
2) She herself is super worried about her daily drinking due to alcoholism in her family

I can definitely control 1) and recognize things I have said to her that can lead her to feel that way, but 2) has nothing to do with me, but yet I was blamed for it during that episode. Basically she projected onto me her inner turmoil, even if my past comments didn't help for sure.

I have infinite other  examples of this.

For the last year, I have been called controlling (meaning to say, "I can't be with you, you're controlling") dozens of times, all the while she acknowledged being controlling herself. Yet she sees my controlling as us being incompatible and me being undateable, without passing on the same judgement onto her own self-recognized tendency to control others. I know its really hard to navigate. As someone said here recently, trying to make sense of a disordered mind is almost futile.