Hi all, I feel nutty for even posting this but I am so uncertain how to proceed.
Quick background — my uBPDH has been dysregulating with increasing frequency for about the last 6 months (been happening too much for years, but big increase more recently). His go to is my bf before we met that I slept with (30 years ago). That is just the excuse for whatever else is bothering him — right now a change in work is fueling his fear of abandonment as far as I can tell.
The last tirade has been over the last week. We had a b’day party the weekend prior and he spent the whole weekend sulking (I believe I stated a boundary with the in-laws he didn’t like).
No rages until about midweek and then the most vile, awful, hurtful things were messaged with a demand that I acknowledge. The first day I did (I thought I was validating). The next day, even though we had a “normal” night the night before, he sent an even more scathing message. Wouldn’t have thought that possible. Again he demanded that I acknowledge. This time I didn’t. I have told him many times that we get no where with this conversation and I’m not having it anymore. BUT, later I would ask if we could get past it and move on, so guess I was IRing it.
So now it’s been days and we have not spoken (he won’t answer my calls, but this time I haven’t bothered). He’s stayed away when he comes home, but I’ve just announced dinner as usual (he doesn’t join).
So yesterday he decides he’s going away for the night and takes my son. He’s withheld his paycheck for 2 weeks (I’m currently unemployed, but actively looking). He’s actually several weeks behind (business owner) and won’t communicate with me. But, I know he’s so distracted he doesn’t remember that weeks ago he didn’t bring a paycheck.
I’ve been putting money in from savings but can’t/won’t keep doing this. So irresponsible.
But I put some in yesterday to “cover” his weekend. Our bank allows overdrafts but incur a fee every time. He should have had enough for a hotel and a dinner, but he went to a very expensive dinner and hotel so he overdrew our account, which is going to get worse with fees. I can put money in to see if our current situation resolves.
I don’t like discussing money issues with him unless I have to because he is very triggered by them and I now am scarred by this (so many things I do are by avoidance, ugh).
My options:
1. Break the no messaging (he won’t speak to me in person or on phone) and tell him he’s overdrawn the account, we’re going to incur fees, and he needs to put some money in the account. Also give him the “reminder” of all the weeks he hasn’t brought home a check (I keep paying bills out of money I’ve saved). I know he has a check or two but is deliberately not giving it to me (doesn’t usually do this, but he is triggered). Definite financial abuse/blackmail.
2. Shut off the overdraft so he can’t use the account. I fear this will set him into a rage, especially if he knows I did it. He doesn’t ever seem to get that he spends a lot of money (I believe trying to make himself happy).
3. Just put more money into the account to cover overdrafts and deal with the conversation when he is not dysregulated?
He’s playing mr. nice guy with the kids, but hateful to me so don’t think he’s done yet.
Please share your thoughts/suggestions. I don’t want to undo my boundary by giving him another reason to go off on me, even though he created this situation. I also think there’s a good chance we’re heading to divorce.
Side note, this is similar to his parents divorce and I’m trying to see how that fits this equation.
And, goodness, I need to work on brevity...thank you to those who have read this far and to those willing to weigh in! I keep changing my mind on which approach.
Hi - no you don't need to work on brevity. This is clear and reflective of the gravity of the situation.
My marriage ended when this same dynamic provoked me to tell her that we needed to open up our books and go for true credit counselling.
I share this with you so that you understand that I carry baggage.
The sense I get is that you would dearly love to do number 2 - but fear the consequences. You know that number 3 is really only going to perpetuate the cycle.
So that leaves number 1 - which of course means that you are giving him an ultimatum of sorts - one where the reaction and consequences cause uncertainty - walking on eggshells.
The answer will come when you know in your heart what consquences of number 1 you can stomach - for yourself.
Hope this helps.
Rev
