Lies and setting boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello BPD Family,

please can you help me in this?

My ex and I are back to talking daily and this means a lot to me after not hearing from him for 4 months!

Now after a week I added him back on social media and asked him to do the same. I explained that this was important to me and gave him the reason that in the past he walked in and out of my life a lot and that feeling connected in that way was important to me.

He added me on a few social media platforms but didn't accept my request on Facebook. He gave me the reason: he's barely using it..

Now today I saw him
1. Commenting on a post from a family member
2. Adding a new friend (which isn't me)
3. Updating his profile picture.

This made me feel like he was lying to me.
So I thought I should be setting a boundary here: only yesterday we promised to treat each other right (we're just friends for now though, not back together) and then he's lying right away?

So I explained that seeing him interacting on Facebook makes it seem like he didn't tell the truth yesterday and that I want him to know that I'm an understanding person and that he can be honest with me and that I won't let anyone lie to me.
I tried setting a boundary there and told him about what seeing this made me feel.

He came around with excuses like: "I said I BARELY use it. I've been at work, barely had mobile internet and couldn't look on my screen all the time.."

I apologised for judging him like that, explained where my trust issues are coming from and told him again that being connected on there was important to me.

He just said he understands. He still didn't add me on Facebook though..

How do I proceed? Because to me it feels like he is hiding something from me and I don't know how to express this without destroying our connection. I feel lied to and don't know how to communicate it without hurting him/chasing him away.

I know the BPD family article about how to set boundaries. I feel like I used that technique and in the end I still was the one who apologised - although it still feels like he is lying to me..

Boundary NOT set : (

Please help!

[TheExFiancee]

Hello BPD Family,

please can you help me in this?

My ex and I are back to talking daily and this means a lot to me after not hearing from him for 4 months!

Now after a week I added him back on social media and asked him to do the same. I explained that this was important to me and gave him the reason that in the past he walked in and out of my life a lot and that feeling connected in that way was important to me.

He added me on a few social media platforms but didn't accept my request on Facebook. He gave me the reason: he's barely using it..

Now today I saw him
1. Commenting on a post from a family member
2. Adding a new friend (which isn't me)
3. Updating his profile picture.

This made me feel like he was lying to me.
So I thought I should be setting a boundary here: only yesterday we promised to treat each other right (we're just friends for now though, not back together) and then he's lying right away?

So I explained that seeing him interacting on Facebook makes it seem like he didn't tell the truth yesterday and that I want him to know that I'm an understanding person and that he can be honest with me and that I won't let anyone lie to me.
I tried setting a boundary there and told him about what seeing this made me feel.

He came around with excuses like: "I said I BARELY use it. I've been at work, barely had mobile internet and couldn't look on my screen all the time.."

I apologised for judging him like that, explained where my trust issues are coming from and told him again that being connected on there was important to me.

He just said he understands. He still didn't add me on Facebook though..

How do I proceed? Because to me it feels like he is hiding something from me and I don't know how to express this without destroying our connection. I feel lied to and don't know how to communicate it without hurting him/chasing him away.

I know the BPD family article about how to set boundaries. I feel like I used that technique and in the end I still was the one who apologised - although it still feels like he is lying to me..

Boundary NOT set : (

Please help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

i dont think that you can use boundaries to have someone add you on social media, whether it be one source, or two.

if the goal is to be a more active part of each others lives, youre speaking more, and friends on some social media sites.

for whatever reason, he doesnt want to be friends on facebook.

i would not push for more.

[TheExFiancee]

Hey once removed

I agree

My point is just he shouldn't be lying about it and isn't that something l should be setting a boundary with?

If there are reasons he doesn't want to talk about he can say exactly this and don't make excuses over excuses

[once removed]

what does a boundary about lies look like?

you can ask or tell a person not to tell you lies. what happens if they do?

you can keep asking, i suppose. or you can adjust the relationship, or your expectations, or you can exit the relationship.

this (your expectations of being social media friends, or answers as to why not) can be a messy approach toward boundaries. remember, that the article says "the concept of setting boundaries is misleading".

If there are reasons he doesn't want to talk about he can say exactly this and don't make excuses over excuses

good boundaries arent about pushing him to give you reasons...that wouldnt be respecting his own boundaries. watching his activity and accusing him of lying to you about it wouldnt be, either. strategically, that just makes him less inclined to add you on facebook.

sometimes people have reasons they dont necessarily want to share, so they give a simplified answer. i think thats probably the case here.

i suspect the bottom line is that youre hurt, or you feel left out, by his not adding you on facebook. i get that 

[TheExFiancee]

Let me share my background story to maybe help you understand me better:

I tried dating a new person after my ex. Things went well for two months, we've been together almost everyday and things seemed to be perfect from his side.

Then I found his Facebook profile and found out about his second girlfriend and double life.

He saved this relationship for another few weeks by bluntly lying to my face. Then he blocked and ghosted me when I found out the second girlfriend was real.

I'm not a pushy controlling person, but some things are important to me because I've been through **** myself. And what he's doing right now hurts a lot.

[once removed]

what he's doing right now hurts a lot.

i know it does  . i hate feeling shut out, and misled.

i think that the hurt that you feel is driving a lot of your actions, and approach. it seems like your quest (if not to get him back) is primarily to gain his respect, or acceptance, or for him to prioritize you.

i think that that is compounding your hurt.

it is a struggle i encourage you to let go of - not to kick him out of your life, not to give up hope on getting back together, but to understand that the two of you may want different things.

im sure youve heard the platitude "dont treat someone like a priority who treats you like an option".

i think its an over simplification, and a generalization, but it offers a useful takeaway: dont over extend yourself to the point that a relationship is one sided. respect yourself more than chasing someone elses respect.

when you are able to do that, your actions are guided by confidence. the bonus is that its very attractive.

[WorksNeverDone]

I completely empathize with your feelings of wanting to feel respected and worthy of the truth.  Once Removed is completely on point though.
I've tried to set boundaries around being told the truth...but everyone's definition of "truth" ends up being different.
E.g., I once asked my wife (after a separation), "if we get back together, do I need to worry about STDs?" (meaning, did you sleep with anyone while we were separated).
Her response was, "No." (because she had used protection and took an STD test)
When the truth of her affair came out, I felt like she had lied to me.  She felt that she had truthfully answered my question as asked and simply omitted details that I hadn't requested.
Rather than setting a boundary about what "honesty" translates to for each of us, I'm more focused on boundaries about how her behaviors/words make me feel and what I'm willing to put myself through.
So, if your ex is making you feel "less than," maybe that's your boundary.  Maybe decide not to "drive" the re-connection of the relationship if his actions (or lack of actions) are making you feel disrespected or kept at arm's-length.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I know the BPD family article about how to set boundaries. I feel like I used that technique and in the end I still was the one who apologised - although it still feels like he is lying to me..

You can only set a boundary for things you control & can enforce.You have no control over whether someone lies to you.  You can set a personal boundary that you won't be in a committed relationship (or have a friendship) with someone who lies (you can control that).

It appears that he has a personal boundary for himself, that he doesn't want you to have access to his personal social media.  He has control over who has access & he can enforce.   He set a boundary that he can & has enforced.

As others have suggested, best to step back & take it slow.  He doesn't want to give you access right now.  The more you push, the less he is likely to want to give you access.

[TheExFiancee]

Thank you very much for your advice.

This made me realise how much l was pushing there so what I did is telling him exactly about WHY this would be important to me personally and that it is something that means a lot to me because of how I've been lied to in the past.

I apologised for the drama, told him this is not worth fighting over, although l don't understand why he doesn't wanna be Facebook friends our friendship means much more and I don't wanna fight about this any longer

I got silence for a few hours and went to bed without hearing from him


The next day I logged into Facebook and saw that I've been added


You mustn't get into stubborn fights, I see
Thank you for helping me solve this problem

I'd love to open a new thread to share with you what happened over the past weeks and I hope your thoughts can bring me further once again

Thank you