What have you given up b/c of BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been getting amazing help and insight and tools from all of you wonderful people here...thank you!

I’m just curious about two things.

First, what things, if any, have you given up b/c of BPD?

Second, do you ever reflect on yourself and wonder if you’re the one who has BPD or traits?

I’ve given up relationships, autonomy and the ability to make a decision without checking (direct reaction to fallout, bad move I now know). 

For traits, I feel like I’ve become a bit dishonest. An example,  I sometimes try to handle problems without telling my H because I know it will set him off. Originally I thought I was “saving” him from the worry if I could just take care of it, but admit it was just as much, if not more, that I didn’t want to deal with his reaction on top of the problem. Nothing big, but a kid getting into some trouble and knowing he would make it bigger.

Not proud of myself and know not the “right” approach, but after years, just slowly began trying to protect myself.

And, I’m generally (or was) honest to a fault. (Being honest about my old bf gave him info he then twisted and raged about).

I have more examples of each (thankfully not as many traits!), but really just wanted to start the conversation and maybe learn how others have corrected course.

Thanks!

[UBPDHelp]

I’ve been getting amazing help and insight and tools from all of you wonderful people here...thank you!

I’m just curious about two things.

First, what things, if any, have you given up b/c of BPD?

Second, do you ever reflect on yourself and wonder if you’re the one who has BPD or traits?

I’ve given up relationships, autonomy and the ability to make a decision without checking (direct reaction to fallout, bad move I now know). 

For traits, I feel like I’ve become a bit dishonest. An example,  I sometimes try to handle problems without telling my H because I know it will set him off. Originally I thought I was “saving” him from the worry if I could just take care of it, but admit it was just as much, if not more, that I didn’t want to deal with his reaction on top of the problem. Nothing big, but a kid getting into some trouble and knowing he would make it bigger.

Not proud of myself and know not the “right” approach, but after years, just slowly began trying to protect myself.

And, I’m generally (or was) honest to a fault. (Being honest about my old bf gave him info he then twisted and raged about).

I have more examples of each (thankfully not as many traits!), but really just wanted to start the conversation and maybe learn how others have corrected course.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jaded7]

I'll go. Note that my gf is undiagnosed, but very clear something along the lines of bpd and npd is going on...

I never say anything about my business, good or bad, because I KNOW she will tell me that I'm doing it wrong or badly. If I say something really good, she'll give a halfhearted 'nice', if I say something went wrong she'll lecture me in a condescending tone. She jumps on my Instagram page to tell me how bad I am at it and I used to cringe and double think every post because I knew she would look at it and send a DM telling me that the grammar is bad, the reference is wrong, the article I cite is from a stupid source and nobody will respect me, etc etc. But, she never even offers a like on my posts to help build engagement. She has told me my business is stupid, won't come to events at it, ever.

I don't talk about my sister and her troubles with her divorce because she'll say that she doing everything wrong, is too hard to handle because she struggles with her attorney's

I don't talk about my family because she says we're dysfunctional

I don't dare talk about what food I've eaten, and I've even lied about the food I had for lunch or dinner for fear of a condescending lecture about how I'm a child and I eat 'sh**ty' food. And I'm not an adult because "I'm worthless in a grocery store". She's told me I'm a "fraud wellness professional" because I don't eat the food she thinks I should. She never, by the way exercises, and I"m a nationally-known expert in my fitness field and have taught Olympians.

I quit forwarding political articles to discuss because the sources I follow are terrible and nobody would believe them.

In essence, I just listen to her talk about her ex-husband and son, that's it. For hours and hours on end, reading forwarded emails and texts and telling her great she is and what a narcissistic bully he is.

I don't talk about my friends because they are losers or "pompous assholes"

I don't have parties at my house because "why would she want to be around my friends"

And yes, I wonder if I have bpd traits, and I'm almost certain that she would say I do. I do have abandonment issues from childhood sexual abuse, and I"m definitely co-depending, but I've never gone into rages, never criticize her ever, never gotten needy and demanding for attention, and generally feel pretty good about who I am. I don't think I'm bpd.

[blacksymphony]

Mine is going to be one of the more extreme lists.

-I’ve lost 3 jobs to date
-I’ve given up modeling (hubby too jealous)
-I’ve given up being an Instagram influencer (hubby rages over insta and guys giving me likes/comments)
-I’ve given up the people I love (hubby rages over all friends that they are bad influence and doesn’t get along with family)
-I’ve given up my love my little pet bird whom I miss the most from everything (she lives at home with family and I can’t visit often)
-I’ve given up art and drawing (he’s not against this but I have no time on top of having to calm him down all the time)
-I’ve given up honesty (I have lied to my husband for minor inconveniences or job loses to try to avoid a fight - because I am so full I can’t take it anymore)
-my mom and sister (rages if I as little as text them)
-the music I listen too
-I’ve become emotionless - the stuff that used to get me to cry don’t effect me anymore
-I’ve learned to tolerate abuse (physical and mental)

List could probably go on and on. I honestly feel I’ve given up myself. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t recall the last time I did something for me...

I recall asking myself one time if I might have BPD. But I know I have problems and can point them out, stress anxiety panic depression etc.. but BPD is definitely not one of them. I don’t remember the last time I raged, I’m so quiet : )

[CHChuck]

I’ve been getting amazing help and insight and tools from all of you wonderful people here...thank you!

I’m just curious about two things.

First, what things, if any, have you given up b/c of BPD?

Second, do you ever reflect on yourself and wonder if you’re the one who has BPD or traits?

I’ve given up relationships, autonomy and the ability to make a decision without checking (direct reaction to fallout, bad move I now know). 

For traits, I feel like I’ve become a bit dishonest. An example,  I sometimes try to handle problems without telling my H because I know it will set him off. Originally I thought I was “saving” him from the worry if I could just take care of it, but admit it was just as much, if not more, that I didn’t want to deal with his reaction on top of the problem. Nothing big, but a kid getting into some trouble and knowing he would make it bigger.

Wow - I am going through an absolutely crazy few days with my highly-functioning UBPD wife at this very moment. Of course, according to her, I am the one who has BPD, a very special kind that only surfaces for her and her sister, who has not spoken to me in 10 years.

Mostly I want to say my experiences are  so much like your. I've had an incredibly tough day because my wife and her sister have been going back and forth about how unhealthy I am. Then, her sister is pushing my wife to see an attorney. Meanwhile, both adult daughters and the family who has lived with us are at their wits end with her.

Your message is so validating because I've given up so many of those things, covered for my wife, and spent my life clearing the way for her. So much so that I did not work for nearly 30 years. Every time I tried, absolute chaos would ensue.

I say you were/are wrapped in managing your UBPD. I am learning to set limits with mine and it's helping me. Initially, I am experiencing tremendous backlash, but at least I am able to emotionally pull back. I can honestly say I have not raised my voice in more than 6 months...and I have recordings to prove it!

[CHChuck]

I don't dare talk about what food I've eaten, and I've even lied about the food I had for lunch or dinner for fear of a condescending lecture about how I'm a child and I eat 'sh**ty' food. And I'm not an adult because "I'm worthless in a grocery store". She's told me I'm a "fraud wellness professional" because I don't eat the food she thinks I should. She never, by the way exercises, and I"m a nationally-known expert in my fitness field and have taught Olympians.

I just can't get past these "YES!" moments. This is directly from my life...just yesterday. I wrote out a statement to honor her feelings yet set a limit about eating. I state, "I understand you think I eat poorly and am out of shape, but I don't hold the same opinion. Moreover, I lift weights an hour a day and ride my bike 6 hours a week. At 53, I know how to eat" My wife's response was, you eat too many processed foods, drink too much soda, and your health is going to fail. Then, I'll have to take care of you.

She left out the fact that I nurtured her through a year of chemo (she's cured!) and have done ALL the cooking, shopping, etc the past 10 years because she had experienced slight foot pain.

[jaded7]

I just can't get past these "YES!" moments.
Moreover, I lift weights an hour a day and ride my bike 6 hours a week. At 53, I know how to eat" My wife's response was, you eat too many processed foods, drink too much soda, and your health is going to fail. Then, I'll have to take care of you.

She left out the fact that I nurtured her through a year of chemo (she's cured!) and have done ALL the cooking, shopping, etc the past 10 years because she had experienced slight foot pain.

Yes, exactly here. I ride about 5 hours a week and am in outrageously good shape, lift 3 times per week. I eat decent food, no fast food, no sodas, no candy...very occasional donut. WHO CARES! I'm healthy, very healthy. As a fitness professional, I've never once talked to her about exercise, told her that she's unhealthy, lectured her or demeaned her about not exercising. And I lecture on the health benefits of exercising.

My wife's response was, you eat too many processed foods, drink too much soda, and your health is going to fail. Then, I'll have to take care of you.

This is shocking to me. That's exactly what she's said to me many times- I'll have to take care of you, or I want you to be around a long time (in the beginning when it first started) or when she realized I used chewing tobacco she got so mad it was unbelievable (told me I "forced her to issue an ultimatum- must create a cessation plan, do research on cessation, create a document and show it to her. Told her I would start immediately and work for an hour and bring it up to show her as she went up to bed, she said ok...was asleep when I got there)..anyway, she told me she didn't want to take care of me if I got sick from it. That was her issue.

[UBPDHelp]

Yes, agree!

The food thing.  I’m on the opposite side and not taking great care of myself BUT it is constantly being pointed out.  I’m an emotional eater and since H’s dysregulations have increased, I have emotionally eaten into an extra 20 pounds. It is my fault because it’s a terrible coping mechanism. It’s hard to focus on me with 4 kids, work, and his upheaval/moods, but I’m setting boundaries and my health is becoming a priority.

I’m currently between jobs now, he always finds that I am being “taken advantage of” and has pushed me to quit. Then he’ll constantly say he has to pay for everything.  Um, no, I paid tuition for 2 kids. And if he takes credit for that, then I paid the mortgage. But he takes credit for it all...and then what did I pay for?  I had the same job for 15 years and they sent jobs abroad so it phased out. Since then, I had a job for 3 years that he freaked out over.  It was after a bad dysregulation a couple of years ago and I didn’t realize he wasn’t back at baseline.  We discussed how my new boss was handling an interaction with me and he blew it up.  Still my fault because I didn’t have to listen but I just believed he was trying to help me, looking back I know he just wanted to cause disarray in my emotional life like he was feeling.

Family.  My family is horrible.  They are not. He told me interactions he had with them and was really angry so I just put some distance for a while and then he just reinforced and reinforced how horrible they are. Some of the things he told me I really believed happened.  Not nice but not huge deal. They morphed into bigger slights and I became avoidant to keep the peace. I regret it deeply but the dysregulation that would ensue is more than I can handle right now. Family would have pointed out his BPD traits (not that they would know BPD, just the bad behavior) so by alienating, they maintain control.

And my H has zero empathy. He has a splinter and we’ll talk about it for 3 days. I have an autoimmune disease with joint pain, fatigue, etc., etc., and he tells me I don’t, zero sympathy, no back rub or even compassion. He gets mad if I’m tired or say I don’t feel well. He’ll say I’m always sick. Um, no, I haven’t been sick in 3 years (so far the autoimmune hasn’t stopped me from anything and is simply underlying with manageable symptoms). Meanwhile he’s been sick 3x a year and I will wait on him for a week and then he’ll say I don’t care about him.

I’m learning to not JADE this nonsense and simply give no reaction. I think he’s starting to notice and I’m just detaching. But I wonder what kind of life that is.

And, I know I don’t have BPD either (don’t rage, don’t twist, etc.), but my avoidant behavior feels dishonest and I often feel like a failure in that regard.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Interesting how so many  are so similar.

[WorksNeverDone]

I've given up almost any social life.  She didn't want to spend her time with my friends, has no friends of her own and would inflict emotional "punishment" if I chose to spend time with other people instead of her.
I quit the band that I was in which was becoming quite successful.
I've given up the opportunity to take over and run the family business.
I've given up promotional opportunities and taken a back-office role because the demands of our relationship were too time/emotion consuming and I was failing at my job (which I was really good at)
I've given up vacation/travel opportunities because she wasn't invited.
I've not been the father that I wanted to be in order to try and talk my wife through her existential issues for hours and hours...leaving my daughter to entertain herself.
I've given up some portion of self-respect because I've continued to stay with her despite her numerous affairs.
I've given up some level of my health and well-being by allowing myself to fall into depression and hopelessness for extended periods of time because I felt trapped by a choice between divorcing a woman who has Stage 4 cancer or staying in the relationship to spare my daughter the question "why did you divorce mom when she was dying."

All of that said...I now accept that those were my choices.  I didn't understand BPD, I was afraid of triggering her emotional outbursts, so I tried to fly under the radar and do whatever kept her calm.  It didn't work.  To her credit, she is aware of the negative impact that her BPD has and is working very hard to encourage me to do the things that make me happy, regardless of her response.  We have actually come a long way and I am much more hopeful than I've ever been.  I'm not going to live as a victim any longer.  But those are the things I've chosen to give up in the past because of BPD.

[jaded7]

And my H has zero empathy. He has a splinter and we’ll talk about it for 3 days. I have an autoimmune disease with joint pain, fatigue, etc., etc., and he tells me I don’t, zero sympathy, no back rub or even compassion. He gets mad if I’m tired or say I don’t feel well. He’ll say I’m always sick. Um, no, I haven’t been sick in 3 years (so far the autoimmune hasn’t stopped me from anything and is simply underlying with manageable symptoms). Meanwhile he’s been sick 3x a year and I will wait on him for a week and then he’ll say I don’t care about him

The zero empathy thing is something I have found to be so difficult to understand. I have huge empathy and will spend hours on the phone talking with her about her issues (almost always about her ex husband and how evil he is... I came to realize this is super unhealthy behavior and probably worth some real thinking about that), hours talking about how she's feeling about things.

If she's tired from being busy I'll encourage her to get to bed early, I'll send her food for her and her son, I'll check in with her to see how she's doing, etc. If she's sick, I'll check in and call and text to see what she needs, but she always says 'nothing', then gets so mad at me that she stops responding to calls and texts because "my friends don't need to ask what I need, they just do it".

But, she makes fun of me for being "tired all the time" and "goes to bed so early". I own a business and have worked every day for 6 years, get up at before 5:30 most days and take a short 15minute to 30 minute nap daily. I typically go to bed around 9:30. If I share a story about something annoying that happens in my business, she'll immediately lecture me about how I created the problem, how she's told me to do something different about it, etc.

[zachira]

Great questions!
It has been many years since I had a relationship with a man with BPD, yet I find it important now to think about what you are asking, as attracting the wrong kind of people into my life is still a challenge. The man with BPD that I dated was someone that a male friend begged me to go out with because the guy kept bugging him. He asked me where I wanted to go on our first date and took me there, anything so I would like him. He was controlling, demanded I give him the key to my house several times, which I didn't. He eventually accused me of cheating on him, which is something I have never done to any man, and I threw him out of my house.
I realize now that I had no criteria for a relationship. Being in a relationship with a disordered, man whether he has BPD or not or something else, always led to my self esteem just getting worse and worse over the course of the relationship. The best relationships I have had, involved men who helped me to be my best self, including giving me kind feedback on how to be a better partner and person.
As far as having BPD myself, I have wondered about it, and finally have realized I do not have BPD like my mother and siblings. I am very aware of dysfunctional behaviors and do not have emotional meltdowns. I have had to work hard to mature because of the dysfunctional behaviors I was raised with.