It’s hard to put a finger on what’s going on.

[OpeningEyes]

Hello! I’m new here. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. It’s my first marriage but he was married once before for two years. I knew when we we’re dating he processed his emotions differently than me but over time that divide has gotten worse.

Since he is unwilling to talk to his doctor or a therapist about his emotions, it’s hard to put a finger on what’s going on. After reading lots of books (Including “Stop Walking on Eggshells”) I think he may have signs of BPD.

He is very concerned with coming first to people. He’s an only child but has never felt like he came first to anyone, including his parents who divorced when he was a small child. From my perspective, his mom has always gone out of her way to put him above everything else but he says she always put work first. I wasn’t there in childhood with him and I don’t want to invalidate his experiences. I can definitely see why he believes that about his dad, since we’ve gone almost a year without seeing him even though we’re in the same town.

In friendships, I’ve seen him do what I think is “splitting.” He has a lot of long term friendships, but I’ve seen him completely write a friend out of his life for unexplained reasons. He didn’t speak to that man for well over a year, or return any of his texts or messages after they took a trip together. Now they’re speaking again but it’s tenuous.

He is extremely sensitive to any perceived rejection. When he finds out our friends do something without us, he gets so hurt he claims he won’t miss them if he never sees them again. He says it just shows that no one puts him first and everyone hates him.

As for our personal relationship, he doesn’t want to talk about hard stuff. He’s gone through a lot the last few years including testicular cancer and chemotherapy (he’s considered pretty much cured now). He hasn’t sought out any professional help for the ptsd he experiences or anxiety and depression. He says at times that life has been awful since chemo. We’ve also had multiple miscarriages since we’ve been married, which were hard for both of us.

He has angry outbursts at times, sometimes out of no where. He also insults me as a joke, and is convinced that his intent means more than the impact his words have. Since he doesn’t MEAN to hurt my feelings, he doesn’t think he should have to worry about not telling me things like “stop talking. You’re annoying” and “Use your brain. Don’t be dumb.” I ask him to stop but he says he doesn’t have the patience with me anymore because of the years we’ve been together.

Meanwhile, he is extremely sensitive to anything I say or do. I’m beginning to dread birthdays and holidays because nothing I give him is quite right, and he takes it extremely personally when I get it wrong. He says it’s another example of me not caring enough about him to learn everything about his interests so I can get him exactly what he wants without him telling me directly what he wants. He still brings up how disappointed he is that he didn’t get a “NFL 100” jersey for Christmas because the one i ordered didn’t have that logo. I feel awful but also at a loss for how to make it right (those jerseys are sold out for the numbers he wants). He brings it up every couple of weeks.

When we found out we are pregnant again, I mentioned that I felt like my grandma may have had something to do with it (she died a week and a half before I found out I was pregnant.) My husband freaked out at me for this and said “So you’re saying my grandpas who died must be in hell since they didn’t help to get us pregnant?” He was furious for days about this.

I’m happy about the pregnancy and he’s over the moon excited. But I’m afraid that if he doesn’t seek help, he might not be his best self for a child. I don’t know how to get him help. I’m going to go to therapy for me but I wish he would go too.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[jaded7]

Just want to welcome you since so many here were welcoming to me in my confusion and hurt.

You're stories sound very similar to my gf, ex gf I'd say at this point. Especially the birthday and misinterpreting what you say or mean. There's a thread many people contributed on birthday or Christmas gifts- mine absolutely HATES my presents, and tells me so in no uncertain terms. Holds on to the hate for years, and brings up how 'PLEASE READty' the gifts were.

My gf is undiagnosed, but from everything I've read here she seems VERY bpd/npd mix.

[pursuingJoy]

OpeningEyes, welcome to bpdfamily  I'm glad you're here. Congratulations on your pregnancy! How exciting!

I think many of us can relate. No matter how hard you try, the love just isn't enough, conversations about intent that are supposed to wipe away anything they did or said, hypersensitivity.

I can appreciate your concern that he won't be his best self for your child. Can you pick one thing that you want to work on or shift? It helps to break down the pieces a little bit.