Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 27, 2020, 11:41:49 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: FaithHopeLove, Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: When do you know it's time to give up?  (Read 1192 times)
pedal9

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: dating
Posts: 13


« on: February 12, 2020, 07:11:43 PM »

This website has been so helpful. I found it several weeks ago when I was still in the phase of discovering that my girlfriend seems to have BPD. I read so many articles, found "Loving Someone with BPD" very helpful and set about establishing some reasonable boundaries. The toughest one for my girlfriend was that I wanted to spend less alone time together (when we hang out with mutual friends she is almost always FINE, but when it's the two of us alone or apart, she goes off the rails). In that space, I felt like I was getting my life back--like I was emerging from some terrible rollercoaster and a fog that was so awful. I felt better, stronger, clearer, and was better able to hear my own therapist who has questioned for several months now why I stay in this relationship.

When I told her a couple of days ago that I wasn't going to continue answering highly emotional emails while I was working she, for the first time, sent a text stating that she felt unstable as if she was having an emotional breakdown, and wanted someone to know "in case it ended up getting more serious." I am a medical provider and know the suicide questioning routine and went through that and called her only close friend who doesn't have a job and could check on her. Later, my girlfriend denied that she was implying any suicidal ideation and played it as though I overreacted.

My point is that this is all getting worse. And the more time I have apart from her the calmer I feel. She was referred for DBT and that will start up in a couple of weeks.

I guess I'm writing here because I have some guilt: about feeling more ready to leave her (we do not live together), about her kids and how they'll be affected, about feeling so much happier in thinking I might break free. I'm trying to assess whether that taste of normalcy is just intoxicating enough that I might grasp at it and feel regretful that I didn't give it more time.

I know that no one here can tell me what to do (nor am I looking for that). But I would like to know that others have been here before me and whether anyone has ever left only to see their ex finally get help and become a more stable person.

Edit: One additional comment... I am so sad to give on this person. She can be so wonderful. But I feel like I've been living in so much stress and that just isn't sustainable for me anymore.

« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 07:20:20 PM by pedal9 » Logged
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Rev
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 377


The surest way to fail is to never try


« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2020, 08:14:32 PM »



My point is that this is all getting worse. And the more time I have apart from her the calmer I feel. She was referred for DBT and that will start up in a couple of weeks.

I guess I'm writing here because I have some guilt: about feeling more ready to leave her (we do not live together), about her kids and how they'll be affected, about feeling so much happier in thinking I might break free. I'm trying to assess whether that taste of normalcy is just intoxicating enough that I might grasp at it and feel regretful that I didn't give it more time.

I know that no one here can tell me what to do (nor am I looking for that). But I would like to know that others have been here before me and whether anyone has ever left only to see their ex finally get help and become a more stable person.

Edit: One additional comment... I am so sad to give on this person. She can be so wonderful. But I feel like I've been living in so much stress and that just isn't sustainable for me anymore.



My brother....

Welcome and thank you for this heartfelt testimony.  I can sense that you are looking for the space in which you can exist comfortably.  It can be so, so hard to watch people we love suffer by chasing their tail, so to speak.

If she has agreed to counselling, then you should pat yourself on the back - because for someone to be in the space of another, and provide enough positive energy that they can face their darkest selves.  

I would tell you that the opposite is likely true. So few face their demons. And I tell you this, because your positive influence in her life is so exceptional. What would it feel to ask yourself, instead of how will people make it without you around any more, but how much worse would things be if you had not invested as much as you have?

Godspeed.  If she deserves peace in her life, if her kids deserve peace in their lives, then you deserve peace in your life. Consider that you may have been the best bridge to cross the widest divide in her life.

Rest in that.  You did good.

Rev
Logged
pedal9

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: dating
Posts: 13


« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2020, 11:35:34 PM »

Thank you, Rev. That is a perspective I hadn’t yet considered. And it is so very helpful for my heart.
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 16114



WWW
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2020, 08:35:27 AM »


We really can't answer the "when it's time" question for you.

I would encourage you to consider if there is a pathway forward that works for you.  If there is, why not walk it and invite her along.  If she chooses to walk away, then there is less for you to decide.

Same thing if she chooses to walk with you in a way that works for you. 

Do you see the shift in mindset?

Best,

FF
Logged

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5118



« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2020, 08:56:00 AM »

Like so many of us here, you might be immersed in the  FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

You don’t have an obligation to be a caretaker to an individual with a personality disorder, and you can choose to live your life in a way that brings you joy and fulfillment.

That you’re not living with her, but dating is wise. Typically the more invested we get in these relationships, the more these signs and symptoms show up.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
pedal9

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: dating
Posts: 13


« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2020, 12:23:07 PM »

I have worked very hard to stay true to my path and only now as I come out of the FOG am I realizing how often I've compromised my own life choices just to avoid conflict.

This actually touches on one of the aspects of advice for those of us who love people with BPD that has given me pause: I work hard to validate, to keep my own emotions under control, to find ways not to take thins personally or accept blame when a situation is not my responsibility, and I am realizing that if my girlfriend was capable of doing just a fraction of these actions that it would help so much. I also realize that she is simply NOT capable. Perhaps the DBT will help. In the meantime, I'm 47 years old. My best friend is just completing cancer treatment (which was a bit of a wake-up call for me and my own life and mortality). I have one life to live and I want to be happy. The major stressor in my life is this relationship (more than owning a successful business, more than building a house that I'm currently in the middle of, more than my family stress and health problems).

We actually have a process in my family of origin when it comes to advising others on potentially life-changing moments. We ask, "if you [change the thing, whatever it is, ie. leaving a relationship, changing a job, etc.] can you look back and feel proud of your behavior and your actions, and honestly feel like you tried your best—and leave/change the situation without regret?" Until I get to a "yes" answer I keep trying. But right now, my answer is definitely yes.
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5907


« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2020, 04:45:58 PM »

Hey pedal9,

I echo Formflier:  we can't tell you when it's time to throw in the towel.  I would add that, in my experience, when you get to that point, you will know it.  In the meantime, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

I will share one of the turning points for me.  One day my T asked me, "Do you think you've tried everything?"  I replied, "Yes, I think I have."  She said, "I think so, too," which was highly unusual because she rarely if ever gave her personal opinion.  For me, it was quite telling.

Another wake-up call happened when two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.  That's a story for another day, but suffice to say, it got my attention and was a major factor in my decision process.

Maybe this sounds corny, but you're the Captain of your Ship and get to decide on the right course for you.

LuckyJim





Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
CHChuck

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 48


« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2020, 12:03:38 AM »

We really can't answer the "when it's time" question for you.

I would encourage you to consider if there is a pathway forward that works for you.  If there is, why not walk it and invite her along.  If she chooses to walk away, then there is less for you to decide.


Wow, that's an awesome thing to think about as a spouse of a UDPBD who is pushing me to the edge on several occasions.

The challenge is I've spent the past 28 years entirely focused on avoiding the "land minds" she would find when I was at work. Consequently, I quit to intercept the minds, surviving on her substantial family wealth. So, if I walk that path and she does not follow, I might be in some serious financial trouble!
Logged
formflier
Ambassador
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 16114



WWW
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2020, 06:47:30 AM »

Wow, that's an awesome thing to think about as a spouse of a UDPBD who is pushing me to the edge on several occasions.
 

One of he "points" of my comments/attitude is that it's better to be the one "doing things" that your spouse "reacts" to instead of being the one "reacting".

One of the big missions of BPDfamily is to help educate people about what are "healthy" actions to take in a relationship.  Once you get your pwBPD "reacting" to healthy things that you have done...I would venture to say your relationship would be substantially different (and likely much better).

What do you think?

Best,

FF
Logged

CHChuck

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 48


« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2020, 09:17:56 AM »


One of the big missions of BPDfamily is to help educate people about what are "healthy" actions to take in a relationship.  Once you get your pwBPD "reacting" to healthy things that you have done...I would venture to say your relationship would be substantially different (and likely much better).

What do you think?


I feel the karate kid visiting Mr. Miyagi. I think, "Can I bring this person into my next conversation with my pwBPD?"

Your suggestion also takes tremendous courage. I worry that infusing these health things into the relationship she will be the final straw for her...Of course, that's the thinking that's allowed me to give up my life for her these past 30 years.

So, step one for me might be to work on those feelings to become comfortable with the consequences that might come.
----
I am so happy I found this board! The weekend my wife declared to me and her family that I have BPD was one of my toughest ever. But the reading and work I have done to learn about it have been life-changing.  I just hope it's soon enough...Wait, that's the old me talking ;-)
Logged
Rev
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 377


The surest way to fail is to never try


« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2020, 10:36:37 AM »

One of he "points" of my comments/attitude is that it's better to be the one "doing things" that your spouse "reacts" to instead of being the one "reacting".

One of the big missions of BPDfamily is to help educate people about what are "healthy" actions to take in a relationship.  Once you get your pwBPD "reacting" to healthy things that you have done...I would venture to say your relationship would be substantially different (and likely much better).

What do you think?

Best,

FF

Hi FF - I think you are spot on - and coupled with this approach is the opportunity to grow on a personal level - emotionally and ethically.  Unbeknownst to me the person I am with, who knew of my personal situation, watched closely how I handled it before reaching out to me.

Great advice.

Rev
Logged
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
pedal9

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: dating
Posts: 13


« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2020, 10:03:54 PM »

Welp. It escalated tonight. She asked me to promise her I’m committed still and I just couldn’t do it. I had an appointment with my own therapist today so feel extra clear that I’ve exhausted my options, done all the emotional gymnastics possible to steady our relationship. At some point I had to give up. I’m devastated. She begged me to stay. Said she would try harder. Again.

My only regret is not having looked for resources like this sooner. Like 2.5 years ago when I saw the depth of her longing and codependency, or 1.5 years ago when things got so perplexing and caused such harm to our stability and trust. Hey just didn’t know what was happening.

I send everyone here so many well wishes and heartfelt support. Maybe I just wasn’t strong enough in the end. But I just want a normal life again.

<3
Logged
Rev
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 377


The surest way to fail is to never try


« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2020, 10:28:07 AM »

Welp. It escalated tonight. She asked me to promise her I’m committed still and I just couldn’t do it. I had an appointment with my own therapist today so feel extra clear that I’ve exhausted my options, done all the emotional gymnastics possible to steady our relationship. At some point I had to give up. I’m devastated. She begged me to stay. Said she would try harder. Again.

My only regret is not having looked for resources like this sooner. Like 2.5 years ago when I saw the depth of her longing and codependency, or 1.5 years ago when things got so perplexing and caused such harm to our stability and trust. Hey just didn’t know what was happening.

I send everyone here so many well wishes and heartfelt support. Maybe I just wasn’t strong enough in the end. But I just want a normal life again.

<3

This my story to a T - I really needed to force myself to back off this time - having tried to leave twice.  I too go through regret and blame - and it wasn't until I was in year one of my master's program in psychotherapy that the penny started to drop.  And by the summer when it all hit, this time I knew what to do. Mine too laid guilt and anger on top of some desperation.

It still comes to get me, from time to time. I am finding that living into my new goals helps put things into perspective. Forgiveness is in the mix now, but even then, it's well boundaried. 

Good for you - it may be the most compassionate thing your can do for her. 

Prayers headed your way for continued peace, courage and confidence.

Rev
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5118



« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2020, 10:51:16 AM »

Knowing what you already know about her, and understanding that these types of dysfunctional behaviors get magnified the more intimate a relationship becomes, you honestly assessed your feelings about a future with her and realized that you prefer emotional health over a tumultuous relationship with a pwBPD.

Certainly there will be grieving over the positive parts of your relationship, but you are wise to be mindful about your life choices.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Fian
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 511


« Reply #14 on: February 15, 2020, 04:45:58 PM »

The way I approach dating is you are looking at a person as a prospective spouse.  At the point where you no longer see that as a possibility, then you end the romantic relationship.  If possible you maintain a friendship instead.

Marriage isn't a charity.  If she still needs help, then offer her your friendship only.
Logged
pedal9

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: dating
Posts: 13


« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2020, 09:27:49 AM »

Thanks for your support here. It really has helped me make a decision that needed to be made. Take care. <3
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5118



« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2020, 11:23:02 AM »

I wish you the best. Thanks for sharing with us.

Cat
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
waysforward

Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7



« Reply #17 on: March 26, 2020, 01:56:52 PM »

Many on this board have said that the longer a relationship like this lasts, the worse the behaviors get.  In my case, the bpd traits of my spouse have steadily escalated over the years and nearly three decades into it bpd rage or vilification is a daily occurrence.  It can happen at any time of day and for any, often unfathomable reasons.  With three great adult kids and a lot of other good things in life, I have stayed in this for many years in order to keep the family together.   

I can assure you that if I knew about this being my future before marriage, or our first child being born, I would have definitely moved on with no regrets.  I do still retain that option, but am still trying to manage through it.   After this epidemic passes and we complete a couple of 'milestone' events in our kids' lives, I'll reconsider. 

Best of luck to you in finding a partner who on a daily basis is simply nice to you.
Logged
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8206


« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2020, 03:44:52 PM »

I am in a committed relationship (2.5 years in) with a person I truly love. We do not live together--in part because I recognized early on that there were some issues that needed to be sorted out first before taking the next step. She also has kids (age 11 and 14) and I figure I need to be 100% confident before taking on a role as a step parent.

Too good to leave, too bad to stay? It's a very difficult place to be.

You are doing the right things. You found a good book, read good articles, and most importantly, have a very good sense of how to practically apply them.

She is doing the right thing by enrolling in DBT and working on it. Many partners hope for this and never realize it. You have it before you.

I think you are asking, is it enough?

The advice I would give you is to step back, look at everything you know, and ask yourself, would you have done this if you knew then, what you know now. Don't let the 30 months you invested be chains - let them be enlightenment.

Don't weigh too much into your immediate feeling of the fresh air or freedom. We can get caught in the grass is greener syndrome and make bad decisions on it.

Instead, step back and give yourself the freedom to look at the big picture. Feel everything you feel. Feel the love. Feel the great moments. Feel the stress. Feel the frustration. Feel the emotional destruction. She is all of this.

There were a lot of things going on in my relationship. For me, the good largely outweighed the bad. She was incredible. I could navigate the moods. The deciding factor was the drama. In the later years, it always felt like the relationship could be over at any time. I don't care for that dynamic and in reading about the disorder I realized that it wasn't a problem that would ever fix. So I stopped trying to save that relationship.

We were 4 years in. Not married. Two kids. I loved the boys like my own. It was a huge loss to lose them.

My assessment is probably very different than yours, I just shared it as an example.

I'm years out. I had 3 other multi-year relationships before I found one that was right. And it has its complications too. The skills I learned from the BPD relationship help me now.  The pwBPD was an important chapter of my life and that relationship contributed in many ways to the quality relationship I have now.
Logged

 
Lucky Jim
********
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5907


« Reply #19 on: March 27, 2020, 03:00:39 PM »

Excerpt
the bpd traits of my spouse have steadily escalated over the years and nearly three decades into it bpd rage or vilification is a daily occurrence.  It can happen at any time of day and for any, often unfathomable reasons. 

Right, waysforward, that was my experience, too.  At the outset of our marriage, I knew that I would have at least one day of BPD rage per month, which I found workable.  Then it happened every two weeks, then every week.  Towards the end, I faced an episode every day or two, at which point it became untenable for me.  Let me ask you a tough question: what keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?

Excerpt
The skills I learned from the BPD relationship help me now.  The pwBPD was an important chapter of my life and that relationship contributed in many ways to the quality relationship I have now.

Well said, Skip.  Going through the BPD crucible leads to greater happiness, in my experience.

LJ

Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
PeteWitsend
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 470


« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2020, 11:27:25 AM »

Welp. It escalated tonight. She asked me to promise her I’m committed still and I just couldn’t do it. I had an appointment with my own therapist today so feel extra clear that I’ve exhausted my options, done all the emotional gymnastics possible to steady our relationship. At some point I had to give up. I’m devastated. She begged me to stay. Said she would try harder. Again.

My only regret is not having looked for resources like this sooner. Like 2.5 years ago when I saw the depth of her longing and codependency, or 1.5 years ago when things got so perplexing and caused such harm to our stability and trust. Hey just didn’t know what was happening.

I send everyone here so many well wishes and heartfelt support. Maybe I just wasn’t strong enough in the end. But I just want a normal life again.

<3
It's normal to feel regret.  But remember: pwBPD thrive on conflict, and you don't bear any responsibility for that.

I find what adds to feelings of regret are well-meaning, but naive friends who suggest things like "think about how you got into that situation" or "what would you do differently this time?" which make you feel you bear some of the blame for the relationship going sour or failing.  Or even blame for causing some of the conflict!

But that's nonsense.  People who have never been in such relationships simply can't understand that there are disordered people out there who thrive off conflict and will intentionally provoke it and create it when none exists.   They will pick fights, attack you, blame you for their own situation & unhappiness regardless of what you do & say.  Nothing you can do can change this; all you can do is attempt to minimize conflict, but eventually you become like the Dutch kid with his fingers in the holes in the dyke... a person can only do so much, and all those efforts come at the expense of taking care of themselves. 
Logged
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Rev
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 377


The surest way to fail is to never try


« Reply #21 on: March 30, 2020, 08:53:01 PM »

It's normal to feel regret.  But remember: pwBPD thrive on conflict, and you don't bear any responsibility for that.

I find what adds to feelings of regret are well-meaning, but naive friends who suggest things like "think about how you got into that situation" or "what would you do differently this time?" which make you feel you bear some of the blame for the relationship going sour or failing.  Or even blame for causing some of the conflict!

But that's nonsense.  People who have never been in such relationships simply can't understand that there are disordered people out there who thrive off conflict and will intentionally provoke it and create it when none exists.   They will pick fights, attack you, blame you for their own situation & unhappiness regardless of what you do & say.  Nothing you can do can change this; all you can do is attempt to minimize conflict, but eventually you become like the Dutch kid with his fingers in the holes in the dyke... a person can only do so much, and all those efforts come at the expense of taking care of themselves. 


Oh ....  my ..... G....  ALL of this!!!!
Logged
solspectre

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: In a romantic relationship/Engaged
Posts: 10


« Reply #22 on: March 31, 2020, 03:11:48 AM »

It's normal to feel regret.  But remember: pwBPD thrive on conflict, and you don't bear any responsibility for that.

I find what adds to feelings of regret are well-meaning, but naive friends who suggest things like "think about how you got into that situation" or "what would you do differently this time?" which make you feel you bear some of the blame for the relationship going sour or failing.  Or even blame for causing some of the conflict!

But that's nonsense.  People who have never been in such relationships simply can't understand that there are disordered people out there who thrive off conflict and will intentionally provoke it and create it when none exists.   They will pick fights, attack you, blame you for their own situation & unhappiness regardless of what you do & say.  Nothing you can do can change this; all you can do is attempt to minimize conflict, but eventually you become like the Dutch kid with his fingers in the holes in the dyke... a person can only do so much, and all those efforts come at the expense of taking care of themselves. 

And yet another to quote this - Yes, absolutely agreed! THIS, it is so true! Perfectly stated.

And Pedal9, congratulations for finally realizing what you had to do. I think in time you will begin to piece together yourself again after the onslaught of what such disordered minds will conjure, and will become a new creation from what you were before.

Being with such a person, we are servants to the deranged gods and goddesses of madness and terror under the beautiful guise of perfect love. I am still trying to decide myself, but I think I will get there.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
At Bay
Avanzando
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaithHopeLove
Forgiveness
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Katrinalove
LLgreen
Longterm
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
Only Human
PeacefulMom
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Skip
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
truthbeknown
Ventak
vinnie77
wavewatcher
wendydarling
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!