Just a bit of rant and venting off

[Ginntonic]

Last night I had a rather surprising encounter with my exBPD and in order to better process it, I needed to write down my feelings, maybe in hope of also aiding others that have to deal with similar situations. For more context, you can read my post [https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342871.0][/https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342871.0].

So, after my gradual and slow detachment, as well as the implementation of low-contact (living in the same place makes it impossible to go NC), my exBPD came to me last night, choosing to smoke with me on our balcony. She apologised for her recent tantrum and for being extremely rude to me, to which I replied "Ok. It's not the first time you are doing that but I need some boundaries and I need to first respect and love myself." She went on sharing some of her news for some minutes, I acknowledged them and then she asked to give me a "congratulations for the new job" hug, which I accepted with low enthusiasm, not being able to be warm and totally friendly.

I am a bit angry at myself for not keeping absolute boundaries but I guess that detachment is a process and it is going well. I am angry for not highlighting how I am not going to be accepting this kind of behaviour in the future, although I believe that my silence and detachment have shown that. I am still annoyed that tomorrow she is probably spending Valentine's Day with the new supply, despite the fact that she is still trying to approach me. I know I had won her admiration and maybe I was something very good for her (probably better than most of her encounters, who are still painted black) but she was not something good for me and I have to stop accepting toxic people in my life. So, it's a strange day today and maybe I would need to listen to some positive comments that I at least managed to keep respecting myself, without feeding her anger or emotional tornado by just accepting her apology and detaching again.

I woke up with a thought that really stuck with me. Everytime she was apologising, it was like she was offering me a ladder to go up to. I would climb all stairs happily, only to see her pushing me off the top while smiling and enjoying my fall. Last night, I felt that I just looked at the ladder she offered, blinked some times in surprise and then chose to climb two steps. At least I know that if she now does the same, worst thing that can happen is to stumble once and then stand on my feet again.

Thanks for reading, keep the good fight.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ginntonic, I think you're on the right track.  At some point, I predict you will decline to ascend the ladder, because it's unhealthy.  In my view, you handled the balcony meeting well.  I think it's great that you asserted your need for boundaries.  Yes to respecting and loving yourself!  My goal is to love myself enough that I never again allow myself to become the object of someone's abuse.  That's my task!

LuckyJim

[Ginntonic]

Thanks for the words of support. I guess it’s a process and sometimes it feels really hard. I mean, I just cannot understand how fast she is moving on with the new guy, having been dating him for just a month and spending every next day with him seeming genuinely happy and behaving like I am not existing. And to make matters worse, when he is not around she is either trying to pick a fight with me or apologizes for something she said.

I am trying to move on but it’s a hot mess and unfortunately, I cannot stop comparing myself to him and sometimes I am not even certain whether it’s some BpD behavior or I was just allowing myself to fill a void of her life, until someone much better showed up.

[clvrnn]

So, after my gradual and slow detachment, as well as the implementation of low-contact (living in the same place makes it impossible to go NC), my exBPD came to me last night, choosing to smoke with me on our balcony. She apologised for her recent tantrum and for being extremely rude to me, to which I replied "Ok. It's not the first time you are doing that but I need some boundaries and I need to first respect and love myself." She went on sharing some of her news for some minutes, I acknowledged them and then she asked to give me a "congratulations for the new job" hug, which I accepted with low enthusiasm, not being able to be warm and totally friendly.

Hello,

I don't think you should be hard on yourself for not keeping 'absolute' boundaries at all. What you displayed during this interaction took considerable strength; communicating clear boundaries to her and acting in line with those is not an easy thing to do when we are used to blurred boundaries and enmeshment. We can often find negative feelings creeping in, as this is not what we are used to doing, but you did very very well, here.

[Ginntonic]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. It’s true that I had some strange feelings. Part of me wanted to hug her as tight as I possibly could but then again, it’s easy to let go of such thoughts, since she is having her new bf/casual date over almost every day.

It’s really confusing me though. Every time he is around, no one else matters. She is 150% focused on him. But when he is not around, despite the fact that they are probably texting (not my business really but it’s remarkable the fact that she is holding her mobile phone all time), she tries to either pick a fight with me or apologize or find some reason to provoke some kind of interaction.

And the hate. Oh the hate. I am looking to moving to another place for some better job opportunities and she texted some days ago that she really hopes I do, never wishing to see me again. Of course couple of days later she apologized but its so confusing, even if I am trying not to pay any kind of attention at all. Did you have similar experiences?

[once removed]

I have to stop accepting toxic people in my life.

i know that this is a popular notion.

toxic people are everywhere. theyre in your church, your school, your job, maybe your family, on the streets, at the drive through, everywhere.

you cant just avoid them. boundaries are more about how you deal with them. dealing with difficult, immature people, in an even keel, mature way, is a skill.

I am a bit angry at myself for not keeping absolute boundaries but I guess that detachment is a process and it is going well. I am angry for not highlighting how I am not going to be accepting this kind of behaviour in the future, although I believe that my silence and detachment have shown that.

the point of boundaries isnt really to "show" someone something. they arent to teach someone a lesson.

silence, a half hearted hug, these are mainly passive aggressive gestures that telegraph woundedness.

I am a bit angry at myself

accepting an apology, accepting a hug, congratulating someone for a new job, these are difficult things to do to someone who has hurt (is hurting) you, but theyre also a mature way to handle that person, even if you have to fake it till you make it.

so what do boundaries look like in this situation:

(living in the same place makes it impossible to go NC)

living with an ex is hard, really hard, in the best of circumstances. living with an ex youre fighting with, who is bringing her boyfriend over, even harder.

are you looking to move elsewhere, or are you stuck for a while?

[Ginntonic]

Once again thank you for the thoughtful response. I reflected on it and it appears I indeed have a lot to learn about setting boundaries and dealing with the toxicity around me. I am looking forward to receiving my salary, so that I can book my therapy sessions. I just wanted to feel that I am going towards the right path but it’s really hard to do so by yourself.

Her behavior is really confusing. She apologizes after fighting, although she stopped any attempts recently, keeping her distance from me, which is beneficial for both of us. However, she tried texting me about random stuff when in her room and alone, but I am just keeping it nice and typical. I can feel sometimes a mutual attraction, but I can not trust her and I am sticking to just being friendly. I suppose she gets an ego boost by having me interacting with her.

As for moving out, it is not possible for the next two or three months so I have to unfortunately be patient until then. Luckily, I am soon starting my therapy sessions to help my self and work on it!