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Author Topic: Quiet bpd ex abandoned me. Would love some support.  (Read 692 times)
TryingToBeBetter

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up
Posts: 5


« on: January 30, 2020, 02:13:40 PM »

Hello,

I've been reading the boards a bit and seeing so many people who had quiet bpd in their life who would disappear or give the silent treatment really hit for me. My ex of a few years left me with a text and disappeared. However, he did the disappearing in our relationship a lot also. He would randomly not respond for a day to multiple days, sometimes longer. This was torture to me. I always told him as much. He also had a tendency to shut down completely when things were hard or when certain talks would need to happen. Not always, but often. He lied. Talked to other women behind my back (possibly more, what do I know).

There are so many things to go into, but it just seems like too much. He was not officially diagnosed, but after some concerning detachment incidents where he seemed to be not quite in reality during some high stress episodes, he realized that he identified with quiet bpd. He was never violent or even verbally abusive toward me, which makes it harder to reconcile. It's devastating and confusing. No responses to any of my messages, begging, or pleading. I have my own issues with abandonment, which he knows fully. You would think someone who understands that feeling would not do it to another person... Instead he completely abandoned me and hasn't looked back.

I guess I'm both trying to vent to people who get it, because I'm in so much pain and so confused, but I'm also wondering if anyone could tell me if this seems typical for quiet bpd, and maybe to hear others experiences. This seems like a supportive community and I could use some support right now.

Thank you.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2020, 05:30:48 PM by Harri » Logged
catlover93

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 5


« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2020, 03:53:56 PM »

I have gone through a similar experience with my ex. He has not talked to me in over 15 months. I knew the guy for almost six years before he cut all contact on me.

I think it is fair to assume that a lot of exes with quiet BPD do this. My ex would give me the silent treatment for two weeks while he was talking to other women. He is now married to his latest girlfriend, and has a second child now. Do you know if you’re has remarried or gotten into a new relationship like mine has? Sometimes they abandon you once they have found someone new or replaced you. This was the case for me. Does your ex have social media? Has he blocked you? Mine blocked me all across instagram, and whatsapp. To be fair, I blocked him first because I didn’t want to see wedding pictures of him with his latest wife.

I wish you all the best.
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TryingToBeBetter

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken up
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2020, 04:13:30 PM »

He has social accounts, and he didn't remove me from anything. I removed him. I do not want to know if he has moved on, but I think it's safe to assume he has.

It's so confusing. I don't understand the not caring for me as a person after so long. Makes no sense he didn't remove the social accounts either.
« Last Edit: January 30, 2020, 05:32:24 PM by Harri » Logged
SinisterComplex
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 275



« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2020, 10:42:03 PM »

Tryingtobe....oh I wish I could take away the pain and confusion for you. The not caring for you is what it appears like on the surface to you. It is designed that way. Do not try to delve too deep into understanding it beyond that...it will just cause you more hurt and frustration. Your feelings, thoughts, hurt, frustration, will not be reciprocated or respected. It is just the nature of the beast.

The best I can offer up is that you did matter. You were cared for. However, because of the disorder and how the mind is wired due to the disorder he has to run away from you. He cannot take responsibility for causing you any pain. He doesn't want to feel the pain, shame, guilt. He cannot allow himself to do so. If he did, to him it would signal death.

Does causing more hurt and pain make any sense? Hell no it doesn't, but it is often what is done. Does this explanation help or make it easier...I am pretty sure it doesn't. I do understand how you feel and how you are thinking though. Please just be kind to yourself. You will get past this in due time.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-
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Las1604

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Broken Up
Posts: 39


« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2020, 11:03:47 PM »

Last girl I dated was quiet BPD... in the devaluation phase it was awful. I could literally pinpoint the day it happened, and what triggered it. Quiet BPD is in alot of ways (I think) more emotionally damaging than typical BPDs who can show rage / anger and sometimes violence. Quiet BPDs shut down, get this dazed and confused look in their eyes, and don't speak.

The devaluation phase with a quiet BPD is harder because (this is my opinion), the anger / rage of a typical one gives you something very tangible to be turned off by / ignore. Which slightly helps you recover a bit more.

My ex hit 8 of the 9 criteria. The only one she didn't tick off was intense anger / rage.

Hang in there.
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BobsBurger

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 19


« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2020, 12:23:41 AM »

Yeah mine was the same. She'd decide I'd done something horrendous and would just be cold with me for days/weeks till she switched back.

When she finally painted me black for good there was no shouting or anything it was very calmly that she didn't have any feelings at all towards me. I really could have just never existed.

She started formally dating the guy she'd lined up straight away and had a baby with him and got married within months. Now she's doing the blissful family photos of the early bpd relationship... that Facebook seems to have a way of flashing up to me even though I unfriended her.

I agree the quiet bpd is worse.. There's nothing to hate there. My ex was trying to be a reasonably good person in her way although I guess reading my emails and trying to stop me talking to female friends is not great. She always argued that when someone (inevitably) broke her confidence, cutting them out completely and never talking to them again was actually for their benefit and the fairest way to act.

Unlike non quiets, my ex will never be stalking me and raging at me. I'll just never ever here from her again. And ironically enough after all that's happened that is the best thing for me.. Its just taking an eternity for my emotions to catch up
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kisaacs68

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: broken up
Posts: 32


« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2020, 04:02:53 AM »

Hey TryingToBeBetter,

I just wanted to say I totally understand the agony and confusion of what you're going through. My expwBPD left me so abruptly about three months ago and exhibited all the horrifying traits that you describe, the silent rage that gave you nothing to defend or any leverage to improve a situation.

I can still remember vividly each and every occasion in which the silent rage was triggered by the most meaningless things. It was as if a light switched flicked in her mind which robbed her of speech or the capacity to even register anything you said after the trigger. If she said anything at all before she calmed down it would be to gaslight in not so obvious ways and act as if the whole r/s was suddenly crumbling and on its knees.

The final trigger gives me the most torturous flashbacks as I recall how baffling it was to feel as though you had said something wrong. Whats more, her in that mood was the last time I saw her, totally unaware that would be my last chance to say goodbye.

As others have said it creates such an ambiguous target for you to reconcile your hurt against as, in never being violent or verbally abusive, you can't construct a narrative about their malicious behaviour that's easy to define yourself in opposition to. Their meekness is prey for our empathy and gives greater prominence in our minds to the good times, making it that much more of a struggle to let go.

But here's the thing, although it's not obvious and not deliberately malicious, silent treatment and depriving you of any chances to rectify things unless on their terms is abusive behaviour, and it is so so emotionally damaging to be the subject of. In the ultimate devaluation my ex said it was nothing to do with the trigger, despite the obvious correlation, meaning even at the end the playing field was tilted against me. It made me terrified to say the most necessary things and accentuated the totally imbalanced caregiver r/s dynamic.

I get the abandonment paradox. How she could move on in a relative instant when before she incessantly expressed fears of me becoming bored with her or talking to female friends during the r/s. When mere days before the end everything seemed normal. When her hopes attached to you seemed invulnerable. I'm going to carry trust issues for a long time. Demonstrative of moving on with little difficulty is how she hasn't removed me from any communication channels and sees everything I do, yet I have been forced to remove her activity from my sight lest I have daily panic attacks as my brain now sees her as a threat.

It's absurd and makes me feel used. Let your feelings flow and don't be afraid to vent to help your healing. You'll always find solidarity in me and countless others.

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hopeful29

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: boyfriend
Posts: 7


« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2020, 11:07:42 AM »

so grateful for this site and to know I am not alone.  mine has done the same thing, oneday talking about a weekend away and the next day split/discard over what?  they preceive things much differently than us and are so hypersensitive and triggered its just not rational.  I wanted to blame myself for wanting to do normal things like talk about plans for the future but now hes admitted the bpd and has gone into silent mode again saying he will only cause me sorrow right now if anything is expected of him and he 'is closed' at the moment.  I am getting over the hurt slowly and trying to remind myself that this is not about me but it still makes me feel sad when i remember the good times and cling to wanting them back.
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