I miss my child and some days it’s just rips my heart out.

[Thirteen]

My child is no longer a child. She’s mid 40’s and has 5 kids of her own whom she has raised pretty much single handed. And they are amazing and wonderful people!  They talk about BPD people having an addiction. Well I think my daughter’s is mothering. She was never good with children as a young woman, did not babysit or even like kids, but she feels and has announced that each of her children is an absolute star in his own sky. These kids get everything they want, she devotes her entire life to them, and they adore her. Over many many years and many many thousands of dollars of therapy, and posting in blogs like this and getting good advice from people like you I have pretty much made my peace with my situation.

There was a long period of grieving, grieving for the relationship I thought I would have as a mother with my eldest daughter. I still grieve for her, but  the pain is not as sharp. And I miss my grandchildren terribly and love them amazingly and wish I could tell them and wish that they knew that. I realize that I’m 20 years past the situation that many of you are currently in and you have my sympathies and my support. But as difficult as it is when I see her, I miss her terribly and I miss them.

 The only time I ever hear from her ever is when she needs something - money or a babysitter. I literally moved 3000 miles away 12 years ago to get away from an incredibly toxic situation. And she has grown up a great deal and learned to stand on her own 2 feet a lot better since I “left” her. But she told everyone that I “abandoned” her. She was in her mid 30’s, married at the time. My husband and I retired and moved to a warmer climate, something we had been planning and talking about our entire lives. But when we actually did it, she insists now that we “left in the night“ without telling her. Of course that is BS.

One of her sons, ATM, told me last summer that his mother is the best, most generous and amazing person he has ever known. And she is! Thank goodness he has never seen the other side of her and I hope he never does. She is a strange from her brother and sister and their children and day from hers. She has stolen, taking money, lied – you all know the drill I don’t have to explain that part.  I know she has lied to her children about us, and we maintain a cordial relationship with them, but I would like to be closer.

I really have done all this work before. I’ve been doing it for 30 years, since she was 16. And I’m tired. But I miss my child and some days it’s just rips my heart out, even now. That’s all, that’s all I want to say. Thank you friends and sisters for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

That really is heartbreaking. How old are your grandchildren? Do you have hope that things will get better as they get older?

[Huat]

Hello Thirteen

I am not as active in/on this forum as I used to be but every now and then someone in my age-bracket shows up with a story having similarities to mine and I jump in.  While all of us here have the common denominator of having a troubled/troublesome offspring, the rest of our stories do differ.

Rather than re-writing an overview of our history with our estranged daughter, refer to my post to Wambat's... "Am I wrong".

The only reason our daughter has ever given for running away at age 12 was that at the time we had told her she couldn't date until she was 16.  When she got too old to be a run-away, she reverted to periodically cutting us out of her life and the lives of our precious grandchildren...they turning out to be her biggest trump cards against us..  We were surrogate parents to them as their mother slogged through broken relationships, custody battles and whatever other battles she had with life.  In the early years we loved them and they loved us but gradually it became apparent that they watched and learned from their mother's role-modelling.

Our grandchildren are now 28/30 (haven't been "children" for years) and while they are both devoted to their mother, they have no contact with us...no contact with either of their fathers nor those families...nor each other!  Isn't that sad?

The last sentence in your post ("I really have done all this work before.  I've been doing it for 30 years, since she was 16.  And I'm tired.  But I miss my child and some days it just rips my heart out, even now.")…..spoke to me.  I nod my head.  I truly understand.  So glad you found a place to put those feelings into words.

With that said, while I still have my emotional moments, I have learned to move on...learned to "compartmentalize" (is that a proper word?).  Up to a point not too long ago, the compartment in which I had placed those hurtful daughter/grandchildren/woes was large...indeed, overshadowing everything else that was part of my life.  Stumbling upon this forum a few short years back truly was an awakening for me.  I have referred to that discovery as a life-saver...and I mean that to be literal.  I now consider myself to be in "recovery mode" and I am sure that will be a forever work-in-progress.  I am okay with that.  The key word being "progress."

So, Thirteen, I truly do welcome you here.  No matter the age we reach, we will always be Moms who have it in our nature to harbour a sadness when the relationship with our child does not fulfill the relationship of our dreams.  (Sigh!)  I want to point out that this is a safe place where we can let down our hair and expose those feelings that get pent up inside...feelings we shy away from sharing with those around us.  On top of that, it truly has been comforting for me to reach out to others who post...validate their feelings...encourage them to explore what this website has to offer in way of help...and urge them to keep coming back.

((HUGS)…. ...from one grandparent to another.

Huat   ; )

[FaithHopeLove]

As usual Huat gives great advice. I just want to echo the part about compartmentalizing (yes it is a word). My BPD druI also compartmentalize. My pain over the life choices my BPD drug addict son has made that are about to land him in prison break my heart. I don't deny it. But I still find joy and meaning in my own life. I guess I am trying to say it is possible to live with a broken heart.

[Thirteen]

Thank you all. It’s particularly helpful to know others share the emotional roller coaster.  Today is my daughter’s 47th BD. Of course I sent her a short but loving note via email. I will even try to call her later. She will be OK with me - not close, not intimate or warm but probably civil. I guess I just want more sometimes. And I do compartmentalize - LOL, you have to! And even now my other daughter and two young grandchildren are here visiting me. I delight in them and take great pleasure with these kids. On the one hand it helps, and on the other hand it highlights the estrangement from the others. My BPD daughter’s children range in age from 12 -21.   They will see me if I visit them. They will accept my gifts, including a weeks paid vacation in the Caribbean for high school graduation. They are civil, kind, even affectionate. But non-communicative – maybe that’s their ages.  But who feels afraid to call their own eldest child on her birthday? I can overcome that sense of fear or trepidation, but the fact that it exists at all – the fact that seeing her name in the line on an email give me dry mouth and heart palpitations – well that’s just not right. Thanks again for listening. The day will end, it will pass. But I appreciate you.

[Huat]

Hello again, Thirteen

My daughter has sent so many hurtful emails over the years that I truly do understand when you write that seeing your daughter's name on an email gives you dry mouth and heart palpitations.  Let me add the word..."cringe."  It shouldn't be that way...but it is.

I think you have done the right thing in regards to recognizing your daughter's birthday...that "short but loving note via email"...a phone call...but neither one should hint at any expectations of you wanting contact/replies from her.  It will be so much easier on you (and her) as you learn to accept what she is able/willing to offer back in the way of a relationship.

In writing my posts, I never want anyone to think that I have managed to crest-the-hill-of-hurting.  I am a Mom.  A favourite phrase of mine is that I am a work-in-progress...but with the key word being "progress."  I think back to who I was a few short years ago...spent a lot of time weeping...even waking in the middle of the night to feel tears fall.  I had given over control of me...my life.

Aw, Thirteen, this is and will be a life-long journey for you.  You write..."She will be OK with me - not close, not intimate or warm but probably civil."    While miracles have been know to happen, more than likely this troublesome child of yours will always have you at arms-length...no falling into your arms.   So...it seems to be you who is instigating communication with her...and she is responding.  A good thing!  You are role-modelling...taking the high road.

Hope you keep sharing...airing those thoughts of yours.  Putting my fingers on the keyboard, then reading my own words, has been therapeutic for me and I hope it will be the same for you.

More ((HUGS) coming your way from...

Huat   ; )