Taking the last step, need confidence

[Aim]

I am struggling with what I know I have to do...what every professional tells me to do. I have been married  30 years and know that I need to refile an RO and get legal help for issues. He is seeing a mh therapist  and counselor, but the marriage is dead and I see no hope. I just struggle with saying goodbye even though he doesn't  know, I  look at him and feel sad that I know what's coming (somewhat). I feel anxious  mostly due to health issues currently and how I will manage it while trying to keep my home and figure things out financially. I am prolonging this and most of the time  feel confident. I  feel like I  need an advocate to walk with me through  this, but want to trust myself and have faith.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

How are you doing Aim?

Have you talked to a lawyer yet about the legal issues?  I read your previous posts.  I do not have much experience in that area so I can't give specific guidance but I am wondering why a RO is needed?  Why was it done in the first place?  ( I think I missed it in my reading!). 

I  feel like I  need an advocate to walk with me through  this, but want to trust myself and have faith.

We can help you.  Between this board and the Family Law board I think we can cover you pretty well.   

[Aim]

I met with a lawyer and filed an RO because my dbpdh was using and putting me in danger for my physical  health back in September and October. I had everything ready and the RO was delayed a day. I  woke up panicked and shaking in more fear of what he would do when he received  it. So I  stopped it. I had surgery coming up and didnt think I  could manage everything. I  have not met with the attorney again with the fraud assumption. He said he would annihilate me if I said anything. I  have spent the last few months recovering and working  on skills, forcing  myself  to practice  because I was so bad at first. He is on constant anger mode and I have been gathering my health. Most of the time I  am confident  in my decision, but that fear of the process and knowing  my health limitations, triggered by stress, puts me in a hold pattern more often than I'd like.  I met with a counselor  and he said, it's a matter of health and safety and I  knew what I needed to do, I just get stopped in my tracks so often. I  am not just leaving, I'm trying  to stay  in my home because of health issues.  Everything  had to be made safe for me. It would cost more to leave and replace with new. He is seeing 2 providers  and his behavior  hasn't  gotten any better. He went completely volatile in October  after abusing alcohol and drugs for weeks. No part of his decent personality has come back. I  said I  would stay if he got treatment  but it's not a good place to be. It seems like he is getting  worse, is that normal? I  am 9 years from retirement and starting over with the battle of the divorce, knowing  my limitations, I am stuck.

[Harri]

It seems like he is getting  worse, is that normal? I  am 9 years from retirement and starting over with the battle of the divorce, knowing  my limitations, I am stuck.

It can happen that pwBPD get worse when they first start treatment.  What sort of therapy is he getting?

You are in a very difficult position.  It is good you have been working on skills to help you cope and manage.  Do you have a safety plan?  We stress safety a lot here and do not recommend just leaving the relationship without some sort of plan and other measure in place.  We can help you with that.  I gave you the link to our safety plan as a precaution and to help you think through options.  See what you think.

Are you in therapy for yourself?  You are dealing with a lot not just in terms of a volatile relationship and the fraud but also you health.  Getting support for yourself, other than here, may be beneficial and they can certainly be an advocate.  Thoughts? 

[Aim]

He is seeing a counselor and another FNP-C at a MH clinic. I dont know that it is DBT, we dont have a lot of providers in this area that are available. I dont know as I dont ask and just try to be supportive if he talks about it by nodding and smiling. I would assume CBT. The only thing I noticed was that he stated something  to the effect of someone was on his side and agreed with him, in that all the problems were me. That made me smile, thinking he connected and will keep going.  He uses terms like black or white. There were times he used to say he knew what he was doing hurt me and knew he needed to stop. Now, he is just darker all the time. I  think to myself  it makes it easier when I see nothing pulling me back. The 2nd provider put him on Aderall and he was very excited to have "speed" as he referred to it.  I did read over the safety plan, thank you. I did start to see a therapist. I  actually  started last year when my adult daughter was causing a lot of issues. She suggested  to all the family  members in the session that my daughter may have BPD and gave us resources. My husband announced  in that session that he did too, but told me prior to that. So, I was worried  that I  may have it too and worked through all of that to learn how to detach with love with her and 4 grandkids. That's where suffering  takes a whole new meaning! It has felt like a sandwich of MH. I am continuing to see the therapist but he suggested I didnt need to and encouraged the health and safety route with the plan I have. I'll still go, since I can't take that step.

[once removed]

what led up to the RO?