hi otherlife,
I also heard many say that the BPD gives you a gift, that really confused me initially and I am just starting to grasp that as I begin to heal and undertake self care and hopefully progress to self love.
i prefer the term "silver lining", myself. if there is a gift, then by all means, lets all go through this again, right?
we all respond to crisis and adversity differently.
i know that for the longest time in my life, it shrunk me as a person. i became more fearful, more guarded, more insecure; and i carried that baggage from relationship to relationship. this happens to a lot of us, and it makes sense. fear is a logical response to hurt, and to grief, for a time. if we dont reach resolution though, it becomes one that doesnt see, and can close off, the power and opportunity that we all really have to share in lifes riches.
the silver lining wasnt something my ex gave me directly. the silver lining was that i got through it and realized i was strong enough to survive something that rendered me a complete basket case for months, and that made me a more resilient person. the silver lining was that i found this place, and through it, learned more about myself, learned new relationship skills. the silver lining is im not that guy anymore, im far more confident and optimistic about what i have to offer, and what life has to offer me.
"what doesnt kill us makes us stronger" is a cliche, but its also an attitude.
- I struggled to let go but even before I did I kept having thoughts like 'I am addicted to him', 'I cant survive without him', my fear of abandonment was so high but recognised I had to keep the door shut.
- I even thought was I BPD, its worth noting here if I was there is no shame in it but would identify the sort of help I needed.
i admire your attitude here. i went through the same thing. i asked myself if i was BPD. i asked myself if i was NPD.
the truth for me was ultimately that i had some difficult things i needed to face and grapple with. i had loved ones that knew me well, and shrugged or laughed it off. im glad that i didnt take that at face value.
- Actual diagnosis
Sam Vaknin
here is the thing.
if there hasnt been a diagnosis, then in all likelihood, there is no actual diagnosis.
it isnt just that "we cant diagnose". a diagnosis of a personality disorder is very complicated. it is usually a result of severe dysfunction (and im talking more about functioning in day to day life, not just being a very difficult person to love), and in the case of BPD specifically, something like an eating disorder, or a suicide attempt that lands a person in ICU, or a psych ward, or what have you.
for most of us, our loved ones would not reach the threshold for a clinical diagnosis.
which is far from saying our partners werent the most difficult, hard to love people that we ever met. its not to say our loved ones didnt struggle with a level of mental illness or dysfunction, either. while today i would put personally put my ex at about a 4 on the spectrum, she struggles mightily in life, and even more in relationships, and i suspect that she always will, with or without help.
to some degree, the difference seems like semantics. a person who might be about a 2 on the spectrum can be a nightmare of a person, capable of doing horrible things, and an even more difficult person to love than someone who might be an 8. that can be confusing.
when we talk about the spectrum of severity and traits, its about understanding the disorder on a clinical level, and not just as a reflection of the level of difficulty we experienced with our ex loved one. that, i think is very important when it comes to detaching.
Sam Vaknin, at this stage in your recovery, is more likely to hinder understanding and is not a source i would put my trust in. hes an (admitted) diagnosed NPD who largely eschews any sense of spectrum and projects his experience/what hes learned on anyone deemed a narcissist. weve all known people that are very narcissistic. do they all have the same origin and outcome?
a diagnosis was very important to me when i was in recovery, as well, and there was a lot of value for me in better understanding personality disorders, and personality in general. i dont mean to dissuade you from that. i just want to put in perspective what an actual diagnosis of a personality disorder entails; that was ultimately helpful to me too.
lets talk about it. what are the traits, either of NPD or BPD that you experienced and are wondering about?
