Just how much rage should I validate before I call it abuse and move away?

[Linsee]

All this information about validating feelings sounds like it has the potential to make a difference, however I am nervous about trying it with my husband wBPD.  I think he will accuse me of being patronising or fake, or that he will take advantage of my seeming 'compliance' to build into more of a rage.  I have, in the past, tried reflective listening and active listening techniques with him, and it seems to make him worried and a bit paranoid that I'm acting differently to normal.  Often, if I reflect his feeling to him, he uses that as a spring-board to get angrier about the issue.  Just how much rage should I validate before I call it abuse and move away? What do I do if he calls me on it?

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[once removed]

hi Linsee, and

so, there are a few bullet points i like to use when it comes to validation.

1. when it comes to validation, it is of the utmost necessity that it sound sincere and authentic...that it sound the way you really talk. if you sound as if youre reading from a script, yes, anyone will feel talked down to, or that we sound robotic, or fake.

2. think globally when it comes to validation. its not that you automatically "validate validate validate". more broadly than that, people with bpd traits do best in an overall validating environment, one that builds trust. validation is an important life skill, and it has its times and places, but there are many other tools.

3. in that sense, its often easier to start out thinking in terms of "dont be invalidating" (dont make things worse) rather than "validate". if you avoid being invalidating, you will more naturally validate.

4. dont validate the invalid. dont "validate abuse".

can you give us a recent example of how things went down? we can walk you through it.

[khibomsis]

Lol, Once Removed, thanks so much for these pointers! I can recall my beloved once saying "I am sorry you feel that way" in a practiced manner and I wanted to strangle her. Can only imagine what it must be like for someone who is emotionally intense in a BPD way.

Am practicing authenticity so will take your list to heart.

 
Khib