Pressure from parent re visit

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've never looked for advice in public about this issue, but I would love to hear what people think.

I'm 40 years old. I live abroad, and my parents visit once a year (generally I visit them once a year too). I strongly dislike my parents staying in my home, and have solved this issue in recent years by renting an apartment in a different part of the country. This seems to work well. However, I'm now being pressured to let them stay in my house this summer.

To try to be as fair/neutral as possible: I feel that my privacy is being invaded, and that I have to hide personal possessions. I don't share a lot of myself with my parents, but this potential visit makes me feel that I will be forced to do so. I can either try to suggest alternatives, or refuse. The stress of the visit would be great, as would the stress of trying to avoid such a visit. But I do feel that emotional blackmail is involved here.

As  I see it, my parents think they have a right to stay in my home, just because they are my parents, and this is "the normal thing to do". They are well aware that I don't like them coming to stay, but I may not have explained exactly why, as I don't know how to do so without causing them distress. Part of me thinks that I should let them stay, and just 'be nice'. Part of me really resents being forced into this situation.

I don't know to what extent the parent in question has BPD. They have said that they have suffered from depression in the past, without giving details. I feel that I was emotionally blackmailed as a teenager, but maybe this is something all teenagers feel? It sounds quite melodramatic to say...

So, any helpful advice would be gratefully recieved! 

[WendyWong]

I've never looked for advice in public about this issue, but I would love to hear what people think.

I'm 40 years old. I live abroad, and my parents visit once a year (generally I visit them once a year too). I strongly dislike my parents staying in my home, and have solved this issue in recent years by renting an apartment in a different part of the country. This seems to work well. However, I'm now being pressured to let them stay in my house this summer.

To try to be as fair/neutral as possible: I feel that my privacy is being invaded, and that I have to hide personal possessions. I don't share a lot of myself with my parents, but this potential visit makes me feel that I will be forced to do so. I can either try to suggest alternatives, or refuse. The stress of the visit would be great, as would the stress of trying to avoid such a visit. But I do feel that emotional blackmail is involved here.

As  I see it, my parents think they have a right to stay in my home, just because they are my parents, and this is "the normal thing to do". They are well aware that I don't like them coming to stay, but I may not have explained exactly why, as I don't know how to do so without causing them distress. Part of me thinks that I should let them stay, and just 'be nice'. Part of me really resents being forced into this situation.

I don't know to what extent the parent in question has BPD. They have said that they have suffered from depression in the past, without giving details. I feel that I was emotionally blackmailed as a teenager, but maybe this is something all teenagers feel? It sounds quite melodramatic to say...

So, any helpful advice would be gratefully recieved! 

[Panda39]

Hi WendyWong,

Welcome to the site 

I hear the dilemma between what you want to do and what you think you should do out of a sense of obligation. 

Whenever there is pressure there is usually FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

In my opinion you say "no".  It will be uncomfortable but is it really any more uncomfortable than having them in your home for a week?

I would just say no I'm not comfortable having anyone stay in my home.  You don't have to say why..."no" is a complete sentence.  They push back (if someone has BPD they likely will) just repeat no I'm not comfortable with anyone staying in my home, they push again...I've told you no, please plan on making other arrangements.

This maybe hard to do, it maybe uncomfortable, but setting a boundary and enforcing it isn't always easy.

That would be my direct approach.  Others might have some other suggestions.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Person2]

Hi WendyWong,

Welcome! I just wanted to say, as the child of a uBPD mother, I’m the same as you regarding not wanting my mother to stay at my house. I’ve been in my current home for more than 20 years, and I’ve only had her to my house 2 times (years ago).

Luckily for me, she's in denial or by bringing it up, she’d have to recognize that something’s off. However, if she did request to stay at my house, I would say no. She lives in a different state, and when I’ve made my bi-yearly visits, I always stay at a hotel.

I feel that what Panda39 says in her post is excellent advice.

Part of me thinks that I should let them stay, and just 'be nice'.

I’ve tried doing the “just be nice” in various situations with her for years, and in my experience, this never works. For me, my true feelings end up sabotaging whenever I try that. What has been your experience when you’ve chosen that path?

I hope that the information on this site, and those of us here, will offer you the support you need to do what’s in your best interest. You are entitled to your feelings about this. I totally relate to how uncomfortable it is to have those feelings.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi WendyWong,

You've already gotten great advice on this.

I'd only add to trust your feelings.  You say pretty clearly you don't want to have them in your home, so don't.

As an adult, I was in a similar situation with my uBPD mother, and was guilted into having her stay in our house.  It was just horrible.  Every second my wife was out of the room or out of the house, it was non-stop derision and manipulation.  Just thinking about it now is brutal.

So, you can do what you wish.  I suggest you have your eyes wide open about how terrible it might be if you let them stay.

Take care.

[pursuingJoy]

Hi WendyWong!  Many of us here share this boundary, which is reasonable. Whether the parent in question has BPD or not, it really is ok to say no.

A great thing about this site is that what we learn applies to other relationships! Thinking about this from a parent's perspective, last week my 19 year old said no to me and set a small boundary. I felt a little sad, but instead of demanding an explanation or insisting that her boundary was silly or wrong, I simply respected her. My emotions are mine to deal with.

I hope you feel our support.