Brother With PD. Could It Be BPD?

[TelHill]

Most symptoms of BPD are verbal- screaming, lying to manipulate, saying mean things in fits of anger, etc., to control others, is very dramatic when attention is diverted from her. My dBPDm acts in this manner.

My golden child older brother is passive aggressive-he promises to do important things and never does them on purpose. He promised to do handyman work at my parents. He makes excuses to not do it or destroys a household item on purpose. He never screams or rages.

He’s not friendly & a little self-important.  He’s aloof. He has said cruel things to me and then denies he says them when I wish to discuss it. It’s almost more difficult to be around him than dBPD mom. I know she’ll scream at me and tell me what’s on her mind.

 I know my brother tells lies about me behind my back to our dysfunctional relatives. . Does this sound like bpd as a man might have it. Traditionally women are diagnosed with BPD and men NPD. NPD doesn’t quite fit him though.

[TelHill]

I should add that my niece is getting married. It’s causing a lot of pressure on me whether to participate or not.

She is the one who was arrested for public drunkenness, assaulting an officer and not showing up for her hearing for this crime. She’s pregnant. I am on LC with my parents. I’m already getting blamed for things I didn’t do when I contact them. I am practicing the tips and tools as usual.. That doesn’t mean there’s not pain involved in wanting to participate and then being treated like the scapegoat again. Thanks for reading.

[zachira]

I am glad you are posting though sorry for the circumstances that bring you to describe more of the pain and sorrow that come from having disordered family members. I really don't know if your brother has BPD, though he certainly has some disturbing problems.
"That doesn’t mean there’s not pain involved in wanting to participate and then being treated like the scapegoat again."
I think this statement sums up what we face when dealing with our family members with BPD and other disorders when they make us the scapegoats and blame us for their unhappiness. Over time, it seems you have become less reactive and better able to respond to how your family members treat you. I believe your will continue to get better at differentiating your feelings from your family members and sorting out your feelings from theirs.
Would it help to make a chart of your feelings versus those of your family members and post it here? You might have categories like: This is how my brother/sister/mom feels. This is how I feel. This is how I am feeling even though it is not my feeling to own and I need to work on this.

[TelHill]

Thanks for responding, zachira. I think I’m just going to let things wash over and not take it to heart.  I’ll lay low at the wedding. That should be it for a big family get together besides my parents funerals in the near future,

It’s unfortunate that my FOO have mental health issues which cause them to use and abuse each other.  If it wasn’t my spouse’s death and cloudy thinking due to grief over that, I would never have volunteered to be my parents helper during their subsequent major illnesses.  

My dBPDm is on the far end of the spectrum.  I noticed from the beginning of my memory (Age 3) that she had behavioral problems.  She enjoyed ridiculing me, hit me, spit on me, told me to go eff myself, etc., in my preschool years. There’s a lot I’ve left out because it may be triggering for others.

[TelHill]

It’s after midnight here in California. I forgot to say, am LC (caregiving where I can) with my parents with no expectation of an inheritance. Am LC with my brother during this wedding/baby hoopla. After that NC. Am fed up with his greedy, manipulative behavior.  It’s tough love. He is welcome back into my life at anytime. He has to act with integrity, reciprocity & honesty for that to happen.

[Methuen]

Oh Telhill, I am sorry for all this angst which is ongoing for you. I am wondering if you have any family (extended) amongst that clan that are supportive to you, or are they all either disordered themselves  or hoodwinked by your mom?
  I am alone as I am an only with no extended family on my moms side for 1000 miles.  Its a lonely place to be.  
  I dont know if your brother is bpd; could be right? He is something which is not helpful. 
  I feel for you regarding your decision to avoid the wedding.  It sounds like you would be the scapegoat lamb amongst the wolves, especially if you have no ally or healthy typical family to sit with and spend time with at the wedding.  It sounds like you are working through what you must do to manage your own wellness, but of course that is a constant reminder of every bit of painful history.

[Panda39]

Are you going to the wedding because you want to?  Are you going out of a sense of obligation?

Panda39

[Methuen]

After reading Panda's post, I re-read yours and just saw this:

I’ll lay low at the wedding.

Somehow misread the first time and missed that line.  I get it though.  I also get Panda's subsequent question.  "Laying low" could challenge you to use every tool in your toolbox.  Are you feeling well enough to be up for that?

It makes me think of Harri's line in her thread about "Change":

Being prepared for any consequence also means knowing that we can handle whatever reaction that may happen.

[TelHill]

It would create more angst to not go. I don’t want to go to for many reasons,

This is my only niece. Laying low is ok. That’s the way I act at family affairs to withstand them.  It won’t be a surprise.  

The wedding logistics are disorganized and will probably upset some guests. I would have rescued my brother in the past, but won’t this time. Let him deal with the embarrassment. It may help him grow up.

[TelHill]

I am very tired today! I meant I will go to the wedding. It will cause a dBPDm meltdown if I don’t. I always act disinterested and distant at family functions. So does mom.  She is a witch and waif- never a showboat. Our behavior won’t be a surprise.

My brother is helping to plan the wedding. The logistics are disorganized. I have the ability and knowledge to smooth it over so some relatives don’t become upset. I will do nothing to fix the logistics. Will let my brother take the heat.  Again, sorry for the jumbled prior message.

[Methuen]

All good Telhill.  Your post was clear. 

I can understand you choosing to attend the wedding.  Maybe it's the lesser of the evils to attend?  Hence, lying low?

My brother is helping to plan the wedding. The logistics are disorganized. I have the ability and knowledge to smooth it over so some relatives don’t become upset. I will do nothing to fix the logistics. Will let my brother take the heat.

Absolutely!  I'm reading between the lines and assuming that the niece getting married is your brother's daughter? Therefore it's his wedding to plan - not yours - she's not your daughter.  Go as the guest if you decide that is best, and leave the reception when you need to, right?  Can you take a friend along with you?  That could make it so much more bearable...
 

[TelHill]

Yes. It’s his daughter.  It’s all in my first post of this thread.

Yes, definitely will not do my brother’s heavy lifting. Am hoping this wedding will be one of the few times I will ever see him again.

[zachira]

I hear you when you say you hope this wedding will be one of the few times you will see your brother again. It is understandable you want to be there when your niece gets married. I hope there are some people you can sit with whom you truly enjoy and they appreciate you.

[TelHill]

Thanks, zachira. I may meet some new people at the wedding to chat with.  I will try to look at the bright side of this.

I didn’t say this wedding is taking place in the city where I live.  No other family member lives here. My brother is using me to be chauffeur, pay for the parking for my car ($100 per car - the going rate in this neighborhood), walking guide (my elderly dBPDmom falls down on hills - the wedding venue has some of the steepest hills in town), and babysitter for my parents.  

I spoke up for myself saying he should accommodate his parents’  disabilities - pay for parking or pay for a hotel room. Silence from him. He does this so I start a fight and become the bad guy.  I simply said ok and stopped speaking.  I decided on LC until the wedding & NC after it.

I feel like the use & toss sister. Time to move on.

Thanks for reading. I hope this makes sense.

[zachira]

It makes perfect sense when dealing with a brother who likely has BPD, that nearly any feedback you give him will upset him no matter how well intended and tactfully done. It is just the nature of dealing with people with BPD, particularly close family members, in my experience. What you are saying does make sense. There comes a point where there is little reward in the contact and going NC after the wedding would still allow you to go LC if another family event presents itself that you would like to attend. That sounds like a good plan to try to meet and chat with some of the other wedding guests.

[madeline7]

I read the reply that said it was the lesser of the 2 evils and that resonated with me, and likely with many of us on this site. So often I feel it is a no win situation, the lesser of the 2 evils. Always a struggle. But with the tools we have, including laying low, we get to choose for ourselves what is best for us, and not always care-taking others.

[TelHill]

Yes, there’s more trouble and a little less trouble! I found a few blogs of people who suffer from BPD say they act passive aggressively rather than raging out loud.

I am a 10 minute walk away from the wedding venue. I’ll walk over there in the next few days. There’s a public meditation tool (walking labryrinth) nearby which I plan to use.  It’s been so helpful in the past. I encourage anyone with one nearby to walk it.

First google result I found on it:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/labyrinth-walking-meditation

[TelHill]

I forgot about this technique, but have used it successfully in the past at family shindigs - gray rocking.  I am a chatty and friendly person at parties. Am introverted but like polite small talk.  My happy demeanor gives my passive-aggressive  and money-loving brother & cousins an in to pump me for personal info. They want a battle returned at their crazy questions. No.  

They are angry that I scored the touchdowns in life.  It doesn’t seem fair to them since I’m a woman and younger than them.

I have to practice not smiling & be the most boring person at the venue. Yawn! The wedding is in a few weeks. Will let you know how the gray rock technique went.

Gray rock explained:

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/6158/gray-rock-method-dealing-narcissist/