Is this BPD or something else?

[UBPDHelp]

I have been posting my saga for a while and am fairly confident that my H is uBPD, but his focus seems somehow different so wondering if it’s something else too.

He is hyper focused on my past. We’ve been together for 25 years so my past is a long time ago, and not all that interesting. 

But, whenever he is stressed or mad, he demands I answer disgusting questions (that have been asked dozens of times) or will just go off on how disgusting I am.  I would be embarrassed to even say most of what he says. And most is not true and is some kind of delusional compilation of his experience, movies, friends. He sprinkles one nugget of truth and then a bunch of nonsense. I suspect now this is how he got me to engage by correcting the misinformation.  Mistake.

Do BPDs focus on your past?  Or is that just where he got a reaction, so that’s his go to?  Is this something else?

Thanks!

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[Ozzie101]

I don't know exactly, but I know my uBPDh tends to focus on certain things. Either things that happened in the past or relationships I have. Often (and he has admitted this in a baseline time), it's things that he knows will get a reaction. In my case, it's attacking my family. He's deliberately trying to trigger me. Of course, now that I know that, it's harder for him to accomplish his goal.

In my experience, though, it can be a BPD trait to focus in and obsess/ruminate on one thing. My H will do amazing feats of mental and logical gymnastics to bring completely unrelated things into discussions. For instance, family. He'll manage to somehow relate something going on to my family and my relationship with them even when there's no rational or reasonable connection at all.

And, like yours, my H tends to obsess about the past. He's told me as much. Certain events when he was wronged (or felt wronged) will come into his head and he can't stop thinking about them. Just plays them on an endless loop. Problem is, often his interpretation of events isn't exactly accurate.

Someone with more knowledge and experience can probably pitch in here and say if I'm wrong!

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Ozzie,

My H can also relate everything to my past.  I forgot to buy mustard, it’s because I was thinking about my past so let’s talk about it.  I mean literally anything.

I am not engaging anymore on any of it.  He can try to bait me, but I simply will NOT discuss anymore.  He can create imaginary events, but I won’t try to correct. Just not discussing.  

The thing is, he is almost purely driven by sex these days. It’s some kind of release, but how am I supposed to be into after the vile attacks?  Then he’s mad, but really?

He’s threatening a big event right now because I told him I’m not going to discuss his latest assault on me.

File divorce? Quit his job? Have an affair?  Idk, and I don’t much care. About to get off this ride.

[Ozzie101]

Has he made vague "big event" threats like this before?

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Ollie,

Yes, he has, but I always chalked it up to his temper/heat of the moment. I’m not stupid, I knew there was some truth behind it. And it wasn’t all the time. Here or there divorce, quitting his job.  He’s told me that I “cheated” on him b/c I slept with my old bf (before I even knew H) so he owes me. He’s also like his first gf is the love of his life and I’m pretty sure he thinks they would get back together if he wanted. Delusional, I believe.

But this feels different. He’s cycling through so quickly, I can’t keep up. 

Any thoughts on significance of doing it before or not and things to look for that are different?

I am just going about my day. He left, he came home, I went out, came home, he left again. I told him I was going to get groceries. He tells me nothing. I announced time to eat, we ate, he didn’t.

His choice.   

I am mentally trying to prepare myself for the big event, but I suspect I will crumble. Not so much because of it, but more that someone I love(d) and is supposed to love me would put me through this. This is NOT anything close to love. It is a lie.

[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry, UBPDHelp. I know this is hard. My H has made threats before like that: divorce, quitting his job. But only when he's really upset and dysregulating. When he's calm and at baseline, he'll say he didn't mean it and would never do it. Honestly, I don't think he would. There's too much "small child having a tantrum" in his threats for me to believe him. I just try to stay calm and not let it trigger me.

Going on about your normal life is probably the best thing you can do. Though I know it's stressful not knowing if/when the other shoe will drop. You know your H. I don't. Do your situation may be different.

Has there been anything lately that might have triggered him or may be causing extra stress?

Personally, what helps me deal with this kind of stress is planning. If this happened, what would I do? Having tentative plans in place does wonders for my peace of mind and my confidence.

[UBPDHelp]

Yes, I have been doing the same. Trying to find a stable job and get my bills in order so I can get some place to live with my kids. I can’t afford our house so that is a bit stressful knowing upheaval would be big.

He is under stress because for various reasons is planning a career change at the end of the year. He threatens to just walk out.

I feel bad for his circumstance, but I have tried to help, spoken to him, asked what I can do to help with the change and he just gets mad. Like I can’t keep getting raged at because he is stressed.

And, he’s demanding I answer some questions about my old bf, demands by a certain (which passed) and now the looming unknown.

I should test to see if he’s at baseline, but fear that I’ll unleash the fury and start all over. I’m really at the point that I won’t discuss and won’t listen to this anymore. This is not flippant or taken lightly. I have discussed and listens and he just blows it bigger and bigger. For 25 years. I’m done discussing.

Focus on now.  You’re family and all the blessings and stop crazily living in the past.

Sorry for my own rant. Just frustrated and tired.

But, just so you know, I am also enjoying the me time AND do feel better putting plans in place. Thank you for your support. It means a whole lot!

[Caticorn]

My H can also relate everything to my past.  I forgot to buy mustard, it’s because I was thinking about my past so let’s talk about it.  I mean literally anything.

I am not engaging anymore on any of it.  He can try to bait me, but I simply will NOT discuss anymore.  He can create imaginary events, but I won’t try to correct. Just not discussing.  

The thing is, he is almost purely driven by sex these days. It’s some kind of release, but how am I supposed to be into after the vile attacks?  Then he’s mad, but really?

Hi UBPDHelp,

I can't offer much advice because I'm in the same situation as you (as you observed in response to my post).  I learned the hard way that when it comes to the past, being more open only gives him more ammunition for his obsessive thoughts and next abusive attack. My dBPDh throws jabs my way about my ex that I slept with a few months before H and I met, and when I correct what's wrong with his version of events, he then uses the new info against me.  Example: He presumed that the "act" occurred at my house at the time, so he said it grossed him out that I slept with this guy in the same bed as I slept with him at the beginning of our relationship. I corrected him that it didn't happen at my house, but his house instead (hoping this would relieve his issue with it occurring in the same bed). Then he said it was disgusting of me to drive over to someone's house when they "booty called" for sex. I corrected him and said it was a date and we went to dinner first. Now if I won't have sex with him, he says something like, "I just need to take you to dinner first, right?"  When I tell him that I don't feel comfortable having sex with him because of how he's treating me, he says "you had no issue having sex with someone who you had no emotional ties to at the time, so why would it be a problem for you to have sex with me when I'm upset?"  It's kind of a "catch 22."  If I have sex with him when he's treating me badly, he thinks I'm a slut for not valuing myself more.  If I don't, then he rages at me because emotional status "didn't stop me before" so why should it now.

My H has the same issue with sex. He seems to be obsessed with it when it comes to me. Who I've had it with before, whether or not I'm having it with someone else now, whether or not I'm enjoying it with him. And it's the most effective way to get him out of dysregulation (or keep him from becoming dysregulated). Maybe it's a self esteem issue in the area of sex?

You're not alone! 

Caticorn