My spouse was diagnosed with BPD last year

[Ijzerenaap]

Hello all,

I've come across this forum by reading the book walking on eggshells. I signed up to this forum to get a better understanding of BPD and read other people's experiences and advise which could help manage the sometimes turbulent moments within the relationship.
Especially regarding manipulation within arguments. It makes you feel like you need to have your guard up all the time.

We're both working hard to make it work by therapy and trying to not take everything personal and see it as part of the BPD. for now it's pretty quiet so thats a good thing.

I've been with my wife for about 8 years and we have a kid together. Since the diagnosis a couple of puzzle pieces have come together in regards to things that happened in the past. The emotional roller-coasters and manipulative moments.

It's great that there is a place on the internet like this.

Kind regards.

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[bigbear007]

As someone with BPD myself regarding the manipulation during arguments I think you need to be specific and have set boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is something that by just going along with even if you don't agree isn't going to cause any long term problems whilst the pair of you are in therapy.

What I mean by this is minor disagreements or times where you feel she isn't being fair but it is regarding something rather trivial, for the time being it may be better to just go along with it and agree. People with BPD can split or have a rapid shift in emotions - often subconsciously by very small things. Think of it like a 5 year old who wants something and when they don't get their own way they throw a tantrum and get very worked up. 

So that is where the boundaries need to come into place, if it is something serious or something fundamental to your relationship perhaps make note of it and bring it up in therapy where you have a neutral environment with another person to try and address the issue.

Depending on the mood of the BPD person we can be very irrational and not even understand things unless they are literally spelled out. It is frustrating for both people in the relationship and I can't even count the number of arguments I have had with ex partners, my ex wife and current wife where an hour later or a day later I feel almost stupid that I didn't understand their point of view at the time. The emotions during the moment can make it almost impossible to understand so bear this in mind when you are trying to be rational, for the other person in that moment, it may not be possible.

[Ijzerenaap]

Thanks for the reply and advise. I try to take the trivial things not to personal and we also have a specific moment in the week where we both come in neutral and talk about our annoyances from the days before. This so we try to not build up to much tension. My wife is currently a lot better in this due to her years of therapy she already had. I'm noticing that i still have a lot of lets say fear of conflict and unintentionally hurting her feelings because she sometimes without her being able to do anything about it associates the things i say with her traumatic upbringing. Because of certain triggers. But we're still in a learning process.

I'm currently working on setting my boundaries in general to other people as well not only my partner because that's an issue i ran into more than once in the past. So the making notes is a much appreciated advise. And should be helpful in parking the issue for the moment and coming back to it in a later moment when things cooled down. Thanks again!