At a loss, trying to help a child who really doesn’t care anymore.

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I’m new here. This is my first post. My daughter began her agonizing struggle at 13 after my Mom’s death. She has been to a couple of short stint adolescent treatment centres was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and two anxiety disorders. We have been through hell with her. We have tried counseling for years (has not helped), psychologist only a couple times, family counseling, I go to counseling and do support group. She has only gotten worse over time. A couple years ago she has  a job. It was great she had money seemed to have a bit of happiness in between stunts of being in bed. Unfortunately she quit that job. She has gone through the gamut  of self destructive behaviours. She  cut to the point of huge keloid scars, about 3 years ago, they hVe healed but recently she started on the other arm, did a lot of acid at one time, was caught shoplifting,  had a boyfriend at one time so was openly sexually active at 15. Things we have accepted and allowed to go on in our home are things we would have never imagined. This all because we are desperate to keep her alive. She talks about suicide daily. Has been on suicide watch twice in hospital.
She has barely gone to school the last 3 years. She is now coping through marijuana and since the diagnosis has started face picking. She was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago and has basis been in bed since as it was a real blow for her. She spends most of her time in bed and goes out to see her friends when she can. They are all wounded too and smoke pot. I’m thankful she has a tribe but they are not a healthy bunch. She knows this but is thankful for friends. Anyway she has no motivation to get a job as she says she won’t show up anyway. She says she is going to go on a sugar daddy website to get money for her drugs. At this time she said she is done and tonight when I asked her if I can do anything as I know she’s in a really bad way because she ran out of weed, and she said “let me go.”
Our last trip to ER was devastating. They made her stay in ages in ER area instead of admitting her and just ignored her because I guess they are tired of suicidal kids coming in. Meanwhile my child REALLY IS suicidal. After that she said mom next time I want to kill myself I will just do it because I’m never going to the hospital again. I could go on and on.
She was supposed start DBT with a Counselor last week but missed because she couldn’t get out of bed - this happens with so many appointments. She is rescheduled to try tomorrow said she’s going to go in and tell the lady she doesn’t want to get better.
We have tried so hard for so long and now we finally have a diagnosis to maybe get the proper therapy to actually give her some relief but she is done and I don’t blame her. I’m exhausted myself and don’t know how to “validate”  her or what to say it not to say when she talks like this about just finally being done and wanting to die.
Sorry to go on and on I could write a book.
Has anyone experienced trying to help a child who really doesn’t care anymore?

[Louski]

I’m new here. This is my first post. My daughter began her agonizing struggle at 13 after my Mom’s death. She has been to a couple of short stint adolescent treatment centres was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and two anxiety disorders. We have been through hell with her. We have tried counseling for years (has not helped), psychologist only a couple times, family counseling, I go to counseling and do support group. She has only gotten worse over time. A couple years ago she has  a job. It was great she had money seemed to have a bit of happiness in between stunts of being in bed. Unfortunately she quit that job. She has gone through the gamut  of self destructive behaviours. She  cut to the point of huge keloid scars, about 3 years ago, they hVe healed but recently she started on the other arm, did a lot of acid at one time, was caught shoplifting,  had a boyfriend at one time so was openly sexually active at 15. Things we have accepted and allowed to go on in our home are things we would have never imagined. This all because we are desperate to keep her alive. She talks about suicide daily. Has been on suicide watch twice in hospital.
She has barely gone to school the last 3 years. She is now coping through marijuana and since the diagnosis has started face picking. She was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago and has basis been in bed since as it was a real blow for her. She spends most of her time in bed and goes out to see her friends when she can. They are all wounded too and smoke pot. I’m thankful she has a tribe but they are not a healthy bunch. She knows this but is thankful for friends. Anyway she has no motivation to get a job as she says she won’t show up anyway. She says she is going to go on a sugar daddy website to get money for her drugs. At this time she said she is done and tonight when I asked her if I can do anything as I know she’s in a really bad way because she ran out of weed, and she said “let me go.”
Our last trip to ER was devastating. They made her stay in ages in ER area instead of admitting her and just ignored her because I guess they are tired of suicidal kids coming in. Meanwhile my child REALLY IS suicidal. After that she said mom next time I want to kill myself I will just do it because I’m never going to the hospital again. I could go on and on.
She was supposed start DBT with a Counselor last week but missed because she couldn’t get out of bed - this happens with so many appointments. She is rescheduled to try tomorrow said she’s going to go in and tell the lady she doesn’t want to get better.
We have tried so hard for so long and now we finally have a diagnosis to maybe get the proper therapy to actually give her some relief but she is done and I don’t blame her. I’m exhausted myself and don’t know how to “validate”  her or what to say it not to say when she talks like this about just finally being done and wanting to die.
Sorry to go on and on I could write a book.
Has anyone experienced trying to help a child who really doesn’t care anymore?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[smallbirds]

A lot of what you posted really resonates with me--especially this: Things we have accepted and allowed to go on in our home are things we would have never imagined. This all because we are desperate to keep her alive.

It's great that you got a diagnosis, even if it was devastating to her. Is she on any meds? Although we were against it at first, anti-anxiety meds (like klonpin) have been really helpful in getting our daughter to be willing to go to therapy.

We dragged our daughter, literally kicking and screaming to a few therapy appointments--it was awful. She gradually became more willing, and is now in a comprehensive DBT program. Things are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but we are in a way better position than I thought we would be a year ago.

[Louski]

Thanks for your reply! I’m so glad I found this forum. It is comforting to know we are not alone.
Yes she takes Escitalopram and Abilify.
She is scheduled for a session today so I hope she likes the therapist and will go back.
I’m glad to hear your daughter is going to DBT. From all I’ve read it is a lifeline.
Hugs 

[DoneMom]

Louski,

I hear you...I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. The pain and exhaustion you’re experiencing is a lot to deal with. 

I too have a daughter that sounds very much like your own (the drug use, days in bed/no motivation, cutting, suicidal & sugar babying, etc).

I’m glad you found this forum.  It’s a good place to learn and you’ll find an empathetic caring bunch of people who understand the unique problems you face as the parent of a BPD child.

My heart goes out to you.

[Louski]

DoneMom,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry you’ve been through similar struggles and especially sorry for our girls.
This is an awful illness although I remain hopeful because I’ll never stop trying.
I’m so thankful I found this forum. I have been isolating for years and when I do talk to friends or family I only share so much because they just can’t understand and I have to save myself from the judgement.
I’m really excited to have an outlet where I don’t have to feel my family and my daughter are being judged when really we are only trying to survive the best way we can with the hand we’ve been dealt.