how to best support my nephew, living with a mother with BPD

[bocaboi]

Hello all,

My sister has BPD and it came to a head this summer when she ran from home with my nephew, flew across the country to me (without her husband knowing), had self-inflicted bruises and was going to file a restraining order on her husband. I talked her out of that and another mutual friend helped her husband get his things in order. He had never had his own cell phone or email account that he could access without her. He had been sleeping with all his important documents on him as she has a tendency to destroy his documents, cards, and clothes. He was ready to leave the marriage and we were helping him get support.

While our friend was helping my brother-in-law, I was helping my sister and shared resources with BPD with her (and she subsequently got diagnosed and is currently in therapy). Her husband had asked me to keep my nephew for a week while they worked out separation and a custody agreement. That, however, did not happen. She and her husband did not split; however, he is living overseas and she is at home with my nephew. They see each other periodically.

My sister was physically, emotionally and financially abusive with her first husband and is with her current husband as well. With her current husband it's worse though and has gotten progressively worse over the years. When I finally set some boundaries with her last year, she got very upset with me and subsequently blocked me from having contact with my nephew (I knew that was a possibility). I finally was able to talk with my nephew last week (since he was away from both of his parents with other family), and he shared with me that he almost called the cops on his mom when she was beating on his dad, that he doesn't think the therapy is helping, and that "it's worse when no one else is around" I asked him if he is scared of her, and he said "not usually" He told me a couple times he does not want to live with her and he wants to be with his father. He asked me if I could help him "come up with a strategy for dealing with my mom."  My nephew is 12 years old and in sixth grade.  He told me "My mom says mean things about you behind your back" and he knows his mom blocked me from his phone. I don't talk bad about his mom with him, and just let him know that I know how he feels, how difficult it is b/c I also grew up with her, and that we should let words that don't feel right to us flow right over us like clouds. I assured him that he and I have an independent relationship, and that we get to define what that is. A couple times he told me "I'm so glad I can talk to you"

I talked with my dad (his grandpa) and we agreed he really needs to talk to a counselor at school, and we both suggested this to him. Unfortunately we are both very far away living overseas and can't be there to help him do this. We do have other family near him who can be support though. I guess I'm just looking for ideas from you all on how best I can support my nephew from afar. I do go back to visit and will be trying to get one-on-one time with him this summer.  His dad is not going to be leaving the marriage, and I don't think my sister will truly get help until that happens.

[GaGrl]

I was going to suggest a school counselor, then I got to your last paragraph. This definitely is a way for your nephew to get support without pushing for therapy with your sister or BIL.

[Methuen]

I talked with my dad (his grandpa) and we agreed he really needs to talk to a counselor at school, and we both suggested this to him.

Just a cautionary tale:  do a little background work before assuming this is the best source of support for your nephew.  In my experience, elementary school counsellors are qualified bona fide counsellors and really great people, but they have a case load that can be insane, and while they do the best they can, case loads in the hundreds of students serving multiple schools is hard to do well.  I could share horror stories about case loads.  Once the students get to the secondary school level, it gets worse.  In my experience as a high school teacher, I only worked in one school in my career where there was a qualified counsellor with a master's degree.  Every other school I worked in my entire career had a classroom teacher who moved into the position of "counsellor".  No formal Masters of counselling credential.  The last school I was in was the worst.  The "counsellors" didn't do actual counselling for emotional and mental health types of issues at all.  Those were farmed out to the community (which incidentally had a short waiting list even for the highest priority who were at risk of suicide).  Their "counselling" was strictly academic and career counselling.  I advocated for mental health support services for students my entire career.  It always fell on deaf ears due to budgetary constraints and a lack of funding.  Well maybe the ears weren't deaf, but the nodding heads never translated into any action over 30 years.  Every geographic region probably has their own standards and requirements for credentials, and even in my jurisdiction where this kind of support is weak, qualified counsellors were required at the elementary level (so in grade 6 he's probably going to get quality support), but case load was still a problem.  Food for thought.  Sorry to bring it up, but not everyone may be aware of all the issues in a school system.  Maybe where your nephew is, it's fantastic and first class, but maybe it's also worth checking out.  I would recommend meeting the counsellor in person (or having someone else do it), and asking some hard questions, setting up a schedule, etc. and getting a good feeling about that counsellor.  After retiring from teaching, I worked in a women's shelter for a year.  In addition to having a clinical counsellor on staff, they also had a "children's counsellor" who did "community outreach".  She was specialized in working with kids who had witnessed domestic abuse, and she saw both kids staying in the shelter, as well as kids from the community.  So there may be other options for your nephew if the school option doesn't work out.