Hello
I think if I'm writing here then rock bottom is definitely reached. I'm sure you guys heard the story million times so I will try to be as compact as possible.
First of all I don't have a hero complex, I don't want to save anyone I'm more go against the world type of a guy but not breaking the rules too much and I genuinely try not to hurt people unless absolutely necessary although I like to have my way most of the time.
I'm 33 now, my life was filled with different kinds of relationships and other experiences to the point that I've been saying to myself nothing in this world will surprise me anymore, 3 years ago I was proven wrong about my assumptions. My friend hooked me up with the girl in different country, we started texting for about a month and already started the relationship by texting even without seeing each other, it was weird for me but I liked this childish game. One day I said f@@k it let's have an adventure I quit my job and went to meet her. We spent amazing two weeks together. She was absolutely gorgeous, childish and emotional, much younger than me.
As I was made into a big bad wolf by my life experiences, and also very smart, she quickly understood that her easy manipulation tactics will not work on me, and the only way to get my attention is to submit. Love bombing was hard and intense, nothing any other women has done before, and I had experience with bdp girls before. This little gorgeous quiet bpd waif completely went deep inside of me( I think because under the disorder mask our characters really clicked and that the saddest part). At the start I thought I will just have good time and then comeback to my life, but when I was back to my country I missed her greatly. I understood all of the risks and I was sure this woman will flip my life upside down but anyway I asked her to come over and start new life with me, she moved in after one month, found job, supported me with rent money, housework and etc she was great, but mostly because I would win at her every attempt to emotional manipulation and she would submit and play the good girl ( if any of you are wondering no I don't have ASPD).
Time went on I got really busy and nervous with some projects and also got tired of her frequent attempts to reverse the power balance. Without realising I started to lose, showing my angry emotions at her provocations. This gave her enough reason to devalue especially at that time when she met new target at work who was very sweet to her. After 1 year of us living together she declared that she doesn't love me anymore, was sarcastic, hateful, and left with a smile on her face while I was really sad and was making attempts to put some sense into her head. I thought I will manage but after two weeks of being alone something hit me so hard that I was not able to not think of her or focus on anything else. I went into her work and got her back the same moment, I still had power left in me to know how to get my way. Although she agreed to be together again she said she will definitely not move back in with me. I knew this recycle was temporary because her new target was probably not fully available. A month later we broke up again, I found another better career opportunity in different town and moved there.
We didn't talked for 2 months, I made every single attempt to bring my life back on track, new job, sports, dating, other activities. But I just could not forget her. One day I've sent her a message and we started to talk again, she agreed to come and visit. We had sex the same day and were yet again back together. She would come to visit every other week, we would spend great time together and actually this type of relationship worked better for me as I've got to focus on my life but still have a benefit of her company every now and then. The power balance was yet again reversed back into my favour and I was good at acting that I don't need her so much and my life is going great and she would chase and submit.
After 3 months of this I screwed up again. Had a very bad day and that was exactly the day she came to visit, I snapped at her attempts for manipulation again and told her to leave forever. Which she did, and guess what, yes again I tried every single advice in the book to get my life back on track and here I am texting her again after one month. Took a bit of work and chasing from my side this time plus a lot of confidence and small wins over her games and after about a week of effort she was back again. The next three months were the most stable we ever had, probably because I was preparing for sports competition and asked her to support me and be a good girl as much as she can, we also had some vacations booked and paid for the future. Everything went really well until just a week before our vacation during her visit she tried every single trick to try to make me to snap saying things that would really hurt me, I didn't snap, instead calmly told her that I want to relax and she is preventing this therefore she must go and we will discuss things later. Not being able to get an angry reaction from me that she was used to made her really pissed off her usual plan of make him angry, guilt trip, make him chase while you have green light to do anything seemed not to work this time. We didn't communicate after this until the day vacation flight was due where we just met in the airport without any communication at the gate and didn't talked to each other. When we arrived she went to stay with her friends (she had them at our vac. destination) and I went to hotel. 3 days later I called her and we met for a coffee and once again were back together on my initiative.
When we came back both of us had some days off work still so we went to my place. And that's when the latest break up happened, she started her stuff again, I went mental, told her to f@@k off. She left and I was so angry with myself that every time I'm bringing her back, I told myself thats it no more. I've blocked her everywhere. But once again didn't manage, after couple weeks I unblocked her and send few messaged only to realise she is NC with me. Called her many times and she finally picked up what followed was a wrath like never before she would devalue me into complete worthless zero, any attempt to call her would be met with shouting followed by 100 text messages about how
PLEASE READ and wrong I am. I was still sure I can manage to bring her back so I would give it couple days and then try again with same result, this went on for about a month until she finally blocked me everywhere to cut me off.
During this 2 years she tried therapy on my request many times without success. I think it is hard for her to stay there as she is a quiet type and she has far more less issues regulating her emotions in the outside world when relationship is not involved, therefore she would blame me for making her emotionally unstable in the relationship.
I love her, many would say no you are codependant, or you love her because the way she makes you feel about yourself. No it is not that, like I said before I had experience with BPD women before and walking away from relationship when things were going south was never an issue for me. But with this girl, I love her personality, yes infatuation is great, sex is great, lack of self sense and that she mirrors me is great, but her real personality that shows up like 5% of the time is absolutely what I was looking for all my life. If she would not have a disorder I would marry her in a heartbeat. It has been 5 weeks now since she blocked me and for the first time in my life I'm in the places I've never been before(even during our previous break ups), I'm crying while breaking down on the floor almost every day, can't focus on anything, time and distractions don't help it just gets worse day after day. I hate the world I hate myself I think about suicide but I know that I will not have the balls to do it and also this will take away any chance of us being together in the future again.
Some points:
It was me initiating all recycles before, I've got a feeling that once she leaves she leaves, she will never chase and never chased any of her exes before after a break up, she would only chase while in the relationship if partner manages to pull the correct strings.
I was her longest relationship, usually it lasted about 1-4 months in her past or 1 day.
She never moved in with somebody before me.
Many sex partners in the past, falls in love easily, can idolise almost anyone. When I saw a picture of one of her exes I was shocked, I was always amazed that such a gorgeous girl fell for me although I do consider myself more or less good looking and successful in life, but when I saw her ex I was like REALLY?
No amounts of attention and trying to make her realise things about her behaviour from my side worked (only temporarily) as well as therapy she would drop out or lie about her symptoms to confuse the therapist and eventually end up in therapy for OCD or anxiety or else.
She never looked to be phased by our break ups before and she definitely is not now.
Is there a chance she will unblock me or hover? She is really gorgeous and she can get male attention at the snap of her fingers. At this point I don't see my life without her, I tried the best I can, but the more I fight it the stronger my pain becomes.
Thank you everyone
