Hi
, first time poster here. Possibly long and almost certainly rambling story ahead.
I've already typed and deleted my beginning several times. It's hard to know where to start. I'm not really talking with my sister right now, which is weird and foreign, although I kind of saw it coming. Over the last few years it has become harder to relate to her, and I've watched while she's pulled back significantly, or even completely cut people out of her life, one person at a time. My turn was inevitable. It's like she is shrinking her world to the point where she'll be able to completely control everyone and everything in it.
This isn't a new pattern; I've seen her abruptly end relationships before or disproportionately react to perceived insults or insensitivity. I've just always been on her "good list" in the past, so it never applied to me. I knew that anyone in her life could potentially commit some sin against her and end up being ousted, but I didn't realise until recently how much I was bending over backwards to avoid accidentally offending her.
Many years ago, accommodating her just seemed like common courtesy: take your shoes off when you go in her house, for example. Over time it's become harder to follow all the rules: don't use these words because they gross her out. Don't serve these foods because the smell gives her a headache. Don't make this type of comment because it sounds like you're making fun of her. Don't talk about these subjects because they trigger bad memories. Don't make sudden movements or loud noises. Don't ask questions about x, y, or z. Be explicit if you want a, b, or c because she doesn't feel comfortable assuming anything about a situation. The list of parameters grew slowly for quite some time, so that I didn't even notice it was happening.
Then about a year ago, the list of parameters exploded. First, she emailed our whole family out of the blue to disclose a number of traumatic childhood memories and request that we only use prescribed language to discuss those events with her. From her perspective, this email was pursuant to an effort to begin healing and moving on from these events. However, the email itself exposed a lot of issues that were even more complex than childhood trauma. For one thing, she stated some very disturbing events quite baldly and with no preamble. I don't want to blame a survivor of trauma for this, but it was actually hypocritical of her to communicate that way when she herself is extremely sensitive to being triggered and would hold any of us accountable if we launched into a discussion of our own past traumas without giving her some warning. In other words, she acted like her trauma was more legitimate than that of several people on the email distribution. What's more, it was clear that at least some of these memories were DEEPLY embellished, if not completely fabricated. I hate saying that because I consider myself a staunch supporter of any trauma survivor, and casting doubt on their allegations is the exact opposite of the spectrum, but some details she alleged are simply not factual; there are things like hospital records to refute them in some cases. So, ok, maybe factual memory is irrelevant to moving on from trauma. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and work from within her reality to heal, rather than quibble about what actually happened.
But, communication soon began to break down. Even the slightest encouragement to try anything other than what she had already decided to do about her trauma journey would be met with an impenetrable defense: "This conversation is re-traumatising me, I can't talk about it anymore." Ok. Nobody wants that. But as, one by one, each family member misstepped and was dismissed from the effort to help her heal, she just ended up isolating herself and then feeling like we abandoned her.
Anyway ever since that email, my sister has been trying to learn to re-assert herself and prioritise her own mental health, even if that means offending someone else. It sounds good on paper, but the reality feels like it's her way or the highway. I tried to let her know that she could always count on me. I have two young toddlers, but when she needed to talk I was always there, sometimes texting quickly back and forth for hours into the night. When she would vent to me about our parents not understanding her perspective, I would heavily edit my responses to show support for her, even though I sometimes thought she judged them too harshly. When she became infuriated with her husband for not understanding or not showing his understanding in the same way, I was sympathetic and reassured her that she deserves to feel understood, despite also feeling like she is borderline abusive to her husband.
Eventually I realised I was doing too much to accommodate/enable her behavior. Things came to a head after my family spent some time at her house a couple weeks ago. She was upset that at one point, I asked my husband for help with my kids instead of asking her, because we were at HER house. And she was upset that my husband and I discussed weekend plans, including our assumptions about what she was doing that weekend, without directly asking her what her plans were. I girded my loins and, for the first time, did not apologize for triggering her/hurting her feelings and instead defended myself. I was gentle, I was flexible, but I was clear: No, I would not promise to ask her for help with my kids when their father was right there. No, I would not promise to explicitly invite her into a conversation that was happening within feet of her.
She was devastated. She spent the night sobbing and mourning our close relationship. (I know, because she told me the next morning.) I tried to patch things up by emphasising that I would try to be sensitive to her feelings, I just couldn't promise 100% compliance, but she said that was the same as saying No altogether. Then I tried to make plans for her to spend time with my family, in a way that would be less likely to trigger her, but she said the only way that could happen is if we meet in a public place. I asked if we could get together just as sisters, and she did accept that invitation.
A couple days later, I noticed that she unshared her Google location with me (sharing locations is a way we've enjoyed being close to one and other, I understand if others find that strange.) She also has withdrawn herself from the forum where I share my family photos, after previously liking/commenting on them several times each day. (She is extremely close with my children or should say, she wants to be. She has been obsessed with them from the time of each pregnancy announcement to the point that we have had to shield the kids from her emotional needs sometimes. She was unable to have the number of children she wanted and still grieves that situation deeply.)
Sigh. Anyway. A few thoughts in closing:
I am legit terrified that she is on this website somewhere and will find this and be furious with me.
I feel like typing all this out, makes her side of things seem very reasonable and maybe I'm in the wrong. I often question myself like this about my interactions with her. But when I review the actual request to not ask my husband for help with my children, I feel on sure footing again.
I don't really know where to take our relationship from here. I don't want to abandon her. She has been clear that she has self-harmed and has intrusive suicidal thoughts. But she has whittled away so much from the "acceptable topics of conversation" and "acceptable ways of behaving" that I have to walk on eggshells. And I'm in a stressful period of my own life, ill-suited to making her emotions my top priority.
I'm very glad I found a place where I can talk about this with people who might understand. By the way, I don't believe my sister has been diagnosed with BPD. My family and I happened to learn about the disorder and it reminded us so powerfully of my sister, it was just undeniable. She is in therapy but I don't know if her therapist sees every side of her.
Thanks for reading, if anyone made it this far.
